Abby 12-14

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Dec 14, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for seven years. Since our wedding, he has had increasing health problems.

He recently told me that he planned his funeral three months ago, without saying a word to me. I am very concerned that he seems more focused on death than on life. Am I wrong to be upset? He says I am.-- WIFE IN BURLINGTON, N.J.

DEAR WIFE: I don't blame you for being concerned because husbands and wives should be able to discuss important topics with each other, and this is one of them.

When your husband has his next medical appointment, go with him so you can speak with his physician. It's possible that because of his "increasing health problems" he has become depressed, and if that's the case, his doctor should be told.

It is always helpful for spouses to accompany each other to their medical appointments in case the patient forgets to ask a question or tell the doctor something he or she needs to know.

DEAR ABBY: My 24-year-old son, "Dustin," moved out five years ago, but he expects me to keep all his childhood and college items in his old bedroom because he says he doesn't have room for them in his apartment.

I'd like to clear out his closet and dresser and use the space for things I want to store. I need more space for me.

Dustin is calling me selfish because I want to change "his" room and move my stuff in there. I say I need the space, and if he wants to keep all his stuff, he should rent a storage locker. By the way, he sleeps here maybe five nights a year at most.

How long are parents obligated to keep their grown children's keepsakes?-- WANTS MY SPACE

DEAR WANTS YOUR SPACE: You are asking an emotionally loaded question. While, rationally, five years should be long enough, clearing "his" room instead of maintaining it as a shrine may feel like abandonment to your adult child.

Give Dustin a little more time to adjust -- like six months -- and then insist that he find a place for his things. That way it will be a little less traumatic.

DEAR ABBY: During these hard times, may I tell you about my daughter? Every year at Christmas, I let our children pick one present for around $30 for themselves. They know that we don't have a lot of money and that "Santa" brings only a few presents.

My daughter chose to give her "Christmas money" to a charity so that another family can be blessed. She's only 9, and she understands there are families who are in more need than us. She truly is an angel for reminding me of that.

I went to our local food pantry and told them what my daughter wanted to do for Christmas. The director wrote her a letter of thanks and explained how many families her $30 would be helping. I'm so proud of my girl. Sometimes it takes a child to remind us how all of us should act.-- BLESSED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BLESSED: Yes, it's true. But invariably it takes good parents to instill a spirit of empathy and generosity in their children. So some of the credit belongs to you.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Dec 14, 2012
 

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L1: If he's not THAT sick, then maybe he needs counseling. He could be depressed from his medical situation. If he IS that sick, then kudos to him for planning things so you don't have to. I think when you plan your own funeral and make the arrangements, you're giving a gift to your loved ones.

L2: Get rid of the big stuff you mentioned, then box his stuff up and keep it in rubbermaid tubs, if you have the room. If you don't, ship it all to him. If he's low on space, he can go through it all and find out what's really important. Your son sounds like an a hole.

L3: I guess I was a horrible 9 yo, but I never would have given up my christmas gift for another kid.

“Walt Frazier for POTUS”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#3
Dec 14, 2012
 

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1 I think that age isa factor here; if the hubby is in his late 70s, what's wrong with pre-planning the funeral? My mother recently went and did this, and she's in fine health.

2 Why won't the LW be firm and give a deadline date? We've already told our HS senior that as soon as she's away at college we are decorating her room to be a guest BR. "Come and get it by 1/1/13 or it goes to charity or the curb."

3 This idea would go over like a fart in church at our house.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Dec 14, 2012
 

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1 He is doing you a favor.

2 Your kid is a spoiled brat. It's YOUR house not HIS room. You gave him too much entitlement.

3 Braggart, real charity is anonymous.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#5
Dec 14, 2012
 

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LW1: Need more info.

LW2: Tell Dustin to grow up and quit acting like a pansy. My parents gradually gave me a box here and there.

LW3: Blah, blah, blah.

My son's teacher sent home a note that said she would like to thank the "two families" who contributed to their toys for tots drive. Bambi and I thought it was rude to word it like that. We've probably spent close to 300 buying other people's kids toys this year for Christmas, and then to have that snot nose teacher send something home like that attempting to shame people, f' her.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Dec 14, 2012
 
I am 62 and in good health. I know where I want my funeral,what music I want played and that I want a party rather than a shiva or a wake. My kids know, so does my husband. I change my mind frequently, but this is lighthearted because nothing seems imminent.

My parents are in failing health. My mother is earnest in reminding me where their cemetery plots are, my father more ironic and a bit silly. Both are reality based.

Life ends. Western society has some rituals that accompany death. No sense in ignoring teh 800lb gorilla walking in the door.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#7
Dec 14, 2012
 
L2 I know this Dustin person. He is masquerading as my older daughter who complains I have taken over her closet even though she left for college in August 2004 and has not lived here since.

