“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Apr 11, 2013
DEAR AMY: I hope you can help me. Months after the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre, I am still haunted by the horrific nature of that tragedy. Iíve never been anywhere in New England and have no personal connection to Newtown, Conn.

I am the adoring father of two sons who are in the same age range as the Sandy Hook child victims, and I think that has made this horror even more real and severe for me. For days after the shootings, I cried every day, and I continue to cry today.

I have prayed constantly since that day for God to do the impossible by instilling peace in the victimsí families. The pain of those left behind is overwhelming.

Recently I have occasionally been able to watch a snippet of related coverage or read a paragraph in an article, but prior to that I couldnít bear to see any images or read any stories about the tragedy.

Iíve felt so helpless all along. What can a mere human do to ease this sort of pain for other parents? I think some of this helplessness is a weird sort of guilt and also a fear for my own boysí well-being.

Iím a normally upbeat, optimistic person, but I have not reached my usual level of joy and peace since this event. Iíd appreciate your guidance.-- Devastated From a Distance

DEAR DEVASTATED: I find it quite understandable that you would be horrified, worried and even traumatized by the Sandy Hook attack. It is truly beyond comprehension and has shaken many of us to the core.

Even though things seem to be improving slightly for you, you sound anxious and depressed. Events such as the 9/11 attacks and the horrific crime at Sandy Hook can trigger depression in people who have no personal connection to the event. A therapist can help you express some of your own fears, explore your anxieties, obsessions and rumination, and talk about your worries for the future.

Any time you find that your usual temperament seems to be altered in the longer term, it is a sign that you need an evaluation and some treatment. Talking about this with a compassionate counselor will help you. Putting voice to your fears would ultimately be good for you and for your family. Once you feel better, you may be able to put your concerns and compassion to use for the greater good.

DEAR AMY: I have had a serious problem with forgiveness all my life. I hold grudges. I know this is only hurting me. The ones who ďdo it to meĒ donít give a fig, and I am still hurting. Any words of advice on how to forgive and move on?-- Stuck

DEAR STUCK: Each of us has faults and flaws (grudge-holding is one of yours). Before forgiveness, you could focus on acceptance.

You tell yourself,ďI cannot change other people. I cannot change the past, but I can accept that people are flawed, they make mistakes and do hurtful things. I have been hurt. I have been wounded. But these wounds do not define me.Ē

Create a mental picture of the person or events that have hurt you. And then imagine these pictures melting, floating or dissolving away. Release yourself from the burden of what others have done. And let it go.

It is harder to forgive someone who hasnít asked for forgiveness, but forgiveness is a powerful concept that can set you free. Imagine asking the people you hold grudges against to forgive you for being intransigent. Thatís a tall order, but it would close the circle for you.

DEAR AMY:ďSad GrandmaĒ was upset because her daughter-in-law wouldnít allow her to host the grandkids because her partner smokes.

I think itís really important for people to realize that secondhand smoke and third-hand smoke are toxic. It settles in the drapes, carpets and clothing. It can actually be harmful ó not only to babies and children, but also to grandma herself. I am allergic to cigarette smoke in any form and react immediately when I am anywhere near it.-- Allergic

DEAR ALLERGIC: This reality was the inspiration for my response. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#2 Apr 11, 2013
1- Woe is me, pal. Why aren't you upset by the 1.2 million children that are murdered every year in utero?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Apr 11, 2013
1 Ya never know whats going to rattle someone. Heard about the same thing after 911. I think we live in an information overload society.

2 No, make long and detailes lists outlining your revenge, stew for years.

3 You cannot be allergic to cigarette smoke.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 11, 2013
LW1: "Months after the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre, I am still haunted by the horrific nature of that tragedy."
"Iíve never been anywhere in New England and have no personal connection to Newtown, Conn."
"For days after the shootings, I cried every day, and I continue to cry today."

WTF?!? You literally cried for days? Over people you have zero connection to? I would hate to be your friend. I could not deal with that kind of extreme over-sensitivity. What the hell are you like when someone you actually know dies?

"Iím a normally upbeat, optimistic person,"

LW2: "I know this is only hurting me."
How so?

"I am still hurting."

