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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Mar 8, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I'm a 13-year-old boy, and I'm gay. I was wondering what advice you could give me on coming out to my parents. I don't know what to do or how to do it.-- Lost

DEAR LOST: I shared your letter with Michael LaSala, who is a psychotherapist, professor at Rutgers University and author of the book "Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child" (2010, Columbia University Press). LaSala is also gay and works with young people who are facing this challenge.

We both want to offer you our warmest support. It is a triumph to really know who you are, and you deserve credit for wanting to be your authentic and true self and to share this with your parents and others.

Coming out is a process, however, and you should prepare yourself as well as you can. LaSala suggests pondering some important questions:

"What are you hoping for in coming out to your folks?"

"What is the most realistic or likely outcome, and are you prepared for it? If your parents are part of a gay-intolerant religious or cultural tradition, or if you've heard them talk negatively about gay people, that tells you that even though they love you, they will have a tough time with this."

"Will they ask you to leave the house? You need to think about this possibility. Do you have a place to stay? Do you have a network of friends, family members, teachers and other adults you can turn to for emotional support?"

This is an adjustment for everyone, and even if your parents accept and enfold you (as we hope they will), you (and they) should be equipped with resources.

Look up these websites, and do some research (you can then share them with your parents):

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays: pFAGdotorg. Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network: gaysendotorg. The Trevor Project: trevorprojectdotorg.(The Trevor Project runs a hotline staffed with counselors. Keep this number on hand: 866-you're gay.)

You should start this conversation by choosing a good time, sitting down with your parents and saying, "Mom and Dad, I have something important to talk about."

DEAR AMY: My son, who is 19, has been dating a girl for two years. He is very much in love, but this relationship has created problems in our family.

Her family is financially fortunate, whereas we struggle just to get by. Recently my husband lost his job, and this has made our lives even harder. The girlfriend and her family feel my son isn't good enough for her.

He hasn't the means to buy prom tickets, holiday gifts, etc., but he gives all he has. He has even paid for her dinners and will watch her eat while he eats nothing.

It is breaking my heart seeing him feel "less than." We've raised him to believe love is all that matters. Were we wrong?-- Upset Mother

DEAR UPSET: If "love is all that matters," then the real lesson is for your son. He needs to learn what love really is.

It is not lovely to eat a meal while your boyfriend has nothing. It is not lovely to expect (or demand) gifts and prom tickets when there are no means to acquire them. It is oh so not lovely to be in a relationship in which you feel "less than."

It is beautiful to be loved just as you are. Your son should be making his way in the world with someone who will cheer him on and inspire him to great heights, not deplete and depress him. If this relationship is perpetually holding him back, you should urge him to leave it.

DEAR AMY: This is for you and for "Wedding Food Blues," who was prompted to ask the caterer for "an assortment of lacto-ovo wheat-free side dishes" at her friend's wedding.

The wedding is about the bride, not about one guest's food intolerance!-- John in Ithaca

DEAR JOHN: As an omnivore with culinary caveman overtones, I'm late to the gluten-free party -- but caterers tell me this sort of request is perfectly acceptable.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Mar 8, 2013
 

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1 Your 13 and gay... whoopie.
2 why the hello cant you son get a job? There's that big govt employer call the Marines.
3 shove it john, some peeps cant eat out of a trough like you.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#3
Mar 8, 2013
 

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Lw1: Why the $%&*! aren't you writing Dan Savage? Amy had to farm this question out.

Lw2: While I agree with what Amy has to say <gag> I don't think this boy will listen.

Lw3: Ooo! Lacto-ovo wheat-free rehash. My favorite!

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Mar 8, 2013
 

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L1: If your parents are vehemently against gay people -- not just anti-gay marriage, anti-gay equal rights, but make stupid statements like "we should get rid of all the gay people and put 'em on their own island," or you have any reason to think they'll make your life a living hell if you come out to them, then I advise keeping your mouth shut until you're 18 then getting the hell outta there. However, if your parents are reasonable, loving people, then Amy's expert gave good advice. I would suggest you be prepared with some information from pflag.org that you can direct them to.

In my experience (including serving on the board of directors for PFLAG for a number of years), most parents who have a hard time acceping that their kid is gay come around to full acceptance within a year. The two conservative Christian clergymen who sat on our board had young adult sons come out to them, and one took a year to come around, and the other took six weeks.

GOOD LUCK!

L2: Your son is dating a user. He should dump her and find someone NICE to date. She eats while he sits there? He shouldn't do it, and she shouldn't tolerate it either. that's just an unhealthy situation to me.

L3: John, shove your sexist crap up your netherregions.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Mar 8, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
2 why the hello cant you son get a job? There's that big govt employer call the Marines.
Marines? She's talking about him buying prom tickets. Sounds like he's still in HS, or at least was thru most of this relationship.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#6
Mar 8, 2013
 

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L1: What Ang said.

