“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 18, 2013
DEAR AMY: My father has cancer, along with other health issues. Though his prognosis is fine, my mother seems to be showing a complete lack of concern or involvement with his health care.

He has gone to oncologist and radiologist visits by himself. He was recently hospitalized after a doctorís visit, and she did not even go to visit him in the hospital.

My biggest concern is that by her not realistically dealing with this issue now it could lead to an emotional breakdown later (this has happened to her before with another family issue). Do you have any suggestions for her adult children to help her face reality, or is it okay to let her deal with things by avoidance?-- Worried Family

DEAR FAMILY: As a family, your immediate attention should be toward your fatherís care. The most available and medically competent family member should accompany him on medical visits (if that is what he wants).

It sounds as if your motherís avoidance is extreme. Because she has a history of emotional struggles in times of stress, you should ask your fatherís treatment team if they can recommend a therapist, social worker or support group for your mother. She may have an extreme amount of anxiety about this issue (or medical treatment in general).

Obviously, your mother should not deal with this by avoidance or denial, but her impairment and your fatherís illness are your familyís reality, and you should not assume she will be useful to him.

DEAR AMY: The other day a close friend and I were talking about adoption. I am adopted, and my friend told me that she has an aunt who is adopted but doesnít know it.

She is about 50 years old and has grown up thinking her adoptive parents are her biological parents; she has no idea she is not biologically related, but everyone in her family knows that she is adopted. Do you think they should tell her?-- Mr. B

DEAR MR. B: I think an entire family knowing the truth about something as intimate and important as a personís biological heritage while keeping it a secret from the person herself is wrong. And now you know about this personís adoption while she is still in the dark.

As an adopted person, surely you think this woman should know the truth about her own life. You should share your unique insight with your friend and urge her to encourage her family to be truthful.

DEAR AMY: A single mom signing her letter ďIím Her MomĒ outlined a challenge having to do with her motherís extreme opinions regarding eating, weight and body image.

Wow, this resonated with me because I dealt with a very similar dynamic in my own family. You were right to say that eating disorders can be passed from one generation to the next. When I saw this happening in my family, I firmly controlled my motherís access to my children, certainly when it came to food.

Iím happy to say that though my mother never successfully managed her own eating disorder, my children grew up with healthy eating habits and body image.-- Also a Mom

DEAR MOM: You successfully interrupted this vicious cycle. Good for you!

DEAR AMY: The letter in your column from ďBig SisĒ really took me back.

Like Sis, I was a much older sibling, and when I went off to college my brother was in kindergarten.

I worked very hard to keep in touch, even from a great distance, and somehow we managed to stay close. People are often shocked at our extreme age difference because we are best friends to this day. He and I live in the same city, and I couldnít be happier about that.-- Big Sib

DEAR SIB: It is definitely possible to maintain and even enhance a relationship from a distance. Technology has made this much easier, and keeping in touch through photo-sharing and social networks is a lot of fun. Even though I still love to send and receive U.S. mail, itís hard to beat the convenience of the Internet.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 May 18, 2013
1- His prognosis is fine. What's the problem?

2- EVERYBODY knows she's adopted except her? Right. Stay out of your friend's aunt's business.

3- "I firmly controlled my motherís access to my children."
And you think that's the reason your kids didn't end up fatasses? You sound like a btch.

4- Yay?
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#3 May 18, 2013
By going to the oncologist "by himself", is LW1 saying the father is driving himself there or does he have another ride? More facts are needed before
calling the mother out or villifying her on this letter.

Agree with edog on LW2.

Don't like LW3 nor understand why LW4 was run.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 May 18, 2013
If my husband were an emotional train wreck, which he isn't, I wouldn't want him at an oncologist office with me either. Butt out.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#5 May 18, 2013
boundary painter wrote:
By going to the oncologist "by himself", is LW1 saying the father is driving himself there or does he have another ride? More facts are needed before
calling the mother out or villifying her on this letter.
Agree with edog on LW2.
Don't like LW3 nor understand why LW4 was run.
Plenty of our patients come to appointments "by themselves." Unless you have brain mets or some other seizure disorder, cancer doesn't stop you from DRIVING.

I have a feeling the dad may not want the mom there. Wonder if they've ASKED him.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#6 May 18, 2013
PS, some of the patients absolutely do not want any info given to family members. As is their right.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#7 May 18, 2013
VAdame wrote:
PS, some of the patients absolutely do not want any info given to family members. As is their right.
Yep. Not even to spouses. I had to go to the emergency room when I was living in Morocco (note: don't do this unless you HAVE to) and they just let the who freaking family in with me and told them everything with no regard to whether or not I wanted them to know my private medical info. I didn't really care because I would have told them anyway, it wasn't a secret thing to me (pneumonia and a lupus episode exacerbated by the pneumonia), but it's MY choice, not the doctors' so I was pretty annoyed by that.

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