Amy 3-9

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Mar 9, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am the younger of two daughters. My sister is three years older, and we are very close. She is away at college. You'd think that since she is away from home, I would get more of my parents' focus. But that has not happened.

It's not as if they neglect me, but I don't feel my needs, wishes and dreams are on the family agenda.

My 16th birthday is in roughly seven months. I want it to be special. I've always dreamed of having a day of just celebrating me.

I remember back to when it was my sister's 16th birthday, they talked about it for months ahead of time, with plans, a surprise party and a special visit from family members. But my birthday is rapidly approaching and not a word has been spoken about plans for my day.

Should I tell my parents how I feel or just assume they're working on something -- or should I let it go?-- The Forgotten Birthday Girl

DEAR FORGOTTEN: Your situation reminds me of the movie "Sixteen Candles." If you've never seen it, you should.

Your folks may have started planning something. If you have special things you want to do on that day, definitely tell them. You should also offer to help.

Talk to your sister about this. She can rattle your parents' cage a little bit.

Parents get tired. They also get a little lazy when they have only one well-behaved teenager still at home. You may have to work a little harder to get their attention -- but you deserve to have it, not only on your birthday but every day.

DEAR AMY: I am terribly hurt. Due to my husband's health problems, I have had to do everything around our house for the last couple of months, and this will continue for another couple of months.

My husband's friends have said that if he needs something to just let them know.

Their wives are also my friends, but not one has asked if there is something she could do for me -- like fix a meal, go to the store or help with the house.

If I had help, I could have dedicated more time to my husband's care. I cannot understand why they haven't offered.

I would like to suggest to others who have friends in our situation to not just ask, but insist. I'd be so grateful if one of them said: "I'm coming over at 10 o'clock to vacuum for you. Would that be OK?"

I know I would be there for a friend in need.-- Hurting in Colorado

DEAR HURTING: Many people don't know how to jump in and lend a hand. Because of this, sometimes you have to be brave enough to ask. Wouldn't you, if someone reached out to say, "Hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Would you be willing to help me out this week with ..."?

I'd like to recommend caringbridge.org as a way for you (and others with illness in the family) to ask for and organize help from people in your circle. This smart concept makes it easier to reach out and offer to help -- and to ask for it. You will also be inspired by the suggestions for caregivers who, like you, are in it for the long haul.

DEAR AMY: I disagree with you and "New Bride," who included the names of some charities on her wedding gift registry.

My first reaction wouldn't be, "How sweet." It would be, "Thanks, but I'm perfectly capable of deciding which charities, if any, I want to financially support."

I have the same attitude when it comes to shameless supermarkets that try to extract donations to their personal causes by embarrassing customers at each trip to the checkout counter.-- Think Again!

DEAR AGAIN!: You might have a similar reaction to a gift registry, thinking, "Thanks, but I'm perfectly capable of choosing what china pattern, if any, I want to purchase."

The idea is that these are suggestions for what the couple -- not you -- want to receive. Of course you can always simply decline to follow the suggestion (or pass by the donation bucket at the supermarket).

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#3
Mar 9, 2013
 

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L1: "They also get a little lazy when they have only one well-behaved teenager still at home. You may have to work a little harder to get their attention..."

Careful, Amy. It almost sounds like you're telling the LW to start smoking pot behind the garage or something.

I do like the suggestion of talking to her sister though. If they're really that close, she can help even if it's just to be there for the LW and listen.

L2: Ask your husband to reply to his friends "Yes, thanks for offering. If you could spare an hour on Saturday to help us clean the house/cook a meal/run an errand, that would be great." If they're asking HIM, encourage HIM to answer honestly.

L3: Eh, I don't know... I think comparing charities to china patterns is apples & oranges. Charities can be quite personal and if the wedding guest is a hunter who's being asked to donate to PETA, that's not gonna fly. But no one's decorative choices have ever harmed anyone else, so it's a much lighter issue.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#4
Mar 9, 2013
 

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1: I got nothin'.

2: Sorry, I'm from the "don't ask people to clean your house for you" camp. I also don't get the thing where people are hurt or get their nose pushed out of joint because people don't offer to help them. My problems are not the world's (or even my friends') problems. Where do I get off expecting that they will offer to vacuum my house? Where do I get off even more asking them to do it?

3: Team JMW

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

United States

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#5
Mar 9, 2013
 
1- You're watching too many "My Super Sweet 16." Life doesn't revolve around you, sweetheart. Get used to now rather than be disappointed later.

2- Try asking.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

United States

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#6
Mar 9, 2013
 
Hey wrote:
Hello outther.
Hello inther.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

United States

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#7
Mar 9, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
2: Sorry, I'm from the "don't ask people to clean your house for you" camp. I also don't get the thing where people are hurt or get their nose pushed out of joint because people don't offer to help them. My problems are not the world's (or even my friends') problems. Where do I get off expecting that they will offer to vacuum my house? Where do I get off even more asking them to do it?
There's nothing wrong with asking for help if you're feeling overwhelmed.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#8
Mar 9, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
There's nothing wrong with asking for help if you're feeling overwhelmed.
I get that. I just take care of my stuff without imposing on other people as much as possible. Case in point, in 2005 my car was stolen. I lived without a car for a little while because I didn't want to rent one. While I was waiting for the insurance, I took the bus/train everywhere, even grocery shopping, because it was my problem. No one else needed to disrupt their lives to drive me places. Not their problem. Just how I roll.