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Apr 11, 2013
L1. Society is saturated with senseless violence. The media and the entertainment industry being some of the prime movers and shakers.
And truth be told, I was not at all surprised by what happened at Sandy Hook.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Apr 11, 2013
Of course I was sad and disappointed. But not at all surprised.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Apr 11, 2013
L1: Team Tonka with a side of edog. People are murdered every day and yes, the sensationalism of something like Sandy Hook puts it in your face 24/7 for awhile, but YOUR life isn't over. Get it together.

And after 9/11, I was somber for days. I grew up going to the city, have been to the observation deck of the WTC, and my dad had business acquaintances who perished that day. But I didn't let it break me.

“Colorful Beyond Words ”

Since: May 11

" Live, Laugh, Love "

#8 Apr 11, 2013
LW1. Sounds like your are playing the "What if" game. "What if" it had been my community, "What if" it had been my kids... In doing that, you have spun yourself into a mental anxiety about this tragedy. And it was VERY horrific ...so repeat after me .....

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

Peace to you.

Lw2. Carrying grudges only makes you a bitter person. Life is unfair , so let it go and move on. Seriously.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#9 Apr 11, 2013
I see it as an endless vicious cycle.
The public demands violence in their entertainment and Hollywood willingly delivers.
It's called the spill-over effect. You should read up on it sometime.


Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Apr 11, 2013
LW1 - This tragedy hit a lot of parents very hard, since they imagined themselves in that position and felt helpless. I can relate. Many of the parents at Ry's school were there early that Friday to pick their kids up, even though we live a couple of states away. Most of them were crying before the kids got out of school and they were crying again when we dropped them off the next Monday. It is normal to be nervous about your child when he/she is out of your sight and your have to trust someone else with his/her safety.

To be still consumed with grief at this point is not normal, though. You have to find a way to put things into perspective, see the good and beauty in the world (because there truly is a lot of it), and regain that optimism for your children's sake. Maybe that means cutting out violent video games and playing board games. Maybe you can plant a community garden and teach your children about nature and how to work with their neighbors. Maybe you start volunteering at a hospital or nursing home and give back some of yourself to those in need.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember that you are leading by example. Talk to your doctor if you can't stop crying and be proactive in trying to get better. That is what you would do for your children, right?

LW2 - Amy's advice makes me want to puke, and I am usually pretty cheesy. How about just repeating "They are not worth my time or effort" and finding something else more rewarding to focus on?


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Apr 11, 2013
L1: You are a horrible example to your children. Bad things happen in life and you have to pick yourself up and go forward b/c we cannot change the past, only learn from it. Get into counselling before you really screw up your kids.

L2: I don't hold grudges. I accept people make mistakes and/or have different viewpoints. I never forget, though, people who have broken a trust with me and it would never be the same again.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Memphis, TN

#12 Apr 11, 2013
1. It's nice that you're sympathetic and all but good God man, get a grip. What kind of example are you setting for your children? How can your wife respect you with such a lack of fortitude?

2. A) It might hurt you most, but it rubs off on others. You don't live in a bubble. B) You are aware, now work on it. Strive to keep things in perspective. Try to empathize. Remind yourself you are not perfect and you would appreciate consideration when you come up short.

3. I have a hard time coming down on someone who tries to keep their kids away from cigarette smoke.

Marina, CA

#13 Apr 11, 2013
LW1: I was reading a magazine the other day that featured several stories of the families of the children who were murdered at Sandy Hook. I could not read all of the stories in one sitting. I mentioned this yesterday to my 2 co-workers, both of whom had seen a 60 Minutes special on the same topic, and neither of them could sit through the piece. Compassion is a gift, but you need to put your fears aside. Find a counselor who can help.

LW2: Hate is like an acid that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured. Work on letting go of negative feelings. They don't hurt the other person, they hurt you. Be positive, be thoughtful, be joyful. Don't let other people ruin your day. Tell yourself, "It's their stuff."

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Apr 11, 2013
LW1: What a total cop-out answer Amy.

LW2: I am put in mind of a Red Hot Chili Pepper song "F*ck 'em just to see the look on their face".

LW3: Anyone have a smoke I can bum?

Chicago, IL

#15 Apr 11, 2013
LW1: You "continue to cry today"? Get over yourself, you self-indulgent, selfish FN Drama Queen. You're harming your sons with your histrionics. But that doesn't matter, cuz IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

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