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“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#1 Jan 29, 2013
DEAR AMY: My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago and has steadily slowed down. She comes to visit my family three times a year.

We used to have so much fun — going for walks, playing games, or going to movies and shows. But now she no longer can remember the rules to the game or the plot of the story and is nervous when walking longer distances (understandable for an 87-year-old).

She often slips into a kind of stupor and loses track of whatever we are doing, whether it be dinner or meeting old friends.

I’m wondering if you could suggest some things we could do with her? She is such a different person than she used to be, and we are at a loss as to how to make her stay with us enjoyable!-- Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED: You don’t say when the last time you saw your grandmother was or how long you plan to have her with you, but you should get complete and thorough information on her current status from her caregiver.

Many people with Alzheimer’s have periods during the day when they are more alert. Get as much information as you can about her particular habits and familiar foods. Eliminate any safety hazards in your home, and understand that she may get out of bed and get confused at night.

Instead of prompting her to try to remember people or stories she may not remember, try to stay in her moment. You can leaf through a photo album, art book or a travel magazine and ask her to tell you a story about what she sees on the page. Ask open-ended questions:“What does that make you think of?” Listen to her, even if she doesn’t track well — and don’t push her.

Listening to music with her could be enjoyable for all of you. She may want to sing or recite portions of lyrics, nursery rhymes or stories from long ago.

The Alzheimer’s Association has helpful caregiving ideas on its Web site: check alz.org .

DEAR AMY: I’m a woman and have been friends with my best pal,“Barry,” from the time we were toddlers. He has always been like a brother to me, but recently I’ve been subjected to what seems like a controlling father figure instead of a best friend/brother figure.

I recently had my lip pierced. He said I was supposed to ask him for his opinion first. He said he was very let down by my doing this without his permission.

When I said I was 25 and allowed to do as I pleased he insisted that we’re brother and sister and that we’re supposed to approve each other’s decisions. He said he did not approve of my piercing — or my boyfriend.

I’m very happy with my life, happier than in previous years of being single or with abusive ex-boyfriends, yet Barry can’t seem to realize this.

Should I give my relationship with Barry more space? Should I cut him off completely? I’m starting to feel very awkward and weird when I’m around him; even his girlfriend says he’s becoming very overbearing.-- Tired “Sister”

DEAR TIRED: If your life has been full of dramatic up-and-down swings (including abusive boyfriends), then “Barry” may have gotten the idea that you need him to approve your choices — certainly if some of your choices in the past have not been healthy.

However, there are red flags here, and you should pay attention. If he is trying to control your decisions and seriously insists on prior approval, and mentally or emotionally punishes you when you don’t do as he says, then yes, you should definitely keep your distance.

DEAR AMY:“Lonely” wondered why his daughter said she loved and appreciated him but wanted him to stay out of her life.

I think it’s possible she is in an abusive marriage and doesn’t want him to know. Aspects of his letter raised this possibility for me. I hope he does as you suggest and tries to see her.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: When someone chooses isolation or estrangement, I agree that this is a possibility. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Jan 29, 2013
1 Sounds like amby is suggesting you treat your grandma like a toddler. I have no idea if this is the right thing to do or not, but I imagine in a lucid moment she might get pizzed.

2 Actually think amby might be on to something. Guy is used to being leaned upon, and now its not happening. Might be jealousy, not ready to say he's a control freak though.

3 I missed this rehash. Must have been a sunday special.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 29, 2013
LW2: Are you blind? Barry wants you, and not in a brother/sister way.
LW3: I missed the original run, but it could also mean that dad is a meddling pain in the arse.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#4 Jan 29, 2013
L1: What Race said. This LW should have asked Abby instead, her having experience with Alzheimer's.

L2: What Tonka said. Also, Barry sounds creepy.

L3: I don't remember the original either. Could this be a fake rehash?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 29, 2013
L2: Weird. Do you have to ask his permission before having coitus as well? First,t alk to him. If he doesn't agree to back off, then distance yourself from him.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jan 29, 2013
I agree with you guys.

L1: Writing Abby would give a more appropriate response in all likelihood.

L2: Tonka's right -- Barry wants to get into her pants.

L3: I don't remember this letter, either. Maybe it was a weekend letter.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#8 Jan 29, 2013
2- I don't think it's jealousy (why now all of a sudden?) Amy and Race have a point, this woman has made some bad choices and now dude feels she needs guidance.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jan 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- I don't think it's jealousy (why now all of a sudden?) Amy and Race have a point, this woman has made some bad choices and now dude feels she needs guidance.
Dude's been her "best friend" for years? What that means is he's been wanting her for years and does not have enough game to make a move, so for now, he's content with the status quo of being the main dude in her life and hopes that "magic" will happen like in the movies and she'll realize he's "the one". Now some other dude's moving in on his turf. He's not sure what to do or how to handle this cause his "plan", if you can call it that, is falling apart.

He KNOWS she's not his girlfriend, but emotionally, that's how he feels about her.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Jan 29, 2013
LW1: It’s not about you and your enjoyment, at this point. Towards the end it is becomes just sadness and care, I’m afraid. Enjoy the few moments where she is herself and keep your expectations in check. When my great grandma got so bad, was bed ridden, and was basically a vegetable, even a brief moment where she would wave or smile at me was special. As the disease progressed, those little things even went away too. In a few years time, you will look back at all she is capable now and wish she were still so capable.

