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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 16, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I was raised that a person's birthday is his or her day to do whatever he or she wants, but my wishes are being ignored by a close friend I'll call Wade.

For the last 10 years I have ignored my birthday and tried to avoid all celebrations. I'll take a vacation alone and have a great time. My family understands how I feel and gives me no grief.

I met Wade five years ago. He's a co-worker who has become a good friend. Wade has made it his goal in life to make me celebrate my birthday. I have tried being nice about the presents and even a surprise birthday party one year, but I really prefer to be left alone. I never told him my birth date. He had access to HR records and found out on his own.

He says I am "rude" for not letting him celebrate my birthday. Other than this issue, he's a great guy. Advice, Abby?-- NON-OBSERVANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR NON-OBSERVANT: Wade may be a "great guy," but he appears to be insensitive when it comes to respecting the feelings of others. Before your next birthday, "remind" him that you prefer not to celebrate or acknowledge it. A good friend should listen and respect the other person's wishes instead of trying to impose his or her will, and don't be shy about saying so.

DEAR ABBY: I am one of four sisters. Two of my sisters, their husbands and I want to plan a trip to Italy. We do not want to include our fourth sister and her husband. None of us like him or can forgive how he abused her in the past. For her sake, we tolerate him at family gatherings and holidays, but none of us want to be with him for an extended period. We also don't think his health would allow him to do a lot of the things we want to do on this vacation.

How do we plan this trip while excluding our sister and her husband without hurting her feelings or causing a big family blowup? Should we just not mention it? Or should we tell her she's invited but not her husband? Please advise.-- SIS IN A PICKLE

DEAR SIS: Secrets like this have a way of getting out. It might be a slip of the tongue by one of your sisters or their husbands, or some other relative who knows about the trip.

Surely your sister knows how you all feel about her husband, so it won't be a shock if you tell her she is invited but he is not. Under the circumstances I doubt if she will join you, and there will probably be hurt feelings. But sneaking this past her would be like trying to smuggle dawn past a rooster, and I don't think it would be long before she finds out anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for nine years. I worked until 2010, and then quit to be a stay-at-home mom to our two small children.

Because I no longer work, I watch what I spend, but my husband never lets me forget that he is the wage earner. When I want to spend money he always says, "What's in it for me?" or, "What do I get?" I feel like this degrades me. Why does he do this to me?-- STAY-AT-HOME MOM IN GEORGIA

DEAR STAY-AT-HOME MOM: Your husband may say it because he feels stressed or resentful that he is the sole wage earner now. The first time it happened you should have responded that "what's in it for him" is that his children have a full-time mother, which the majority of children today don't have, and "what he gets" out of it are offspring who have a mother rather than a caregiver raising them.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Apr 16, 2013
1 BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES!
Tell him to knock it off or you will knock his block off!

2 Yeah, nobody will post a vaca pic on facebook? Lots of luck with that. Just invite them, but make sure you plan to do sheit that the mean dude cant handle.

3 Tell him that if he wants to start paying for sex you are good with that.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Apr 16, 2013
L1: Talk with Wade FIRMLY about this. Stop being a pussy.

L2: How about the four sisters go on a vacation together with no husbands? I sure don't like that you're singling out the sister and punishing her for having married an abuser.

L3: TALK with your husband. FInd a quiet time, no kids, sit down and tell him how this makes you feel. If he continues, marriage counseling. OR start making jokes at the expense of his manhood, because he sounds like a freakin' tool about this.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#4 Apr 16, 2013
LW1 - Abby doesn't seem to realize that Wade doesn't respond to words. "Reminding" him isn't going to work. Before your next birthday, plan a long weekend out of town. Leave 2 days before your birthday and return 2 days afterward. Do not tell Wade your plans. Just go. If he has planned some stupid suprise party for you, then tough. He will have to suck it up and be embarrassed. It won't happen again and maybe you won't have to deal with clueless Wade again.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Apr 16, 2013
But wade has access th HR information. He will be aware of her PTO request and plan accordingly.
Shari23 wrote:
LW1 - Abby doesn't seem to realize that Wade doesn't respond to words. "Reminding" him isn't going to work. Before your next birthday, plan a long weekend out of town. Leave 2 days before your birthday and return 2 days afterward. Do not tell Wade your plans. Just go. If he has planned some stupid suprise party for you, then tough. He will have to suck it up and be embarrassed. It won't happen again and maybe you won't have to deal with clueless Wade again.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Apr 16, 2013
L3. Wade is skatinkg on very thin ice when he accesses people's private and confidential human resource records.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Apr 16, 2013
Yeah, I guess that is L1 who is skating on thin ice.
My mistake.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Apr 16, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
L3. Wade is skatinkg on very thin ice when he accesses people's private and confidential human resource records.
I agree.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#9 Apr 16, 2013
I bet Wade is gay