Pffftt!!(but I have not taken down her docrations and art work)

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Dec 14, 2012
 
I am strongly considering prepaying for my cremation/funeral expenses NOW and just having it done.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

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#9
Dec 14, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I am strongly considering prepaying for my cremation/funeral expenses NOW and just having it done.
That's an excellent idea and more people should consider that, but you do need to be very careful about which company you choose and the terms of the contract. There have been several cases where the company (funeral home, crematory, etc.) pocketed the money and then either "lost" the paperwork (so they could then claim they didn't owe anything when the time came and families got a rude suprise), changed the contract without notifying anyone (illegal) or otherwise failed/refused to deliver when the time came.

Most places are reputable and ethical, but you never know, so do some heavy due diligence beforehand and go over the contract with a fine-toothed comb.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#10
Dec 14, 2012
 
L1: What Ang said with a side of Saluki.

L2: Dustin is 24; let's assume he moved out at 18. That means it's been six YEARS - what's another six months going to do? You laid this groundwork by letting him think you'll store his stuff for eternity, time to have a heart to heart. The stuff I have left at my parents' house could all be thrown away, for all I care. I don't even remember what half of it is and clearly I'm not using it or in need of it.

L3: Yeah, I was a selfish little brat like the rest of us.:)

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#11
Dec 14, 2012
 

Judged:

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L1: If he doesn't want you to talk to the doctor, you will not be able to. Privacy laws. About the funeral -- put me in a plain box if you have to, turn me into ashes, I really don't care. Don't spend time and money on my dead body. Spend the time and money NOW! By then, it's too late and I really won't care. Go ahead and have a great party though.

L2: Get a Pod, pay for a month, give Dustin the key and the info to pay monthly. He then has 30 days to decide what he wants to do with his stuff.

L3: That's sweet. Empathy is good. More people could use a dose of it.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#12
Dec 14, 2012
 

Judged:

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LW1: Thanks for not telling us what his medical problems are or how old both of you are. We need information, people!

LW2: He's had 5 years to figure out what to do with his crap. Just put his crap in a couple of boxes and put them in the basement (or attic or crawlspace).

When Dickie moved out, his parents had turned his room into an office within the month.

LW3: Sounds like a sweet kid.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#13
Dec 14, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I am strongly considering prepaying for my cremation/funeral expenses NOW and just having it done.
My dad and step-mom did this through the Neptune or Poseidon Society. I tried to google both and got mostly the same info; they set up the cremation stuff so when you die all your family has to do is call a number and everything is taken care of.

As far as I know, it worked perfectly with my step-mom.
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#14
Dec 14, 2012
 
LW2: My mom made me back up all my stuff in boxes and put it into one of their closets when I moved out to go to college at age 18.

By the time I was 24, they'd had both a yard sale and had rented dumpster as part of a massive house cleaning effort. Anything I hadn't taken out of the house at that point was fair game for either.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#15
Dec 14, 2012
 
1. If he is planning his funeral, then I think it's fair that you get to start planning for his replacement.

2. "His" room is in "his" residence. Your son is a whiny punk. If it's not important enough for "his" place or a storage locker, then it's not worth keeping.

3. Your cookie is in the mail.

Since: Feb 08

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#16
Dec 14, 2012
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
My dad and step-mom did this through the Neptune or Poseidon Society. I tried to google both and got mostly the same info; they set up the cremation stuff so when you die all your family has to do is call a number and everything is taken care of.
As far as I know, it worked perfectly with my step-mom.
My mom had hers set up with a similar company. She did all that while still in CA, but all I had to do was call the funeral home when she died, and they took care of the rest with my only having to sign some papers. If we hadn't been going down to have the service for her friends and my brother, they'd have shipped the cremains for us as well.

Since: Feb 08

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#17
Dec 14, 2012
 
Oh, and the price of the services rendered had increased over the years (nearly thirty) since she'd arranged her cremation. Part of the whole deal was that everything was done at the prices that were set at the time she purchased the services.
There was about 45 bucks left over after it was all done that they refunded to me.

Since: Feb 08

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#18
Dec 14, 2012
 
Toj wrote:
L1: If he doesn't want you to talk to the doctor, you will not be able to. Privacy laws.(snipped)
Nope, what the doctor cannot do is talk to her without his permission. She can talk to the doctor all she wants and for as long as the doc is willing to listen. The privacy thing is one way only. ANYONE can call a doctor and give them information about a patient. The doc just can't give out any.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#19
Dec 14, 2012
 
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Nope, what the doctor cannot do is talk to her without his permission. She can talk to the doctor all she wants and for as long as the doc is willing to listen. The privacy thing is one way only. ANYONE can call a doctor and give them information about a patient. The doc just can't give out any.
I agree. That's why I said "If he doesn't want you to talk to him..."

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#20
Dec 14, 2012
 
Wait -- reread Moon. I mean, why do you talk to a doctor? She wants information. That's what I meant. She will not get info out of the doctor without her husband's consent.

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