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“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

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#524
Jul 30, 2011
 
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck..........Folks, we're screwed!!
Funny Stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

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#525
Jan 14, 2013
 

There's a pirate ship out at sea and the captain asks his pirate in the crow's nest to keep on the lookout. The guy in the crow's nest says "I see a boat a few miles off, but they're gaining fast."

The captain says "Quick someone get me my red shirt. That way if I get hurt, the crew won't see and we won't lose morale."

The lookout says "They're getting closer and now there are five ships!"

The captain says "Quick, someone get me my brown pants!"

http://funny-stuff-1.blogspot.com/2013/01/pir...
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#526
Jan 20, 2013
 

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So this is where some of the inspiration for fake letters have come from.
hroola

Pittsburgh, PA

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#527
Jan 20, 2013
 
youtube.com/watch...
Heres my Joke
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#528
Feb 2, 2013
 

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1

Alternate ending on the joke i was sure a college
student would use to make a fake letter:

At the gym, near the showers a cell phone rang. A middle-aged man picked it up and answered it.

"Honey," said the woman on the speaker mode, "I'm so glad I caught you. Josh just brought home the
paper work for his senior trip. It's a trip to Tokyo!"

"Good, send him", said the man.

"It's expensive," she warned.

"Send him," the man repeated.

"It's $5,000--and he will have to purchase his own
passport and traveler's checks," she clarified.

"Send him," repeated the man.

"Then I guess you'll want him to wait until he saves up some more to get his first car," she said
softly.

"He can have the car, too," said the man in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Are you sure? You want him to have the trip and
the car?" she asked.

"Yes," said the man. "Send him. And give him his car."

"Then I'll fill out the papers! He's sure gonna be
happy about this!"

"No problem," said the man closing the phone.

A few minutes later a distraught man about the same age came in.

"Is this your phone?" asked the man.

"Thanks, buddy," said the second man, breathing a sigh of relief. "If my wife finds out I misplaced that phone, I'll never hear the end of it."

"No problem," answered the first man, as he left.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#529
Apr 13, 2013
 

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1

The Nurse Practitioner at the Emergency Room looked
so exhausted that her supervisor pulled her aside and whispered, "You look ready to collapse and I'm
not comfortable seeing you drive home alone. Leave your car here and I'll drive you home."

"All right," she yawned, gently.

As the supervisor pulled up to her driveway, the
NP felt the surgical stapler still in her apron.

"Bring it back tomorrow, so we can sterilize it,"
said the supervisor. "Get some rest."

The NP unlocked her door and went upstairs to her
bed--to discover not one person under her covers, but two--cuddling.

"No!" she screamed, stapling the sheets to the
mattress around them. "No! No! No!!!" From under the covers, she heard a pair of muffled "huh" 's.

She went downstairs to the kitchen in tears--to
discover her husband brewing coffee and her son
making pancakes.

"Mom, if you wanted a pancake, you could have told me," said her son sweetly.

She blew her nose. "Thank you. But we need to call the police. I just stapled some burglars into our bed."

Her husband tenderly put his arm around her. "That
won't be necessary. Your parents came into town late last night as a surprise. And they looked so
worn out, I put them in our bed and camped out on
the couch."

Let's just say, she was glad that all she did was
staple them into the sheets.....
Cowboy

Richmond, KY

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#530
Apr 29, 2013
 

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2

Know what you tell someone with two black eyes ?

Not a damn thing, been told twice already ..
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#531
May 1, 2013
 

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Another sweet joke:

The mother of a five year old girl was happy that her daughter loved helping with her eight-month-old
brother. But she was concerned that the little girl might drop or squeeze him if she picked him up unsupervised.

"Honey, i'll need to ask that you not carry your little brother. He might squirm out of your arms because he doesn't know he could fall and hurt himself if he doesn't hang onto you," the mother
instructed sweetly.

"Okay, mama," answered the girl.

About a week and a half later, the mother heard
giggles upstairs. She went up to where the little
girl and her friend were playing. And on the rug between them was the little brother.

"I thought i'd told you not to carry your little brother," said the mother.

"I didn't carry him, mama," answered the girl, innocently.

"Then how did he get in here? He doesn't walk," the mother replied.

"I rolled him," beamed the little girl as her little brother grinned.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#532
May 31, 2013
 

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Another sleep deprived joke:

The sixty-three year-old electrician arrived at the
church about 5 am and repaired several wires. He yawned and placed his hand on his right front pocket--and didn't feel his keys. He gulped, and felt his shirt pocket and his other pants pockets--finding his cell phone, but not his keys. He began retracing his steps and looked out in the parking lot. He remembered his wife and his
teen age son had warned him more than once that he
had forgotten to take his keys out of the ignition.
And he looked out to see--no car.
He opened his cell to call the police. "It looks like I did something dumb," he humbly said. "I
can't find my car keys and my car is gone from the parking lot."
"Describe your car," said the patrol man in a monotone. The electrician did. "I'll get right on it."
The deacon with the building keys gave the electrician a cup of coffee and encouraged him to
call home.
"Honey, I've been meaning to treat you to a nice
lunch," the electrician said, gently to his wife.
"I'd love that," she answered.
"Well, you and the boys were right when you warned me not to leave the keys in the car. When I finished working on the wiring, I couldn't find my
my keys or the car."
"That's because I dropped you off this morning when
you told me you felt too tired to drive," she said sweetly.
"That's great! Will you come get me now?" he said, relieved.
"I'll be glad to come get you as soon as you tell this policeman who is standing beside me that I didn't steal our car," she answered matter-of-factly.

