“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Sep 28, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have been engaged to a highly functioning alcoholic for several years. He drinks to cope with his stress, including past wounds that he canít let go of.

I have done everything to try to help. He is extremely creative and functions very well at work. He goes out to dinner most nights and drinks to excess without a hangover in the morning.

I am now refusing to go out with him because he turns mean after three drinks or more and then takes all his problems out on me and passes out. I am beside myself because he blames me for everything, including his reasons for drinking, as well as his problems with family, employers and other trauma experiences in his life.

I have sought counseling with him, and nothing has worked. Iím frustrated and feel thereís nothing else I can do. I donít want to leave him, but I know that he will only get worse. Should I just give up, try to heal and move on?-- Distressed Over Alcoholic Fiance

DEAR DISTRESSED: Your guy does not drink because he is stressed. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. You say he is highly functioning, and yet your description is of someone who is caught in the hell of addiction, who is hurting, punishing and mowing down everyone in his path. Is this functioning? I donít think so.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. As his behavior deteriorates, you are now overfunctioning on your fianceís behalf: enabling, decoding and explaining his motivations, mopping up after him and, in general, tolerating pretty intolerable and abusive behavior.

You cannot reason with an addict. You can love him and appreciate his finer qualities when heís sober, but you cannot reason with him. You also should not live with him or give him access to you when heís drunk (which sounds like a daily event).

Pursue counseling for yourself as a way to understand your own motivations and develop some bottom-line non-negotiables, which you will have to work hard to establish and maintain. You should attend Al-Anon meetings. And yes, you can love him from a distance, but you should definitely move on.

DEAR AMY: I have a 25-year-old daughter who lives at home with my husband and me. She works part time and goes to the local community college. She seems to have problems making the right decision and being realistic about her situation. She transferred to a four-year college but failed a class and was dismissed. She returned to the community college.

In addition, she recently got a DUI, and we feel we will probably have to help her with the expenses for this bad decision. She is becoming a financial drain, but we want her to have a college degree and minimize the damage a DUI can be on her future.

We struggle with our responsibilities. Are we too enabling, and should we just let her face the consequences alone?-- Confused Parents

DEAR CONFUSED: You should help your daughter to set realistic goals that she can then attain: an associate degree, steady employment and managing her money well.

Has your daughter asked you to minimize the consequences of her DUI? Has she begged you to intervene, hire a lawyer, pay a fine, etc.? If so, then you have some leverage where you can discuss what you will or wonít do. However, the very essence of enabling is jumping in to fix problems that are not yours to fix. When she starts to feel real consequences, she will start to become her own problem solver, and that should be your ultimate goal for her.

DEAR AMY: Your advice to ďIn a QuandaryĒ was excellent. As a pastor I have presided over a number of funerals for the less lovable among us.

Thank you for letting Quandary know that funerals are not for the deceased but for the living.

As you advised, Quandaryís presence would likely mean the world to her sister, who has suffered through the relationship with this man and is likely fearful that her connection with her sister has been irreparably harmed by his behavior.-- Corstian Devos

DEAR CORSTIAN: Thank you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Sep 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
DEAR AMY: I have been engaged to a highly functioning alcoholic for several years. He drinks to cope with his stress, including past wounds that he canít let go of.
I have done everything to try to help. He is extremely creative and functions very well at work. He goes out to dinner most nights and drinks to excess without a hangover in the morning.
I am now refusing to go out with him because he turns mean after three drinks or more and then takes all his problems out on me and passes out. I am beside myself because he blames me for everything, including his reasons for drinking, as well as his problems with family, employers and other trauma experiences in his life.
I have sought counseling with him, and nothing has worked. Iím frustrated and feel thereís nothing else I can do. I donít want to leave him, but I know that he will only get worse. Should I just give up, try to heal and move on?-- Distressed Over Alcoholic Fiance
DEAR DISTRESSED: Your guy does not drink because he is stressed. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. You say he is highly functioning, and yet your description is of someone who is caught in the hell of addiction, who is hurting, punishing and mowing down everyone in his path. Is this functioning? I donít think so.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. As his behavior deteriorates, you are now overfunctioning on your fianceís behalf: enabling, decoding and explaining his motivations, mopping up after him and, in general, tolerating pretty intolerable and abusive behavior.
You cannot reason with an addict. You can love him and appreciate his finer qualities when heís sober, but you cannot reason with him. You also should not live with him or give him access to you when heís drunk (which sounds like a daily event).
Pursue counseling for yourself as a way to understand your own motivations and develop some bottom-line non-negotiables, which you will have to work hard to establish and maintain. You should attend Al-Anon meetings. And yes, you can love him from a distance, but you should definitely move on.
DEAR AMY: I have a 25-year-old daughter who lives at home with my husband and me. She works part time and goes to the local community college. She seems to have problems making the right decision and being realistic about her situation. She transferred to a four-year college but failed a class and was dismissed. She returned to the community college.
In addition, she recently got a DUI, and we feel we will probably have to help her with the expenses for this bad decision. She is becoming a financial drain, but we want her to have a college degree and minimize the damage a DUI can be on her future.
We struggle with our responsibilities. Are we too enabling, and should we just let her face the consequences alone?-- Confused Parents
DEAR CONFUSED: You should help your daughter to set realistic goals that she can then attain: an associate degree, steady employment and managing her money well.
Has your daughter asked you to minimize the consequences of her DUI? Has she begged you to intervene, hire a lawyer, pay a fine, etc.? If so, then you have some leverage where you can discuss what you will or wonít do. However, the very essence of enabling is jumping in to fix problems that are not yours to fix. When she starts to feel real consequences, she will start to become her own problem solver, and that should be your ultimate goal for her.
DEAR AMY: Your advice to ďIn a QuandaryĒ was excellent. As a pastor I have presided over a number of funerals for the less lovable among us.
Thank you for letting Quandary know that funerals are not for the deceased but for the living.
As you advised, Quandaryís presence would likely mean the world to her sister, who has suffered through the relationship with this man and is likely fearful that her connection with her sister has been irreparably harmed by his behavior.-- Corstian Devos
DEAR CORSTIAN: Thank you.
Posterity

