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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jun 12, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: My partner of 12 years and I are well-educated, successful career men. Every few months my mom comes to visit, and we all enjoy spending time together.

The last few visits were not so great. We caught Mom snooping in our bedroom and our home office. When we confronted her, she got upset and stormed out of the room in tears. I have asked her to respect our privacy, but her response is that she -- as the mother -- is the one who deserves respect.

We recently had some renovations done to the house that included locks on our bedroom and office doors. When neither of us are home, the doors stay locked. Nothing was said about it during Mom's last visit, but last week we received a note from her telling us not to come for our usual summer visit. I tried to call her, but she won't answer.

Today I talked with my aunt (Mom's sister), who told me Mom is furious over the locks. My aunt also expressed disappointment in me for "shutting Mom out." I don't understand how I could be in the wrong, but it seems my whole family feels I am. Please advise.-- IN A JAM IN ST. PETE

DEAR IN A JAM: Although your mother deserves respect, it is hard to respect someone who goes through one's bedroom and office after having been asked not to. You may be her son, but you are also an adult and have the right to some privacy. What Mom is doing is the equivalent of throwing a tantrum. You were not shutting her out; you were drawing the line. Regardless of what your aunt said, you owe no one an apology.

Let's hope this storm blows over soon. And as to your summer holiday plans, an Alaskan cruise might be a lovely change from the humidity of Florida and the steam coming from wherever your mother lives.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother was very poor, but she was generous with what she had. As a child, I noticed that most of the gifts she received were regifted to others. At first, it upset me because I spent a lot of time choosing a "perfect" gift for her. Then I realized she was enjoying the gift twice. She loved receiving it, but it gave her even more pleasure to pass it on to someone else to enjoy when she couldn't afford to buy a present on her limited income.

I get so tired of people whining about "regifting." Instead of being happy that someone gave them something, people worry about how much was spent.(I'm willing to bet the real reason for the upset is that the regift can't be returned or exchanged.) People who don't want to receive regifts should let the givers know so they won't waste their generosity on them in the future.-- THE JOY OF GIVING

DEAR JOY: I see the issue differently, because I suspect that some complainers may have confused the monetary value of the item with how much they -- the recipients -- are valued in the relationship. As you point out -- and I agree -- it really is the spirit in which a gift is given that counts.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Jun 12, 2013
 
1- Surprised your mother even WANTS to know what two gay men keep in their bedroom.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Jun 12, 2013
 

Judged:

2

1

1

1 MOMMMMMMMMM!

2 NO, your grandma was too cheap and thoughtless to get someone else a gift and instead just chose some piece of crap her grandkid gave her to pass along.

it was not enjoying the gift twice, it was her getting off on the cheap twice. Once in not having to buy a gift, and again when she was able to unload some piece of junk.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#4
Jun 12, 2013
 
Lw1: She's pissed because you went and locked up the gay porn.

Lw2: Oh, puke.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#5
Jun 12, 2013
 
LW1: If she's this bad now, what the heck was she like when you were a teenager?????

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#6
Jun 12, 2013
 
pde wrote:
LW1: If she's this bad now, what the heck was she like when you were a teenager?????
In these situations, I kind of blame the LW for that very reason. Set up boundaries early and you don't have as much trouble later on.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#7
Jun 12, 2013
 
L1: She has no right. He's not wrong. Unlock the doors and put stuff that springs out at you when you open a drawer, motion detectors with admonishments when you walk where you shouldn't be, etc. Get creatives and have some fun with it.

L2: Yes. Once people grow up and start realizing a gift is a gift. And for the grown people who have not learned it, let them swim in their ignorance.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#8
Jun 12, 2013
 

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Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
In these situations, I kind of blame the LW for that very reason. Set up boundaries early and you don't have as much trouble later on.
Do you think that boundaries as a teenager would have worked with a mom who is throwing temper tantrums as an adult?

