“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 May 2, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have a carpool dilemma with two friends who do not get along.

I have been participating in an athletic team's summer carpool for almost five years now.

I drive my friends' children to events in other towns and to practice. For the past two years in a row, at the end of the season, there has been a blowup from one of my friends about how she can't stand the other friend, etc.

I have been thinking about this for over 10 months now and have decided that I do not want to be in the carpool any longer.

I have already told my one friend, and she understood. I have not told the other friend yet because I do not want to start a fight or drama.

Is there a way to end a carpool without starting a fight? I want to stay true to my gut feeling that ending this arrangement is the best thing for me and my family.-- Wishing for Summer Peace

DEAR WISHING: This person's combative and dramatic nature is what is causing the problem in the first place, and so you should expect her to behave as she usually does.

Declining to be involved in something that causes you stress is not starting a fight. It is simply making a choice that is very much your right to make.

So make your statement. You do not have to offer rationales. You only need to say that you don't want to carpool this year. If this causes a problem, then you have further justification that you are doing the right thing.

DEAR AMY: Some of my college friends have all graduated and acquired entry-level jobs in our respective fields.

One friend has always been a "spender," and the rest of us are concerned about her financial future.

She depleted her savings account while studying abroad in college, then took out student loans for an expensive graduate program in a liberal arts discipline. She had a very difficult time finding a job, but now that she is making a modest salary, she is still living paycheck to paycheck without putting any money away.

When we saw her last weekend, we saw all of her new purchases from the past few months, including an iPad, designer coat and clothing, accessories and appliances.

She and her fiance are planning a wedding on her parents' dime, and yet she is convinced that her parents have "more money than they let on" and will eventually pay off her debt and spring for a down payment on a house -- so she's not saving anything for those either.

Should one or more of us speak with her about her poor habits? Her fiance is more of a spender than she is, and the rest of us are concerned that 10 years from now, we'll be hearing they are filing for bankruptcy.-- Saver Friend

DEAR SAVER: Your friend is making choices. You don't approve of these choices (I don't, either), and if these choices have an impact on you, you can weigh in.

Otherwise you'll have to wait for an opening. The next time she brags about a splurge, you can respond by asking, "Don't you ever worry about your financial future?" She will say no (worrying about the future would interrupt her current habits), and you can respond by saying, "Well, I do. I worry about it quite a bit."

Financial guru Suze Orman has written the perfect book for you and your cohort: "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke" (2007, Riverhead). This would be a good investment.

DEAR AMY: I just read your very wise answer to "Older, but not Wiser," the woman who is feeling guilty now that her sister is helping out with their ill mom.

I had a very similar situation: I also formed a tighter bond to my sister (to whom I had never felt very close) after she "stepped up" when our mom was ill and dying. She helped out tremendously.

We now appreciate each other so much more and are in touch more than we ever were, despite living on opposite coasts.-- Grateful Daughter and Sister

DEAR GRATEFUL: Beautiful!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 May 2, 2014
1- I'm not very bright, so it's not surprising that I'm a little confused... Okay, to get this straight... you drive your two friends' kids around... One friend had an issue with the other friend... Because of this, you decide you don't want to drive EITHER of their kids around anymore... You told the one friend and she understands (guess she has another way to get her kid to practice.) But you haven't yet told the other friend for fear of a fight. So for now, you're still driving both kids around. And you're looking for a way out of it?

Maybe it's too early. I need some coffee and another beer. I just can't wrap my head around your drama to give you any meaningful advice. Maybe tell the other friend your car is in the shop. Once she figures out an alternative, the situation might work itself out

2- "but now that she is making a modest salary, she is still living paycheck to paycheck"

Gee, story of my life. And I'm pushing forty. I was promised financial security by now. Sigh

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#3 May 2, 2014
LW1- just tell them that this will be your last season as part of the carpool. At this point,*you* are the one creating drama.

LW2- don't buy her a stupid book. It is not your job to educate your friend who is not asking for advice. Mind your own business and learn that you can't write about "some" friends who "all" do something. Your writing is like nails on a chalkboard.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 May 2, 2014
L2. I don't know what it is about some people, but Suze Orman grates on my nerves.
I don't care what kinda of guru she is, I would not read her book.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 May 2, 2014
1 I'm with mutt, just what are you talking about?

2 MYOB with a capital OB!
Cass

Claremont, CA

#6 May 2, 2014
LW1 - I couldn't read this and understand it, so passing right along...

LW2 - This is sooooooooooo none of your business.

LW3 - Good for you.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#7 May 2, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 MYOB with a capital OB!
Yes! This is your business exactly why now??

And aren't you gonna be surprised when her parents pass away and leave her their vast millions ;-)

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 May 2, 2014
L1: I have to go with Scarlett on this one. She is the one creating the drama.

