Amy 8-15

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Aug 15, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My sister and her husband recently had a baby. They are in their late 40s, and have been together for 20 years. They never told me that they wanted a family, and it turns out they spent years trying to conceive.

I continue to feel hurt that my sister kept this important fact in her life secret from me, even though my nephew is now 3. She disclosed this to some close friends and co-workers. She feels bad that my feelings are hurt, but said that they kept the secret from all the family members and didn't want to have to explain for years when fertility treatments didn't work.

While I understand this explanation, and I think of this birth as me gaining a nephew, I am having trouble facing the reality that I never had the relationship with my sister I thought I had, and know now that I never will.

I find myself keeping an emotional distance from her, and I have a hard time emotionally connecting with my nephew.

Please help me reorient my thinking.-- Hurt Brother

DEAR HURT: You don't say if you have children, but if you did you'd be more sensitive to your sister's situation. Sometimes it is preferable to share challenging news about your reproductive system with people who you don't have to face across the Thanksgiving table.

It's also tough to disclose private information to one family member if you don't want other family members to know (some siblings feel honor bound to disclose information to parents or other siblings, for instance).

Keeping intimate challenges out of the family realm can also be an attempt to try to protect loved ones from the drama and disappointment of infertility, job instability, splintering marriages or other personal challenges.

Here's your reorientation: If you refuse to bond with a (no doubt adorable) 3-year-old because you don't approve of how his mother handled her infertility, then you will never have the relationship with your sister you'd like to have. Rejecting a child is a surefire way to alienate the child's mother.

DEAR AMY: I've been invited to my daughter's fourth wedding (it is also her fiance's fourth). They are 54.

How many weddings am I supposed to attend? She'll be angry if I don't come.

I am 76 and my only income is Social Security, so this is also expensive for me with airline tickets, motel, etc.

I also feel a big wedding is ridiculous, and I really don't want to go to Florida in August.

If it's the right thing for me to go, I will. I'm sure this won't be the last wedding. Please tell me what I should do.-- Had Enough

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: It might help if you stopped seeing your daughter's weddings as the start of yet another failed marriage, and more as family reunions.

If there is any compelling reason to go to this wedding (i.e. you might see friends and family, meet some new people -- or even have fun), you should talk yourself into it.

However -- and this is a big however -- I think it's kind, respectful and supportive for a middle-aged couple throwing a big fourth wedding to also pay for the mother of the bride's flight and hotel room.

If she insists on having you there, she should act like a big girl and treat you to the trip.

DEAR AMY: Regarding the letter from "Disgusted" about her "nonreligious" Jewish husband who went online to buy an ordination so he could officiate at his son's wedding (and get upgraded by airlines for being "clergy"), the commonwealth of Virginia expressly precludes anyone from doing this.

Several couples have called upon me at the last minute to perform their ceremony when they learn that online ordinations are not valid in our state.

Regardless of any costume or paper he shows to any fool who would believe him, there is only one title this guy deserves: "schlemiel!" -- Michael F. Kuzma, marriage commissioner, commonwealth of Virginia

DEAR MICHAEL: Couples wanting to be married by an online schlemiel should definitely check their state laws before saying "I do."

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Aug 15, 2013
 

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L1: Wow, you're a GUY?

L2: I personally think that you don't choose a wedding date, then inform your parents and siblings and offspring. You see if they are available on your chosen date(s), then go from there. This way, you could have told your daughter "I don't handle the heat in August well, so Florida at that time would be too much for me." If you really want your parents/siblings/children there, you plan it so they can attend if they have restrictions on their lives like an elderly person might have.

Otherwise, the date/location become more important than the people you supposedly want there.

And it seems Amy failed to address any of the LW's realistic and reasonable concerns.

L3: Of course you should check your state's laws when you're deviating from the cookie cutter wedding ceremony. In iowa, anyone can perform your ceremony if you have four witnesses instead of two (a law allegedly created for sky diver type weddings)

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#3
Aug 15, 2013
 
1- Wah wah wah, it's all about you you you. Get over yourself.

2- I agree with everything Amy said.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Aug 15, 2013
 

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1 Double scoops of Red and Edog. What a flipping baby!

2 By the 4th marriage, there should not even be a ceremony, justice of the peace and a bbq is fine.

3 Mmmm Jewish rehash! I'll have mine with a slice of rye.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Aug 15, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
2 By the 4th marriage, there should not even be a ceremony, justice of the peace and a bbq is fine.
ITA.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#6
Aug 15, 2013
 

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LW1 - Your proper diagnosis may be the narcissistic personality disorder, but I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so I'll make a layperson's diagnosis: you are a self-absorbed tool.

First, of all, your sister and her hubby did not *recently* have a baby. They had a baby 3 freaking years ago! He now walks, and talks in complete sentences, and all of that.

