“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Oct 3, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my best friend, "Blake," for two years. A year ago he started having panic attacks, so I made an appointment for him with his doctor. After checking him for everything, including heart failure, the doctor diagnosed him with anxiety.

Since his diagnosis, Blake is scared to leave the house. I have been working two jobs to make ends meet because he says he "can't work." This has taken a toll on our marriage. We have three kids and a lot of bills.

Blake is on medication and has tried many different ones, but they aren't working. All he talks about is his anxiety and every little ache or pain. He thinks he's going to have a heart attack.

I am fed up with it, while he says I just "don't understand anxiety." Sometimes I think he's making his anxiety worse. I don't know what to believe or what to do. Any suggestions?-- STRESSED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR STRESSED: Yes, I do have one. Your husband should be seen by a licensed mental health professional (psychologist) who works with a psychiatrist. He may need more than medication to help him conquer his anxiety disorder. He might do better with a combination of talk therapy in addition to his meds.

Please urge your husband to do this because the aches, pains and anxiety he's experiencing may seem like they're all in his head to you, but they're real to him. It could save your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and daughters and I enjoy a beach trip every year. With our busy lives, it's the one time in the year we are able to be together and relax. Although we have invited friends and family over the years to join us, I have never invited my sister. She keeps bringing it up and portrays me as the snobby sister.

The truth is she has two undisciplined children whom I can't stand to be around. I suspect she just wants to join us so she can pawn her kids off on me while she and her husband relax.

My mother is now telling me I'm selfish and not being a good sister. Must I sacrifice my one week a year at the beach to make my sister feel better? Please advise.-- IT'S MY VACATION

DEAR MY VACATION: Considering that you have invited friends and family to join you, but not your sister, I can see how she might feel snubbed. Has no one told her your reason for not inviting her and her family to join you? If not, someone should, because it might motivate her to assert more control over her children. If she takes offense, however, you will be off the hook because she will no longer want to socialize with you.

DEAR ABBY: We have a housecleaner once a month. Last month, I offered her some grapefruit from our tree and she took six. This month, she helped herself to all of the fruit that was left on the tree! She didn't ask permission, and she didn't tell me she had done it. I happened to see her put it into her car.

I consider this to be stealing, but my husband does not. Because she took the fruit without permission and without telling me, do you consider it stealing?-- "ANITA" IN FLORIDA

DEAR "ANITA": The woman may have assumed you wouldn't mind if she took the fruit because you had offered it to her the month before.(Did you say she could take only six?) Rather than call this stealing, I would call it a misunderstanding. Clear it up by telling your housecleaner that you want nothing removed from your premises unless you have specifically told her she may have it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Brooklyn, NY

#2 Oct 3, 2013
1- Tell him to get the fk over it and get a job!

2- Tell her the truth. When she knows exactly how you feel about her and the kids, she won't even ask anymore.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Oct 3, 2013
L 1. I don't know if mental illness is something you can just get over; I am not sure if you can call anxiety mental illness either. Since LW was able to get him to a doc before, call the doc and ask him to see her husband before he will refill his medications and then make a referral as Abby suggests

L 2. What is so glamorous about this vacation that everybody wants to come with? Sister and her family can just as easily go on their own and invite LW. Unless of course LW is renting a big house or something and sister feels she can freeload. These are not 10 year olds. Since the sisters don't socialize anyway, just ignore it.

I disagree about telling her its because of her kids. That will get back to the kids. The kids will grow up and maybe change. That comment will poison the sister relationship forever.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Oct 3, 2013
LW1: He needs professional help and I'm surprised he's not already getting it. It's not like anti-anxiety meds are available over the counter; the doctor who keeps switching the meds needs to insist he go to cognitive therapy too.

And if he won't do this for his family, then you should pack up the kids and leave.

LW2: I'm kinda wussy when it comes to family, so I'd probably invite her, then parent the [email protected] out of her kids, so much so that the kids will beg to never ever have to do anything again with their mean old witch of an aunt.

LW3: Stealing seems harsh, but it was definitely what my step-father would call sneaky. Ask her to please not take the grapefruit without your permission again.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 Oct 3, 2013
I agree with squishy on LW1. Also, I don't know why, but I get the feeling that the hubby is milking it a little. Not that I don't think he has anxiety and panic attacks, but something about the way she describes it makes it seem like he realized he could get out of doing stuff because of it, so he ran with it.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Oct 3, 2013
1 Team Stina.

