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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 14, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My family has been keeping a secret from my grandmother. I have a 17-month-old daughter that she doesn't know exists. I wanted to tell my grandma from the start about her great-granddaughter (her first), but I am afraid to. My family thinks that telling her will cause too much stress on her. No one in the family takes my feelings into consideration.

I think my grandmother should know she's a great-grandma. The problem is, I don't know how to tell her. She's 90 years old. I'm afraid if I say something now, it really might be too stressful for her. Also, I'm afraid that if I reveal this secret, it will start a family feud.

I want a relationship with my grandma like I used to have. I cry every time I talk to her on the phone because I have to lie to her about my day-to-day life and why I can't come to see her. I am really starting to resent my family. Please help.-- SECRET MOMMY IN NEVADA

DEAR SECRET MOMMY: Your grandmother wasn't born yesterday; she's 90. I'm sure that in her decades of living she has seen plenty of life.

While she will probably be shocked that she was kept in the dark this long, I agree she should know the truth. She should also know that you love her, which is why you are telling her the news. She may or may not want to see her great-grandchild, but the choice should be hers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 70s, married for 50 years. I worked outside the home for many years and earned retirement benefits. There have been many ups and downs in my life, for me personally as well as for members of my family. Of course, there have been good times, too. I feel blessed.

All my life I have been the "go-to girl" for my family as a daughter, sister, wife, mother and aunt for help or advice. I love them, but I'm tired. How do I retire my "crown" -- which has been overwhelming at times -- without hurting or alienating anyone?

There seem to be so many problems and only one of me. Many times I have felt stretched too thin, but now my health and energy are no longer what they once were. I'm reasonably healthy, but I'm very tired.

I value my Judeo/Christian belief of "doing unto others." Am I being selfish?-- GO-TO GIRL IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GO-TO GIRL: Your mind and body are trying to tell you something important. I hope you will pay attention before your health suffers because it could if you don't start drawing the line.

There is nothing selfish or wrong about saying: "I love you, but I can't help you. I can't because I'm at a point in my life where I can't handle stress like I used to." And if the person doesn't get it, you should repeat it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend who I have been friends with for years. However, there is one thing I can't stand about her. It's her vulgar language. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth includes the F-word. She's not a soft-spoken individual, so others can hear her. It embarrasses me and makes me not want to be around her in public.

How can I tell her she embarrasses me when she talks that way?-- SOFT-SPOKEN FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Tell her in exactly the way you told me. It is kind, helpful and the truth. And please don't feel bad about doing so because you'll be doing your friend a favor.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jan 14, 2014
1- WHY has this been kept a secret?? Do you plan to hide the baby from her until she dies? The time to tell her was 17 months ago. Tell her now.

2- Feel self important much?

3- "Hey, watch your mouth, there's kids around."

Was that so freaking hard!?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Jan 14, 2014
1 Grandma was 16 once too, so she wont be surprised that you got knocked up. Your family is embarassed, your granny can handle it.

2 Retire your crown?? How about you start by getting off your high horse?

3 Kids learn what they live, teach her how to talk without f*king using g*dam foul language.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#4 Jan 14, 2014
LW1: Tell your grandmother! She will handle this far better than your so-called parents did. I guarantee it! And go visit her now.

LW2: You can be helpful without taking on everyone else's stress.

LW3: This is a habit that is hard to break, but it would be in her best interest to clean up her act. Just tell her kindly.
Blunt Advice

New York, NY

#5 Jan 14, 2014
1. Math time. Granny is 90. How old can mom or dad be? 60 give or take several years? That would make LW 30 give or take. Old enough to have a baby and be a responsible parent and old enough to know granny isn't so frail and decreppid that she will die when she finds out. Another theory......dad is much older than mom and granny is his mom. Which means he was a mommas boy who didn't leave the house until he was old enough to join AARP. That's the only way she could be a teenager that has to hide it.
2. Fake your death so they learn to solve their own problems. Go somewhere nice and relax.
3. My favorite work begins with f and ends in u c k. My favorite word is firetruck what did you think I was gonna say?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Jan 14, 2014
LW1: A child should not be some dark secret that you are embarrassed and ashamed of. Its not healthy for the child or anyone. Tell her.

LW2: What Abby said.

LW3: Tell her its so Gdamn off-putting when she is fing swearing all the fing time.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jan 14, 2014
L1: It's time to start acting like an adult and taking the best interests of your child at heart. Introduce your child to your grandmother. Be the example you need to be and start by being truthful.

L2: I get it. Some people fix others. This LW has been in that mode all her life and everyone is used to it and now she doesn't know how to get out of it. Sometimes no help is the best help you can give. She should take up that mantra.

L3: She can't be all that close if you can't simply tell her you really hate when she talks that way.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Jan 14, 2014
LW1: Again, vital information is left out. WHY don't they want you to tell granny about your baby? I'm guessing s/he is the wrong skin color.

If this is something you know you'll regret, you should tell her.

LW2: You can start being a flake. Agree to help and then forget or show up late or do a crappy job. Then people will stop asking you for help.

Or you could just be honest with them.

