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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 22, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My wife of six years was recently arrested for wire fraud, involving the receipt of unemployment benefits. She was receiving money when she should not have been. I knew she had applied for benefits since she was laid off; however, I was not aware that she was falsifying documents in order to receive the benefits.

I feel hurt, betrayed and offended. I am a retired law enforcement officer and currently an independent fraud investigator. Our relationship had been on the rocks for some time prior to this humiliating event. How do I handle this mess?-- BETRAYED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BETRAYED: The first thing to do is realize that your wife's indiscretions are a reflection only on her character, not yours. Then let the law take its course, and once you have cooled off, decide rationally if you want to continue a marriage that has been "on the rocks for some time."

DEAR ABBY: Before my daughter turned 18, she followed the court's visitation specifics, as her brother does. Now that she's 18, she doesn't call or come over at all. She won't answer phone calls, so I text her. She'll respond with one-word answers -- "yes," "no," "maybe."

It doesn't bother me that she chooses to live this way. She's an adult. I sent her money for her birthday. She didn't acknowledge it. If I text invitations to her, I still don't hear from her.

She doesn't go to college, doesn't drive, doesn't have a job and lives off her enabling mother. According to her brother, she plays video games all night and sleeps all day.

After her birthday silence, should I continue sending her money for occasions? The lack of respect makes me think not, but my love for her says I should. Is there a lesson to be taught, or do I continue dropping a check in the mail twice a year? The money is insignificant. Learning respect, I believe, is important.-- DAD IN BATTLE CREEK, MICH.

DEAR DAD: It doesn't bother you that your daughter chooses to live this way? That she doesn't work, doesn't go to school, plays video games all night and sleeps all day? Is she on drugs? Suffering from severe depression?

Your daughter's behavior is not normal. You have described a young woman in serious need of counseling to bring her back to reality. If you love your daughter, forget the etiquette lesson and help her to get the psychological help she needs.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 17, I was checked into a psychiatric hospital for severe depression and a suicide attempt. While I was there I met "Jim," a boy who was there for the same reasons. To make a long story short, we kept in touch and now we're dating. We benefitted from the experience and are good for each other.

The catch is that he lives more than an hour away from me. We see each other frequently, but friends often ask how we met and we don't know how to answer the question. Generally, we say something vague about how we have known each other for a long time, but some people continue to press. Neither of us wants to advertise that we spent time in a psych ward. How can we gracefully sidestep the question?-- DODGING THE QUESTION IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR DODGING: It is difficult to sidestep a question that is asked so frequently in the course of conversation -- especially if a couple seems compatible. Because you would rather not be specific, just say you met in a teen counseling group a few years ago. It's the truth -- you were being counseled.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Feb 22, 2013
1 BS, you knew, hello, you probably taught her. I retired leo is awash with money, do you guy's really need that xtra coin so bad?

2 Sure lamy, blame the dad! Hey! how about you blame the enabling mother? She is sucking up the mans money (probably CS and alimony) She does not live with him, she is legally an adult, and they do not have any relationship to speak of, so could you kindly tell this man how HE is supposed to get his daughter the counseling she needs? You may as well tell him to accomplish the same thing from the next stranger he passes.

Dude, forget the man hater. Listen, If it makes you feel better to send a check, then send one, but always include a card saying how much you love and miss her. If you feel used, then dont, but still send a card.

3 Say you met online using Topix.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Feb 22, 2013
LW1: What Abby said.

LW2: I don't really have advice but, Abby, wtf?

"It doesn't bother you that your daughter chooses to live this way? That she doesn't work, doesn't go to school, plays video games all night and sleeps all day? Is she on drugs? Suffering from severe depression?
Your daughter's behavior is not normal."

Are you stupid? I bet most 18 year olds would LOVE to live like this, but don't have parents that would put up with it. No job. No school. No responsibilities. Hell, I'm over 40 and would love to live like that. But no one's gonna pay my bills, so I can't.

Lw3: Just make some shit up and get your story straight. Is that really so hard?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Feb 22, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 BS, you knew, hello, you probably taught her. I retired leo is awash with money, do you guy's really need that xtra coin so bad?
Wait, what? Why the f would he write an anonymous letter if he was complicit? That makes no sense.
Ferguson

Greenville, SC

#5 Feb 22, 2013
yup
uff dah

Greenville, SC

#6 Feb 22, 2013
yo chytown races 1 inch long chytown chytown

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Feb 22, 2013
L1: Your question is too vague.

L2: If it doesn't bother you, why are you writing to Abby?

L3: "Through mutual acquaintances." Technically not a lie, and it makes the details sound boring.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Feb 22, 2013
L1: Wow. THat's kind of like finding out your wife was a drug dealer and you're a retired DEA agent. If you want to give your marriage a shot -- counseling. If you want to cut your losses after six years, do so.

L2: Don't send her any money. Try this: Tell her that if she ever wants a free meal with you, you'll take her whereever she wants, any time. My exbf did this with his 16yo daughter. If she called at 10 p.m. and wanted to go to Perkin's, he'd take her there and they'd have a late supper together. If she wanted sushi on a SUnday afternoon, he did it. It was a brilliant way to stay connected to her during some rough teenage years (she was a cutter for a couple of years)-- when "visitation" really isn't that enforceable, and forcing your kid to do something won't really get you what you want -- a relationship with your kid.