Second, your sister did not confide in your about her family's fertility issues, and YOU are hurt? Wow! She knows you well, doesn't she. If she had confided in you, you would have made it all about you, probably would have pestered her about the progress, breaking her heart every time, and fell all hurt and offended about one thing or another.

Yeah, do your sister a favor and keep that distance. They don't need a drama queen in their lives. Nobody does.

LW2 - Just go. Yeah, you are right, a fourth wedding, a big bash at the age of 54, etc., etc., etc. are ridiculous. But she is your daughter. Unless you plan to become estranged, go.

LW3 - I like the phrase "online schlemiel."

Since: Feb 10

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#7
Aug 15, 2013
 

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"You don't say if you have children, but if you did you'd be more sensitive to your sister's situation."

Oh screw you Amy, you ignorant hag!

What, only people who have children can possibly be sensitive to the stresses and trauma of infertility? The people who struggle with it and never find a solution don't know what it's like? OMG, you are an idiot.

LW is incredibly self-centered, but it has nothing to do with whether he has kids or not. He's just self-centered. Oh, and an idiot. So you have that in common.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#8
Aug 15, 2013
 

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LW1: I donít know why you care so much. Their family planning and problems conceiving is none of your business.

LW2: I think you should tell her you canít afford it and see if she offers to pay for you Ö if not then tell her you canít make it.

LW3: Seems to me if folks can just go down to the courthouse and fill out paper work to get married that they donít even have to have a ceremony to get married. Therefore, they can probably have whatever ceremony they want, so long as they subsequently comply with what is required at the courthouse.

Since: Feb 10

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#9
Aug 15, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
2 By the 4th marriage, there should not even be a ceremony, justice of the peace and a bbq is fine.
Absolutely!

I have a coworker who is currently planning her 6th extravaganza wedding, with a designer gown and multiple attendants, the whole deal. And she is whining all the time about her cheap-azz sister who had BETTER NOT buy her some crappy gift from Target like last time. She registers at Macy's for a reason, dammmmit!

Since: Jan 10

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#10
Aug 15, 2013
 

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This guy so obsessed with his sister's procreation reminds me of the creepy uncle who was upset that his lesbian niece and niece's wife didn't take him up on his offer to be a sperm donor, and he was hurt/offended that they conceived without him.

Since: Feb 10

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#11
Aug 15, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
This guy so obsessed with his sister's procreation reminds me of the creepy uncle who was upset that his lesbian niece and niece's wife didn't take him up on his offer to be a sperm donor, and he was hurt/offended that they conceived without him.
eww eww eww!

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#12
Aug 15, 2013
 
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
Absolutely!
I have a coworker who is currently planning her 6th extravaganza wedding, with a designer gown and multiple attendants, the whole deal. And she is whining all the time about her cheap-azz sister who had BETTER NOT buy her some crappy gift from Target like last time. She registers at Macy's for a reason, dammmmit!
Is this a vow renewal or her 6th husband? Either way she's nuts and so is the current/future husband. If the 6th the gift should be the yellow pages listing of divorce attorneys.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#13
Aug 15, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
This guy so obsessed with his sister's procreation reminds me of the creepy uncle who was upset that his lesbian niece and niece's wife didn't take him up on his offer to be a sperm donor, and he was hurt/offended that they conceived without him.
Where was that from. Like Stina said, ewwww.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#14
Aug 15, 2013
 
Wait, that was itser, but Stina would have said the same thing

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#15
Aug 15, 2013
 
LW1. Clue: this is not about you. Whoever called you a narcissist hit the nail on the head.

LW2. I guess I would want to know how the 1st 3 marriages ended, but since Ma doesn't think this one will last, and telegraphs her disgust at her daughter, better to stay away.

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Aug 15, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Where was that from. Like Stina said, ewwww.
Someone in the WaPo Amy thread today thought it was Amy, but I think it might have been Carolyn Hax.

Since: Feb 10

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#17
Aug 15, 2013
 
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
Is this a vow renewal or her 6th husband? Either way she's nuts and so is the current/future husband. If the 6th the gift should be the yellow pages listing of divorce attorneys.
6th husband
She's very outgoing and annoyingly bubbly, and I suspect that the husbands have gotten caught up in her plans before they really realize what they're getting into. I have no sympathy for them though. They're adults. Just because she is pushing for marriage doesn't require them to go through with it.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#18
Aug 15, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
Wait, that was itser, but Stina would have said the same thing
Got that right! Big EWWWWWW!

LW2: I agree with Sublime. Just say you really can't afford it and see what happens.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#19
Aug 15, 2013
 
1: All or nothing was their approach. Get over it, jerk.

2: 4th marriage for both and they're doing it big? Egoists.
If you can afford, do.
If you can't, you say, "I cannot afford to go but I would like to" ad nauseum until they pay.

Since: Jan 10

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#20
Aug 15, 2013
 
I found the letter from the uncle complaining about his niece from a Miss Manners column:

http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2012-09-04...

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