Comments
21 - 40 of 521 Comments Last updated Thursday Jul 17

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#21
Oct 21, 2009
 
Okay, this one's a long one, and not for the faint-hearted.

During World War one, a young newbie gets sent to the trenches of the Somme as a replacement.

On his first day, he asks one of the old salts "so what happens when you need the toilet?"

The old-timer explains "Well lad, there's no facilities round here, so when you need to go, let us know. We'll provide covering fire so you can runout to no mans land and find shell crater. When you've finished, yell to let us know, and we'll provide covering fire for the way back."

Sure enough, a couple of hours later the young fellow declares "I've got to go, cover me for the run out."

Taking his kit and rifle, he goes over the top, runs for a bit and disappears from view.
The other lads wait.

Five minutes go by, and nothing heard from him, so they have a laugh about him getting used to the food.

Ten minutes, and nothing. The begin to become concerned.

At twenty minutes they decide to organize a search party. Just as everyone has their kit on they hear a voice "I'm ready to come back!"
They open fire, and see the lad darting back, and sliding into the trench again.

"What the Fork happened to you?" they asked (or somrthing similar).

"Well", the lad replied "when I dropped into the crater, there was a nurse in there. What a body, beutiful rack, and legs like you wouldn't believe. So I spent most of the time having sex with her".

"You lucky little bastard", declared the old salts, and one asked "did you get her to give you a blow job?"

"Nah", he replied "I couldn't find her head".

Since: Jan 09

Chicago, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#22
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

Since: Jan 09

Chicago, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#23
Oct 22, 2009
 
BTW, that was my attempt at a unicorn chaser after McFixer.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#24
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

Why do cherry trees stink?

Because George Washington cut one!!
P Ellen

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#25
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

1

1

Soiled Britches wrote:
Why do cherry trees stink?
Because George Washington cut one!!
That joke is the pits!
P Ellen

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#26
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

Did you hear about the guy who bought a condo in the basement of a steak house?
He paid for it with a sub-prime loan.
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#27
Oct 22, 2009
 
What do ghosts like to eat at the beach?

Sandwitches
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#28
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

A friend of mine said his mother makes the best pickle bread.

I said, "what is pickle bread?"

He said, "well, first you start off with some dill dough."
Soiled Britches

Rancho Cordova, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#29
Oct 22, 2009
 
Have you ever laughed so hard that you peed a little? How about blowing out gas uncontrollably?
Better yet, have you ever just stood there laughing uncontrollably, tears streaming down your face, peeing your pants and loving it?
P Ellen

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#30
Oct 22, 2009
 
Soiled Britches wrote:
Have you ever laughed so hard that you peed a little? How about blowing out gas uncontrollably?
Better yet, have you ever just stood there laughing uncontrollably, tears streaming down your face, peeing your pants and loving it?
No, but thanks for asking
P Ellen

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#31
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

At the Epilepsy Convention for lunch they serve siezure salad

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#32
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

What's got 120 eyes, 120 legs, 116 arms, and 7 teeth?

Front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Suz

Springfield, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#33
Oct 22, 2009
 
Most folks believe that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with his famous kite experiment.

Actually, a woman made that discovery possible.

The real story was that Ben Franklin was laying in bed with his wife one night, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

She told him to go fly a kite. The rest is history.
Suz

Springfield, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#34
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

2

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room en grossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says,(as only a mother would know..:)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#35
Oct 22, 2009
 
Suz wrote:
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room en grossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says,(as only a mother would know..:)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
If this is true, that is hilarious.

Have any of you heard the one about voodoo dikc?
Enough

Claremont, NH

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#36
Oct 22, 2009
 
There once was a fellow from Leeds, Who swallowed a package of seeds. Great tufts of grass sprouted out of his ass, and his balls were all covered with weeds.

“Your Favorite Uncle!”

Since: Aug 09

Chicago

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#37
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

3

Soiled Britches wrote:
Have you ever laughed so hard that you peed a little? How about blowing out gas uncontrollably?
Better yet, have you ever just stood there laughing uncontrollably, tears streaming down your face, peeing your pants and loving it?
Depends.

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#38
Oct 22, 2009
 
Suz wrote:
Most folks believe that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with his famous kite experiment.
Actually, a woman made that discovery possible.
The real story was that Ben Franklin was laying in bed with his wife one night, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.
She told him to go fly a kite. The rest is history.
Similar to the story of how the fairy came to be on top of the Christmas tree......

One December day Santa was very busy in the run up to Christmas.

He'd had a real bad day, and was getting stresed out having to answer everyones questions, and just as he was reaching the end of his tether a fairy popped her head round his office door clutching a Christmas tree in her hand and asked
"Hey Santa, where would like me to put this?"

“You can hear them turning”

Since: May 09

Wishaw

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#39
Oct 22, 2009
 
"Where would you like me to put this?"

It's always good when you bollox up the punchline!
P Ellen

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#40
Oct 22, 2009
 

Judged:

1

1

Uncle_Joe wrote:
<quoted text>
Depends.
Subtle, very subtle

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

80 Users are viewing the Chicago Forum right now

Search the Chicago Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
Abby 7-26 5 min PEllen 5
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 11 min Nostrilis Waxman 1,080,515
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 43 min loose cannon 174,677
Israeli troops begin Gaza pullout as Hamas decl... (Jan '09) 57 min Hate troublemaking arabs 67,988
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 1 hr Joe Rock Extreme Auto 48,920
IL Who do you support for Governor in Illinois in ... (Oct '10) 1 hr Joe Rock Extreme Auto 3,831
When there is no more water and you can't affor... 2 hr Drought 1
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 4 hr edogxxx 97,541
•••
•••
Chicago Dating

more search filters

less search filters

•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••