liner

Brooklyn, NY

#21 Oct 29, 2012
L1: Why bother inviting her?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#22 Oct 29, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>This seems oddd to me. Not the idea of not having her over, but the idea of "inviting" her or not. In my experience, things like holiday dinners, that get repeated the same way every year, are not really "invite" events. My mom has a big christmaas brunch every year. We go every year. There is no discussion before hand of "yes, I'm having it this year and hope you can make it."
I expect her to have it every year. I expect that I am welcome in her home. She expects that we will be coming. I imagine LW's holiday is the same. It is a yearly expectation all around. To not have mom over is going to require more than simply not inviting her. It will require specifically telling her she is not welcome to come over. Good luck with that conversation.
The LW said:

"I want to invite her to spend time with us on Thanksgiving but don't know how much of the memories and negativity I can take."

I took this at face value and therefore, no implied invite exists. The LW will either invite her or not, but she won't just show up because that's what they do every year (hopefully).

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#23 Oct 29, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>This seems oddd to me. Not the idea of not having her over, but the idea of "inviting" her or not. In my experience, things like holiday dinners, that get repeated the same way every year, are not really "invite" events. My mom has a big christmaas brunch every year. We go every year. There is no discussion before hand of "yes, I'm having it this year and hope you can make it."
I expect her to have it every year. I expect that I am welcome in her home. She expects that we will be coming. I imagine LW's holiday is the same. It is a yearly expectation all around. To not have mom over is going to require more than simply not inviting her. It will require specifically telling her she is not welcome to come over. Good luck with that conversation.
That's how my family is. There is no "invite." Someone decides to host (my parents or their siblings), and everyone finds out and shows up.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#24 Oct 29, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>This seems oddd to me. Not the idea of not having her over, but the idea of "inviting" her or not. In my experience, things like holiday dinners, that get repeated the same way every year, are not really "invite" events. My mom has a big christmaas brunch every year. We go every year. There is no discussion before hand of "yes, I'm having it this year and hope you can make it."
I expect her to have it every year. I expect that I am welcome in her home. She expects that we will be coming. I imagine LW's holiday is the same. It is a yearly expectation all around. To not have mom over is going to require more than simply not inviting her. It will require specifically telling her she is not welcome to come over. Good luck with that conversation.
At what point do you think someone will take over for your mom b/c her "kids" are now adults and should start taking over for her so she can relax?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#25 Oct 29, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
That's how my family is. There is no "invite." Someone decides to host (my parents or their siblings), and everyone finds out and shows up.
I have one sister that insisted, not only on an invitation, but one by mail. She thought by computer was "proper". Who does that anymore to a family event that is not formal?

So whoever has the holiday party does the evites and hers gets mailed. Why argue when it's just one stamp -- you print it out and mail it.

The kicker is that sister never attends, either. But her adult children do. Very strange.

The evites are helpful b/c you say what you're going to bring in the way of side dishes, appetizers and desserts (we split that up between us) and everyone can see what it is so we don't duplicate. Also, there are years that some people can't make it so you know ahead of time.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#26 Oct 29, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I have one sister that insisted, not only on an invitation, but one by mail. She thought by computer was "proper". Who does that anymore to a family event that is not formal?
So whoever has the holiday party does the evites and hers gets mailed. Why argue when it's just one stamp -- you print it out and mail it.
The kicker is that sister never attends, either. But her adult children do. Very strange.
The evites are helpful b/c you say what you're going to bring in the way of side dishes, appetizers and desserts (we split that up between us) and everyone can see what it is so we don't duplicate. Also, there are years that some people can't make it so you know ahead of time.
That's bizarre...the personal invite thing.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#27 Oct 29, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
At what point do you think someone will take over for your mom b/c her "kids" are now adults and should start taking over for her so she can relax?
When mom says she's tired and doesn't want to do it anymore.