(Let's just say he bought her a really nice brunch
when she picked him up.)
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#533
Jun 11, 2013
 

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The very young attorney was having a hard time defensing his client. After the prosecuting attorney
presented some strong evidence to convict, the younger defense attorney took a deep breath and
addressed the jury.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, may i ask if i
were to tell you that the true burglar has been
found and will come through those doors at the back
of this court room within the next five minutes, would you then find my client 'not guilty'?" he asked, politely. Five minutes passed. "My question as 'May i ask?' And I noticed each of you looking at the doors--indicating reasonable doubt. I expect you to find my client 'not guilty'."

The jury was excused and quickly came back--with a verdict of guilty.

"I saw each of you members of the panel look to the door--indicating reasonable doubt," he objected.

"That we did," replied the foreman of the jury, respectfully. "And we also noticed your client didn't look up once to see who might have framed him--but just sat there smirking."
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#534
Jul 19, 2013
 

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Old Hollywood story:

A family moved to Oxnard, CA. Their 13-year-old
came to class for the first time at the Middle School==and met one of the school "rabble rousers".

"My daddy can beat up your daddy," teased the heckler.

"Don't be ridiculous," the 13-year-old said calmly.
"My daddy is your daddy." And he walked away, leaving
the heckler with a dropped jaw.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#535
Jul 21, 2013
 

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Is this joke mean?

Q: Why did big Buford finally go to the doctor to get on a weight loss program?

A: Because when big, hefty Buford wore a blue fast food uniform and stood at the bus stop, when he yawned, a sight-impaired rider stuck some stamped letters in his mouth, mistaking him for a mailbox.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#536
Jul 23, 2013
 
boundary painter wrote:
Is this joke mean?
It's not nice.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#537
Aug 14, 2013
 

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The flaky teenager came to his father and said,
sheepishly: "Dad, the carburetor is full of water."

"What," sighed the father. "Do you even know where the carburetor on the car is?"

"No, dad," said the teenager, even more sheepishly.
"But I know it's full of water." The father looked
even more annoyed. "My friends and I accidentally
drove it into the neighbor's pool."

Let's just say the flaky teenager did NOT get his
allowance that week....
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#539
Aug 17, 2013
 

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The military couple learned they both were scheduled for deployment the same year. They turned to the husband's parents to look after their 12-year-old son for that year and get him through the seventh grade.

When the boy arrived, in mid-July, his grandmother
sweetly told him, "Your grandfather and I will be
back from work around 5:30. I'd like you to go to the grocery and buy a gallon of milk. And, if the
grocer has avocados, get three."
"I'll be glad to, Grandma," he said.
As the Grandfather drove home, he saw the boy struggling to juggle, three gallons of milk.
Rolling down his window, he asked, "Why are you bringing home three gallons of milk."
Setting the milk on the floor of the back seat the boy said, "Grandma told me to go buy a gallon of milk. And if the grocer had avocados to get three.
That grocer had avocados so I got three gallons like she told me."
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#540
Aug 23, 2013
 

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On Joke #539, let's just say the grandmother was
glad she didn't tell that boy, "If they have eggs,
get me a dozen."
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#541
Sep 14, 2013
 
Someone else may have already covered this one, but it's cute:

Down a narrow country road came two cars. A woman rolled down her
window at the man coming towards her and shouted, "Donkey!!"

The man rolled down his window and shouted back, "Ugly witch!!" He
proudly sped faster, having past her up; and continued around the bend--only to hit an angry donkey that kicked back at his car.

If only he'd listened with an open mind....
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#542
Feb 21, 2014
 
Wilbert told his son, "You're drinking too much coffee!"

"Huh", asked Junior, pouring another cup.

"Junior," sighed Wilbert. "Your birthday is a national holiday in both
Columbia and Brazil. And you make the energizer bunny look like a
lazy slow poke."

"I'm not drainking too much coffee," said Junior. "I go to AA twleve step meetings."

"For the free coffee,: sighed Wilbert, shaking his head.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#543
Feb 25, 2014
 
Ah, who am I kidding? I'm not a good joke teller.

I liked this conversation between Bette Midler, as "The Rose" and
the cafe owner:

Cafe Ownder; We don't serve hippies here.

Rose: Well, that's okay. We don't eat them.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#544
Jun 10, 2014
 
The fifth grade teacher challenged her students:
"Because there are fifty-two weeks in a year, seven days a week,
twenty-four hours a day, sixty minutes and hour and sixty seconds a
minute, can any of you calculate how many seconds are in a year?"
To her surprise a boy in the middle rows raised his hand. "You have
the answer, Chip?"
"Uh huh," he beamed, "twelve."
"How did you get that answer?' she asked gently.
"Easy. January second, February second. March second...."

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