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not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#545 Jul 17, 2014
"Mama, where did i come from," asked seven-year-old Jimmy, as he
came out of the elementary school.

His mother took a deep breath, took him to the home computer and
showed him a video of baby mammals being born ending in a normal
delivery of a human baby. "Does that answer your question?' she
asked.

"Wow", answered Jimmy. "No."

"What else do you want to know?" his mother gently asked.

"A new boy, Mark, came to class today and said he's from Maine. What
state did we come from?" answered Jimmy.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#546 Sep 2, 2014
As he rove home from work, a man heard his tire let out a low hiss. "Great, I'll probably have to
wait over an hour to get home, " he moaned, pulling into the shop of a mechanic he'd never visited
before. As he approached the reception desk, he heard a loud metallic laugh: "HAW, haw haw!"
from the waiting area. "What is that?" he asked.
The man behind the desk frowned and sighed. "A scientist got mad at one of my guys and built
a lie detector robot--and left it in my waiting room. Any lie will cause it to point its robot finger at
the liar and laugh that awful laugh."
"Too bad he didn't give it to me," mused the man. "I have a teenager who tells me some far out things from time to time."
"You want it?" responded the man. "I'll fix your tire for free if you'll just take that robot out of here."
He quickly fixed the tire and put the robot into the man's car.
About forty minutes after the man got home his son walked in the door.
"Hey Junior," said the man.
"Hey, Dad," said Junior
"Junior, you're home a little late. Where were you?"
"Doing my home work." The robot rolled up to Junior, pointed at him and laughed, "haw, haw, haw."
"huh? what's this?" asked Junior.
"It's a lie detector robot, Junior. Where were you really?"
"I went to Danny's house?"
"Danny's a good kid. What did you do?"
"We watched some movies."
"Nice. what movies did you watch?"
"Some old Disney movies.." The robot pointed at Junior and laughed again.
"Well, Danny's brother did have an R-rated movie and he let us see it.." Junior answered sheepishly.
"An R-rated movie! Junior, I'm appalled. When I was your age I would never have done such a thing," scolded the man, arrogantly.
Immediately, the robot pointed at Junior's father and loudly laughed "HAW! HAW! HAW!"
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#547 Sep 10, 2014
Note to teacher:

Dear Mrs Miller,

Please excuse Jordan's absence yesterday. Due to my faulty planning, my wife gave birth to his
little brother yesterday.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#548 Oct 3, 2014
The nurse told her son, entering college in another city, "When you cash this check, I'll expect a
'Thank you' note of at least three sentences by the end of that week." "Okay," he shrugged.
Next month, she saw on her bank statement the check had cleared. She called him at once.
"That 'Thank you' note is past due. My statement says the check cleared!" she scolded.
"Oh, I didn't cash it, Mom. I deposited the whole thing," he said absent-mindedly.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#549 Dec 17, 2014
Two little first lieutenants' preschool kids were walking to the playground. They met a little
corporals' first grade kid.

The first preschooler through back her hair, put her nose in the air and said, arrogantly, "My name is
'Muffy'. That's "m", "u", "f", "f", "y". "
The second preschooler proudly raised her little head and said, "And my name is "Buffy". That's
'b','u','f','f','y'. "

The corporal's kid smiled, rolled his eyes at both of them and said, "Then you two can call me 'Tuffy'. And spell it 't''u''p''h''e''e'. "
Always Smile

Oswego, IL

#550 Dec 17, 2014
What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men?

Their heels
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#551 Feb 6, 2015
In the Midwest, around 1960, a post man skidded off the country road into the muddy melting
snow. He took a few breaths, grateful to be unhurt.
An older farm couple tapped on his window. "You all right, son?" the wife asked, sweetly.
"I'm okay, but I won't be able to push this truck back up onto the road," he answered. "If you folks
are headed into town and can tell the fire chief I need to be towed out of here, i'd be mighty thankful."
"We don't need to bother the fire chief, " replied the husband. "We can help you get it on the road."
"This truck is heavier than it looks," warned the mail man.
"That's why i'm fixin to bring our horse. You just wait here, " said the husband.
He brought back a Clydesdale and hitched the horse up to the mail truck. "Just echo what we say to him," he whispered.
Then the farmer and his wife yelled, "Pull, Hercules! Keep going, Sam! That's it, Chestnut! You can
do it, Starr! Come on, Hercules!"....
And the big horse pulled the mail truck up onto the farm road again.
"You two are something else!" smiled the grateful postman, "And i'm mighty thankful to the two of you and...What is your horse's name, any way?"

The old farmer whispered, "His name's Chestnut--and he can barely see any more. If he thought he was pulling all by himself, he would have given up and thought he couldn't do it. And we were mighty glad to help you."
not a ghost

Converse, TX

#552 May 1, 2015
Angie: What did they call the red wing black bird before it was called the red wing black bird?

Sis: Cat food.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#554 Sep 3, 2015
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic
the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.'Have you got a license for that
thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up
to him.'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got
proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way,
Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out
in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in
his hand.'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!'

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#555 Sep 3, 2015
Traveling salesman always wanted to go to Boston so he could eat fresh scrod. Finally he gets sent there, so when he gets in the cab at Logan, he asks the cabbie "Do you know where a guy can get scrod around here?"

I was going to tell a Jonestown joke, but the punchline was too long.

Two parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus." The bartender says "Don't you mean martini?" Caesar replies "Damn it, if I wanted a double I'd ask for it."

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says "dry?" The German replies "Nein, just one."

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If I were your gneiss would you take me for granite?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#556 Sep 3, 2015
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

Merrill the Peril: "I'm gonna bite Bambi!" Mother: "Don't chew deer!"

The real reason octuplets are so uncommon is they're 8 typical!

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Felt a great connection with a girl last night after we both went as sloth burglars. We're taking things slowly.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping at the middle school today? It's ok, he woke up.

3641

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