Amy 4-22

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Apr 22, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am a 27-year-old single mom. I've never been small, but I am a healthy, strong, well-proportioned size 12.

My problem is with my mother. She's extremely fat-phobic, and starts to freak out and call herself horrible fat names when she gets over a size 6.

She also makes nasty comments about my weight going back to childhood, such as, "I'd kill myself if I had to wear a size 12."

I've learned to accept that. What I can't and won't accept is when she makes fat comments about my daughter. My baby is 14 months old. Her pediatrician says she is the picture of a healthy toddler -- with no weight concerns.

My mom continually expresses concern about my daughter's weight.

Recently the three of us went to lunch. My daughter refused to eat much of her meal and my mom very proudly declared, "I think she just doesn't like to eat in front of me because she knows I'm counting every calorie she eats!"

This attitude is so far beyond not healthy, I don't even know what to say to her. It's not good that my mom has passed her unhealthy relationship with food down to me, but I refuse to let this get put on my daughter's shoulders as well!

She's a very controlling person but I am very confident in my ability to raise my own daughter. What can I do or say to get her to stop doing this?-- I'm Her Mom!

DEAR MOM: The trick for you will be to balance a healthy portion of tolerance for someone you can't change, along with the ability to remain relatively unruffled when you decide you've had enough.

Your mother's self-loathing and eating issues are unfortunate. You'll need to push back just hard enough to establish that, when it comes to your child, there is a new sheriff in town.

Tell her you've decided that because she cannot control herself, she may not discuss food/weight in front of your daughter. Ever. This may sound like an overreaction, but you will have to overreact in order to get her attention.

You respond to violations by saying: "Oops. Look at the time. We're going to have to go." And you pack up and leave. Do not negotiate or discuss this in front of your child.

Your mother may express her hurt and outrage later. Remember when she does this that she is acting out, the way a toddler does when she has been corrected.

DEAR AMY: My son and his wife (a stay-at-home mom) live several hours away and have three young children. We see them five or six times a year.

We have been very generous to them and send gifts, checks or gift cards for holidays or special events.

It bothers me that they fail to acknowledge receipt of many of these gifts. If I ask if they have gotten them, the response is usually: "Oh! Yeah. Thanks."

I sent them $1,000 for their fifth anniversary last year ... same response! I recently sent $175 in gift cards for my daughter-in-law's birthday, but have not heard that she even received them.

Should I grit my teeth and continue the gifts or just forget these special occasions?-- Frustrated Mom

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your daughter-in-law is obviously partly to blame, but your son is a partner to this gratitude crime.

I assure you, if I sent $1,000 to someone and he didn't acknowledge it, I would never do that again. Tell them both that you are disappointed.

I suggest you dial your giving way back regarding these parents. Concentrate on the kiddies and try to mentor them toward gratitude and acknowledgment.

DEAR AMY: "Fearful" reported that she continued to be frightened of her ex-husband, who had stalked and assaulted her years ago. Her second husband loved and adopted the kids -- and now they wanted to reconnect with their biological father and bring him to family events.

As an also-devoted stepfather, I'd have to say that if this ex-husband wanted to attend family events with my wife present, he'd have to go through me first!-- Upset Stepdad

DEAR UPSET: Amen, brother.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#2
Apr 22, 2013
 

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L1: Your mom is toxic. It's your job to protect your daughter from this.

L2: So stop.

L3: Rehash that I didn't have an answer for the first time. Yum.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Apr 22, 2013
 

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1 Tell mom she looks like she is putting on weight every time you see her. She will be too embarassed to have you over any more.

Oh, and where the F* is dad in all this?

2 How hard is it to NOT write a check. I get the feeling there is more to the story, and you are trying to buy their love.

3 Yeah, everybody is a tough guy on the internet. I bet you would hide under your wife's dress if he showed up.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#4
Apr 22, 2013
 

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Not justifying the lack of thank you notes, but with gifts that size I wonder if LW "wants" something more in exchange.

What difference does it make that the DIL is a SAHM? Is she supposed to have more time in betwen eating bon bons to wrte notes?
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#5
Apr 22, 2013
 
Lw2: I leave all communications with the in-laws in my husband's hands. In fact, I had no idea they were sending the kid healthy checks for his college account for birthdays and Christmas until I accidentally opened one recently. Because the envelops with the checks are addressed to my husband and I don't open his mail.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#6
Apr 22, 2013
 

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1- Time to limit contact.

2- Stop giving them sht.

3- Yeah, way to keep the children's father out of their life, tough guy.
Cass

Upland, CA

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#7
Apr 22, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
L1: Your mom is toxic. It's your job to protect your daughter from this.
L2: So stop.
L3: Rehash that I didn't have an answer for the first time. Yum.
Saved me typing.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
Apr 22, 2013
 
LW1: You're going to have to tell her to stop, tell her what you're going to do if she doesn't, and then stick to it. Unfortunately, it will seem like you're dealing with two toddlers for awhile, but if your mom *really* wants to see the grandbaby, she will stop.

LW2: Then stop sending money. Start saving accounts for each kid, and when you're feeling like giving money to them, put it in the saving account instead. They will appreciate having a suprpise down payment for a car or whatever when they are older.

LW3: I gotta say, boasting rehash is a little chewy.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#9
Apr 22, 2013
 

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LW1: You need to be more assertive. I would tell my parents I donít want to listen to it if they talked in that manner, not just about weight loss, but really anything I donít wish to discuss.

LW2: They have poor manners, especially the wife. If it bothers you so, donít send them anything.

LW3: Itís not your choice to make tough guy. When you have events at your home, you can decide who comes or doesnít come. When you arenít hosting the event, you either attend or you donít attend.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

United States

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#10
Apr 22, 2013
 
1. Tell mom she's going to have to choose between being an obnoxious bitch and seeing her granddaughter.

2. Scale waaaaay back.

3. You's a baaaad mo'fo'.

Since: Jan 10

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#11
Apr 22, 2013
 

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L1: It's time to shut your mother out of your daughter's life until mom can learn to shut her stupid mouth already. My god she sounds dreadful. AMy's advice won't work. Mom isn't going to STOP until she has to deal with the consequences of her mouth. Take away her access to her grandkid.

L2: STOP TRYING TO BUY THEIR AFFECTION. Just. Stop.

L3: Oh right, big tough guy, like you get to dictate the relationships between adults that way.

Since: Jan 10

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#12
Apr 22, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
Not justifying the lack of thank you notes, but with gifts that size I wonder if LW "wants" something more in exchange.
What difference does it make that the DIL is a SAHM? Is she supposed to have more time in betwen eating bon bons to wrte notes?
ITA.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#13
Apr 22, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
Not justifying the lack of thank you notes, but with gifts that size I wonder if LW "wants" something more in exchange.
What difference does it make that the DIL is a SAHM? Is she supposed to have more time in betwen eating bon bons to wrte notes?
I took it to mean the LW thinks they need money because DIL is not working.
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#14
Apr 22, 2013
 
LW1: Congratulations on maintaining a healthy body image despite your awful mother; that can't have been easy.
Now keep the sick nasty btch far, far away from your daughter.

LW2: Oh for F sake. Stop whining and STOP sending such OTT gifts.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#15
Apr 23, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
1 Tell mom she looks like she is putting on weight every time you see her. She will be too embarassed to have you over any more.
Oh, and where the F* is dad in all this?
I was wondering if she ran him off, too.:)

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