“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Oct 11, 2013
DEAR AMY: I’m getting married next year and my fiance has just disclosed to me that he has a tickling fetish. I’m very naive sexually and I have never heard of that so I looked it up online and found lots of sites dedicated to the tickling fetish. I love him a lot, and I want to know if this is normal or common.-- Not Laughing
DEAR NOT: I shared your letter with psychologist Jesse Bering, author of “Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us”(2013, Scientific American/Farrar Straus & Giroux), who answers below:
“It’s unclear if your fiance is a true “titillagniac”(someone whose primary means of sexual gratification is tickling), but since that’s extremely rare, more likely he simply has a light tickle kink. In fact, as you have already discovered online with the many fetish Web sites devoted explicitly to this practice, consensual tickling is usually quite harmless. The key word is consensual.
“As anyone who was ever brutalized by an older sibling’s incessant tickling can tell you, tickling done mercilessly against one’s will is unadulterated torture. In 1947, the psychiatrist Emil Gutheil described the case of a sadistic titillagniac, a married 39-year-old lawyer whose recurring fantasies involved tickling a woman to death — or at least until she’d convulse, foam at the mouth and lose consciousness. But that’s an extreme example, and there’s no reason to assume your fiance would ever force you to indulge in such viciousness.
“In any event, whether his carnal impulses are sadistic or innocuous, one thing to note is that his ticklish desires aren’t likely to ever go away. So if you’re really ‘not laughing’ at all about this, you should know going into the marriage that he’ll always crave a more understanding partner who trusts him enough not to be cruel, and who’d permit him, with limits, his ‘deviant’ desires.”
My own advice to you is more run-of-the-mill. Whether it is a sexual matter, financial issue or a basic value such as sharing household chores — you two are already doing the right thing, pre-marriage: He is telling you something important about himself and you are carefully considering the impact on you. Communicating honestly and thoughtfully about this and other matters will strengthen your relationship, possibly even more than sharing a benign sexual fetish would do.
DEAR AMY: I’m interested in your recent questions regarding contacting biological fathers.
This is my story: When I was a teen in the 1970s I fantasized about finding my biological father. I hoped that he would be wealthy and love me. When I was 18 my mother told me his name and home town. Miraculously I located him. He turned out to be unmarried and a marijuana farmer. Through him I discovered I had three other siblings, all from different women. All are now deceased.
Ten years after I met my biological father he was convicted of murder and remained in prison until his death in 2012.
Finding him was important because it cured my curiosity and I realized how lucky I was that my mom didn’t marry him. It helped me appreciate my adopted father immensely.
My current dilemma is that I have never told my own kids (who are teenagers) that their grandfather (who is now deceased) is my adopted father.
I have done this out of respect for my mother. She has always been reluctant to be open about my biological father. Now I’m not sure it matters. My real father is the dad who adopted and raised me. Does it matter that my biological father was someone else?-- Wondering
DEAR WONDERING: You have framed this perfectly. But I believe the reason to tell your children about your bio parentage is so they will know both the cracked humanity and the beautiful fullness of your story. And because it’s the truth.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Oct 11, 2013
3rd question

DEAR AMY:“Grateful for the Gift” wanted to return a hand-knit sweater a girlfriend had made for him 40 years ago. This guy’s query was all about him and all about his ex-girlfriend. I found myself wondering,“Hmm. I wonder what his wife thinks about this?”-- Reliable Reader

DEAR RELIABLE: Hmmm. Somehow,“Grateful’s” wife was acknowledged but otherwise never mentioned. Good catch.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Oct 11, 2013
1 Frigging Republicans..

2 Yeah tell your kids, they'll think its cool.

3 Who cares if he's married or not? The guy is a wingnut.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 11, 2013
1. That is a bullet I have dodged completely.

2. No. Don't tell on Granny . It is Granny's story to tell and clearly she has not wanted to do so.

Interesting that none of the "family health history" stuff was trotted out.