LW2: Tell Barry, that while he is free to make sure that you approve of every decision he makes that you don’t want a type of relationship where every decision you make has to meet his approval. I would also put some space between the two of you, for a while.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Jan 29, 2013
LW1: I know nothing about this, but I can imagine that meeting her where she is is the way to go. I would also think music from her childhood/early adulthood would get through the haze too.

LW2: Barry sounds totally creepy. Back away slowly.

LW3: Soggy-ass rehash for a soggy-ass chicago day.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Jan 29, 2013
; even his girlfriend says he’s becoming very overbearing.-- Tired “Sister”

So your saying he wants a 3some?
Also, its not her first boyfriend, so he probably knows she aint no virgin.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Dude's been her "best friend" for years? What that means is he's been wanting her for years and does not have enough game to make a move, so for now, he's content with the status quo of being the main dude in her life and hopes that "magic" will happen like in the movies and she'll realize he's "the one". Now some other dude's moving in on his turf. He's not sure what to do or how to handle this cause his "plan", if you can call it that, is falling apart.
He KNOWS she's not his girlfriend, but emotionally, that's how he feels about her.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#13 Jan 29, 2013
1 Sounds like Grandma's visits are coming to an end. Enjoy being able to see her wile you can, and consult senior care experts, not Amy.

2 Time to permanently say, "Bye bye Barry".

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#14 Jan 29, 2013
My stepfather is under hospice care in the final stages of Lewy Body Dementia (the second most common form of it after Alzheimer's; in fact, many LBD cases are initially mistakenly diagnosed as Alzheimer's), which he's had for many years. He hasn't known anyone or anything for a long time now. But I agree with Amy's suggestion about music, because he still responds to music no matter what it is.

The hospice people and his caregivers at his nursing home say that that's true for almost everyone with any form of dementia, including in the very last stages. Music is primal and universal.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#15 Jan 29, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Dude's been her "best friend" for years? What that means is he's been wanting her for years and does not have enough game to make a move, so for now, he's content with the status quo of being the main dude in her life and hopes that "magic" will happen like in the movies and she'll realize he's "the one". Now some other dude's moving in on his turf. He's not sure what to do or how to handle this cause his "plan", if you can call it that, is falling apart.
He KNOWS she's not his girlfriend, but emotionally, that's how he feels about her.
It's a possibility but not necessarily. Men and women can be friends without the desire to be sexual.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Jan 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It's a possibility but not necessarily. Men and women can be friends without the desire to be sexual.
I actually think it is unlikely that he is interested in her sexually.

They've done studies that show boys and girls, as they grow into adulthood tend not to be interested in those of the opposite sex who they grew up with and were too close with. I can totally buy that. By the time I was in high school, I wasn't really interested in most of the girls in my own grade. A lot of the nice looking ones were more like sisters and in the "friend-zone." We might play grab a$s with each other and flirt, but I didn't really see them as girls I wanted to date.

There's something more appealing about the unknown and meeting a new person who you don't know, figuring them out, in the confines of a sexual relationship, as opposed to dating someone who was like a sister to you before you started dating, despite the fact that from a relationship standpoint it seems like the latter may provide the benefit of familiarity.

Maybe it just comes down to something as simple as excitement. Same ole, same ole, can be boring. Someone new and undiscovered is exciting, at least at the outset ... yes, it's all fun and games, until you come home and see your pet bunny cooking in a pot on the stove.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#17 Jan 29, 2013
1. You might want to ask someone with more of a medical background. Just sayin'.

2. Barry is being lazy and using you as a surrogate for a real relationship with a female. For both your sakes you need to introduce som space. He's not gonna like it, but that bird needs to leave the nest.

3.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Jan 29, 2013
RACE wrote:
; even his girlfriend says he’s becoming very overbearing.-- Tired “Sister”
So your saying he wants a 3some?
Also, its not her first boyfriend, so he probably knows she aint no virgin.
<quoted text>
I think he's becoming more acerbic as it becomes more and more apparent to him that he ain't ever gettin together with her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Jan 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
It's a possibility but not necessarily.
Is it possible that my assessment is wrong? Sure. But that's still my best guess.
edogxxx wrote:
Men and women can be friends without the desire to be sexual.

Certainly. But does this guy have a girlfriend? Has he ever had one? Does he date? If the answer to these questions is generally a 'no', then I think its even more likely that I'm spot on and he's pining for her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Jan 29, 2013
Sam I Am wrote:
Barry is being lazy and using you as a surrogate for a real relationship with a female.
If my guess that he's silently longing to be with her is wrong, this is my second guess.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#21 Jan 29, 2013
except for the fact that your wrong. He DOES have a girlfriend. I even posted the quote.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Is it possible that my assessment is wrong? Sure. But that's still my best guess.
<quoted text>
Certainly. But does this guy have a girlfriend? Has he ever had one? Does he date? If the answer to these questions is generally a 'no', then I think its even more likely that I'm spot on and he's pining for her.

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