Abby 5-2

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Since: Jan 10

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#21
May 2, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Right? It takes a special kind of idiot to bust themselves like that.
Exactly! It's an easy thing to get away with!(And a harmless thing, imo.)

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

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#22
May 2, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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It wouldn't really be HER I'm worried about, but whoever is sending her flowers and why.
Not really. Either you trust her to tell you about it (and therefore don't have to look), or you trust her to be able to deal with the person competently if it's a problem (and therefore don't need to know about it, thus no need to look).

Either way you break it down, it's a lack of trust in your wife.

Now if you have free access privileges and she doesn't care if you look, and the same is true for her ability to look at your stuff, that's a different situation and why I asked.

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

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#23
May 2, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
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Right. Once again it's the MAN who's being a jerk. How dare someone punish his wife for cheating on him!
The only punishment he gets to enact is the one where his butt walks out the door. Partners don't have authority over each other to punish each other. If you get to a point where you need to "punish" your partner, you no longer have a partnership and it's time to make that official.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#24
May 2, 2013
 

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I say a billion to one.
first gen immigrant wife would not have phone, is too cloistered to cheat and would never, never, never write to dear lamy.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, if he were any good in bed and hadn't chosen a 16 year old in the first place...
What odds that this is an immigrant or first generation mariage which has a tradition of early marriage and patriarchy running into US media and morals?

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

United States

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#25
May 2, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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Yeah, I'm sure if someone sent flowers to your man, you wouldn't be the least bit curious as to who or why.
Of course I'd be curious. Being curious about something doesn't give me the right to snoop. And I'm sure he'd tell me anyway. Hypothetically ('cause that's as close as you're ever gonna get), would you open your spouse's mail? Would you open a greeting card-looking envelope that was addressed to her?

It must really suck being so insecure.

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#26
May 2, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
I say a billion to one.
first gen immigrant wife would not have phone, is too cloistered to cheat and would never, never, never write to dear lamy.
<quoted text>
I also thought that being a new/first generation immigrant would make her less likely to cheat, let alone twice.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#27
May 2, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
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It wouldn't really be HER I'm worried about, but whoever is sending her flowers and why.
2 out of hte last bunches of flowers i had delevered to me weren't from my husband...

let's see... birhtday season, got some from SIL in germany (said the younger nephew picked them out). hubby sent me b-day flowers at work, so these were quite the surprise. then, it was easter time; my aunt sent something.

nothing neferiuos going on, just nice people being thoughtful.

but, if one is intent on looking for a problem or an issue, you can find or make one out of something innocent.

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

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#28
May 2, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
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I also thought that being a new/first generation immigrant would make her less likely to cheat, let alone twice.
Personal experience - no, the kids raised here from such restrictive backgrounds are, if anything, more likely to cheat because they have less avenue for divorce/not getting married in the first place *and* still being accepted within the family tribe; while at the same time being "Americanized" enough to get that there's more out there and want to try and have a piece of it. The elders can't prevent the exposure because often the kid's job is to be the one who is out there making a success in this society - while still holding true to the old country values.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#29
May 2, 2013
 
animaniactoo wrote:
Either way you break it down, it's a lack of trust in your wife.
It has nothing to do with lack of trust. At the very least, it's simple curiosity. "Hey, who sent these flowers?"

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#30
May 2, 2013
 

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Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
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Of course I'd be curious. Being curious about something doesn't give me the right to snoop. And I'm sure he'd tell me anyway. Hypothetically ('cause that's as close as you're ever gonna get), would you open your spouse's mail? Would you open a greeting card-looking envelope that was addressed to her?
It must really suck being so insecure.
Yeah, because checking who sent your wife flowers is THE EXACT SAME THING as opening her mail.

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

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#31
May 2, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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It has nothing to do with lack of trust. At the very least, it's simple curiosity. "Hey, who sent these flowers?"
Then you can ask her, when she opens the card and finds out, can't you? Why is it necessary for YOU to open something addressed to her, rather than respect that it was addressed to her and therefore belongs to her?

“Licensed to Ill”

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#32
May 2, 2013
 

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LW2: Don't really blame the guy for not trusting you, but I'd be smart enough to have dumped your a$s rather than want to babysit your a$s.

LW3: Don't invite him.

LW4: What's the big deal?

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

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#33
May 2, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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Yeah, because checking who sent your wife flowers is THE EXACT SAME THING as opening her mail.
No, it's more like looking at the return addresses on all the mail addressed to her and then opening the ones that you're curious about because they trip some wire in your head.

****It's a justification for invading her privacy for your benefit.****

Unless you have a distrust which means that snooping is the only way you can get the info, there's a *boundary* here. And if you need to parachute over the boundary to get the truth, you do it, but then you act on it - separation, therapy (for you if your snooping turns out to be unjustified, for both of you if it was) and you work your way back around to the point where you trust them and don't feel the need to snoop or have their entire life exposed to you.

(and to think that I thought this was going to be the most boring no-brainer answer out of the 4 of these...)

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

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#34
May 2, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
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Yeah, because checking who sent your wife flowers is THE EXACT SAME THING as opening her mail.
How is it different than a greeting card? You would snoop and open the card that came with a bouquet but you wouldn't open a greeting card that came in a red envelope on Valentine's Day?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#35
May 2, 2013
 
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
You would snoop and open the card that came with a bouquet but you wouldn't open a greeting card that came in a red envelope on Valentine's Day?
Yeah, pretty much. One man's "snooping" is another man's "curiosity."

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

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#36
May 2, 2013
 

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animaniactoo wrote:
The only punishment he gets to enact is the one where his butt walks out the door.
She's the one who cheated on him. Twice. She loses any right to complain about how he responds to it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#37
May 2, 2013
 
And you cant wait until the person they are for tells you?
That like cutting and eating a slice of cake that was meant for dessert.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It has nothing to do with lack of trust. At the very least, it's simple curiosity. "Hey, who sent these flowers?"

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#38
May 2, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
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She's the one who cheated on him. Twice. She loses any right to complain about how he responds to it.
No she doesn't. She can walk out on him just as fast as he can walk out on her.

I think she was very wrong for cheating on him. I think he's very wrong in thinking he can cage her like a pet he's keeping.

Since: Jan 10

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#39
May 2, 2013
 
animaniactoo wrote:
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Personal experience - no, the kids raised here from such restrictive backgrounds are, if anything, more likely to cheat because they have less avenue for divorce/not getting married in the first place *and* still being accepted within the family tribe; while at the same time being "Americanized" enough to get that there's more out there and want to try and have a piece of it. The elders can't prevent the exposure because often the kid's job is to be the one who is out there making a success in this society - while still holding true to the old country values.
Interesting. I think you make good points.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#40
May 2, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
And you cant wait until the person they are for tells you?
That like cutting and eating a slice of cake that was meant for dessert.
<quoted text>
Completely different. Eating dessert first is not a bad thing.

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