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Sep 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
DEAR AMY: I have been engaged to a highly functioning alcoholic for several years. He drinks to cope with his stress, including past wounds that he canít let go of.
I have done everything to try to help. He is extremely creative and functions very well at work. He goes out to dinner most nights and drinks to excess without a hangover in the morning.
I am now refusing to go out with him because he turns mean after three drinks or more and then takes all his problems out on me and passes out. I am beside myself because he blames me for everything, including his reasons for drinking, as well as his problems with family, employers and other trauma experiences in his life.
I have sought counseling with him, and nothing has worked. Iím frustrated and feel thereís nothing else I can do. I donít want to leave him, but I know that he will only get worse. Should I just give up, try to heal and move on?-- Distressed Over Alcoholic Fiance
DEAR DISTRESSED: Your guy does not drink because he is stressed. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. You say he is highly functioning, and yet your description is of someone who is caught in the hell of addiction, who is hurting, punishing and mowing down everyone in his path. Is this functioning? I donít think so.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. As his behavior deteriorates, you are now overfunctioning on your fianceís behalf: enabling, decoding and explaining his motivations, mopping up after him and, in general, tolerating pretty intolerable and abusive behavior.
You cannot reason with an addict. You can love him and appreciate his finer qualities when heís sober, but you cannot reason with him. You also should not live with him or give him access to you when heís drunk (which sounds like a daily event).
Pursue counseling for yourself as a way to understand your own motivations and develop some bottom-line non-negotiables, which you will have to work hard to establish and maintain. You should attend Al Anon meetings. And yes, you can love him from a distance, but you should definitely move on.
DEAR AMY: I have a 25-year-old daughter who lives at home with my husband and me. She works part time and goes to the local community college. She seems to have problems making the right decision and being realistic about her situation. She transferred to a four-year college but failed a class and was dismissed. She returned to the community college.
In addition, she recently got a DUI, and we feel we will probably have to help her with the expenses for this bad decision. She is becoming a financial drain, but we want her to have a college degree and minimize the damage a DUI can be on her future.
We struggle with our responsibilities. Are we too enabling, and should we just let her face the consequences alone?-- Confused Parents
DEAR CONFUSED: You should help your daughter to set realistic goals that she can then attain: an associate degree, steady employment and managing her money well.
Has your daughter asked you to minimize the consequences of her DUI? Has she begged you to intervene, hire a lawyer, pay a fine, etc.? If so, then you have some leverage where you can discuss what you will or wonít do. However, the very essence of enabling is jumping in to fix problems that are not yours to fix. When she starts to feel real consequences, she will start to become her own problem solver, and that should be your ultimate goal for her.
.
LW 1 Enabler, but I have some sympathy for her because I have a good friend who is an alcoholic. One of teh hardest things to do is to withdraw emotionally and know that there is not a damned thing you can do.

LW2 Enabler, but less sympathetic because you bred this monster. Quit be a helicopter parent and let her fly on her own.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#4 Sep 28, 2013
"Funerals for the less lovable among us."

If I ever own a funeral home, that will be the motto.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#5 Sep 28, 2013
LW1 should not marry this male.

LW2 should go to Al-Anon and learn how to step
back and let this immature female clean up her own mess.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#6 Sep 28, 2013
1- As long as he's "highly functioning" I don't see a problem. Put up and shut up unless you actually want to work for a living.

2- I'm bettin the husband is banging her.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#7 Sep 28, 2013
2- And she didn't get dismissed from a 4 year university for failing a class. She either gave up or was kicked out for more serious offenses. And she was probably the campus s1ut

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Sep 28, 2013
L1. I've never met a creative alcoholic.
He must be one in a million.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Sep 28, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
L1. I've never met a creative alcoholic.
He must be one in a million.
Whatcho talkin bout? My creativity's at its highest when I'm drunk
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#10 Sep 28, 2013
LW1: Do NOT marry this man. Period. He turns mean, takes his problems out on you, and blames you for everything? Do you want a lifetime of this? Get out now. The short term discomfort will fade and you will be free of this abuse.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Sep 28, 2013
L1: By your letter it is clear that you know that you have to leave him. Just b/c you hurt doing it doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. Move on.

L2: Help her clear up the DUI on the condition she focuses on school. If she doesn't do that make it clear she has to move out. Then stick with it.

L3: Yes, funerals are for the living. The dead done' care.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#12 Sep 28, 2013
1: Marry him, since you obviously think so lowly of yourself you feel this is the best you deserve.

2: No one is dismissed from uni for failing a class. Bet she's a liar, too, and you never saw transcripts.
Listen, I would have her move out. When she kills someone with her DUI's, guess who can be sued? YOU--because you help her out with money and are still somewhat responsible, even if she is over 18--trust me.

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