“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#21 Apr 16, 2013
No, they get to sit at home in their underwear, drink beer, not shave and eat any damn thing they want without being nagged by their wives.

Poor guys!
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not fair to the other husbands. They don't get to go on vacation now either?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#22 Apr 16, 2013
Squishy n Red are f'd in the head. This ain't no weekend drive thru wine country. This is Italy. You think I'm gonna be on board with the idea of excluding *ME* so as to not exclude the sister? Hell no. Great idea. We don't want the abuser along, so lets exclude our husbands.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#23 Apr 16, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not fair to the other husbands. They don't get to go on vacation now either? These sisters need to stow it. This dude is her husband whether they like it or not and it's not fair to exclude one or the other or both because they have a stick in their craw about him.
Boo hoo for the husbands. They can plan their own trip for the time their wives are away if they want a vacation so badly.

The sisters should not exclude the one with the a-hole husband. They're all pretty much in agreement that the a-hole won't come, so I think they should just go without the husbands. Problem solved.

BTW, my mother is the eldest of 4 girls and they meet at least once a year *without* their spouses. No big deal.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#24 Apr 16, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Squishy n Red are f'd in the head. This ain't no weekend drive thru wine country. This is Italy. You think I'm gonna be on board with the idea of excluding *ME* so as to not exclude the sister? Hell no. Great idea. We don't want the abuser along, so lets exclude our husbands.
Then just you and your wife should plan a trip to Italy.

But these sisters don't get to plan the "trip of a lifetime" and then leave one sister out.

Unless of course they don't care if that sister resents them until she dies.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

United States

#25 Apr 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Boo hoo for the husbands. They can plan their own trip for the time their wives are away if they want a vacation so badly.
The sisters should not exclude the one with the a-hole husband. They're all pretty much in agreement that the a-hole won't come, so I think they should just go without the husbands. Problem solved.
BTW, my mother is the eldest of 4 girls and they meet at least once a year *without* their spouses. No big deal.
Where is that coming from? The letter is clear that the husbands were in on planning the vacation. They wanted it too. It's not like they were being dragged along against their wills. So why should they get booted from a trip they were involved in planning, why should they be deprived of a trip they wanted to go on with their spouses, because of one a-hole? The fourth sister can still come, she just can't bring the abusive prick. If she feels compelled to not go without him or if that doesn't otherwise work, why do three other husbands who want to go (and who apparently are wanted by their wives since, again, they are all planning it together) have to lose out on the trip?

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#26 Apr 16, 2013
LW2 - either do just girls or all husbands... i dont think you can do all but the jackass if you ever want to talk to that sister again.

LW3 - since we're getting close to mothers day, clip this year's article about what a mom "earns"... IIRC, last year, the stuff a SAHM does is worth about $117K if it were hired out.

also, i work with someone who is workign to pay child care, and her kids are 4 and in kindergarten. They have a babysitter at home, and the kids are a little older. i don't know what teh going rate is for day care or for in-home babysitting is around here, but i have heard that it is almost not worth it *financially* for a mohter to work when there are 2(+) kids in day care. if it's break even & the mom "needs" the social, or even professional, interaction, then good for them...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#27 Apr 16, 2013
Again, this is a trip to ITALY! They're not spending a day shopping at the mall. ITALY! Sorry, but they don't get to exclude their sister's husband. Like he's gonna allow his wife to go to Italy without him? Like she's gonna WANT to go to the country of love without her husband while everybody else is with theirs? Like she's gonna be totally fine with all her sisters and their husbands going off to Italy without them?

