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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Aug 4, 2013
 
Dear Amy: Due to a job layoff last year, our 32-year-old daughter has been living with my husband and me. She recently returned to work but receives a low salary and no health insurance.

She has a gluten intolerance, which requires meals without wheat and other additives. She refuses to eat the difficult-to-find and expensive gluten-free meals I purchase, accept any money or use the microwave. The food she purchases is scant.

She appears emaciated but is adamant (without medical advice) that her weight is normal. She became irate when I voiced my concern.

My husband feels that as an adult she can make her own decisions. I believe that she is rebelling against her need to return home at her age. What can we do before she is hospitalized for anorexia?— Terrified Mother

Dear Terrified: Before your daughter is hospitalized for anorexia, you and your husband should do everything possible to secure medical treatment (and mental health counseling) for her. If you can't afford to pay for a checkup, research her options under Medicaid (or other programs for low-income people) and do everything possible to encourage her to take charge of her health.

Eating disorders can be complex and challenging to treat. Do not deny or diminish this issue. If she has an eating disorder, you need to work as a team to either find ways to urge her into treatment, or cope with the sadness and anxiety of watching this depressed adult damage her health.

The National Eating Disorders Association has information and referrals on its website: nationaleatingdisorders .org.

Dear Amy: My fiance's parents and his adult brother like to visit us in "the big city" as often as possible. Their stays generally range from one to three days in length but it is the frequency of the visits that bothers me.

His brother is typically at our house one to two weekends a month. He uses our place as a crash pad after a night of drinking. This bothers me on a lot of different levels. During the day he leaves a trail of messes that I am left to pick up after, including empty beer cans, dirty dishes, etc. After his visits I launder the sheets and towels.

On the opposite weeks, my fiance's parents like to visit — from one to three times a month. They typically stay during the week, which is often disruptive to my heavy work schedule (and life in general) as we have to entertain them in the evenings.

Once again, I am responsible for laundering sheets and towels. I tried to make this the responsibility of my fiance but he is perfectly OK with dirty linens.

I have gently voiced my frustration to him. He says I'm being ridiculous and must accept this if I am going to live with him.

I work long hours, and I don't want to be responsible for hosting guests all the time. This issue is driving a wedge between us. I feel bitter and angry. What can I do or say to limit the number of visits his family makes?— Prisoner in my Own Home

Dear Prisoner: You sound sweet, but this should be a deal-breaker for you. Your fiance is obviously part of a family that does not care about the wants or needs of others. Their behavior is poor — at best — but his reaction to your reasonable concern is appalling.

I question your choice to marry someone who is so inconsiderate. If this is your home (as well as his), then you should have an equal say in who stays there, and how often. If he dismisses you, then you should speak directly with his family members.

At the very least, I suggest you go on strike over cleaning up after them. If the mess gets too frightening, stay elsewhere until your fiance comes up with a workable solution.

Dear Amy: Congratulations on your time off. After 10 years, it was about time. I have to say I really enjoyed your "best of" columns and frequently found myself laughing out loud. There were some real gems in there?— Don

Dear Don: I'm back, I'm rested, and I'm mining for more gems.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Aug 4, 2013
 

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1

1

1- Quit trying to force-feed your daughter into a porker. She's fine. Take a cue and try to lose a little weight yourself.

2- You're a clean-freak. Why do you feel the need to launder the sheets after he spends one night? And if he's visiting so often, I'm assuming he's sleeping in the same bed every time. Same goes for the towels. You feel the need to wash them after one use? Your fiance thinks you're a nutball and that's why he won't help with the laundry. He feels being so OCD about sheets and towels is YOUR cross to bear, and he's correct. Let his brother and parents reuse the same towels.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#3
Aug 4, 2013
 
LW1 "Before your daughter is hospitalized for anorexia, you and your husband should do everything possible to secure medical treatment (and mental health counseling) for her. "

Oh, stop it once and for all. You cannot MAKE another functioning adult seek medical treatment unless this adult has exhibited documented self- and/or other-harming behavior. Period. If your daughter is truly emaciated, I feel for you. It's heart-breaking. But aside from talking to her, trying to be understanding, and encouraging her to get back on her feet financially and move out, there isn't much you can do.

LW2 - Stop being a doormat and tell your fianc้ that your house is not a hotel. Here is what you do:
Step 1: Tell your fiance to tell his family to cut the visits. It's his responsibility. If he refuses or if it does not work, go to Step 2.
Step 2: Tell them yourself. If your telling them does not yield results, go to Step 3.
Step 3: Tell your fiance that it's you or his family frequent visits. Yep, it's an ultimatum and you HAVE to be ready to call your relationship quits. By then, you really have to make a choice: live all your life feeling resentful and angry while you play weekly hostess or move on with your life.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#4
Aug 4, 2013
 

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1 If I was 32, out of work for a year and only able to get a low paid job,living at home and having my mother hover about my meals, I would be testy as well.
Back off.

2. Did this hotel thing just start after you got engaged? Did you move into an apartment with an extra bedroom so the family thinks it is a free hotel so to speak? If this was happening before you moved in together,you have only yourself to blame.

Regardless,this won't end well. Your fiance won't want to be in the middle telling his bro and parents they have to stay elsewhere and you glowering. Cut your losses and split, now.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#5
Aug 4, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
1 If I was 32, out of work for a year and only able to get a low paid job,living at home and having my mother hover about my meals, I would be testy as well.
Back off.
2. Did this hotel thing just start after you got engaged? Did you move into an apartment with an extra bedroom so the family thinks it is a free hotel so to speak? If this was happening before you moved in together,you have only yourself to blame.
Regardless,this won't end well. Your fiance won't want to be in the middle telling his bro and parents they have to stay elsewhere and you glowering. Cut your losses and split, now.
THIS.

LW2 needs to get her own place, move out and call off the wedding. Let him entertain his family and clean up after them or not. The only other alternative is to hire someone to come in and help clean every week.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#6
Aug 4, 2013
 

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2: Church minister this morning spoke of love. Said he loved scaring people (jumping out and shouting boo) but the moment he saw his wife hated it, he stopped.
He said his love of scaring people was superceded by his love for his wife, and he didn't want to do anything intentionally to upset her.

I immediately thought about all the LW we have, and how many are people self-serving instead of loving the other in the way they receive it best.

Since: Feb 10

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#7
Aug 4, 2013
 
L2: Just go. He's already told you he doesn't plan on changing anything at all. Even if you do manage to convince his family members to stop treating your home like a free crash pad, there is no guarantee that he wouldn't open it up to friends. You two do not have compatible visions of what your home life should be, and you are going to be unhappy until you end things with him. Do it now before you bring kids into the mix.
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#8
Aug 4, 2013
 
LW2: Your fiance's constantly visiting family sound like selfish, clueless pigs. And fiance obviously cares about their needs a lot more than about yours. He's not gonna change. Lose him. Now.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Seattle, WA

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#9
Aug 4, 2013
 
1: What PE said.

2: DTMFA

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