2 Invite them, but enforce boundries.

3 You should have picked the fruit and given them to her yourself, not let her pick them. Bad president.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Oct 3, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
I agree with squishy on LW1. Also, I don't know why, but I get the feeling that the hubby is milking it a little. Not that I don't think he has anxiety and panic attacks, but something about the way she describes it makes it seem like he realized he could get out of doing stuff because of it, so he ran with it.
I got that feeling too. It reminded me of my first husband, who was thrilled to have a mental disorder that let him off the hook for lots of bad behavior. He was never to blame; it was always the illness. Got real old, real fast.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Oct 3, 2013
L3. The woman's hungry, for God's sake.
In case you didn't notice, she's a cleaning lady.
Try looking the other way.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Oct 3, 2013
L1: I know someone who has bad anxiety. This guy needs meds and talk therapy, I agree. I don't think he's milking it. Sounds like he has anxiety along with his panic attacks.

L2: I'd probably invite her with ground rules in place.

L3: I'd be ticked. Tell her to stop doing that.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#10 Oct 3, 2013
RACE wrote:
Bad president.
While I agree... I'm not sure how this is his fault.

I think she just set a bad precedent.

:-P

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Oct 3, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
I got that feeling too. It reminded me of my first husband, who was thrilled to have a mental disorder that let him off the hook for lots of bad behavior. He was never to blame; it was always the illness. Got real old, real fast.
My ex did that, too. Had an injury he could have easily fixed right away, but when he realized he could get disability and hang out at home drinking beer all day, he waited 18 months to get surgery (when the disability ran out).

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Oct 3, 2013
Ha! My bad!
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
While I agree... I'm not sure how this is his fault.
I think she just set a bad precedent.
:-P
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#13 Oct 3, 2013
LW1: I also know someone with serious anxiety, but she has a job. "Can't work" would be a dealbreaker for me, especially if I had three kids.

Find a good psychiatrist, someone who does talk therapy, hypnotherapy, and will not just prescribe meds but work with your husband to ensure that the correct med and dosage. Everyone's body is different. Insist that he manage his condition and get back to work.

LW2: It's your vacation, but the problem is that you have invited others to join you but not your sister. If you normally went with just your husband and daughters, you could easily say "This time is reserved for me, my husband and kids." Actually, you could say that now, and tell her that you want to keep it simple this year.

LW3: I totally agree with loose cannon. Do you really begrudge her the fruit?

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#14 Oct 3, 2013
LW1 - yes, get him to a shrink, and if the shrink isn't a psychiatrist, make sure there's one in the practice. with talk therapy, i recognized what was causign the anxiety to flare and got some coping techniques. it took me a couple more months of dreading "normal" activities to "give in" (my thoughts at the time) and go on meds. talk therapy gave me the tools to work through a lot, and the meds lessen the "knee jerk reactions" that i do get in response to things that catch me off guard.

if the guy is milking it, it should come out in therapy. if not, and if he's truly ready, willing and able to face it, therapy and meds should lead to improvements.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#15 Oct 3, 2013
itser wrote:
While I agree... I'm not sure how this is his fault.
EVERYTHING is his fault!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#16 Oct 3, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW3: I totally agree with loose cannon. Do you really begrudge her the fruit?
Screw that! Just because someone is poor, doesn't mean I'm gonna let them steal from me! WTH??
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#17 Oct 3, 2013
1: IDK, Blake sounds like he's found the perfect excuse. He was fine working and making babies with a girlfriend, then a year into a marriage (bet my left arm it was her idea), he's too anxious to do anything...riiight.

2: How can people go their whole lives and not be able to communicate with family?? It's your vacay, and your guilt-trip laden mother is off the list, too! Make no apologies!

3: I like how squisky phrased it.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#18 Oct 3, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Screw that! Just because someone is poor, doesn't mean I'm gonna let them steal from me! WTH??
She may have overstepped, but LW issued the initial invitation.

Fruit from a tree? That's a renewable resource. There will be more grapefruit. We had fruit trees in the backyard growing up and my folks used to ask people to come over and pick what they wanted. LW just needs to pick what she wants for herself and put it in a fruit bowl before she invites her housekeeper to harvest.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#19 Oct 3, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW just needs to pick what she wants for herself and put it in a fruit bowl before she invites her housekeeper to harvest.
I'm not willing to blame the LW because she offered. She was trying to be generous, the housekeeper shoved her generosity up her @zz. Maybe the LW should explain things to the housekeeper.... or maybe just get a new one. Lesson learned all around, perhaps.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 4 min mdbuilder 1,643,085
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 24 min loose cannon 243,004
Trump is A 35 min MAGA 74
Joe Biden and PLAGIARISM. 3 hr Cuz King-s Dead 5
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 5 hr No worries, Mate 64,133
Live From "Earth II"....? 14 hr 2 MANY 2 LIST 3
Blue State in HUGE trouble sez George Will 15 hr Amazing Skulduggery 6

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages