Amy 10-25

[edogxxx]

DEAR AMY: I am adopted. Unfortunately, my upbringing in my adoptive family was quite dysfunctional, involving verbal and emotional neglect and alcoholism. I forgave my parents for their transgressions many years ago. They are my parents and always will be.

Growing up, I felt the need to find my birth mother, and my adopted mother said she would support this effort. The problem arose when I actually found my birth mother and my biological siblings years ago. I know that my mother feels threatened, and there are several underlying psychological issues at play. I try to reassure her that she'll always be my mother no matter what. But she can be mean and spiteful about my birth family, and she has said some truly hateful things directed at me and them.

I enjoy having my birth family in my life, but out of respect for my adoptive mother I chose never to talk of my birth family with her. My birth family has been present in my children's lives for nearly 20 years, and my daughter views my birth mother as a grandmother.

My daughter is getting married and has invited my birth mother. My mother recently called my daughter, saying that my birth mother isn't really her family. I want my daughter to have a beautiful wedding. I know that my mother would behave at the wedding, but I'm worried about her capacity to say hateful things to me and my daughter beforehand. Any advice?-- Frustrating Dysfunctional Family

DEAR FDF: Your choice to protect your adoptive mother from your relationship with your birth family over the years has had an unintended consequence: She continues to be threatened about a mature, ongoing relationship that she cannot control.

Tell your mother, "I know this is hard for you, but I really expect you to be kind and respectful. That would be a wonderful gift to your granddaughter."

If your mother has something to say, hear her out. But listening doesn't mean you have to do anything differently. This is your daughter's wedding, and she gets to decide the guest list. She also gets to decide who is "family." Your job is to back her up, and you're doing this very well.

DEAR AMY: I asked my best friend out on a date. The problem is that in the four days since I asked him, neither one of us has mentioned it. I don't know why he hasn't brought this up, even though he was fine with this idea three days ago.

Does this mean he doesn't want to go? How do I even say, "Hey, did you forget we're going on a date ... if you even still want to?" And how do I ask him if we're dating if he won't even ask about the dinner we're supposed to have?-- Feeling Awkward

DEAR AWKWARD: Normally, when one person asks another out on a date, the person asking follows up with a specific plan, venue, etc. This keeps the person accepting the invitation from driving around in circles on the night in question, wondering where to go.

The ball is very much in your court. And so, as the invitation issuer, it is your job to say, "OK. I've got some ideas for dinner. Do you want to try that new Thai place? Would you like to meet there or should I pick you up?"

And do not ask him if you're dating. Please. Relax. Dinner first, questions later.

DEAR AMY: "An American in Switzerland" had in-laws who would keep the bathroom door open while using it in her home. I would have told her to install a cheap door closer on her bathroom doors. It may be passive-aggressive, but one must resort to the subtle when "please" is met with derisive comments.-- Simple Fix

DEAR FIX: This is a device that would more or less force the door to swing closed. It's definitely one solution. Thank you and the other readers who suggested it.

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: Those people really aren't family? OK. So are half the people in the crowd. What's your point ma?

LW2: What Amy Said.

[Sublime1]

LW1: When she says hateful things stand up for yourself and tell her that’s not okay. Who are these people who just take abuse?

LW2: You two both sound too shy. One of you needs to take the initiative.

LW3: Those crazy Swiss.

[RedheadwGlasses]

L1: Wow. I hope you raised your daughter to know she doesn't have to put up with this crap that YOU seem to have so easily forgiven and accept for yourself.

L2: If you can't talk to your "best friend" and potential boyfriend, I think you're too immature to be dating.

L3: amy, stop.

[edogxxx]

There's such a thing as an automatic door closer? Wouldn't you still have to push the button?

[RedheadwGlasses]

edogxxx wrote:

There's such a thing as an automatic door closer? Wouldn't you still have to push the button?

Maybe there are some where you push a button, but most are just a mechanical device attached at the top of the door that don't let the door stay open (think of homes with two front doors -- the screen door, and then the sturdy wood or metal door behind it -- the screen door doesn't typically stay open, it slowly shuts itself).

[Mister Tonka]

edogxxx wrote:

There's such a thing as an automatic door closer? Wouldn't you still have to push the button?

Think of McDonalds. You have to grab the door handle and pull the door to open it. After you walk in, you don't have to reach back and close it yourself. There is a non-electronic contraption on top the door that pulls it shut after you let it go.

[Mister Tonka]

Door closer.

http://www.familyhandyman.com/DIY-Projects/Ho...

[Toj]

L1: Sounds like the LW is in a healthy place -- more so than her adoptive mother. Amy's right, she can spout off all she wants but you don't have to take it in, do anything about it nor even respond.

L2: Of course it's awkward b/c you want more than the dinner or movie or whatever. I agree with Amy.

L3: What Red said.

[RACE]

Yes, it's called a spring.

edogxxx wrote:

There's such a thing as an automatic door closer? Wouldn't you still have to push the button?

[squishymama]

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

<quoted text>
Maybe there are some where you push a button, but most are just a mechanical device attached at the top of the door that don't let the door stay open (think of homes with two front doors -- the screen door, and then the sturdy wood or metal door behind it -- the screen door doesn't typically stay open, it slowly shuts itself).

I learned from our friendly city inspector that at least in Evanston, all doors that lead to an internal stairway have to have an automatic closer.

The one that got installed in our old place was waaay too strong. Almost knocked the girls over a couple of times.

[Sam I Am]

1. What you and your daughter want is your call. Tell your adoptive mother that all she is doing is driving you away, which you imagine is the opposite of what she wants to do. She can either keep pushing you away or respect what you need to do to feel fulfilled.

2. Holy crap. Today must be "Amy Gets One Right" Day.

3. I would just squirt them with cold water and take pictures of them while they did their business.

[edogxxx]

Okay, I get it now. I was thinking of something a little more high tech. But people don't generally have those in their house. Is it really plausible to install one for the week the relatives are in town?

[Sublime1]

edogxxx wrote:

Okay, I get it now. I was thinking of something a little more high tech.

Oh c'mon, how hard would it be for these people to install one of these:

http://www.youtube.com/watch...

:p

[RedheadwGlasses]

edogxxx wrote:

Okay, I get it now. I was thinking of something a little more high tech. But people don't generally have those in their house. Is it really plausible to install one for the week the relatives are in town?

Plus it'd be annoying when you just want the door left open.

[pde]

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

<quoted text>
Plus it'd be annoying when you just want the door left open.

We have one in our house, and there's a pin you can pop in and out to turn the auto closing feature of the hinge on and off.

[Toj]

I had this vision of installing a clapper device to open and close the bathroom door. That could be fun when those Swiss used the bathroom.

[NWmoon]

Toj wrote:

I had this vision of installing a clapper device to open and close the bathroom door. That could be fun when those Swiss used the bathroom.

LMAO!!!

[Mister Tonka]

edogxxx wrote:

But people don't generally have those in their house.

My parents had one on the front door when I was growing up.

[Mister Tonka]

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

<quoted text>
Plus it'd be annoying when you just want the door left open.

Left open? WTF?. Were you born in a barn? In the highly unlikely scenario where you would want the front door to stay open, you use one of these.

http://www.officedepot.com/a/products/409185/... {matchtype}&mr:adType=pla &mr:keyword={keyword}