There's simply no way around this. The hubby goes or they can all stay home.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#28 Apr 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Then just you and your wife should plan a trip to Italy.
But these sisters don't get to plan the "trip of a lifetime" and then leave one sister out.
Unless of course they don't care if that sister resents them until she dies.
ITA. So suck it up and invite the husband, or just go as sisters, if you want to keep the peace in the family.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#29 Apr 16, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
<quoted text>
Where is that coming from? The letter is clear that the husbands were in on planning the vacation. They wanted it too. It's not like they were being dragged along against their wills. So why should they get booted from a trip they were involved in planning, why should they be deprived of a trip they wanted to go on with their spouses, because of one a-hole? The fourth sister can still come, she just can't bring the abusive prick. If she feels compelled to not go without him or if that doesn't otherwise work, why do three other husbands who want to go (and who apparently are wanted by their wives since, again, they are all planning it together) have to lose out on the trip?
It's only my opinion.

The LW wants to do this trip without upsetting the left-out sister (who's appearantly been left of out other things because of her spouse). If they plan the trip without telling her and she hears about, she'll be resentful forever. If they plan the trip and invite her but tell her she can't bring spouse, she'll be resentful forever.

So it seems to me they have two choices if they want to continue to have any type of decent relationship with this sister: they can include sister+spouse and just deal with his a-holeness or the sisters can go on their own.
animaniactoo

New York, NY

#30 Apr 16, 2013
LW1: "He says I am "rude" for not letting him celebrate my birthday. Other than this issue, he's a great guy. Advice, Abby?"

Plan #1: Tell him he can celebrate your birthday all he wants. As long as you don't have to be part of it.

Plan #2: If that doesn't work, put yourself in charge of celebrating his birthday this year. Then do nothing for it. Tell him that it's a trade-off. If he gets to celebrate your birthday the way he wants and you have to go along with it, you get to celebrate his birthday the way you want and he has to go along with it.

LW2: "How do we plan this trip while excluding our sister and her husband without hurting her feelings or causing a big family blowup? Should we just not mention it?"

You can't. Now try choices available in the land of reality.

LW3: "I worked until 2010, and then quit to be a stay-at-home mom to our two small children."

Yeah? And did you do this with the agreement of your husband? Or did you decide on your own? Maybe he feels degraded that you could make such a choice, one that affects both of you, on your own without consulting him and doesn't actually value your choice the way you do.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#31 Apr 16, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
LW2 - either do just girls or all husbands... i dont think you can do all but the jackass if you ever want to talk to that sister again.
LW3 - since we're getting close to mothers day, clip this year's article about what a mom "earns"... IIRC, last year, the stuff a SAHM does is worth about $117K if it were hired out.
also, i work with someone who is workign to pay child care, and her kids are 4 and in kindergarten. They have a babysitter at home, and the kids are a little older. i don't know what teh going rate is for day care or for in-home babysitting is around here, but i have heard that it is almost not worth it *financially* for a mohter to work when there are 2(+) kids in day care. if it's break even & the mom "needs" the social, or even professional, interaction, then good for them...
But what about those of us out there that do almost everything a SAHM does PLUS goes to work every day? Many of us work AND manage to do the chores, errands, cooking, homework, extra curricular activites, etc.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#32 Apr 16, 2013
LW2: I think they kind of have to invite the sister and the jerk. But they need to tell them up front what activities they are planning to do whether the jerk wants to participate or not. They shouldn't adjust their itinerary for him. And if he's being a jerk while they are there, they just need to go do stuff without him. This is all for the sake of teh relationship with the sister. And, no, it's not fair for the other husbands to msis out on the trip because one guy is a jerk. If jerk-o comes on the trip, they need to heed him as little as possible.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#33 Apr 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Then just you and your wife should plan a trip to Italy.
But these sisters don't get to plan the "trip of a lifetime" and then leave one sister out.
Unless of course they don't care if that sister resents them until she dies.
wtf? When i plan "the trip of a lifetime", my traveling companion is my WIFE. Any other relatives that might accompany us are "nice to haves".

