“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 29, 2014
DEAR AMY: My sister-in-law informed me a few weeks ago that our family of three won't be invited for Thanksgiving this year. The non-invitation is for an event that is still months away.

The reason is because she's having 10 people, including her sons' families,(three each) and her husband's two grown single kids. Her brother (my husband) is left off the list, but she made a point of informing me of this, not him.

He's upset and wants to talk to her. I don't like to ask for an invitation. Last year she implored us to join them for Thanksgiving because it was just her and her husband, and she felt self-conscious about being alone.

My teenage daughter would love to see her cousins, who have babies.

I feel bad for her. She has a very close relationship with this particular aunt and explaining not being invited is tricky and, in the end, hurtful. Our home is much smaller than theirs, and we've entertained more than twice that number at one time. We would stay in a hotel and, of course, help and bring whatever.

What would you do in this situation?-- No Turkey off the Turnpike

DEAR NO TURKEY: Here I was, packing my beach bag for the July 4th holiday, and I'm hit with a Thanksgiving question? But I realize that for some families, it's never too early to get started when it comes to having holiday problems.

Your husband should speak to his sister. She is his sister, he is upset, and so he should speak to her. She obviously put the word out months in advance for a reason: She either really doesn't want your family of three to be with them, or she is setting herself up to be talked out of it.

The way you frame this, her choice is very silly.

Don't approach your teenage daughter with an elaborate or dramatic explanation about this. I think you should wait until at least October to discuss it with her at all.

When you do, simply say her aunt has made a choice, and you're not sure why, but it is what it is and you'll have to make an alternate plan this year.

DEAR AMY: I tell my daughters every day that they are smart, beautiful, talented and loved. Recently, a "friend" in my daughter's third-grade class has been telling my daughter that she is stupid, ugly and useless.

I talked to the girl's mother, and she apologized and said that she would talk to the girl, and the behavior has gotten better.

I've also encouraged my daughter to spend time with people who would actually value her friendship, and she seems to be listening. The problem is that now when I tell my daughter how wonderful she is, she shrugs and says, "You have to say that, you're my dad. It's not true." This breaks my heart, and I don't know what else to do to fix the damage. Thanks for your advice.-- Concerned Dad

DEAR DAD: First of all, props for being an involved dad. Your closeness with your daughters will resonate for the rest of their lives.

I think you should play a game: Ask your daughter to use five words to describe herself. Then ask her to use five words to describe you.

Then you do the same. Choose five words to describe her and back up your descriptions with examples: "I say 'smart' because you get good grades and you always remember where I parked the car, even when I forget. I say 'kind' because you are thoughtful and a very nice daughter, sister and friend. Plus, you always remember to feed the cat."

She got knocked down, but she knows you're in her corner. She needs some time and TLC to recover.

DEAR AMY: I was very disappointed to read the letter from "Sleepless and Sad," who has a relative who calls her son (playfully) "Stupid."

I have to say, I would never stand by while someone demeaned my child that way. I don't care what the intent. It is not acceptable.-- Proud Dad

DEAR DAD: I completely agree.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jun 29, 2014
1- So have Thanksgiving elsewhere, Jeebus

2- Stop telling your daughters they are smart, beautiful, talented, and loved everyday. It loses all meaning and makes you sound like a dam pansy. A classmate told your precious she wasn't all that? Call the wahpolice. Get over yourself and your daughters, dude

3- You go, dad! But your son is a stupid idiot

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jun 29, 2014
1.Your SIL is giving you the courtesy of a lot of time to make alternative arrangements. That;s why she said something in June,not October.

These cousins with babies? Do they live in town? Any reason you and your daughter can't visit them during the rest of the year?

Do they live out of town? Are they just visiting for Thursday dunner? Can you see them Friday?

Although my personal approach is that you can always find a card table and another couple chairs, your SIL thinks she has reached capacity. Plans change. A bunch of her guests will bail on her for one reason or another. The key point will be when she calls you November 20 and invites you because she is awkwardly alone.

2 and 3. The world is harsh and hard. Resilience is easiet to learn when you are a kid, but so is a sense of entitlement and teh notion that the world revolves around you.

It also helps a great deal if your sense of self worth comes from you internally and is not based on what other peiple think of you, be it the school dork or your daddy. If you are a good parent , help her accomplish things on her own. She'll klearn for herself. It sticks better that way.

And check back and tell me your little darling never called a schoolmate stupid or dumb or klutzy or fat or something similar. Right.

Yes, help her/him lick her wounds but do not swaddle them

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Jun 29, 2014
LW1 - Your husband has a lot of gall. And so does you daughter. And you. Your SIL is hosting 10 people for TG. It can't be an easy job, and you begrudge her that she doesn't want to host 13? Cook your own TG dinner. Your SIL gave you a lot of heads-up to make arrangements for the holidays.

LW2 - You should talk to your 3rd grader about bullying, about "sticks and stones," and - I would strongly suggest - about the fact that not everybody is going to love them all their lives. Hearing *every day* that they are smart and beautiful does not particularly do kids much good. They either grow up a bit conceited and unrealistic about their abilities, or they get suspicious about the truth of the words because they are said way too often.

Salinas, CA

#5 Jun 29, 2014
LW1: Teams PEllen and Cass. Your SIL gave you months to make other plans. You should tell her, "Thanks for letting us know, and come visit us some time soon."

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