Amy 2-21

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Feb 21, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My wife and I have a baby daughter. This year for Christmas we gave a photo book of our daughter to all of her grandparents and great-grandparents, chronicling our child's first nine months.

We collected candid and impromptu photographs with everybody in the immediate family -- except for my stepmother. The reason we don't have a photo with her is because she is super-picky about pictures. She will frequently ask for photos of her to be deleted, due to her unhappiness with her appearance.

Now that the book has been received, my father and stepmother are angry and "feeling slighted" that a photo of her was not included. They have accused us of not trying hard enough to obtain a picture of my stepmother with her grandchild. They claim that we should have informed my stepmother as to our intentions in order to get a good photo.

My wife and I feel this is unfair. We didn't plan to do this project when we were taking the photos originally.

Did we do the wrong thing? Can we correct it?-- Trying to do Right

DEAR TRYING: I love your idea and intentions, but ask yourself: How would you feel if you received a family's chronicle of a child's first months, only to see that you were the only family member left out? This is an especially tender issue with stepparents. I can understand how being left out of this photo book would hurt your stepmother's feelings, certainly if everybody else was included.

Acknowledge this to your stepmother. Tell her you were trying to surprise everyone and were too rushed to be inclusive. Tell her you'll make sure to include her in the next photo book, and ask her to forgive this oversight.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I recently purchased our first house. We're excited to share our happiness with family and friends at our housewarming party. One thing I'm not excited about is the prospect of inviting my cousins.

I'm very close to my aunt and uncle; they are like grandparents to me. My husband and I moved to our home state last year and frequently get together with family members. I love spending time with my aunt and uncle, but I cannot abide their children, my two (much-older) cousins. They always find ways to make snide remarks about our lives, and the male cousin loves making off-color, sexual remarks that make me incredibly uncomfortable (and yes, I tell him that it bothers me).

I do not want them in my new home, but I fear I would offend their parents by pointedly leaving them off the list. Should I avoid the drama and grudgingly extend an invite? Or is it all right to put my foot down, and invite only those people we truly want to be there?-- Family

DEAR FAMILY: Most families have at least one family member who is barely tolerable. These people serve as a reminder that we cannot choose our family; at best we can use these relationships to learn more about tolerance and forgiveness.

In healthy, balanced families, however, each adult bears the natural consequences for his/her behavior. You should not have to invite people to your home who you don't like and who don't like you, but you might want to use this as an opportunity to see if these cousins can behave themselves. If they don't, you have every reason not to ask them back.

DEAR AMY: "Joan" wondered if she could justify spending a cash gift from her parents on her dream of taking a trip to India.

Look at the problem this way. Making lots of assumptions, Joan, 50, earning $40,000 per year, will make and spend another $600,000 by age 65. She will come home from her retirement luncheon with one of two thoughts: I have $10,000 in the bank, a long-ago gift from my parents; or, I remember the golden face of Krishna, with serpents around his neck, lighted by 100 candles, dancing on one foot, and smiling at me.

Go, girl, go!-- Perry

DEAR PERRY: Now I want to go, too! Thank you for the encouragement.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Feb 21, 2013
 

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L1: I"m sorry you have such a pain in the butt for a stepmother. I doubt any apology will make it better. She's a very vain woman.

L3: Yup. GO GO GO GO to India!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Feb 21, 2013
 

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LW1: What Amy said. But also, quit letting her dictate what pictures you can and can't keep. Don't wait for people to pose for the camera. Take candid shots and don't open them up for review on whether or not you can keep them or must delete them.

LW2: What's gonna be harder to do? Explain to the beloved aunt and uncle why their kids are not invited? Or put up with these pains in the ass for an evening?

LW3: Or she could invest that cash wisely and turn it into a much larger amount.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#4
Feb 21, 2013
 
Why do the pia's attend?
Free food? Can you have something other than a housewarming party? How about a dinner where teh guest list is limited by the number of dining room chairs?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Feb 21, 2013
 

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1 What lamy said, leaving her out was totally tacky.

2 Deal.

3 Go or invest it, but quit waffling.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#6
Feb 21, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
Why do the pia's attend?
Why wouldn't they? Its a party with family and friends where they would enjoy themselves. The fact that others may not enjoy their company is irrelevant to them.
PEllen wrote:
Can you have something other than a housewarming party? How about a dinner where teh guest list is limited by the number of dining room chairs?
That kinda defeats teh purpose of throwing a housewarming party. Invite all your friends vs exclude damn near everyone just so you have an excuse not to invite 2 people you don't like?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#7
Feb 21, 2013
 

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LW1: I probably wouldn't even notice if I were the one not included in a photo with the child! I don't constantly compare and contrast things like that.