I don't know what kinda dough you're rolling around in, but some of us can't afford multiple trips to Europe just to spare someone some hurt feelings.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#34 Apr 16, 2013
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
But what about those of us out there that do almost everything a SAHM does PLUS goes to work every day? Many of us work AND manage to do the chores, errands, cooking, homework, extra curricular activites, etc.
you're worth the world! i'm startign to wonder if the LW & husband had a his & hers kind of accounting system before she stayed home, so she had more disposible income to "play" with, but now that shes not "earning", it's an issue to him...
And if i misread your comment, i apologize & please clarify for me... I'm up to my ears in editing/reviewing documents iwth numbers, so i may be confused...

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#35 Apr 16, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>wtf? When i plan "the trip of a lifetime", my traveling companion is my WIFE. Any other relatives that might accompany us are "nice to haves".
I don't know what kinda dough you're rolling around in, but some of us can't afford multiple trips to Europe just to spare someone some hurt feelings.
I am close frinds with a group of women from grad school. One has made life choices that has left her, ah, impoverished. When tehr est of us plan something that is pricier, we invite A and pick up the tab for teh sake of her frindship and company.
It is different in families but not that much. My brother has taken our sister on a family cruise at his expense at a point when she couldn't have afforded it otherwise.

As to the LW- perhaps teh sisters could offer to fund sisters ticket/ hotel etc and let her tell her husband . If she won't go without him, then it is on her.
animaniactoo

New York, NY

#36 Apr 16, 2013
Alternatively, these 3 sisters and their husbands decide they don't care about the hurt feelings - or at least not enough to limit themselves - and go ahead and deal with the fallout and have their awesome trip together.

They just need to choose which is most important to them, and what they're willing to live with. Needing to limit themselves, or having to deal with the fallout. Because they don't get to avoid only one, it's strictly an either/or kind of choice, and that's what they need to accept so that they can move on to making choices that exist in the land of reality.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#37 Apr 16, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
I don't know what kinda dough you're rolling around in, but some of us can't afford multiple trips to Europe just to spare someone some hurt feelings.
But hurt feelings were the very issue the LW wrote to Abby about!

"How do we plan this trip while excluding our sister and her husband without hurting her feelings or causing a big family blowup?"

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#38 Apr 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
But hurt feelings were the very issue the LW wrote to Abby about!
"How do we plan this trip while excluding our sister and her husband without hurting her feelings or causing a big family blowup?"
One of the most common question asked of advice columnists. "This will really hurt Person A. HOw can we do what we want and not have Person A be hurt?" You can't. THat's life. Chocolate? Vanille? CHOOSE.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#39 Apr 16, 2013
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
you're worth the world! i'm startign to wonder if the LW & husband had a his & hers kind of accounting system before she stayed home, so she had more disposible income to "play" with, but now that shes not "earning", it's an issue to him...
And if i misread your comment, i apologize & please clarify for me... I'm up to my ears in editing/reviewing documents iwth numbers, so i may be confused...
Thanks for acknowledging that!!!!
It does irk me a little when I hear about SAHMs' "pay value" being 100k+ a year. I dont' argue that it is a HARD job and VERY important, but most of us get everything done that a SAHM does AND work 40-50 hours a week. I would LOVE to have the leisure of 9 or 10 extra hours a day to go to the grocery, straighten up the house, do laundry, etc. I don't believe that's 100k+ a year job (if it were to be paid) and I NEVER hear what a working mom would be worth. That being said, I think you might be onto something about the LW.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#40 Apr 16, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text> I am close frinds with a group of women from grad school. One has made life choices that has left her, ah, impoverished. When tehr est of us plan something that is pricier, we invite A and pick up the tab for teh sake of her frindship and company.
It is different in families but not that much. My brother has taken our sister on a family cruise at his expense at a point when she couldn't have afforded it otherwise.
As to the LW- perhaps teh sisters could offer to fund sisters ticket/ hotel etc and let her tell her husband . If she won't go without him, then it is on her.
whether or not the sister can afford it is not the issue. The issue is whether or not you exclude your OWN spouse just so you don't have to deal with hers. Is your sister more important than your spouse?

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