“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

#41 Oct 22, 2009
What type of wood doesn't float very well?

Natalie Wood.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

#42 Oct 22, 2009
Did you hear they found Jim Nabors dead in New York?

Yes, he was found bobbing up and down on the Hudson.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

#43 Oct 22, 2009
If a lawyer and a politician jumped off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

Who cares!
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

#44 Oct 22, 2009
P Ellen wrote:
At the Epilepsy Convention for lunch they serve siezure salad
Hahahahahaha oh lord where are my depends hahahaha I'm loving it!
PEllen

Lake Forest, IL

#45 Oct 22, 2009
Soiled Britches wrote:
Did you hear they found Jim Nabors dead in New York?
Yes, he was found bobbing up and down on the Hudson.
I don't get this one.'Splain, please

Since: Oct 09

West Fargo, ND

#46 Oct 22, 2009
How many light bulbs can a person of any race change?

The same amount as everyone else.
Suz

Springfield, IL

#47 Oct 23, 2009
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't get this one.'Splain, please
Joke went horribly awry: http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/nabors.as...

Hollywood thought Jim Nabors and Rock Hudson got married but it was just a joke that didn't go away and ruined their friendship.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#48 Oct 23, 2009
I dug deep into my email and found this list

1. Coffee n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

#49 Oct 23, 2009
A man walks into a bar, and sees the most miserable looking horse in the world in a stable in the corner.

Surprised, he asks the barman "What's the horse for?"
The barman replies "It's for a competition we run, free beer for a year for anyone who can make the horse laugh."
"Anybody done it yet?" asks the customer, "No" was the response.
"Do you mind if I give it a go?" he asked.
"Have at it." said the barman.

So the guy goes over and whispers in the horse's ear. Next thing the horse breaks into peals of laughter.
"Well done, said the barman, you get free beer for a year."

Over the next few days, the regulars decide on a new competition. This time it's free beer if you can make the horse cry. Like the rest of the regulars, the winner amuses himself watching people attempt this, all the while enjoying his free beer.

As his year was ending, he asks the barman, "So if no-one else has made it cry, do you mind if I have a go?"

Barman says "You might be able to make it laugh, but you'll never make the damn thing cry. On you go."

So the guy walks over, keeps his back to the bar, whispers in the horses ear, steps back, and opens his pants.

The horse falls the floor in weeping sobs, cryinghis eyes out.

The barman declares "Well, you've done it again, but this time you're going to have to tell us how you did it".

"It was easy" said the guy "Last year, I just went over and told him that I was better hung than he was. This year, I showed him!"

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#50 Oct 23, 2009
Mcfixer wrote:
A man walks into a bar, and sees the most miserable looking horse in the world in a stable in the corner.
Surprised, he asks the barman "What's the horse for?"
The barman replies "It's for a competition we run, free beer for a year for anyone who can make the horse laugh."
"Anybody done it yet?" asks the customer, "No" was the response.
"Do you mind if I give it a go?" he asked.
"Have at it." said the barman.
So the guy goes over and whispers in the horse's ear. Next thing the horse breaks into peals of laughter.
"Well done, said the barman, you get free beer for a year."
Over the next few days, the regulars decide on a new competition. This time it's free beer if you can make the horse cry. Like the rest of the regulars, the winner amuses himself watching people attempt this, all the while enjoying his free beer.
As his year was ending, he asks the barman, "So if no-one else has made it cry, do you mind if I have a go?"
Barman says "You might be able to make it laugh, but you'll never make the damn thing cry. On you go."
So the guy walks over, keeps his back to the bar, whispers in the horses ear, steps back, and opens his pants.
The horse falls the floor in weeping sobs, cryinghis eyes out.
The barman declares "Well, you've done it again, but this time you're going to have to tell us how you did it".
"It was easy" said the guy "Last year, I just went over and told him that I was better hung than he was. This year, I showed him!"
So, that's what Scotsmen have under their kilts.

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

#51 Oct 23, 2009
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
So, that's what Scotsmen have under their kilts.
Some, but not all.

The McDonalds just have quarter-pounders.

Since: Oct 09

West Fargo, ND

#52 Oct 23, 2009
A man walks into a heavy bar and it knocks him the fuck out.Then the fire breaks and as it looks like you are going to die.but I wake up with Bleachey lick in your head, It gives you enough time to save everyone from that fire that should of taking my life.I was to leave this world. I'm so of all the it gets better shit.They hold it against you. If you take i pill which is suppose to be helping you, but what is it really doing?

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#53 Oct 23, 2009
Mcfixer wrote:
<quoted text>
Some, but not all.
The McDonalds just have quarter-pounders.
http://instantrimshot.com/
Suz

Frankfort, KY

#54 Oct 24, 2009
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.
RBG

Schenectady, NY

#55 Oct 24, 2009
How did you know that Michael Jackson had a date?

You saw a Big Wheel parked outside.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

#58 Oct 26, 2009
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't get this one.'Splain, please
Suz got it. This joke worked best right after Rock died.

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

#59 Oct 26, 2009
KDKT SUCKS wrote:
A man walks into a heavy bar and it knocks him the fuck out.
I suggest you'd be doing society a favor by following his lead.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

#60 Oct 26, 2009
KDKT SUCKS wrote:
A man walks into a heavy bar and it knocks him the fuck out.Then the fire breaks and as it looks like you are going to die.but I wake up with Bleachey lick in your head, It gives you enough time to save everyone from that fire that should of taking my life.I was to leave this world. I'm so of all the it gets better shit.They hold it against you. If you take i pill which is suppose to be helping you, but what is it really doing?
Well, for starters, the pill is effecting your grammar as well as your attention span my friend. All joking aside, I would have your doctor revisit your meds. Seriously, something is not right. Have it looked at ASAP. Medication done correctly can work wonders. Also, you need to call the proper authorities if you feel like hurting yourself or others.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

#61 Oct 26, 2009
I have this packet of hot sauce I got from Taco Bell about two years ago. You know how they have cute little sayings on them? I have only seen this one once and I think I know why. It reads as follows "Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future." Is it just me or is that a little perverted?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#62 Oct 26, 2009
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None,don't even think about it, I'll just sit here in the dark.

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