Abby 3-15-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Mar 15, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 40 years. Like all married couples, we have had our ups and downs, but we have a good marriage. We have two children and five grandchildren.

I wouldn't change anything, except I never had an engagement ring. My husband has bought jewelry for me over the years, but never what I really want -- a diamond ring.

I have hinted to him over the last few years, left jewelry store catalogs and enlisted my sister-in-law to TELL him. He can afford it. But he just won't buy one for me.

He has been financially helpful to our children and is generous to charity. But when it comes to this, it's becoming clear that he thinks I am just not worth it. I feel unloved and deeply hurt. It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more. Any comments?-- DISENGAGED IN FLORIDA

DEAR DISENGAGED: Yes. Diamonds are minerals that have been marketed to the public to seem like something more. Do not let this negatively affect your relationship with your husband. If a diamond ring is what you want, then consider buying one for yourself. You wouldn't be the first woman to do it, and you won't be the last.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of 18 months, whom I love with all my heart, just learned an ex-boyfriend passed away. They dated on and off for 10 years, and she's inconsolable.

After their relationship ended, she married someone else and divorced. I am having a really hard time with how she's handling this. Can you please help?-- CURRENT MR. RIGHT IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR CURRENT MR. RIGHT: Your girlfriend may not be mourning the death of her former flame as much as she's grieving a burial of 10 years of her history. Give her time and let her share her feelings with you. If you do, it will bring you closer. Do NOT allow jealousy to enter into the picture.(Remember, the man is dead, and YOU are her future.)

If her deep grief persists, suggest she get grief counseling. That would be the most loving and supportive thing you could do.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem dealing with shopping mall kiosk operators. Many of them are outright obnoxious. They block your way and insist that you listen to their pitch or try their product. I find I have to avoid eye contact with them. They might say something nice as I walk by, but if I answer, it is a guaranteed lead-in to a sales pitch.

I feel bad for not replying, but it's the only way. I know they are trying to make a living, but I can see their product as I walk by. If it's something I'm interested in, I'll stop and ask. Otherwise, I think they should respect my privacy. Am I wrong for feeling this way?-- BOTHERED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

DEAR BOTHERED: Not at all. If a stranger speaks to you, no rule of etiquette compels you to reply. When one of these salespeople starts to pitch you, all you need to say is, "Not interested!" and keep walking. However, if someone attempts to physically restrain you, it should be reported to the mall management because that is going too far.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Mar 15, 2014
L1 DeBeers wins.

L2 Every now and then when I am feeling maudlin I Google ex boyfriends to see if there is an obit. So far I haven't found one but I am dreading the first. It is a very tangible marker of getting old.

OTOH last year my husband and I attended a ski club reunion from 30 years ago and I ran into a guy I dated. 30+ years did not improve him.

L3. Oh, for Heavens sake, just say No thanks and keep walking. How hard is that?
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#3 Mar 15, 2014
LW1 is iving Florida women a bad name. Can't she just be grateful she
has a man she can trust?

Is LW2 sure he is Mr Right for this lady?

Team PEllen on LW3. Or make the shush sound while walking away..
NicoleK

Sulgen, Switzerland

#4 Mar 15, 2014
Abby missed the point of the first LW... it's not the ring she wants, it's the ring FROM HER HUSBAND that she wants.

"it's becoming clear that he thinks I am just not worth it. I feel unloved and deeply hurt. It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more"

She's wanting to feel wooed, loved, appreciated, and the ring has become the symbol of this. If everything was truly great it would be less of an issue.

I can't believe Abby ignored that!
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#5 Mar 15, 2014
1: Why did she get her sister-in-law involved? Am I wrong in thinking she may not have directly asked her husband but is waiting for him to have the idea "on his own" without her prompting him? She's just left "hints" and jewelry catalogs around the house. She's nuts. If a ring is all that important, she should open her mouth and use her words. BTW, my husband and I have been married 42 years and I never had an engagement ring either. Big whooptie do. When will people know it's not about the ring or the big wedding. It's about the marriage - the sharing of lives. You'd think that after 40 years this lw would know that. But she writes that she is last on his list: "It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more." I read discontent here - either jealousy or a life of feeling she's been taken advantage of. Marriage counseling might help. I suspect there's more to her problem than a desire for a ring.

2: Your gf obviously had feelings at one time for her old bf. Why shouldn't she feel grief at his death? Perhaps she is just a more emotional person than many of us. Grief counseling might help.

3: I don't see that these folks are all that much a problem. Just say, "No thanks." and continue on your way. If they prevent you from leaving, go ahead and complain to the mall management. If the same folks persist blocking your passage past their kiosks in later visits to the mall, document this and complain to the police. Of course, I doubt the police will take you seriously but they may have a suggestion as to what you can do if they can stop laughing long enough.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#6 Mar 15, 2014
Pippa wrote:
BTW, my husband and I have been married 42 years and I never had an engagement ring either. Big whooptie do. When will people know it's not about the ring or the big wedding. It's about the marriage - the sharing of lives. You'd think that after 40 years this lw would know that. But she writes that she is last on his list: "It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more." I read discontent here - either jealousy or a life of feeling she's been taken advantage of. Marriage counseling might help. I suspect there's more to her problem than a desire for a ring.
Just because you are fine doesn't mean she might be. It's not an unreasonable request, but I will agree with you this may be a symptom of something larger. She probably agreed to no ring back on engagement and just wants that visual token. I won't flame someone for having that desire. It's common and reasonable.
I do think she should stop hinting. He's bought jewelry before--why not this? That is odd.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#7 Mar 15, 2014
2: I can see both sides. Mourning is normal and necessary; to be inconsolable with her new bf is a bit weird.
If she was that gaga, why date for a freaking decade? Marry or get off the pot-she probably dated, waiting and hanging on for him to propose, which he never did. LW may very well be feeling that his gf is mourning "the one that got away." That's hard to take for many normal people.

3: They don't exists in my world. Harrassing others for a living doesn't even get a "no thanks" from me.

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