dear abby 5-26

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 26, 2013
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, my husband and I became foster parents to a little girl who had been seriously abused. After we had cared for her only seven months, she was returned to her parents. Shortly after that, the mom signed guardianship over to the grandmother and now the grandmother is considering putting the child back into the system. This is a girl with "difficult" issues.

Although I deeply loved her, the time she was with us was very challenging and hard. Do I sign up for a life filled with uncertainty and give this child a shot at stability? Or do I pray that she will find the perfect home to meet all her needs?-- UNCERTAIN ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Only you decide about whether you are up to the challenge of trying to fix this damaged girl. There are no guarantees, and it is no disgrace to admit this is more than you feel you can manage.

However, if you feel that you and your husband can make a difference, it is important that you know you won't be alone in trying to handle her emotional issues. In this country, support systems for children are better than they are for adults. Your county mental health department can guide you, and if there are medical schools nearby, they may sponsor programs to train young psychiatrists who can also help you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 18 years. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. Last year we separated for eight months. We decided to stay married and are now again living together.

story continues below

I found out not long ago that he slept with my daughter's best friend. I am horrified that he'd do such a thing, because as a teenager she would hang out at our home. I feel that what he did should have never happened.

Although I would like to think our marriage can be repaired, I still have my doubts. Should I feel this way or let the past stay in the past?-- LOOKING FOR ANSWERS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR LOOKING FOR ANSWERS: Not every woman would forgive an affair that seems this uncomfortably "incestuous." A counselor may be able to help you sort out your feelings, and joint marriage counseling should definitely be considered before you make up your mind.

DEAR ABBY: What is a man's ethical responsibility when he hears of a crime in group therapy?

While attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I heard a man confess that he had dropped a cinder block on a boy's head when he was 12. The man was never arrested for the crime. I can't stop thinking about the boy who was his victim. Should I tell the police?-- SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SOMEWHERE: It is the group leader's responsibility to contact the authorities if a group member is a danger to himself or others. If this happened when the man was 12, what would it accomplish to report it at this point? Because this has been preying on your mind, you should talk with the group leader about the matter.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 May 26, 2013
1- Not really sure what your question was but I'm not too sure Abby answered it, either. And did you run this by your husband?

2- Again, this is only something you can answer. Is it the fact he slept with someone else, or the fact it was your daughter's friend? You can call the past the past and move on, or you can't. Or you can just sleep with your daughter's ex boyfriend and call it even.

3- Considering you're in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, have YOU ever harmed someone and gotten away with it? Those in glass houses and all.... But I can understand your concern. Did it result in death or a debilitating life-long injury? If not, there might be a statute of limitations issue. But talk to the group leader, talk to the authorities.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#3 May 26, 2013
LW2, her husband, and her daughter's friends are giving Oklahoma a bad name.

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 May 26, 2013
LW1 - When you have kids, you sign up for a life filled with uncertainty. The thing is, you can't give kids back. If you have doubts, you probably should not adopt. Continue to be the greatest foster parent that you can be, though.

I can't imagine, however, that any kid in the foster care doesn't have "difficult issues." To end up in foster care, a kid has had to have something majorly messed up in his/her bio family. The only ones that are probably growing up without issues are the ones who were still infants when they were taken away from their bio parents and who ended up in the adoption track with stable families right away.

LW2 - How old is the friend? The way it is written, it sounds like the friend is at least in her mid-twenties or older. It may sound "icky" that your husband slept with her, but (a) you don't know that your husband initiated the "affair" (does it still count as an affair if a couple is separated?) and (b) you need to talk this issue out in couples' therapy.

LW3 - Details needed. "Was never arrested for the crime" is one thing "no one ever discovered that he was the murderer" is another. Talk to the group leader.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 May 26, 2013
1 If you can, more power to ya. But you dont need amby to tell you this.

2 Splitting up means you are free to sow your oats. If she was legal, then you have to deal.

3 Crack, the scourge of our times

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