“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Mar 17, 2013
DEAR AMY: My live-in boyfriend of five years has recently rekindled a friendship with a girl he knew in grade school. Twice in the last week he has invited her to our home to play pool, have a lot of drinks and soak in our hot tub.

He hasn’t shared his plans to have her over until the last minute as I was leaving work; at that point he then extended the invite for me to join them.

I feel as if I’m in second place to him hanging out with another female in our home. I speak my mind about how it makes me feel, and the situation gets spun as if I’m crazy. He then won’t speak to me for the rest of the night. Sometimes he spins some negativity back on me so that he can be upset with me on something that is off topic.

As they spend hours hanging out, laughing, drinking, playing pool, soaking in our hot tub until past midnight, I’m sitting in my room boiling under the surface. I’m upset and sad that he doesn’t comfort me as they’re having a blast.

She has a boyfriend, and my boyfriend reassures me they would never cross the line and become intimate. I trust that.

I try to speak to him, but most of the time he has had a few drinks, or he is drinking with his friends and insults me, or he shuts me down and dismisses my feelings.

Should I give him space to be with her? Am I an idiot? I cannot speak to him rationally about this because he loses his composure and it escalates. I feel alone.-- Lonely Girlfriend

DEAR LONELY: If you are living together, then he should call you first when he wants to invite someone over. If you agree to this, then you should hang out and enjoy the company, not seethe and sulk in your room. You might change the dynamic by forcing yourself to be awesome in their presence to see if you can also enjoy this guest in your home. Also, the next time he wants to invite her over, perhaps you should extend the invitation to her boyfriend.

Do you want to live with someone who tests you and then drunkenly insults and belittles you when you express yourself? If you cannot alter the dynamic, you should reconsider your choice to be with someone who has so little regard for you.

DEAR AMY: I have a friend who likes to buy me dinner. Often I tell him that I will only eat with him if I can pay for myself, and that usually works. But there are other times when he refuses to let me pay. The reason why I don’t want him doing this is because he is struggling financially, and I don’t want him wasting his money on me. Many times I tell him that I will pay him back, and I do. But other times I feel like he might be offended if I do that. What can I do? Is there a way I can pay him back without hurting his feelings?-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: You should tell your friend that you always want to split the check, no matter what. If this becomes a tussle at the table, you should trade off treating. If he has treated you, you should not attempt to “pay him back” later. That just extends this awkward moment. You and he could both economize by cooking at home for each other. If you don’t know how to cook, this is a fun way to learn and share.

DEAR AMY:“Nameless” reported extreme frustration that a parent of a child in her school didn’t ever use her name. It might be a simple case of awkwardness. Many of us don’t know whether to call a teacher by her first name or as “Mrs. Smith,” so we resort to not using a name at all.-- Parent

DEAR PARENT: If you are confused, you clear up your confusion by saying,“You can call me Jane, but would you prefer to be called Mrs. Smith or by your first name?”
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#2 Mar 17, 2013
LW1: Oh heeeelllllno!! You don't give him space to be with her. She came over twice in one week? No, this is so not OK and you know it. He needs to be hanging out, shooting pool, and soaking in the hot tub with YOU. And you definitely need to join them if it happens again. I like Amy's idea of asking the boyfriend to join you.

LW2: What Amy said.

LW3: Second rehash. Name tags all around for openers.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Mar 17, 2013
LW1 - Of course, two straight people of different genders having lots of drinks and hanging out in a hot tub while their respective SOs are away will NEVER cross the line. Ever. You can trust them absolutely. People are generally known to make their best decisions while they are drunk and near-naked (or drop the "near" part) in the hot tub. Of course, you are crazy not to trust your boyfriend.

Now, go rent "Gaslight." It's a great movie. You may also look up the term "gaslighting" in a dictionary or even Wikipedia.

LW2 - You let your friend manage his own money. And you buy him dinner as well.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Mar 17, 2013
LW3 - In the presence of your child, you address the teacher the way your child is supposed to address her/him. When the children are not present, you ask what form of address the teacher prefers. Caveat: you and the teacher should both be addressing each other in equal terms, either both by first name or both by title+last name.

This, actually, reminds me of one time when I had a student in a post-bac class who was an elementary school teacher. It was a common custom in this continuing ed class for the students and the professor to address each other by first names, so I was Cass, and the students were "Jane," and "Michael," and whatever their first names were. This one student, however, was an exception. She e-mailed me in the first week of the class, insisting that she be called Mrs. Lastname. She started her e-mail with "Hi, Cass." Oh, the irony.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Mar 17, 2013
1 You worry too much.

2 You worry too much.

3 You worry too much.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Mar 17, 2013
LW1 - Ask a male friend to come over and drink, do the hot tub and pal around with you without asking your live in. You will know what to do from his reaction, you moron.

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