3. Enough already. Please.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#5 Oct 11, 2013
LW1 - Make him clarify. Does he want to tickle YOU? Think long and hard before you sign on for something that's a turn-off.

Or does he want you to tickle HIM?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#6 Oct 11, 2013
1- Too bad he's not into water sports.

2- "Thanks a lot, mom! I could have been raised by a marijuana farmer!" How cool would that be?!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Oct 11, 2013
LW1: It is not benign for everyone. I am so ticklish that sounds like a form of torture to me. There is no way I could marry someone who wanted to tickle me all the time. I don’t even like it when my wife does it very rarely.

LW2: Don’t tell. The guy who raised you won’t be able to compete. Your kids are going to wish their grandpa was a marijuana farmer. ;p

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#8 Oct 11, 2013
The term "marijuana farmer" sounds so official and professional. It's making me laugh.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Oct 11, 2013
LW1: I hate when they don't give the details we need!

You need to talk to *him* about what he wants; Amy's long-winded and titilating response will not help you much.

LW2: The only reason I continued reading after "This is my story:" is because I was bored on the train.

I think you should tell them the truth, especially if they ask about it. If they don't, then I'd probably wait until they were adults.

LW3: Can't we just ruin this rehash by washing it in hot water already?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Oct 11, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
The term "marijuana farmer" sounds so official and professional. It's making me laugh.
When in reality it was more likely he was one of those guys living in the woods, growing pot on federal land and hanging fish hooks at eye-level to keep people out.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#11 Oct 11, 2013
LW1 - Who cares if it is "normal" or common? This is who he is. Amy should have skipped all of the psych crap and just gone to the final paragraph. It is important that you both are talking about stuff, but you have to make educated decisions about what is and is not a deal breaker for you. Sexual compatibility is vital to most relationships, so ask him to tell/show you more about what this fetish means to him and go from there.

LW2 - Amy's intern gave the perfect answer. I hate family secrets that are really not the mountains that people make them into.

LW3 - Why do they bother to still print this stuff?

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Oct 11, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: It is not benign for everyone. I am so ticklish that sounds like a form of torture to me. There is no way I could marry someone who wanted to tickle me all the time. I don’t even like it when my wife does it very rarely.
LW2: Don’t tell. The guy who raised you won’t be able to compete. Your kids are going to wish their grandpa was a marijuana farmer. ;p
I'm with you on the tickling. SOunds like pure torture to me!!! I think VAdame is right though. Wonder if he prefers tickling or BEING tickled...

If anyone wanted to tickle me, it'd be a dealbreaker.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#13 Oct 11, 2013
LW1: You need to thoroughly discuss this with your fiance and find out exactly what he has in mind. You don't want to marry this guy and then get an annulment weeks later when you find out that the tickling is the tip of the iceberg.

LW2: My grandfather was adopted and it is part of our family history. For us grandchildren, this is not a big deal. Your bio-dad is deceased, so this will be folklore to them. I think they will find the story interesting, but they will not be emotionally attached to it as you and your mother are. I think you should tell them.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#14 Oct 11, 2013
I give the blue ribbon to Kuuipo and Sublime for
the best answers so far.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#15 Oct 11, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: You need to thoroughly discuss this with your fiance and find out exactly what he has in mind. You don't want to marry this guy and then get an annulment weeks later when you find out that the tickling is the tip of the iceberg.
Look up Dan Savage's Karmic Rule of Kink (KROK)- Dump the honest foot-fetishist, and you will end up marrying the dishonest necrophiliac!

I think Dan had a recent tickle-fetish letter but I can't find it at the moment.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#16 Oct 12, 2013
LW2 needs to respect her mother's privacy.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 8 min atypical 1,224,415
Song Title Game (Dec '11) 1 hr boundary painter 1,175
Double Word Game (Dec '11) 1 hr boundary painter 1,650
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 1 hr Jacques in Orleans 187,864
Last word + 2 (Mar '12) 1 hr boundary painter 876
Word (Dec '08) 1 hr boundary painter 5,212
Four letter word game (Dec '11) 1 hr boundary painter 1,382
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]