Since: Jan 10

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#9
Mar 9, 2013
 

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L1: have you ever considered the fact that they're planning a SURPRISE party for you?

"Parents ... get a little lazy when they have only one well-behaved teenager still at home. " What? What a lame generalization.

"I donít feel my needs, wishes and dreams are on the family agenda." Of couse they aren't. They should be on YOUR agenda. Stop waiting for the world to deliver what you want and learn to go after it yourself.

L2: I can't BELIEVE how ridiculous you are. You've been offered help but haven't taken people up on their offers? You haven't asked them to help after they've offered? What the hell is wrnog with you? Shame on your sexist attitudes that it's all on the women to help you out.

L3: I think wedding couples are going to get complaints no matter what they do, no matter who they're trying to accommodate.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#10
Mar 9, 2013
 

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L1: You're birthday is not for 7 months. Think about that. 7 months. If you were dating a guy for 7 months you would think it was eternity. If you had 7 months left of school, you would be saying "Ugh, 7 more months of school this year!" Since it's something YOU want you're all focused on it. Talk to your sister and chill. Learn that if you want a great birthday party, be involved in the planning. Accept what people are willing to do for you with grace. You and your sister are not in a contest. You get what you get and don't throw a fit. Haven't you learned that.(end rant):)

L2: I'm like Mimi, but then again, like her I would not complain about it. This LW wants the help. Well then ask! There is nothing wrong with asking when you're overwhelmed. I just don't do it (except at work and those lazy a$$es don't help -- their "help" is more work).(And I have no authority over their butts b/c if I did...)

L3: I'm with jamwow on this, too. Charities are a little different. If I had to deal with it on a registry, though, I would ignore it (unless if was one of my fav charities).

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#11
Mar 9, 2013
 

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1 Yeah, its tough when your parents love your sibling more than you.

2 Use your flipping words dummy, people are not mind readers.

3 wedding crap, not caring.

Since: Jan 10

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#12
Mar 9, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
L1: You're birthday is not for 7 months. Think about that. 7 months. If you were dating a guy for 7 months you would think it was eternity. If you had 7 months left of school, you would be saying "Ugh, 7 more months of school this year!" Since it's something YOU want you're all focused on it.
Perfect analysis.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#13
Mar 9, 2013
 

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j_m_w wrote:
L3: Eh, I don't know... I think comparing charities to china patterns is apples & oranges. Charities can be quite personal and if the wedding guest is a hunter who's being asked to donate to PETA, that's not gonna fly. But no one's decorative choices have ever harmed anyone else, so it's a much lighter issue.
But either way, the gift giver is under no obligation to donate to the charity or buy the china set from the registry. So I don't really see how it makes difference. Dont like the charity? Give them a set of towels. To do otherwise is to dig for a reason to be offended.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Mar 9, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I get that. I just take care of my stuff without imposing on other people as much as possible. Case in point, in 2005 my car was stolen. I lived without a car for a little while because I didn't want to rent one. While I was waiting for the insurance, I took the bus/train everywhere, even grocery shopping, because it was my problem. No one else needed to disrupt their lives to drive me places. Not their problem. Just how I roll.
I would have asked people to take me shopping when they were going shopping. So, yeah, they might drive a little out of the way to get me, but it wouldn't be an outing in which the only purpose to them was doing me a favor.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Mar 9, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: have you ever considered the fact that they're planning a SURPRISE party for you?
That's what I was thinking. If the pary for the sister was surprise, what makes her thik she'd know about a surprise party for her. And holy shit. Her birthday is 7 months away. How long do they think it takes to plan a party?
What

Houston, TX

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#16
Mar 9, 2013
 
What?

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#17
Mar 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I would have asked people to take me shopping when they were going shopping. So, yeah, they might drive a little out of the way to get me, but it wouldn't be an outing in which the only purpose to them was doing me a favor.
I can see doing that, but it's just not me to ask favors, even when they are not overly inconvenient to someone. It creates and obligation for a return favor, sometime in the future, just hanging over my head.
Really

Switzerland

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#18
Mar 9, 2013
 
Is this real?

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#19
Mar 9, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I can see doing that, but it's just not me to ask favors, even when they are not overly inconvenient to someone. It creates and obligation for a return favor, sometime in the future, just hanging over my head.
The way I look at it is, would I feel put out by doing the favor I am about to ask? If it is something I would do with no hesitation, then I have no problem asking.

Since: Jan 10

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#20
Mar 9, 2013
 
Plus, they threw a surprise party once. They probably can do it in less time the second time around. Maybe LW should tell her sister that she hopes heir aprents are throwing her a big party,.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#21
Mar 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>The way I look at it is, would I feel put out by doing the favor I am about to ask? If it is something I would do with no hesitation, then I have no problem asking.
Probably has something to do with the fact that I generally don't like people and prefer to just do whatever I need to do alone. Don't want to go to a movie, don't want to "do lunch." Don't need to hang out and make small talk/whatever while someone is doing me a favor, likewise me doing them a favor. Plus there's the whole future favor just hanging over my head thing. <shrug>

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