“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 28, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have been married to my husband for less than a year. Sadly, I feel he has misrepresented himself and this marriage is not at all what I had envisioned or signed up for.

We are both older, career-oriented, and this is a first marriage for both of us. Shortly after we tied the knot and the "shininess" wore off he began to be unhappy and can't seem to handle day-to-day obstacles and life together in general. This is odd to me as we lived together before we were married.

After marriage he began making hurtful comments threatening divorce (now on a weekly basis). Recently he said that our marriage was a mistake. However, the next day he was fine, and I'm supposed to forget what was said the day before -- until he finds something else that's wrong to complain about.

He will remain cold for days on end and nag me until I'm exhausted mentally.

When he is angry he says he is not sure he loves me or "is really in love with me." I ask him to apologize -- and he laughs in my face.

If he breaks me down with talk of divorce I will call him on it and ask him to see a lawyer. He has yet to meet with a lawyer; he only threatens, like some sick game.

Can you help explain what is going on? Is the marriage doomed in your eyes? I'm growing resentful.-- Sad

DEAR SAD: You're growing resentful? I'd say resentful has already left the station. Next stop: Rage.

Don't wait for him to wear you down and then act on his own behalf. Give him a choice: marriage counseling or a lawyer. Regardless of what he chooses, you should see a counselor and a lawyer. Your passivity makes you very vulnerable.

DEAR AMY: I love my sister dearly. She is very close to her kids. Her daughter, "Betsy," is in her 40s. She is my goddaughter. Betsy and her half-sister, "Carole," have been estranged since Betsy published a book which included some derogatory things about Carole.

Neither woman has had any role in my daughter's life, but my sister has. I owe my sister big time for many things (not monetary).

I verbally invited my goddaughter Betsy to my daughter's upcoming graduation party. I received an email that she would love to attend unless I invited Carole. I do not want any part of their feud.

I invited my sister, who told me she would attend, until I told her that I didn't want to be involved in her daughters' fight so I was not inviting either of them. She hung up on me.

Am I out of line here? Betsy and I have had problems before. The last time I invited her somewhere, she was upset with me and said, "I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house." What should I do?-- No Right Answer

DEAR NO RIGHT: I agree that you should not involve yourself in this feud -- but then you did involve yourself when you invited one sister and not the other and then uninvited the one you did invite (not that I blame you).

One way to avoid feud involvement is to invite all family members to family events. If people want to exclude themselves based on who else is coming, then more power to them.

Another way is to exclude people who are rude, crude drama queens. So far, these three will be staying away from your party, which means you might actually have a good time. Pat yourself on the back. You win.

DEAR AMY: I appreciated your compassionate and practical advice to the letter signed "Fed Up" written by a woman who wanted to give away two cats, but she mentioned putting an ad for them on Craigslist. No one should ever post an ad for an animal on Craigslist. A no-kill shelter is the best choice.-- Animal Lover

DEAR LOVER: Oh yes, I agree. I don't think the writer was actually going to do this, but more expressing her exasperation. I urged her to keep the cats and I hope she does.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 May 28, 2014
1- Lady, you need a clue. He's said the marriage was a mistake, he threatens divorce weekly. The fact he hasn't met with a lawyer shows he's just trying to control you. YOU need to meet with a lawyer and end this thing

2- Agree with Amy, invite both and let them figure it out

3- Screw you. People can put ads for whatever they want on Craig's list. It's how I found my Asian prostitute

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 May 28, 2014
1.(Looks around. Pigs are flying overhead.)Edog agreed with Amy. I agree with Amy. Echoing a recently used phrase, LW is Too Stupid To Live.(TSTL)

2. I may have missed it but the drama queens do not include Carole. She has chosen to estrange herself from a toxic sibling. I didn't see that she pulled the "if she's invited, I'm not coming". Betsy did. LW fanned the flames by buying into the mess. LW sister is drama queen mama.

Format for going forward: Invite all of them. Let them sort it out.

I am thinking fondly of the letter teh other day of the daughter who is estranged from her mother and how she conducts herself at family parties when both are present. A model of civility and decorum in a difficult situation..

3.There is a notion that animals put up for sale on Craig's List will be abused or abandoned. There is no way to track or verify that. A responsible seller takes precautions but it still happens.

I got one of my cats from a classified ad in The Reader which, in Chicago, was the print precursor to Craig's List. That was 1978 and the people I got teh cat from took information from me including my vet's name

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 May 28, 2014
1 I cant believe you did not see this coming when you lived together.
Whatever, just get a divorce and get on with your life.

2 That was a very convoluted way of asking who to invite, me thinks you are also hooked on the drama.

3 Meow!

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 May 28, 2014
1. Welcome to Splitsville. Population: you. Get some self respect and divorce the nut job.

2. You lost me at the beginning. Not your mess to manage.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#6 May 28, 2014
LW1 - Secure a divorce attorney. Work out the details, and next time he threatens with divorce or says the marriage is a mistake, serve him with the papers.

LW2 - I lost track of all the details in the drama about half-way through, but ITA with the rest of the posters: invite them both and let them sort it out.