L2: Whatever. It's her money, not yours. Worry about your own self.

L3: Okay.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#9 May 2, 2014
L1: Lol @ edog. And yeah, this was too hard to follow, but the gist of it is: grow the eff up.

L2: Nunya. And buying them a book or having a financial intervention won't do squat. Their parents are the ones who failed, and unless they really are planning on leaving them a fat inheritance (which they'll probably squander away), only the school of hard knocks will change them.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#10 May 2, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW1- just tell them that this will be your last season as part of the carpool. At this point,*you* are the one creating drama.
LW2- don't buy her a stupid book. It is not your job to educate your friend who is not asking for advice. Mind your own business and learn that you can't write about "some" friends who "all" do something. Your writing is like nails on a chalkboard.
Ha! I see we agree on both letters. For a college graduate (#2), she wasn't thinking very clearly when she wrote that letter. ;-) However, I might buy a person who has those poor spending habits that book for a wedding gift. The only thing is, they'd probably toss it or simply use it as a coaster on their brand new coffee table.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 May 2, 2014
LW1: "Is there a way to end a carpool without starting a fight?" Clearly not, if the very reason you're getting out the carpool is because this person starts fights!!!

Just rip the band-aid off already.

LW2: This is soooo not your problem. Just don't lend her money.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#12 May 2, 2014
2: Some of you folks have said that the parents failed here. That's true. And I suspect the daughter is going to be VERY shocked when it turns out that her parents are in huge debt when they die. Either they too had her bad spending habits or they spent themselves into debt giving her everything her little heart desired. They need to start holding the line now. They have not done her any favors. I've seen this happen before.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 May 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- I'm not very bright, so it's not surprising that I'm a little confused... Okay, to get this straight... you drive your two friends' kids around... One friend had an issue with the other friend... Because of this, you decide you don't want to drive EITHER of their kids around anymore... You told the one friend and she understands (guess she has another way to get her kid to practice.) But you haven't yet told the other friend for fear of a fight. So for now, you're still driving both kids around. And you're looking for a way out of it?
Maybe it's too early. I need some coffee and another beer. I just can't wrap my head around your drama to give you any meaningful advice. Maybe tell the other friend your car is in the shop. Once she figures out an alternative, the situation might work itself out
I think perhaps she means that the kids participate in the sport, but their moms also come along to these away games.

It was very poorly written.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 May 2, 2014
You guys have it covered.

I do feel sorry for the kids from Ltr 1. Traveling teams are not easy for parents to manage. It would be a shame if the kids lost out on the sports opportunities because the mom's are drama queens.

So none of your business....except of the friend is having a lavish wedding and will be a Bridezilla about gifts which are not commensurate with the scale of the wedding or if LW thinks friend will come asking to borrow money in a few years. Some people grow up the hard way and there is not a thing you can do. And some people are lucky and pull it off and there is not a thing you can do
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#15 May 2, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L2. I don't know what it is about some people, but Suze Orman grates on my nerves.
I don't care what kinda of guru she is, I would not read her book.
I also heard she does not practice what she preaches. She has so much money from her books and lectures that she does not have to.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#16 May 2, 2014
tiredofit wrote:
<quoted text>
I also heard she does not practice what she preaches. She has so much money from her books and lectures that she does not have to.
Why is that a problem? If her methods work for people who aren't as well of as she is and they help people become more financially stable, does it matter that she's wealthy and doesn't have the same restrictions on her spending?
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#17 May 2, 2014
LW1: Amy nailed it: "Declining to be involved in something that causes you stress is not starting a fight". Deliver your message without emotion and do not back down.

LW2: My friend's sister and her husband were big spenders until they accumulated a terrifying amount of debt and had nobody left in their lives to bail them out with interest-free loans. At that point they went to CCC, which helped them negotiated down their interest rates and tore up their credit cards. This is what will happen to LW2's friend, OR they will end up declaring bankruptcy. In either case, it is their money and their problem.

LW3:
pde

Bothell, WA

#18 May 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- I'm not very bright, so it's not surprising that I'm a little confused... Okay, to get this straight... you drive your two friends' kids around... One friend had an issue with the other friend... Because of this, you decide you don't want to drive EITHER of their kids around anymore... You told the one friend and she understands (guess she has another way to get her kid to practice.) But you haven't yet told the other friend for fear of a fight. So for now, you're still driving both kids around. And you're looking for a way out of it?
She said it was an "an athletic team's summer carpool" so the season probably hasn't started yet. Likely it's something like a Little League travel team, which is a level beyond standard Little League. They travel all over a region to play other teams at the same level.

So, she doesn't want to drive the kids around this summer. Time to tell the other mom is coming up fast.

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