Or try to get into gaming yourself and invite her over to game with you. I don't know. But if you want a *relationship* with your daughter, take the money out of the equation (she doesn't respect you when you send her money, trust me on that) and entice her in other ways, so you can spend time together, even if it's only once in a while.

L3: "Some people continue to press." YOu mean, friends who know you well enough that you never knew someone from his town or something. Come up with a pat response "we met at church" and change the subject.

P.S. Good for you for seeking help for your depression. Good luck to you.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Feb 22, 2013
I feel like I am nicer today than usual. :)

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Feb 22, 2013
I'm feeling lazy today: what Red said.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Feb 22, 2013
yay! I honestly was thinking, "I think my posts will be squishy approved today!" For real!

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#12 Feb 22, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: Don't send her any money. Try this: Tell her that if she ever wants a free meal with you, you'll take her whereever she wants, any time. My exbf did this with his 16yo daughter. If she called at 10 p.m. and wanted to go to Perkin's, he'd take her there and they'd have a late supper together. If she wanted sushi on a SUnday afternoon, he did it. It was a brilliant way to stay connected to her during some rough teenage years (she was a cutter for a couple of years)-- when "visitation" really isn't that enforceable, and forcing your kid to do something won't really get you what you want -- a relationship with your kid.
I think you've posted that before, but I can't emphasize enough how brilliant that is. For kids in any situation, really. My mom and I used to do lunch at least once a month when I was a teenager/early 20s. Wasn't expensive; we usually searched for coupons for places.

My dad and I didn't get along much, but had to share a meal at a restaurant after visiting my mom in the hospital once. I was freaking out because I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn't. Now I think nothing of it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#13 Feb 22, 2013
Trying to absolve himself. Probably has a hooker on the side too.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Wait, what? Why the f would he write an anonymous letter if he was complicit? That makes no sense.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#14 Feb 22, 2013
1- Sounds like you want out of this marriage and looking for justification. So you married a fraud. At least she didn't turn out to be a man.

2- Stop sending her money. Try to actually get together and do stuff with her.

3- Craaaazy loooove! Anyway, what's the big deal? I frequently tell people I met my gf in the psych ward. Usually good for a laugh.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Feb 22, 2013
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
I think you've posted that before, but I can't emphasize enough how brilliant that is. For kids in any situation, really. My mom and I used to do lunch at least once a month when I was a teenager/early 20s. Wasn't expensive; we usually searched for coupons for places.
My dad and I didn't get along much, but had to share a meal at a restaurant after visiting my mom in the hospital once. I was freaking out because I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn't. Now I think nothing of it.
I think it was brilliant, too. Meet your surly teenager more than halfwa, and maybe, just maybe, you can come out at the other end with a better relationship, certainly better than if you'd tried to force her to spend time with you in ways she didn't want to.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#16 Feb 22, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
yay! I honestly was thinking, "I think my posts will be squishy approved today!" For real!
Now do I get some cookies?
:D

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#17 Feb 22, 2013
LW1: We as outsiders can't possibly know all there is to the situation in a few paragraphs.

LW2: Maybe instead of talking to Amy you should talk to your ex and figure out how the two of you can best to help your daughter, not for your own needs, but for her needs. You are a father and when it comes to your children, it's not about you at all, it's ALL about them.

My children when they become adults could not give me the time of day, and it would hurt, but so long as they are happy and doing alright in life, I would be okay. That is unconditional love. Your daughter is not doing well. That is the primary concern. Not your lack of interaction with her.

This behavior of hers, didn't happen over night, either. This goes back to how she was raised. It's not going to be easy to fix and it's certainly not something Amy can do for you.

LW3: Just make something up and make sure you both tell the same story.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Feb 22, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I feel like I am nicer today than usual.:)
You not "not nice" at other tmes but you are nicer today.

It's a good thing. I think you'll balance Race and Edog a bit, perhaps. I don't know WHAT was in their Wheaties.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Feb 22, 2013
LW2 does not sound affectionate. He sounds like he pays very close attention to whether an agreement has been literally complied with. Almost a martinet. Can't you just hear him telling her to sit up straight and cover her tatts when she goes outside?
He also abdicated his parent role and is perpetuating the discord that lead to the divorce by labeling his ex as her enabling mother instead of taking any responsibility for the girl's upbringing.

I don't condone the girl's life choices but I wouldn't want to hang with LW either.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 Feb 22, 2013
L1: It was on the rocks before this mess? Get your butt to marriage counselling and if that doesn't work, part ways.

L2: I think Sub has it right -- talk to the mother. If she's useless, do whatever you need to do but don't give up (although I don't believe this LW is any kind of father since he doesn't care so I can't see him putting in the effort). It may or may not be the girl is trying to see if anyone cares enough to save her. She has to save herself, but you can certainly make it easier for her and let her know you care about her and will always be there for her.

L3: We met at a local discussion group years ago...

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