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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 2, 2013
DEAR AMY: My sister is 17 years older. Growing up, she and her family lived with us due to financial reasons.

Because of this I am very close to my niece and nephew. Even after I got married the kids spent weekends at my house, and if there was a special occasion like a birthday or anniversary, I would offer to take the kids.

Now her kids are older (17 and 21). I have two sons of my own who are both 6. They love their aunt and talk about her all the time. They want to know if they can go to her house and sleep over or hang out. When they see her (which is not often) they ask her for sleepovers and hang-out time.

The problem is, she avoids them like the plague. She has even made plans with them several times only to break them later and never make it up to them.

I have told her how it is not fair to promise something to them and then not deliver. It bothers me that she doesn't offer me the same support that I gave her for the past decade. I was fine with bottling up my feelings but now she is hurting my kids.

How can I resolve this difficult situation? All I want is for my sons to feel loved and not rejected.-- Rejected Mom

DEAR MOM: If you don't want your sons to feel rejected, then don't set them up for rejection. Your kids should not ask their aunt directly for "sleepovers and hang-out time" without running this idea past you first.

It is distinctly possible that your sister is selfish and disinterested. She is definitely unreliable. It is also possible that like many parents of older offspring, she cannot fathom hosting young kids (and two 6-year-olds, no less). Some parents simply run out of steam. One child at a time might be easier for her to manage.

You sound like a wonderful aunt (and sister). The benefit of this is in the relationship you share with your sister's kids. Life, however, does not offer balanced quid pro quo, and understanding and accepting this is a life-lesson to pass along to your sons, without focusing on the sting of rejection.

DEAR AMY: I have donated some money to local charitable organizations. My son knows that I earned this money myself (my husband died years ago), and I believe it is my right to spend it as I please.

My son has an above average income. He and all members of my family will be well taken care of after my death. He has told me that I am giving away his money.

I have told family members that I am considering a gift to a local organization, thinking that if my son knew of my intention before I acted that it would give him a chance to discuss it or ask me to reconsider in advance.

He seems angry about this. It comes out in indirect ways. He becomes a bully, and I am afraid of him. Otherwise he refuses to discuss it. What should I do?-- Charitable Mother

DEAR CHARITABLE: I'm assuming you are in your right mind and know what you are doing. So why are you discussing this with someone you know will bully you? And, knowing your son's attitude, why are you trying to prompt him to discuss it again? This feels manipulative on your part. Stop it.

What you choose to do with your money is your business. You should get a professional, unbiased snapshot of your assets to make informed choices. You should further protect your estate by drawing up a will and keeping its details close to the vest.

DEAR AMY: Your advice to "Sober Friend" did not go far enough. I believe that if someone is worried about another person's sobriety, they should call the police.-- Also Sober

DEAR SOBER: That's certainly one way to go. Calling the police doesn't necessarily stop the person from driving away, but at least it feels like you're doing something. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#2 Apr 2, 2013
1- I'm confused. Your sister lived with you growing up? Isn't that normal? Anyway, maybe your kids are whiny snot-nosed brats? Ever think of that?

2- So you're bragging to people about being charitable and it's back-firing on you?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Apr 2, 2013
LW1:What Amy said.

LW2: Your son is an asshole. Tell him that. Its not his money. If you want to light cigars with $100 bills, that'syour business and not his. Granted, I would much rather have my mother leave me a truckload of cash vs giving it to charity, I would never give her grief about it. Not mine.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 2, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- I'm confused. Your sister lived with you growing up? Isn't that normal?
Not when the sister is 17 years older. By the time LW was 2 or 3, her sister would be 19 or 20. Many have moved out by then.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Apr 2, 2013
L1: This sounds like a situation completely manufactured by YOU. If these kids hardly ever see their aunt and she shows no interest in them, I highly doubt that the kids -- only 6 -- would be clamoring for her attention and affection. She doesn't OWE you anything based on what the family situation was 17 years ago. Maybe she's done with little kids and she'll be an off-hands grandma. And stop PRESSURING your sister. You know that's how she's agreed to sleepovers and other things with the kids: Because you've pushed and pushed and pushed. Just STOP it. You need to stop acting like the world revolves around you and your kids.