LW3 - Post a flyer at your vet's.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 May 28, 2014
PEllen wrote:
That was 1978 and the people I got teh cat from took information from me including my vet's name
What was the point of that? I doubt they could just call up the vet and start asking questions about some random customer's pet.
pde

Bothell, WA

#8 May 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>What was the point of that? I doubt they could just call up the vet and start asking questions about some random customer's pet.
Vet references are pretty common in rescue organizations. Yes, they do call up the vet you provide and at least confirm you have been a customer of theirs/confirm your pets in the past have received their vaccinations/other basic health information.

Animal health records aren't protected by privacy laws the way that human health records are. And providing a vet as references is generally regarded as permission for that vet to release basic information to the person or organization who received that reference.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 May 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>What was the point of that? I doubt they could just call up the vet and start asking questions about some random customer's pet.
Sure they could.

We fostered a litter about 10 years ago. When we put them up for adoption we asked for a vet reference. At least one family used our vet; I asked teh women at teh front desk

I have volunteered to foster other litters through an animal shelter. They wanted vet references.

While I doubt a veterinarian would directly say, Don't give that guy an animal, if there is a problem, you find out. You might get, Oh we don't know that family very well, etc. At least in my general geographical area that holds true.

The fact that a person needs to give a reference has some predictive value that they aren't going to abuse the animal. That's about all you can do with a Craig's List adoption.

One of my former secretaries bred pedigreed pit bulls on the side. She had a written contract. She checked vet references and had the ability to re-take the dog if there was any indication of abuse or that it was being trained for fighting. As I recall she also checked teh purchasers criminal background.

I am not a PETA person by a long shot, but it is a living being and if you are changing ownership, I think that responsibility requires some verification that you aren't ending the animal to be a lab specimen

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 May 28, 2014
pde wrote:
Animal health records aren't protected by privacy laws the way that human health records are
I didn't think they were, but hell, you can't call up a hotel and get information about its guests, whether they are current or past guests. I just assumed that most businesses operated under the rule of thumb that client information is not to be shared. Sold is another story.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 May 28, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Sure they could.
We fostered a litter about 10 years ago. When we put them up for adoption we asked for a vet reference. At least one family used our vet; I asked teh women at teh front desk
I have volunteered to foster other litters through an animal shelter. They wanted vet references.
While I doubt a veterinarian would directly say, Don't give that guy an animal, if there is a problem, you find out. You might get, Oh we don't know that family very well, etc. At least in my general geographical area that holds true.
The fact that a person needs to give a reference has some predictive value that they aren't going to abuse the animal. That's about all you can do with a Craig's List adoption.
One of my former secretaries bred pedigreed pit bulls on the side. She had a written contract. She checked vet references and had the ability to re-take the dog if there was any indication of abuse or that it was being trained for fighting. As I recall she also checked teh purchasers criminal background.
I am not a PETA person by a long shot, but it is a living being and if you are changing ownership, I think that responsibility requires some verification that you aren't ending the animal to be a lab specimen
oh, this is quite different than how I interpreted your other post. So you're saying you give the vet name BEFORE you get the cat and they check you out first. I thought you gave them the name as you walked out the door with the cat and they were coming behind and checking up on the care the cat was receiving.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#12 May 28, 2014
LW1: Being single is way better than being abused. Get that attorney and DTMFA.

LW2: Let some time pass and then call your sister. You were right to not want to involve yourself with your niece's feud, but don't tell your sister that. Just say you love her and miss her.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#13 May 28, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- Lady, you need a clue. He's said the marriage was a mistake, he threatens divorce weekly. The fact he hasn't met with a lawyer shows he's just trying to control you. YOU need to meet with a lawyer and end this thing
Good Dog. Gooood Dog <approving pat on the head>

LW2: Jebus, Lady. You, your sister, and Betsy all sound like massive drama queens/beeyotches. I hope Carole tells you all to go eff yourselves.
pde

Bothell, WA

#14 May 28, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> I didn't think they were, but hell, you can't call up a hotel and get information about its guests, whether they are current or past guests. I just assumed that most businesses operated under the rule of thumb that client information is not to be shared. Sold is another story.
Yeah, but it's generally assumed when you give someone as a reference, you're saying that reference can tell the person who asked for the reference the relevant information.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 May 28, 2014
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, but it's generally assumed when you give someone as a reference, you're saying that reference can tell the person who asked for the reference the relevant information.
As I explained above, I misunderstood what she was saying. She did not call it a reference in her story. Just said she gave the name of her vet to the person she got her cat from. Now, I get it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#16 May 29, 2014
So you do all this goody good stuff, but you still think that it's ok to let a cat wander the neighborhood? How do you reconcile that?
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Sure they could.
We fostered a litter about 10 years ago. When we put them up for adoption we asked for a vet reference. At least one family used our vet; I asked teh women at teh front desk
I have volunteered to foster other litters through an animal shelter. They wanted vet references.
While I doubt a veterinarian would directly say, Don't give that guy an animal, if there is a problem, you find out. You might get, Oh we don't know that family very well, etc. At least in my general geographical area that holds true.
The fact that a person needs to give a reference has some predictive value that they aren't going to abuse the animal. That's about all you can do with a Craig's List adoption.
One of my former secretaries bred pedigreed pit bulls on the side. She had a written contract. She checked vet references and had the ability to re-take the dog if there was any indication of abuse or that it was being trained for fighting. As I recall she also checked teh purchasers criminal background.
I am not a PETA person by a long shot, but it is a living being and if you are changing ownership, I think that responsibility requires some verification that you aren't ending the animal to be a lab specimen

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