L2: He buys her a meal and sits and watches her eat it? And this strikes no one as totally messed up? You're raising a doormat. It's not about money, it's about self-respect. Make sure he gets some.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#7
Mar 8, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: If your parents are vehemently against gay people... However, if your parents are reasonable, loving people
Love to hate, huh?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#8
Mar 8, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
In my experience (including serving on the board of directors for PFLAG for a number of years)
Want a medal for being progressive?

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#9
Mar 8, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Marines? She's talking about him buying prom tickets. Sounds like he's still in HS, or at least was thru most of this relationship.
Even a part time job? My parents didn't pay one red cent towards my prom. Or my dates.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#10
Mar 8, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Want a medal for being progressive?
Want one for being REgressive?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
Mar 8, 2013
 

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If he is 13 and presumably still going through puberty, wouldn't he more likely still be questioning?

I am reminded of the article last week about a 6 year old who was undergoing sex change therapy and operations who wanted the elementary school to accomodate her disability. 6 years old? Didn't Freud say a kid that age hadn't reached latency yet?

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#12
Mar 8, 2013
 
1 "Mom, I'm gay." Not that hard was it? Trust me kid, unless your parents have their heads up their azzes, they already suspect it.

2 Dump your byotch girlfriend an uppiy-azz famiy.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#13
Mar 8, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
If he is 13 and presumably still going through puberty, wouldn't he more likely still be questioning?
I am reminded of the article last week about a 6 year old who was undergoing sex change therapy and operations who wanted the elementary school to accomodate her disability. 6 years old? Didn't Freud say a kid that age hadn't reached latency yet?
I saw that. I didn't think the kid was doing anything besides dressing as a girl, though.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#14
Mar 8, 2013
 

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LW1: What RWG said, except that I'd hold off on telling your parents until you are 18 regardless. The only experiences that I have are are with my gay cousin and one of my dance instructors. It became obvious that my cousin is gay when he was about LW's age. By the time he came out in his early 20s, we all said, "Yes, we know." No biggie. My dance instructor's parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. Dad is more accepting than Mom. He came out in his early 20s. He's 40 now and Mom still hasn't warmed up to the idea.

LW2: First of all, he is 19. This is probably not his last girlfriend. Secondly, her parents oppose the relationship. Thirdly, he's taking her out to dinners when he can't afford to eat to impress her. She should be paying for her half. She doens't appear to understand (or care) just how strapped for cash he is. For these reasons, I think this relationship is doomed. I advise LW to butt out and let nature take its course.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Mar 8, 2013
 
L1: I can understand how it would be very difficult subject for some to talk to their parents about. I wish the difficult parents in those scenarios would stop and think -- why would someone WANT to be gay? Mostly, people want to like most people. If someone is gay it's not their choice, it's who they are. I don't understand someone who could reject their kids for who they are.

L2: It doesn't say, but I'm thinking the 19 year old is asking his parents for money. If you're still in school, you can get a part time job. I've worked since I was a teenager (yes, at 13 and I'm not counting babysitting). I will admit jobs before you are 16 are difficult and nowadays jobs before you're 18 are difficult b/c they like to hire 18 and over for legal reasons in many positions.

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Mar 8, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
If he is 13 and presumably still going through puberty, wouldn't he more likely still be questioning?
I am reminded of the article last week about a 6 year old who was undergoing sex change therapy and operations who wanted the elementary school to accomodate her disability. 6 years old? Didn't Freud say a kid that age hadn't reached latency yet?
I think that's insane -- no hormones or procedures would be necessary until puberty, or right before puberty.

And Freud has been largely discredited on many fronts, so his opinions on human sexuality -- especially sexual orientation and gender identity -- don't mean much to me.

Since: Jan 10

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#18
Mar 8, 2013
 
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: What RWG said, except that I'd hold off on telling your parents until you are 18 regardless.
Except he may want to date before age 18.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Chicago, IL

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#19
Mar 8, 2013
 

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1. Mom, dad, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I can guarantee you I will never knock someone up and I'm going to save you a lot of money on sporting equipment. The bad news is....

2. Wait, what? He sits and just watches her eat, and she lets him? THAT'S your problem right there. Have a dialogue with your son about that.

3. Here, here! You tell 'em!!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#20
Mar 8, 2013
 

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from the letter
My son who is 19.....
Probably her prom not his.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Marines? She's talking about him buying prom tickets. Sounds like he's still in HS, or at least was thru most of this relationship.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#21
Mar 8, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
from the letter
My son who is 19.....
Probably her prom not his.
<quoted text>
So he's got no job, still lives with mom, still dating a high school girl...

Who's the big winner? Mikey! Mikey's the big winner!

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