First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 25, 2013
DEAR AMY: I recently found out that my employer’s wife thinks we are having an affair. My boss and I have known each other for 25 years, both as friends and co-workers. We are quite close and I consider him a brother-type figure.

My husband and I ran into this couple, and I was shocked when the wife shot me a dirty look. I asked my boss about it the next day, and he told me straight out that she is accusing us of fooling around (with no basis for her suspicions). I told my husband immediately, and he trusts that nothing is going on.
The company we work for is very small. As a company we have all traveled and socialized together (including spouses). We will have a company holiday party/dinner, and I’ve told my husband I’m not interested in going.

I’m furious with her for accusing me of something so serious. I consider my marriage vows important. I worry I will feel uncomfortable all evening in such a small group of people.

My husband and my sister both say I should go because I’ve done nothing wrong, but how do I handle myself appropriately when there are so few people present — and only three other women to talk to (her being one of them)?-- Ticked

DEAR TICKED: The bravest, most straightforward thing you could do would be to contact this woman independently to say,“Bart has told me that you suspect us of having an affair. Can you explain this to me?” She will either sputter and deny it or admit her suspicions. Either way, you can say,“Well it’s simply not true, and I want you to know I find this accusation really out of line and I’m upset by it.”

She may apologize or she may be unrepentant. Either way, this clears the way for you to carry on with your life without the damning unfounded allegation hanging over your head.

The way to do this in a small group is to channel your inner “Downton Abbey” character. Be cordial and polite. Consider the matter closed. You might even feel a little sorry for her because there is obviously something challenging going on in her life.

DEAR AMY: I have three grown children who are married with kids of their own. I am fortunate that they live nearby and I can visit once or twice a month.

The problem is that they do a lot of bickering in front of me or complaining about their spouses’“laziness” or “pickiness” or other flaw while I am with them. I often leave upset and worried that they will divorce.

I love seeing my grandchildren, and these visits mean so much to me. I don’t know if this is the norm for young couples with families or if they are headed for something bad. They all have jobs and nice homes. Should I just shut it out, or should I speak up?-- Caring Nana

DEAR NANA: You are their mother. Part of this privilege means that you get to use your position once in a while to say something important. And this is very important.

Bickering in front of other people — or complaining about your spouse to your parent — is damaging to all of the relationships involved. Couples should not draw other people (their parents or their children) into their intimate relationship. It is very confusing — outrageous, really — to hear someone bitterly complain to the extent that you worry about the future of their marriage, and then you see them carry on as if everything is fine (and everything may be fine with these couples).

Tell all of your kids,“This is a destructive habit, and it makes me very uncomfortable.”

DEAR AMY: Another comment about children opening gifts in front of each other:

My parents had us wait until the guests had left. This was to spare the feelings of children who might have had limited funds and had not given very good gifts.

I wish more parents were as thoughtful as mine were.-- Grateful

DEAR GRATEFUL: Your parents could have taught you to be compassionate toward your friends while also opening their gifts at the party.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Oct 25, 2013
1 Maybe its because your kids look like her husband?

2 Maybe it the way your raised them?

3 Maybe you were raised wrong?

Actually I am team Amy's Intern on all 3.
Cass

San Diego, CA

#3 Oct 25, 2013
LW3 - I have never seen a guest-kid break down in tears or become upset in any other way during the present-opening. They seem to understand that it's the B-Day Girl/Boy's presents, and not theirs. Don't parents teach their kids little by little that *other* people can have stuff they themselves may not have, and envy is not a good feeling to nourish? Do those kids grow up and then have fits because a neighbor next door bought a new car, and they can't have one right now?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Oct 25, 2013
1- Don't confront her at all. Who cares what she thinks? Screw her.

2- Married couples bicker. Don't be so dramatic.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Oct 25, 2013
LW1: Geez, I hate it when I agree with the dog.

And go to the party, talk to people than just these three women, and if she confronts you with the wild accusations here is how you should answer. "If he's having an affair, it is not with me."

LW2: Ask them to stop, but remember the apple does not fall far from the tree. Examine how you talk about others.

LW3: This is just stupid. At some parties, there simply isn't time and/or space to open gifts. When you rent out the party spot, you have to abide by those time/space limits. Sometimes that means you don't get to open the gifts at the party. Get over it, people.

At Lulu's recent party, my mom said something that immediately made me thing of this whole subject. She said we should open the gifts in front of the guests so that we don't have to send thank-you notes.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#6 Oct 25, 2013
LW1- lighten up and stop worrying about insignificant people. Go ahead and confront her if you want to, or just go about your life normally without letting some insecure woman who you don't even work with.

LW2- MYOB

LW3- This might not seem like that big of a deal when you are friends with a fairly homogeneous group of friends, but I think it is a valid concern when you go to school in a more diverse socioeconomic area. The children attending the party don't get to set the budget for their friends' birthday presents, even though their name is on the card.

At my kindergartener's party last month, he received presents ranging from a $5 book to a $50 bill. You bet that the kids know the value of these presents. I would rather the children attend the party and enjoy their time together than tell their parents they don't want to go because they are embarrassed that their parents can't afford to spend more than $5 on a gift. Also, many of the parties around here take place at locations like Chuck E. Cheese or Jumping Jungle. These parties last about 2 hours and are very well scheduled with just enough time to play, eat lunch and have cake. The kids have no desire to cut into that time because they are watching someone open presents. As long as the birthday child acknowledges all of the presents with a thank you note (sent after the party, not a generic thank you attached to the favors), I don't see what the problem is.

One more thought - I wonder how many of these people who complain about children not opening presents also find bridal showers boring?