This is why I host Christmas Day now.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#28 Oct 29, 2012
And to insist on it then not attend!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#29 Oct 29, 2012
Maybe she just needs "proof" that she's wanted there.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#30 Oct 29, 2012
Toj wrote:
L1: Learn not to take it in. When she starts complaining, counter it with something fantastic that happened in the last year. Then make a graceful exit to take care of something (anything) in the kitchen, bathroom -- whatever. Repeat as often as necessary.
This is the best answer because LW is probably not going to be able to duck out of every family event. She'll need to learn how to shield herself from the negativity. I also think that making unusual out of town plans for the holidays makes sense. "We've decided to go to the tropics for Thanksgiving!" I have friends with difficult family members who frequently deal by taking holiday trips.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#31 Oct 29, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Maybe she just needs "proof" that she's wanted there.
Yeah, some kind of weird ego thing.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#32 Oct 29, 2012
I wouldn't mind hosting a major holiday, but I can't emphasize enough how much I don't want to be in charge of cooking. Ever. I'll slice up some carrots and buy a dessert or whatever, but slaving away for hours on multiple dishes would suck the fun right out of the holiday.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#33 Oct 29, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
That's bizarre...the personal invite thing.
Totally.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#34 Oct 29, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
I wouldn't mind hosting a major holiday, but I can't emphasize enough how much I don't want to be in charge of cooking. Ever. I'll slice up some carrots and buy a dessert or whatever, but slaving away for hours on multiple dishes would suck the fun right out of the holiday.
I had two ovens (top and bottom) at my house -- that was great! but with one oven, it becomes a logistical nightmare. I know it can be done, I just don't want to work that hard.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#35 Oct 29, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
I wouldn't mind hosting a major holiday, but I can't emphasize enough how much I don't want to be in charge of cooking. Ever. I'll slice up some carrots and buy a dessert or whatever, but slaving away for hours on multiple dishes would suck the fun right out of the holiday.
The cleanup is more a pain in the rear than the cooking, from my personal experience. Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, etc are all things that can be prepped rather quickly and then cook long for a long time. All but the turkey go from oven to table.

But the post-dinner cleanup is more than my kitchen can hold. Ugh.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#36 Oct 29, 2012
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
The cleanup is more a pain in the rear than the cooking, from my personal experience. Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, etc are all things that can be prepped rather quickly and then cook long for a long time. All but the turkey go from oven to table.
But the post-dinner cleanup is more than my kitchen can hold. Ugh.
and by the time cleanup should start, most people are tired from the day!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#37 Oct 29, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
At what point do you think someone will take over for your mom b/c her "kids" are now adults and should start taking over for her so she can relax?
Never. I've taken over Thanksgiving, but i don't live in her town. If she wants to stop her xmas brunch and drive 4 hours to my house, I am more than happy to do xmas at my house, but the 50-100 people that go to her yearly shindig are on their own. I don't see much more than my sister being willing to make that drive for xmas anyway.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#38 Oct 29, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
The LW said:
"I want to invite her to spend time with us on Thanksgiving but don't know how much of the memories and negativity I can take."
I took this at face value and therefore, no implied invite exists. The LW will either invite her or not, but she won't just show up because that's what they do every year (hopefully).
Point taken. I didn't notice that line.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#39 Oct 29, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>To not have mom over is going to require more than simply not inviting her. It will require specifically telling her she is not welcome to come over. Good luck with that conversation.
At least it would give her whining-and-moaning MIL something *new* to bitch about, instead of her 30-yrs-ago divorce...

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#40 Oct 29, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I have one sister that insisted, not only on an invitation, but one by mail. She thought by computer was "proper". Who does that anymore to a family event that is not formal?
So whoever has the holiday party does the evites and hers gets mailed. Why argue when it's just one stamp -- you print it out and mail it.
The kicker is that sister never attends, either. But her adult children do. Very strange.
The evites are helpful b/c you say what you're going to bring in the way of side dishes, appetizers and desserts (we split that up between us) and everyone can see what it is so we don't duplicate. Also, there are years that some people can't make it so you know ahead of time.
I would never have sent the paper invite to begin with, but assuming I did, that would end after 2 no shows. Why kowtow to somwone who is not participsting anyway?

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