“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 21, 2014
DEAR AMY: I was dating this wonderful guy for about a month. We deleted our dating profiles together and our relationship blossomed.

He asked me if I would move in with him next year when his job sends him to a new location. The sparks were amazing: great chemistry, intelligent conversations.

Last Tuesday he says, "We need to talk." It turns out he's married. His wife told him she was gay, and he assured me he would never take her back. The only problem was that in that state, they require a year for a divorce to be finalized.

The ex-wife filed for divorce in July, so I told him "OK, we can do this, right?" He's like, "Yeah, you mean so much to me." I agreed to stay with him.

Two days later he says (again) that we need to talk. Basically he said he needed to get his head together and was not fit to date me -- or anyone. He said he wanted no contact with me until the divorce is finalized. No calls. No texts. No hanging out.

Then I got a text saying he is returning to his home state next week because his mother is suicidal.

I think he's going back to his wife. I never lied to him or betrayed him the way she did. It's not fair. He won't answer my calls, and I'm beside myself.

I appreciate your common sense. What do you make of this?-- Devastated

DEAR DEVASTATED: Here's what I make of this: He's a liar and you're a mark. I have a strong feeling he has probably met other women the same way he met you, and he is stringing along more than one woman.

Think about it: If he is so all-fired righteous about his wedding vows, then why did he jump into the online dating pool in the first place? And this detail about his mother -- what's that about? It's about his disappearance.

Chemistry is awesome. But chemistry pales in comparison to the real deal: Honesty, integrity, reliability and the old-fashioned ability to live a high-functioning life.

I prescribe a "man diet" for a few weeks while you sort out what you might have done differently -- and what you will do differently next time.

DEAR AMY: I manage a tight-knit office with seven employees. We have an opening and so I told "Laura" about it. She and I used to work together. She had a great work ethic, was always professional, punctual and productive. She hates her current job, and so I suggested she apply here.

During her interview with me, she did fairly well so I called my staff in next to meet with her alone (I always let my staff meet with potential candidates). Afterward they reported to me that she was defensive and made remarks such as, "I don't come to work to make friends, I come to work to work," and, "It is not my job to handle conflict with another employee -- it's management's job." They said her body language was defensive.

Because she "bombed" the meeting with my employees the consensus was that she would not be a good fit for our company. I did not hire her.

Should I give her any feedback concerning her interview? I would hate for her to continue in this manner with future interviews and would really like to help her professionally.-- Manager

DEAR MANAGER: I think it is somewhat unusual to be interviewed by potential co-workers and "Laura" might have been responding with hostility to the awkwardness of the situation and unable to rise to the occasion to charm them.

You don't need to volunteer feedback unless she solicits it.

DEAR AMY: Thanks for the beautiful response to "Unexpected Widow."

My mom (84 years old and married to my dad for 63 years) was recently widowed. She read your column and called me immediately and said how much better she felt after reading your response.

Thanks for being so sensitive to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one.-- Todd

DEAR TODD: This sweet note made me misty. Please send an extra hug her way.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#2 Apr 21, 2014
1- he's not worth the drama

2- so she comes to work to do a job and not make friends, employee drama is management's business... not seeing a problem here, I would have hired her immediately. What kind of dopes do you have working for you?

3- this sweet note made me puke

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Apr 21, 2014
1 Go with your heart, He's a great guy, you said so yourself. Sparks, passion, orgasms..Whats not to like?

2 I would have hired her, I used to say the same things.

3 glad granny is feeling better.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 21, 2014
Lw1: you dodged the drama bullet. Be happy

Lw2: what dog said. Additionally, i have been on interviews where part of the proccess was getting interviewed by the potential co-workers. I have also worked at places where this was part of the interview process. I don't find it unusual at all like Amy does.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#5 Apr 21, 2014
1: Yes, he fed you a line of - well you know what. You were dating for a month and were so impressed you were about to entrust your entire future to this guy? You are one gullible lady. Be glad you found out as soon as you did and didn't waste years on this guy. Count your blessings and do what Amy said; think about what you did wrong this time and what you're going to do the next time you meet a "great" guy. Number one on my list is that I wouldn't give up my future for any guy on such short acquaintance. I'd have to actually meet his family and friends first and spend time with him and them together to see what kind of person he is with other people and how they behave toward each other. I'd have to feel I could become a part of his family and his friends before making a commitment of any kind. If you'd done that, you'd have found out quickly whether he's actually married. I think that isn't necessarily so but could be a "line" he uses when he wants to get out of an entanglement. So take a breather for awhile and take stock of yourself.