I would just chalk it up to one of those things and move one. If they are upset, you've already explained why it happened and after that, it's "oh, well" time and eye roll time.

LW2: You have to decide which will choice will be the least painful. Your call.

LW3: IF I remember correctly, she was on pace to meet her retirement goals, anyway.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#8
Feb 21, 2013
 
L1: What Tonka said.

L2: Don't have a housewarming party, just have people over, a few at time. Only the ones you like.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

United States

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#9
Feb 21, 2013
 
1- Yeah, you put way too much thought in what other people think of the pictures you take. Do whatever, they can deal.

2- Don't invite them, screw them. You are under no obligation to invite people you don't want to your home. Maybe this will serve as an eye opener to them not to act like such jerks.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#10
Feb 21, 2013
 
LW1: She sounds like a PITA but it was rude to leave her out. Make a big deal about getting some taken now, maybe that will help <mimishrug>.

LW2: It's only one night; just deal with it.

LW3: My eyes glazed over at "making lots of assumptions."

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#11
Feb 21, 2013
 

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L1: I have a feeling if there were photos of her the LW would be writing how upset the stepmother was about the horrible photo of her and they only picked it to get her upset. She should be included, though. Going forward, take the pictures and quit worrying about what stepmother will say/do. She'll be upset anyways so do what you think is right.

L2: You're stuck. They're family. I'd speak up to them if they say/do anything completely inappropriate. First time privately, second time in front of the aunt & uncle. Be ready for drama, though, but try not to get caught up in it.

L3: Enough.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#12
Feb 21, 2013
 
Just don't care.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#13
Feb 21, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
2- Don't invite them, screw them. You are under no obligation to invite people you don't want to your home. Maybe this will serve as an eye opener to them not to act like such jerks.
MOst of teh PIA/ awful relatives I know have no awareness of how awful they are or how other people perceive them. If you are guiless enough to actually say something, they get offended and make you the bad guy.
Awful relatives are the reason passive aggression was invented.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

United States

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#14
Feb 21, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
MOst of teh PIA/ awful relatives I know have no awareness of how awful they are or how other people perceive them. If you are guiless enough to actually say something, they get offended and make you the bad guy.
Awful relatives are the reason passive aggression was invented.
When it comes to "toxic" relatives, everyone seems to have the opinion thnat those types of people should be cut from your life. Yet, when it comes to rude, obnoxious relatives, everyone's saying "deal with it."

Eff that. You all can suck it up if you want to, but if I was the LW, I would not invite them. My house, my party, I'll invite or not invite whomever I want.

Since: Jul 10

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#15
Feb 21, 2013
 
I had a get-together at my house before a deployment, and this came up. I didn't even think about it when I invited people...just called those I wanted to see before I left, including my uncle and his girlfriend. Didn't invite his adult children, but it wasn't a snub. We just don't socialize. They don't invite me to anything either.

Uncle was PIZZED. Hammered when he got to the house, acted like a dick, but not enough to throw him out. I felt really bad for his girlfriend, who is a very nice lady. Haven't seen or heard from him since, and it was about 4 years ago. I've called but not heard back. It's too bad that he cut off contact, but I'm not going to apologize. I didn't do anything wrong. I am a little surprised that he reacted that way, but it's on him. If I meant that little to him, it's not really much of a loss, as far as I'm concerned.

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Feb 21, 2013
 
These cousins aren't "toxic." Not even close.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#17
Feb 21, 2013
 
1. Sorry stepmom, but you are sleeping in the bed you made. It is not up to everyone else to placate you and your pickiness.

2. Invite them, but at the first inappropriate behavior, tell them they will be asked to leave if they continue and tell the aunt and uncle. You should be able to stand up for yourself in your own home.

3.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

United States

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#18
Feb 21, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
These cousins aren't "toxic." Not even close.
I didn't say they were.

But if you're willing to cut out "toxic" relatives all together, why should it be unnaceptable to not invite obnoxious ones to your housewarming party?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#19
Feb 21, 2013
 
Because its TRADITION! Their family and as such they get invited.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I didn't say they were.
But if you're willing to cut out "toxic" relatives all together, why should it be unnaceptable to not invite obnoxious ones to your housewarming party?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#20
Feb 21, 2013
 
LW1: One word: Photoshop.

LW2: What Tonka and Sublime said. There are times in life when we have to be in the company of people we dislike. You have to decide if this is one of those times. Maybe you can throw 2 parties; one for family and one for friends.

LW3: I went to Peru last month and spent too much money. It was worth it! GO!

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