“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 14, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a woman in my 20s. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year.

My family is not particularly fond of my boyfriend because of his particular sense of humor, as well as things they think they have noticed that make it seem I am giving more in the relationship than he is (which, in my opinion, is not true).

He has recently accepted a job outside of the state (about six hours away) and has asked me to move with him after the lease on my apartment expires.

Practically everything I have (job, friends, family) is right here. If I choose to leave, I would have to create a new life for myself. While the change seems exciting, I am not entirely sure the move is a particularly smart one to make, because my boyfriend and I have not discussed future plans in depth (such as if we want to get married). We would both rather just take life day by day.

My boyfriend wants me to follow him, and my family will support me no matter what choice I make. Right now, my heart is saying, "Yes," and my head is saying, "Ummm ... I have no idea!" I don't want to stay here if my boyfriend is "the one." What would you do in this situation?-- Stay or Go?

DEAR STAY: When I was in your situation, I moved. But my head and heart were aligned, and the move was a great one.

So far, you dismiss your family's objections to this relationship, but then your actions prove that their reservations might be warranted. They are worried that you are giving more than he is? Here you are, doing exactly that.

He is choosing to move away. If he genuinely wants you to relocate, then he should make this move enticing by demonstrating that this could be a great move for you -- not by merely inviting you to follow him.

There are no guarantees in life. Taking great leaps into the unknown can yield wonderful adventures. But if your boyfriend is "the one," you will know it, regardless of whether you relocate to be with him. Stay put for now, and let him figure out how to make this change compelling.

DEAR AMY: My daughter is married to a wonderful man with a large and loving family. Lately our daughter has become distraught by the personal details of her in-laws' marriage that are being shared with her and the rest of the adult children. These details are about their "fights" or arguments, usually relating to how the mother-in-law feels she is ignored or mistreated by her husband.

The conversations are initiated by her husband's mother -- sometimes when other family members or her father-in-law is present. He usually ignores it or leaves the room.

The bottom line is that my daughter and her husband feel it is inappropriate. It puts them in the middle. The mother has accused them of taking sides with the dad when they refuse to comment or get involved. They have explained in a loving way that they feel very uncomfortable about this, but she cries.

They have asked me how to respond and lessen the drama. Can you help?-- Mom

DEAR MOM: If these two have communicated with clarity and the mother presses on with vigor, then the next thing they should try is to be tolerant.

It sounds as if this mother-in-law is being ignored (and possibly mistreated). In which case, the response should be, "I'm so sorry. What do you want to do?" Their instincts are right that they should not be placed in the middle of this marriage, but listening respectfully and expressing concern may help dial down the drama.

DEAR AMY: "Peeved Brother-in-Law" wrote to you about his wife's brother, who stood and talked when he came to their house, rather than sitting down during his visits.

You assumed he had not been invited to sit, but both my husband and son have, and they literally cannot sit and talk at the same time. They must stand and sometimes pace.-- Used to It

DEAR USED: Yours is a plausible explanation. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#2 May 14, 2014
1- If he's willing and able to support you until you find a job, and you don't have massive debt tying you down, I say go for it

2- I can't get aroused by this family drama letter

3- Maybe people don't want to sit on your pet hair infested furniture

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 May 14, 2014
1 Yeah amy, the Male is not doing enough. He should be Wooing her. BARF,BARF,BARF! If he was doing that, you would say he is trying to manipulate her.
How about you just give up on trying to second guess what evil intentions the Male has?

Oh, and I say go for it, Where you are from is just a piece of dirt. It will still be there if you want to go back.

2 MIL is suffering from empty nest syndrome. She is probably projecting all this onto the husband, and he simply shuts down. She needs to find other old bitty's to bemoan with, or maybe take up a hobby besides housewife/mother.

3 Ha! That would be fun to watch them talk while tied to a chair.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 May 14, 2014
1. I don't think Amy is male bashing but I agree with Race. Its jst a piece of dirt. It will be here if you decide to coem back. Physical distance from friends is different with FB and Skype.

That said, leave on real good terms with current boss, just in case.Chcek out the job market in new town. Presumably you could stay with BF ifa new job was offered before the lease ran out on your appointment

But, don't do it unless you are excited and enthusiastic and you aren't there yet..

2. My parents do this occasionally. I just tell them, Nope, I am not your audience, see you later, Bye, and I leave.

3.As a cat owner, I tend to think Dog may have it right, but there are some people who are so tightly wound they can't sit still

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 May 14, 2014
L1: I'd tell the BF that I would give it a three month trial -- see if I land a job, if it's the type of place for me, etc. That way if it doesn't work out, you've already discussed what would happen in that situation and perhaps would be less daunting for the LW.

L2: Unlike Amy, I'm not so sure if the MIL is being mistreated. She might be. She might not be. The drama is what no one wants. I'd tell her the next time (with a list ready), you don't seem to be able to resolve this and I'm not qualified. I can't help you but perhaps one of these marriage therapists can.

L3: Yes, they could be Type A personalities with ADD/ADHD and just swallowed three cups of coffee. You never know.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 May 14, 2014
LW1: It seems you have a little time to decide since he is moving away before you can get out of your lease. See how you feel with him gone and then decide.

LW2: When did ignored and mistreated become code words for drama queen?

Keep telling her that you will not be put in the middle and leave the room/house/phone call if you have to. You could also start looking for a marriage councelor for them/her, since I'm sure she never would.
blunt advice

Little Falls, NJ

#7 May 14, 2014
1. A lot of deciding factors: where you live now and where you would be moving to and what kind of environment and opportunities exist. Are you outgoing? If so you will have the opportunity for new activities in which you will make new friends. If not you will feel isolated quickly. Can you plan a budget on what kind of work you can do and what it will cost to live there?
2. Tell them they need counseling and you are not it.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#8 May 14, 2014
LW1: A co-worker of mine just moved to Denver, CO from Monterey, CA to be with his long-distance girlfriend. He is 27 and very up for the new adventure. He told me that he's never lived in a big city and is looking forward to it. She was telecommuting for her job and now he will be telecommuting for his, so he didn't have to leave his job, just arrange to do it remotely and travel occasionally. The difference between him and you is that he embraced the opportunity to experience a different place and you're not there yet. And you haven't worked out the employment issue. This is what I suggest for you: Check out this new location by spending a few weekends there, chatting up the locals and asking them what attractions and activities they enjoy. Notice if the people are generally friendly or generally stand-offish. Check out the job market in this new city. Move if and when you are able to embrace the opportunity to get out of your comfort zone and experience a new place to live. Six hours is quite a drive, but do-able whenever you get homesick. Waiting until you are truly ready to take on the adventure and not feel pressured or resentful will yield the best result, IMHO. And you can always move back, no shame.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 May 14, 2014
Hmmmm....I posted a response earlier, but its gone.

Lw1: Don't quit your job till you line up a new one.

Lw2: Amy's advice sucks. Don't humor this bitch. She's bitching right in front of husband. Tells me she's looking for drama and trying to suck everyone else in. Manipulative cnut.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 May 14, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Presumably you could stay with BF ifa new job was offered before the lease ran out on your appointment
Presumably? I don't think the game plan is for them to move to a new city together but live apart. I presume moving in together in the new city is the plan all along.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#11 May 14, 2014
LW2: I'm with Tonka on this. I think the LW's MIL sounds like a manipulative drama queen.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#12 May 15, 2014
Glance into the future:

LW1:
(a) went to be with him if she she could ine employment for herself in his city.
(b) visited him on her days off to see if they were still going in the same direction.
(c) stayed if no job for her surfaced at the new location
or
(d) other

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