2: Did you blindside this friend? Did you TELL her that she would be left in a room with the people she would work with and that they were going to judge her? If you didn't, some of the fault is yours. I never heard of this kind of interview. If your purpose was to evaluate how she reacts to the unexpected, you found out but I bet she feels you blindsided her. I can see introducing her to the folks who work there if you happen to meet them in the hallway while escorting her out of the office, but leave her alone with the whole group? I'm beginning to wonder whether you also locked the door and watched via a video camera left in the room as well. You are setting up these other employees to be like a group of "mean girls" who get to say yay or nay to any and all potential co-workers. Why do THEY get to choose? You need to rethink your hiring and interview strategy.

3: I assume this granny was not the lw but simply someone who also got comfort from that letter and response. It's a big reason why these columns are written. They aren't written to simply get our or other people's opinion on the columnists' advice. So yes, it's nice to know that someone actually got some benefit, other than pure entertainment, from one of them. ;-) I suspect the columnists have bad days too and just occasionally need some positive feedback.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Apr 21, 2014
L1: "Last Tuesday he says, "We need to talk." It turns out he's married. His wife told him she was gay, and he assured me he would never take her back. The only problem was that in that state, they require a year for a divorce to be finalized." Right there is when the LW should have kicked him to the curb.

L2: Sounds like the type of office that is managed by committee. I wouldn't work there.

L3: Great.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: Consider yourself lucky that you got out of that train wreck before you got more involved than you already were and donít go back.

LW2: Just leave it be, unless she asks. Your advice wonít be much help anyway, because itís not common IME that an employer lets staff interview prospective employees too, especially without the employer being present for the interview.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: Wow! How can you believe any of his stories at this point? You must realize that none of this is true. Yes I'm sure that hurts to think about, but you need to to think alot about this so it never happens again.

LW2: This "friend" dodged a bullet, imo. She would have hated working at your company too.

LW3: What the dog said.
blunt advice

Union, NJ

#10 Apr 21, 2014
1. He is not wonderful. He is slime. Let the administrator of the dating site know. Get to a gyn to get checked for any diseases that could get worse. Think about it ....He was so bad his wife decided she likes girls better, and made his momma want to jump off a cliff.
2. As the manager of this office you should know the personality types of your employees and if your friend would be a good fit. And for people you don't know you should know the correct types of questions to ask to see how they would get along with your staff. I would have the staff member who would be working with this person the most interview with the employee prospects, but not the entire staff. Btw why does your friend hate her job?
3. Blah wwhatevr.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: You only dated. He isn't wonderful. Life's not fair.

LW2: In certain types of businesses, peer interviews are common. Hopefully, though, she didn't have the whoel group talk to her at once. that's intimidating. But, one-on-one, it's common. In certain jobs, it's important to see if there will be a good dynamic with the employee and it's good to get different perspectives when it's a tight-knit group.

Plus, it can be good for the interviewee because they get a better idea of what the job and workplace are like.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#13 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: I meant you only dated one month
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: Amy's take is brutal but spot-on. He's a liar and you were gullible enough to fall for his line of bull pucky. As everyone above has said, consider yourself lucky that you did not invest more than you did and that you learned a valuable lesson to prevent you from making similar or worse mistakes going forward.

LW2: It's called a peer review. Many companies in my area of the country, including my current employer, conduct business in this manner. The idea is to hire people who are compatible with your group. Your friend probably failed because she is not in a positive frame of mind right now. I wouldn't advise telling her anything other than the committee decided on another applicant.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Apr 21, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: "Last Tuesday he says, "We need to talk." It turns out he's married. His wife told him she was gay, and he assured me he would never take her back. The only problem was that in that state, they require a year for a divorce to be finalized." Right there is when the LW should have kicked him to the curb.
Right?!
I don't kidate, kiss, or more married men! It's pretty simple. I know some do but I question people who jump into relationships during a very tumultuous time in life without giving any window to grieve and heal.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Apr 21, 2014
2: Ick, that sounds gross to me.
Maybe she was defensive because she was blind-sided by the group meet.
Maybe she worried others would think she was chummy with the manager so she was assuring them she was there to do a job well done.
Maybe the group is full of harpies who knew they were friends and got together and lied to ensure a non-hire.

Oh, the potential scandals!
I think the friend is better off away from this. A small office of women with that much pull? Gesch!
Julie

Chicago, IL

#17 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: Lady, do the entire planet a favor and get your tubes tied before you breed.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#18 Apr 22, 2014
Surprised LW1 didn't breathe a sigh of relief and run from this guy in
light of the fact that they "deleted their dating histories together".

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