I'd think that trying to keep this mom out of his room as a teen probably would have resulted in him losing his door.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
Jun 12, 2013
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Do you think that boundaries as a teenager would have worked with a mom who is throwing temper tantrums as an adult?
I'd think that trying to keep this mom out of his room as a teen probably would have resulted in him losing his door.
You're probably right.

True story. My ex MIL would go through all our stuff. She found some pics of me taken during the honeymoon trip to Jamaica showing my burnt body. While they were nekkid pics they were of me on my stomache on the bed so you could only see the backside of me and it looked like I had a white swimsuit on.:) Anyways, she planted them in my ex's grandmother's house on the floor so grandma could find them and said I planted them there.

You never know what crazy people will do.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#10
Jun 12, 2013
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Do you think that boundaries as a teenager would have worked with a mom who is throwing temper tantrums as an adult?
I'd think that trying to keep this mom out of his room as a teen probably would have resulted in him losing his door.
True--I assume we're dealing with rational people here and we're not.

I guess the upside of being such a snoop is that it probably wasn't a surprise when her kid came out of the closet...

"Oh, I know, honey. You wrote about it in your diary when you were 9..."
plumloco

United States

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#12
Jun 12, 2013
 

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I feel so bad for LW1 having a loon for a mother. Respect is not a given - it must be earned. And she lost it when she started snooping and then fell further when she continued doing it after being caught and asked to stop. I have zero respect for people like that woman and I'd gladly write her off if I was related to that overgrown child.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#13
Jun 12, 2013
 
plumloco wrote:
I feel so bad for LW1 having a loon for a mother. Respect is not a given - it must be earned. And she lost it when she started snooping and then fell further when she continued doing it after being caught and asked to stop. I have zero respect for people like that woman and I'd gladly write her off if I was related to that overgrown child.
Snooping like that is the reason why my inlaws have been banned from staying at my SIL's house, and aren't left alone in our house. Although my FIL is the snoop.
plumloco

United States

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#14
Jun 12, 2013
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Snooping like that is the reason why my inlaws have been banned from staying at my SIL's house, and aren't left alone in our house. Although my FIL is the snoop.
Good for all of you for standing up to the snoops! I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#15
Jun 12, 2013
 
Matilda77 wrote:
I guess the upside of being such a snoop is that it probably wasn't a surprise when her kid came out of the closet...
"Oh, I know, honey. You wrote about it in your diary when you were 9..."
I'm wondering if it might be the opposite. Maybe she didn't snoop at all when he was a kid and WAS surprised to learn he was gay. Maybe that kinda taught her to keep closer tabs on him?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#16
Jun 12, 2013
 
Closer tabs? To what end?
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm wondering if it might be the opposite. Maybe she didn't snoop at all when he was a kid and WAS surprised to learn he was gay. Maybe that kinda taught her to keep closer tabs on him?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#17
Jun 12, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Closer tabs? To what end?
<quoted text>
In edog's mind I would imagine to make sure he didn't "turn" gay.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#18
Jun 12, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm wondering if it might be the opposite. Maybe she didn't snoop at all when he was a kid and WAS surprised to learn he was gay. Maybe that kinda taught her to keep closer tabs on him?
You mean like locking the barn door after the horse is gone?

Usually, that is regarded as both a fruitless and stupid measure undertaken by an idiot.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#19
Jun 12, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
In edog's mind I would imagine to make sure he didn't "turn" gay.
Maybe if she caught the warning signs earlier, she could have prevented him from turning gay?!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#20
Jun 12, 2013
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
You mean like locking the barn door after the horse is gone?
Usually, that is regarded as both a fruitless and stupid measure undertaken by an idiot.
Our maybe she doesn't want anymore surprises?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#21
Jun 12, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Maybe if she caught the warning signs earlier, she could have prevented him from turning gay?!
I think you're starting early to keep jmw entertained. No worries. We can start never ending debates tomorrow.

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