LW3: You can tell her of course, but be prepared to lose a friend. It will be difficult for her to stop; it will be easier to stop hanging out with you.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jan 14, 2014
Interesting take by squishy. So if granny's and old school 90 year old racist, what good would come from telling her. Doubt it would suddenly make her change. Keeping her out of the loop might be in lw's best interest
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#10 Jan 14, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Again, vital information is left out. WHY don't they want you to tell granny about your baby? I'm guessing s/he is the wrong skin color.
If this is something you know you'll regret, you should tell her.
I never thought of that! I was thinking that they are very traditional and the child was born out of wedlock. But you could be right about the baby's skin color. Regardless, I think it is ridiculous to treat a 90-year-old woman like she can't handle the information. In 90 years, Grandma has handled plenty. My own grandmother was completely capable of handling anything life threw at her. But I still say, other than being upset that this information was kept from her, she'll handle this just fine.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Jan 14, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I never thought of that! I was thinking that they are very traditional and the child was born out of wedlock. But you could be right about the baby's skin color. Regardless, I think it is ridiculous to treat a 90-year-old woman like she can't handle the information. In 90 years, Grandma has handled plenty. My own grandmother was completely capable of handling anything life threw at her. But I still say, other than being upset that this information was kept from her, she'll handle this just fine.
If I was the mother of that child, I wouldn't be so worried about granny but the baby and setting the tone as being the parent of that child and making decisions in the best interest of the child.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Jan 14, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Interesting take by squishy. So if granny's and old school 90 year old racist, what good would come from telling her. Doubt it would suddenly make her change. Keeping her out of the loop might be in lw's best interest
I can sorta speak from experience here. I'm pretty sure my grandma would NOT have been happy about the color of my husband's skin but I'm also pretty sure that she would have been totally smitten with my first child.

Babies can be magic like that.
Blunt Advice

New York, NY

#13 Jan 14, 2014
Grandma is 90 and the first great grandchild happened 17 months ago. If this was the maternal grandmother than would make mom 55 to 65 and make the lw 25-35. If that were the case lw would say screw you if you are ashamed of my baby being out of wedlock or a different race I will tell grandma whether you like it or not.
So, I am going with a theory that dad is her only surviving child and he is much older than the lws mom. It is the only way the lw could be young enough to have kept this a secret.
And I am willing to bet she may be already know. Wouldn't a family acquaitance spill the beans not knowing she doesn't know? And they are in Nevada. I'm sure she has come across many a show girl who got knocked up.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#14 Jan 14, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
If I was the mother of that child, I wouldn't be so worried about granny but the baby and setting the tone as being the parent of that child and making decisions in the best interest of the child.
If I was the mother of that child, there would be nobody who could talk me out of telling my beloved grandmother about her from the get, regardless of the color of her skin or the circumstances of her birth.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 14, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
If I was the mother of that child, there would be nobody who could talk me out of telling my beloved grandmother about her from the get, regardless of the color of her skin or the circumstances of her birth.
Oh, I'm not thinking you'd (or anyone on here) would keep it from grandma. It was something that stood out to me though more so than worrying about how grandma was going to take it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#16 Jan 14, 2014
This!
Mister Tonka wrote:
Interesting take by squishy. So if granny's and old school 90 year old racist, what good would come from telling her. Doubt it would suddenly make her change. Keeping her out of the loop might be in lw's best interest
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#17 Jan 14, 2014
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
I can sorta speak from experience here. I'm pretty sure my grandma would NOT have been happy about the color of my husband's skin but I'm also pretty sure that she would have been totally smitten with my first child.
Babies can be magic like that.
Yes, they certainly can. I was watching a Maury show a while back, one of those DNA test shows that you hate yourself for watching. A white woman was having a black man tested for paternity and his loudmouth mother was *screaming* that there was no way that child was her son's because the baby was so light-skinned. No way that white baby was her grandchild. The test results come back, and they are positive; her son is the father. After the break, they show grandma holding the baby and just cooing to him. Now that she knows it's her grandchild, the skin color is irrelevant; that is her grandbaby and she is pouring on the love. I'll never forget that show. The woman's attitude shifted so quickly.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#18 Jan 14, 2014
You do realize that those shows are as staged as a WWF fight right?
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, they certainly can. I was watching a Maury show a while back, one of those DNA test shows that you hate yourself for watching. A white woman was having a black man tested for paternity and his loudmouth mother was *screaming* that there was no way that child was her son's because the baby was so light-skinned. No way that white baby was her grandchild. The test results come back, and they are positive; her son is the father. After the break, they show grandma holding the baby and just cooing to him. Now that she knows it's her grandchild, the skin color is irrelevant; that is her grandbaby and she is pouring on the love. I'll never forget that show. The woman's attitude shifted so quickly.
Blunt Advice

New York, NY

#19 Jan 14, 2014
Grandmothers are not as frail and naive as society makes them out to be.

The lw should tell her grandmother. She will not only live through the revelation but will probably be understanding of why it was kept secret.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Jan 14, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
1. Math time. Granny is 90. How old can mom or dad be? 60 give or take several years? That would make LW 30 give or take. Old enough to have a baby and be a responsible parent and old enough to know granny isn't so frail and decreppid that she will die when she finds out. Another theory......dad is much older than mom and granny is his mom. Which means he was a mommas boy who didn't leave the house until he was old enough to join AARP. That's the only way she could be a teenager that has to hide it.
The lw states the old bird is HER grandma

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