Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#504 Sep 14, 2010
There were these two cats, who decided to swim the English Channel to settle once and for all whether France or England is superior. The English cat, One-Two-Three, and the French one, Un-Deux-Trois, set off from Dover at the same time and aimed for Calais.

Who won?

One-Two-Three did. Why?

Because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

Who Cares What You Think!

#505 Sep 27, 2010
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal on his arm. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

With that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man upon seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and angrily shouted at him, "Your check bounced! There's not even any money in that account!"

"I know,'"said the old man, "But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!"

See.......Not all Seniors are senile

“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

Who Cares What You Think!

#506 Sep 28, 2010
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started..

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said,'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said,'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said,'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

Who Cares What You Think!

#507 Sep 28, 2010
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#508 Sep 28, 2010
_Elmer Fudd wrote:
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
Fuddy. Very fuddy.

“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

Who Cares What You Think!

#509 Sep 29, 2010
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Fuddy. Very fuddy.
Thank ye, lovely lassie.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#510 Sep 29, 2010
A man walked out of a convenience store with 2 bags of potato chips, a package of hot dogs and a case of pop.

A homeless man approached him and said, "Brother..I haven't eaten in 2 days."

The man replied, "Wow! I wish I had your willpower."

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#511 Oct 1, 2010
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mormons do not recognize each other at Hooters.

“God Bless the A's ”

Since: Aug 10

Location hidden

#512 Oct 2, 2010
Not a regular but I enjoyed. Thanks

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#513 Oct 3, 2010
Nuthutters46er wrote:
Not a regular but I enjoyed. Thanks
Welcome. Anyone can post and read. You become a regular here the same way they did at the Cheers bar.

Who's Cliff, and who's Norm?

Not it!

“Snow days!”

Since: Nov 08

A winter wonderland

#514 Oct 4, 2010
Texas Traffic Camera
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Channahon, IL

#515 Oct 19, 2010
A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies:'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me..'

She responds,'Well, let's see what we can do about that:#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says..'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun,'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says,'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#516 Dec 15, 2010
:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted:'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
sip

Elko, NV

#517 Dec 16, 2010
what do you call a white man surrounded by 2000 black men.---- Wardon.

“Snow days!”

Since: Nov 08

A winter wonderland

#518 Dec 18, 2010
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked and
the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys everywhere.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten all
the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a very
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put
it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
Dvls Advct

White Rock, SC

#519 Feb 25, 2011
TamoraRose wrote:
2009 Darwin Awards
Nominee No. 1:[San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2:[ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34,(a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3:[ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4:[UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5:[The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6:[The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7:[Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Knew Michael Godwin.- No surprise he electrocuted himself.
Ricky Bobby

Gretna, LA

#520 Feb 25, 2011
sip wrote:
what do you call a white man surrounded by 2000 black men.---- Wardon.
Lmao

“What's the point?”

Since: Apr 08

Buffalo Grove, IL

#521 Feb 25, 2011
PEllen wrote:
:
...
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
...
Oh so true!!

“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

Who Cares What You Think!

#522 Jul 30, 2011
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
----------

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

“Really? Says Who?”

Since: Apr 10

Who Cares What You Think!

#523 Jul 30, 2011
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

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