"It is distinctly possible that your sister is selfish and disinterested" OH, shove it up your posterior, Amy. Not wanting to be around someone else's kids is "selfish." Yet again, you show everybody what an idiot you are.

Also: It's "uninterested," not "disinterested." Idiot.

L2: "He has told me that I am giving away his money." I think you need to leave this worthless piece of crap out of your will. I *loathe* people like your son. Also, stop talking about your money with other people. It's really no one's business.

L3: Sigh. Amy, you just never learn a thing.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#6 Apr 2, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Not when the sister is 17 years older. By the time LW was 2 or 3, her sister would be 19 or 20. Many have moved out by then.
I had to read the first couple of sentences a few times to get the point. I think I was missing the "er" on "older" so it was confusing at first.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Apr 2, 2013
1 You like to play mommy, your older sister is "been there done that". Give her a break, I think you are to one pleading for the sleepover (really? a sleep over)

2 amby got it right, your creating drama, either give it away without his knowledge or give it to him.

3 I think a better way to preserve the friendship is to have the bar manager suggest to them that if they dont let them call a cab, they will be required to call the police.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Apr 2, 2013
L3. The police are there to make your life miserable too.
Do not call them.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#9 Apr 2, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Not when the sister is 17 years older. By the time LW was 2 or 3, her sister would be 19 or 20. Many have moved out by then.
Her and her "family" lived with them. I'm guessing she was a little older than 19 or 20. While I'm sure some that young have moved out and even have a family, I think they're more the exception than the rule.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#10 Apr 2, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I had to read the first couple of sentences a few times to get the point. I think I was missing the "er" on "older" so it was confusing at first.
I had to do the same thing. I missed the "er" at first, but then it got even more confusing and bizarre.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 2, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- I'm confused. Your sister lived with you growing up? Isn't that normal?
edogxxx wrote:
Her and her "family" lived with them. I'm guessing she was a little older than 19 or 20.
Exactly. Which why its NOT normal. How many grown ass people get married, have kids, then move back in with their parents?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Apr 2, 2013
LW1: "The problem is, she avoids them like the plague. She has even made plans with them several times only to break them later and never make it up to them."

If the first sentence is true, then the second one must be a lie. You are creating this drama.

LW2: Well, I see your son learned about manipulating people with money from you. Have fun with that.

LW3: "but at least it feels like you're doing something."

So the cops might not actually do anything but you can still feel smug and righteous.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Apr 2, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
<quoted text>Exactly. Which why its NOT normal. How many grown ass people get married, have kids, then move back in with their parents?
Especially when much-younger siblings are still at home. Talk about draining the parents' resources!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Apr 2, 2013
I'm with Red and Squishy.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Nashville, TN

#15 Apr 2, 2013
1. It sounds like your sister raised her kids and is ovr her little kids phase. I assume you did what you did with her kids because you enjoyed it, not to accumulate some future obligation with her for her to do the same. Do tell her not to make plans if she does not intend to keep them, but beyond that there really is not much you have the right to say.

2. Tell him you are giving away your money, but if he wants to see what giving away his money looks like you'll be happy to show him.

3. Put the burden on the manager, it's their job, they're the one who can get sued if a person leaves their establishment drunk and something happens.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#16 Apr 2, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
<quoted text>Exactly. Which why its NOT normal. How many grown ass people get married, have kids, then move back in with their parents?
In today's economic climate, quite a few do. Multi-family households are also not uncommon in other cultures.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Apr 2, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
In today's economic climate, quite a few do. Multi-family households are also not uncommon in other cultures.
we're not talking about today's economic climate. We're talking about when LW was growing up. And regardless of if "quite a few do", its not the norm, which is the question I was addressing.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Apr 2, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>we're not talking about today's economic climate. We're talking about when LW was growing up. And regardless of if "quite a few do", its not the norm, which is the question I was addressing.
You sound like you're crabby. While I agree with you, you usually have much more patience.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Apr 2, 2013
Yeah tonks! YOU CRABBY
Whatup wid dat?
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You sound like you're crabby. While I agree with you, you usually have much more patience.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Apr 2, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You sound like you're crabby. While I agree with you, you usually have much more patience.
crabby how?

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