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 Apr 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
I bet Wade is gay
I actually assumed that as well. I don't know many straight men who act like chicks to this degree. and this Wade is acting like a chick with his being all up in someone else's birthday party nonsense.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#11 Apr 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
But wade has access th HR information. He will be aware of her PTO request and plan accordingly.
<quoted text>
Yeah, that's scary. Then Wade changes from a regular jerk into a stalker.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#12 Apr 16, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I actually assumed that as well. I don't know many straight men who act like chicks to this degree. and this Wade is acting like a chick with his being all up in someone else's birthday party nonsense.
I didn't think of the gay aspect. In any case, she should shed the whole problem (Wade).

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#13 Apr 16, 2013
LW1 - Picture me hitting my own forehead where stupid is written. I've been assuming Wade was a boyfriend. So the Wade problem isn't so serious. She still should just go out of town around her birthday.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#14 Apr 16, 2013
1- I hear ya. As I'm getting on in my advanced age, birthays have become less of a cause for celebration. He should respect your wishes but if he insists on taking you out and buying you things, why complain?

2- Eh, I'd say invite the sister but not her husband, but if everyone else's husband is going, she could end up feeling the the odd woman out, the only one without a partner. I say you're gonna have to suck it up, invite them both or neither. But not inviting them seems cold and unfair. I say invite them and just deal.

3- was you staying home a mutual decision, or did you just up and decide you didn't want to work anymore?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Apr 16, 2013
I highly doubt that the sister would go on vacation without her husband if the other husbands are going. Her spouse may have stopped hitting her, but you can bet he hasn' stopped with controlling her. NO way would he let her go on a vacation where *he* is excluded. I bet he wouldn't let her go on a sisters-only vaca either.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

United States

#16 Apr 16, 2013
1. Wade's the kind of person who wants the adulation that goes with doing things for other people because he doesn't do anything himself worth admiration. Tell him once and for all that, while you appreciate his intentions, it is your birthday to do as you wish, and while you might not celebrate in the manner he would, you are going to do what you want. That still leaves him 364 days to do nice things for you.

2. Smuggle dawn past a rooster? STFU. Just tell the fourth sister that you want her to come, but you are not comfortable having her husband along. You don't like how he acts and you don't like how he treats her in general. You realize this might make it hard for her, but this is a vacation. I understand about not "punishing" her for marrying an abuser, but I understand more not letting the abuser have more of a negative impact than he already does. And it's not like the 4th sister doesn't know what he's doing, he's doing it to her. Inviting him along is just enabling the situation.

3. As of now he's jerking off, making his own meals, washing his own clothes, doing his own shopping and generally not getting squat from you. He'll see what's in it for him pretty quickly.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Apr 16, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- was you staying home a mutual decision, or did you just up and decide you didn't want to work anymore?
I know someone whose wife did this to him. Just came home one day and said she resigned from her (long-time) job and didn't want to work anymore. I think her youngest was already in school all day (like first grade at least), too. She just decided she didn't feel like doing it anymore. Of course she still wants to drive her Lexus and all.
I feel bad for the guy. He never loved his job, but now feels totally between a rock and a hard place because she refuses to work and there aren't a lot of options for him in this area.
Not that I think staying at home is bad, but it's a lousy thing to do to a partner without discussion/agreement and there is no reason to at least work part-time once your kids are in school full-time.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#18 Apr 16, 2013
LW1: He's a rude a-hole and not a "great guy" if he won't stop this at your request. Depending on where you want to take this, you could threaten to turn him in for violating your privacy by accessing your HR jacket.

Or you could "convert" to Jehovah's Witness and go all biblical on his azz when he tries to throw you a party.

LW2: Just make it a sisters-only trip. The sister left out will never forgive you for going without her.

LW3: What Sam said.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#19 Apr 16, 2013
LW1: I hate it when people try to impose their idea of what you should do or how you should feel. That goes for any event or situation. I would try again to get through to Wade. "Wade, I appreciate your friendship, but I really, really prefer not to celebrate my birthday. That is my choice and my preference and I really wish you would respect that."

LW2: I was taught that it is extremely rude to say, "You are invited but your [husband, wife, partner] is not." My good friend's family does this to several of the spouses, and it is not pretty. There is no way that you are going to take such a vacation without hurting Sister #4's feelings.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#20 Apr 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW2: Just make it a sisters-only trip.
That's not fair to the other husbands. They don't get to go on vacation now either? These sisters need to stow it. This dude is her husband whether they like it or not and it's not fair to exclude one or the other or both because they have a stick in their craw about him.

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