Abby 10-26

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Oct 26, 2012
 
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the greatest man I've ever met in my life for three years. "Jared" has wonderful kids and a successful career. He's handsome and is kind to me, my kids and my family. We enjoy each other immensely, and we are now engaged.

We are social drinkers, but about once a year Jared gets incredibly intoxicated and changes into the most horrible person I have ever seen. It's all verbal yelling -- nothing physical -- but it's still inexcusable. After an "episode" he is guilt-ridden and apologetic for weeks. I believe he's sincere, but it has made me rethink our engagement. He had an episode a week ago -- the third during the time we've been together.

Our kids are close and care about each other. I love Jared, but if I have to endure another instance of this I don't think I can go through with the marriage. I'm still angry about the last bout, and he's still guilt-ridden. How do I approach this?-- CONFLICTED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFLICTED: The first thing to do is make it your business to attend some Al-Anon meetings. When you do, you'll soon realize that the behavior Jared is exhibiting can escalate.

While Jared may be able to handle his liquor 364 days a year (now), what happens on that 365th is a deal-breaker. Unless you want to spend your life worrying every time Jared picks up a glass who he will be when he puts the glass down, draw the line now. Tell him the person he becomes during these "episodes" is a stranger you have no desire to have anything to do with -- ever -- and if he can't guarantee that you will never see that person again, the marriage is off. Of course, this will mean the end of his social drinking and probably yours. If what you have together is as special as you say, it is only a small sacrifice.

Be prepared, because he will probably deny he has a problem. Unless you want to become a miserable nervous wreck, you must not relent. The explosion, the guilt, the "honeymoon" period afterward are similar to the cycle of domestic violence, so be aware of that.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful son died five years ago. He chose his death by hanging -- suicide. He had suffered for years, and all our love couldn't help him. He once told me, "Mom, I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be with Jesus."

We know we will see him again. Still, I find it hard to tell people how he died. I know I don't have to, but it still haunts me sometimes. I'd like to know how others who have been through the same thing feel about this. Thank you for your support.-- MOM IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR MOM: I'm sorry about the death of your son, who suffered from severe chronic depression. When there is a suicide, the family can experience a range of emotions -- including anger, sadness and guilt. When a child commits suicide there can also be feelings of self-recrimination. If that's the case with you, please seek counseling.

I'm sure that when your letter is published, I'll hear from readers who will share their experiences. If you will visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website, www.afsp.org , you can search for a suicide survivor support group in your area, because talking with others who have experienced this can be helpful.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Oct 26, 2012
 

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L1: Once a year? Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. I'd be more annoyed by the weeks of apologies than by one bad night every year. I think LW and Abby are blowing this way out of proportion.

L2: I"m sorry your son died, but if you don't have the wherewithall to look online for support groups or grief counseling, I have nothing to tell you.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Oct 26, 2012
 

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LW1: "if he can't guarantee that you will never see that person again, the marriage is off."

Nice thiught, but ther are no guarantees in life. He might say it and mean it with all his heart. But when it happens again, what does that guarantee give you? Money back?

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#4
Oct 26, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Once a year? Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. I'd be more annoyed by the weeks of apologies than by one bad night every year. I think LW and Abby are blowing this way out of proportion.
I kinda feel this way as well. He does not get violent, but he screams at her? So in 3 years, they NEVER got in an argument that involved screaming except when he gts drunk? That seems odd to me.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Oct 26, 2012
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I kinda feel this way as well. He does not get violent, but he screams at her? So in 3 years, they NEVER got in an argument that involved screaming except when he gts drunk? That seems odd to me.
Nick and I have had one stupid stupid fight and i was wasted. The fight was completely my fault. He was wonderful about it later on.

So I think this guy just once a year gets really trashed, and then it's easy for some lame thing to set him off.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Oct 26, 2012
 

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LW1: You need to decide if being with him is worth having to deal with that once a year or so. Another thing to consider is that people change and it may become even more frequent.

If he is really sorry, I think the guy needs to watch how much he drinks and if he can't do that, then stop drinking.

LW2: I donít think you need to tell people how he died.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Oct 26, 2012
 

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1 I would be curious to know what exactly causes the argument. Is the argument about his being drunk, or is he getting drunk because of the argument?
2 I cant believe you were unable to find a support group for this, but if you did not, please start looking.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#8
Oct 26, 2012
 
L1: I agree with Race that we need more info, and I agree with Angela and Tonka that one bender a year does not an alcoholic make. Sounds like he might have other stuff going on that rises to the surface when he gets THAT drunk. Deal with that stuff and the annual screaming might stop. Finally, I also agree with Sub that LW needs to decide if this is a deal breaker. For a relationship that's otherwise good and has a lot invested, I'd definitely want to work this out. But that could just be me.

L2: Support group.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
Oct 26, 2012
 
L1: Most people would love to trade places with you. You think one bad day a year is bad? I agree with jmw that it might be stuff surfacing from prior stuff. Your best indicator is to find out if their is alcoholism in his family. Genetics play a part.(So does personal behavior so don't jump on me about that.)

L2: Mom is feeling big time guilt b/c her son basically told her he wanted to kill himself. Depression is an illness. Go on the websites and don't be afraid of mental illness. I wish people were more open about this stuff so that getting help can be de-stigmatized. A simple statement of, "My son was clinically depressed and unfortunately ended his own life. We miss him dearly" would say it. I can understand,though, if those words are difficult to say out loud for a very long time.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#10
Oct 26, 2012
 
LW1: I just love how these letters always start off with how wonderful their partner is, except for this one little thing...

LW2: Many support groups out there for this; go find one.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#11
Oct 26, 2012
 
1. If you can't tolerate another episode, then tell him that and stick to it. What is so hard? Where is the question?

2. Nice diagnosis based on nothing, you dum dum. Of all the resources the LW could pick to get help with a problem like this, she went to Abby? I really don't care what happens.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#12
Oct 26, 2012
 
LW1: The extreme personality change that this man exhibits when he is severely intoxicated is a huge red flag, IMHO. I would NOT marry him unless he cut way back on the drinking. You might want to do the same.

Since: Jan 10

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#13
Oct 26, 2012
 

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I wonder if his once a year drinking rage is an anniversary of something -- wedding anniversary of his first marriage, death of somebody, etc.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Oct 26, 2012
 

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Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: The extreme personality change that this man exhibits when he is severely intoxicated is a huge red flag, IMHO. I would NOT marry him unless he cut way back on the drinking. You might want to do the same.
Cut WAY back? He's not a heavy drinker as it is. He has one episode a year. She said they are social drinkers. To me, that means drinking a coulpe beers with friends, but not enough to get you drunk.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#15
Oct 26, 2012
 
LW2 - Toj has it. attitudes about mental illness & suicide are changing in society, so no need to hide it. You don't have to take out billboards and shout it from the mountain tops, either. be brief, be truthful. emphasize that you miss him.

who knows, maybe you'll find your biggest supporter/champion in an unthought of situation.

and yes, counseling for the unresolved grief.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#16
Oct 26, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Cut WAY back? He's not a heavy drinker as it is. He has one episode a year. She said they are social drinkers. To me, that means drinking a coulpe beers with friends, but not enough to get you drunk.
Social drinker can be interpreted different ways, but when someone becomes abusive when drunk, that person needs to get a handle on their alcohol consumption, IMHO. I think the LW may understating how often this occurs. And I think there is more than beer involved.

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