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#7 Oct 25, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Geez, I hate it when I agree with the dog.
And go to the party, talk to people than just these three women, and if she confronts you with the wild accusations here is how you should answer. "If he's having an affair, it is not with me."
LW2: Ask them to stop, but remember the apple does not fall far from the tree. Examine how you talk about others.
LW3: This is just stupid. At some parties, there simply isn't time and/or space to open gifts. When you rent out the party spot, you have to abide by those time/space limits. Sometimes that means you don't get to open the gifts at the party. Get over it, people.
At Lulu's recent party, my mom said something that immediately made me thing of this whole subject. She said we should open the gifts in front of the guests so that we don't have to send thank-you notes.
Haha! I was typing my comment while you posted yours.:)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Oct 25, 2013
3- I agree it's a valid concern. My sister always upstages me with gifts to our nephews. Hey, she doesn't have a mortgage, I do. Makes me look cheap.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Oct 25, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- I agree it's a valid concern. My sister always upstages me with gifts to our nephews. Hey, she doesn't have a mortgage, I do. Makes me look cheap.
Try this role on for size: Edog, the rich bachelor uncle. ;-)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Oct 25, 2013
It's not the mortgage keeping you poor it's the hookers
edogxxx wrote:
3- I agree it's a valid concern. My sister always upstages me with gifts to our nephews. Hey, she doesn't have a mortgage, I do. Makes me look cheap.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#11 Oct 25, 2013
LW1: I totally agree with edog and squishymama. What's the point in confronting her? It will only make your employer uncomfortable, and that's the last thing you want to do. Go to the party, be your usual self with everyone, and hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong and someone else's insecurity is not your problem. Let your employer handle his wife.

LW2: Bickering is a bad habit. Tell them "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff."

LW3: Rehash ad nauseum. I stand by my opinion that it slows down the party pace to open presents, and I would suggest it for small parties only. Most kids would rather play. Or maybe open a few presents at a time throughout the party?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Oct 25, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: I totally agree with edog and squishymama. What's the point in confronting her? It will only make your employer uncomfortable, and that's the last thing you want to do. Go to the party, be your usual self with everyone, and hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong and someone else's insecurity is not your problem. Let your employer handle his wife.
There was something in the news over the summer about a situation like this in Iowa in, I think, a dentists office. The wife made the husband fire the employee.. the employee sued for some sort of discrimination. The Iowa Supreme Court said No. Then they had second thoughts recalled the decision and decided No again.

Moral of the story. Get your resume out there.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#13 Oct 25, 2013
RACE wrote:
It's not the mortgage keeping you poor it's the hookers
<quoted text>
I spent half my money on booze, women, and gambling.

The other half I wasted!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#14 Oct 25, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW2- MYOB
I think they make it her business by always doing it in front of her.
It's so negative and gross.
I would never argue non-stop in front of parents.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#15 Oct 25, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>I think they make it her business by always doing it in front of her.
It's so negative and gross.
I would never argue non-stop in front of parents.
It's their relationship. She might not like it, but it is not her place to tell two grown adults how to talk to each other. She can leave (and tell them why), but she should mind her own business instead of trying to change them.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Oct 26, 2013
I don't think she'll change them but they are morons if they think they can argue continuously in front of someone and not have that someone feel weird and want to get involved, especially if they love them.

I agree with leaving and saying why, but I'm not letting these ridiculous couples off the hook.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Oct 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
There was something in the news over the summer about a situation like this in Iowa in, I think, a dentists office. The wife made the husband fire the employee.. the employee sued for some sort of discrimination. The Iowa Supreme Court said No. Then they had second thoughts recalled the decision and decided No again.
Moral of the story. Get your resume out there.
Yeah, I think 20/20 did a story on it. The dentist was attracted to his hygenist, so he fired her. I think the wife did make him do it or somehow encouraged the firing. He would make comments to the hygenist abotu her looks and stuff, too, completely unsolicited by the hygenist. I couldn't believe she lost. I thought she was either appealing or going to a higher court. The employee isn't even workign as a hygenist anymore after all this. I think she's a waitress.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#18 Oct 29, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, I think 20/20 did a story on it. The dentist was attracted to his hygenist, so he fired her. I think the wife did make him do it or somehow encouraged the firing. He would make comments to the hygenist abotu her looks and stuff, too, completely unsolicited by the hygenist. I couldn't believe she lost. I thought she was either appealing or going to a higher court. The employee isn't even workign as a hygenist anymore after all this. I think she's a waitress.
I remember this story, too. The hygenist was happily married and not at all interested in the dentist, but the wife made him fire her anyway. And she lost the lawsuit!

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 Oct 29, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I remember this story, too. The hygenist was happily married and not at all interested in the dentist, but the wife made him fire her anyway. And she lost the lawsuit!
That was it! And the hygenist dressed appropriately and, by all accounts, was very good at her job.

And the dentist was NOT attractive at all!
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#20 Oct 30, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
That was it! And the hygenist dressed appropriately and, by all accounts, was very good at her job.
And the dentist was NOT attractive at all!
I googled. Melissa Nelson was the hygenist and Dr. James Knight is the dentist. She worked for him for 10 years! He is also 21 years older than her. He told her that if his pants were bulging, she would know that her outfit was too revealing.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Word (Dec '08) 2 min Homer 6,140
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 2 min Grey Ghostmoron 1,382,242
Four letter word game (Dec '11) 10 min RACE 1,495
Double Word Game (Dec '11) 13 min RACE 2,402
rafting 14 min sMALL 1
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 35 min Sublime1 101,917
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 43 min PEllen 8,372
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 3 hr Jacques Orleans 214,274
More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages