“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Mar 1, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been single for five years. I recently reconnected with a man I lost contact with 13 years ago. We went out a few times and it was wonderful.

Out of curiosity, I began checking him out online, starting with his mother, who he had mentioned was a surgeon. When I could find no information on her, I started looking up other things. Abby, I could find nothing about him or his family. His mother does not have a medical license, and there are no property records or any record of a marriage license to his second wife.

When I confronted him, he was furious and accused me of not trusting him. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm heartbroken. I loved him years ago and thought this was for real.

I feel guilty for not trusting him, even though I know he hasn't been honest with me. Is it wrong to do background checks on people you date?-- DATING A MAN WHO DOESN'T EXIST

DEAR DATING: It isn't wrong to do some checking. In fact, these days it's very common. But I wonder, having known this man years ago, what made you curious enough to double-check? Also, how good are you at research? And when you "confronted" him, were you hostile, which would have made him react defensively?

Please do not waste another minute feeling guilty about this. If he isn't the person he portrayed himself to be, you may have dodged a bullet.

DEAR ABBY: My 7-year-old son is a great winner when we play games, but he's a terrible loser. When he loses a game, he loses control. He screams, yells, hits and sometimes bites. Is there a way to stop this behavior or am I stuck with a son who hates to lose?-- LOSING THE BATTLE AT HOME

DEAR LOSING THE BATTLE: You have described a child who is unable to handle frustration or control his emotions. When a child is 2 or 3, this kind of behavior is understandable. But by age 7, your son should have learned to manage his frustration more appropriately.

If his poor sportsmanship continues, it will cause problems with his peers. You should discuss this with him while he is rational, BEFORE you play any games with him. Explain that games are supposed to be fun, and "when we lose, we are given the chance to learn from our mistake." The same is true in sports. Athletes use their mistakes to improve their skills.

It might also be helpful to impose consequences when your son acts out. But if that doesn't help him, then you should have him evaluated physically and neurologically to make sure there is nothing medically wrong with him.
Mom Puts Daughter in Second Place

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 11-year-old girl, and my mom has a boyfriend who lives with us. Mom said that he comes first in her life. When she told me that, I felt like she didn't love me anymore. He tries to be my father, acts like he owns the house and gets me in deep trouble. I have considered moving in with my dad. What should I do?-- PRETEEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR PRETEEN: Now that your mother has made her priorities clear, I think it is time you discussed this with your father. If he is willing and able to take care of you, you might be better off living with him.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#2 Mar 1, 2014
1: Heartbroken and guilty for not trusting a liar??? ROFL
You are a nincompoop.

2: Stuck with? Excuse me, STUCK? Um, no--you grow a pair and follow these instructions: a) he does not get ribbons or trophies for just showing up b) you explain appropriate and innappropriate reactions before c) you discuss consequences for acting out d) you actually, um, do them, moron e) if it continues, he stops playing

These are the losers we get in middle school and are hellions because of pansy parents.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#3 Mar 1, 2014
1- Government spy, witness protection program, who knows? I'll agree with Abby, how good is your research skills? With a few clicks, you can find out the color my underwear.

2- I know adults who throw tantrums when things don't go their way. Some can get over losing, some can't. Looks like your son is the latter. Tough break.

3- Go to the next trailer over and stay with your dad. A true gentleman always lets a lady come first.
Oh, wait, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. Abby's right again, it's clear where your mother's priorities are. Sorry she said such a thing to you. Move in with your dad, and hope he doesn't say his girlfriend comes first

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#4 Mar 1, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
2: Stuck with? Excuse me, STUCK? Um, no--you grow a pair and follow these instructions: a) he does not get ribbons or trophies for just showing up b) you explain appropriate and innappropriate reactions before c) you discuss consequences for acting out d) you actually, um, do them, moron e) if it continues, he stops playing
These are the losers we get in middle school and are hellions because of pansy parents.
Good point. It's the years of coddling kids that have created this now. Thankfully, we don't keep score in kid sports anymore, so everybody wins!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Mar 1, 2014
It is very easy to get this wrong.

You don't know what name his mother uses on her professional license. She could be practicing under her maiden name.

Property can be held in a trust.

It is hard to erase the footprints of a whole family, though.

The temper tantrum kid is showing the results of the "You're special" school of child rearing. Get him into team sports like soccer or basketball where his peers will work on him and where his individual efforts are not the only thing being judged.7 is a good age to learn this.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Mar 1, 2014
1: Ok, perhaps we need more information here. Just how did you "confront" this guy? I hadn't thought about witness protection programs or legal name changes and so forth. Did you give him an opportunity to explain why you didn't find any information to corroborate what he told you? Does his "surgeon" mom use her maiden name or perhaps the name of a husband whose name is not the same as this guy's? I suppose everything he told you might be true but his reaction is not something I'd want to face again when I somehow did something a boyfriend/husband wouldn't like. All in all, I'd say you're probably better off without this type of thing in your life.

2: I used to have temper tantrums when I lost at cards when I was a kid usually playing with adults and another child. They used to call me "Cochise" due to my behavior. I think the tantrums were at least partly due to people making fun of me during the game and when I lost. As an adult, I realize they were probably teasing me in what they thought was a light-hearted manner but they made me feel really small and stupid. It was more that than anything else. And of course no one thought to actually TALK to me and ask why I'd get so upset. Duh. Sometimes all you have to do is talk to a kid to find the root cause of a problem. No one EVER talked to me about anything that was bothering me and if I approached them, I'd get, "Don't bother me, I'm busy." So yes, I would have a tantrum. I never got any therapy or counseling from anyone. I don't recall any "consequences" either other than more teasing and name calling directed at me. Eventually I started saying I didn't want to play cards with anyone simply because I didn't like the way they treated me when I did. The thing is, as far as I can remember, it was the only situation where I'd have a tantrum. Otherwise, I was good kid who kept quiet and simply listened to the adults at family gatherings. I'd sit on the floor, they'd talk, and I'd listen. It was kind of a "children should be seen but not heard" type of situation. I never treated my kids or grandkids that way. They don't deserve to be made to feel "small." But that doesn't mean I spoiled them either. They were expected to behave and there were consequences if they didn't.

So sure, get the child evaluated but think about how you interact with him as well. Go ahead and give him consequences for bad behavior. I am in favor of that. But while you're at it, why don't you ASK him why he reacts with a temper tantrum? You may be surprised.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Mar 1, 2014
3: Some people think that all they HAVE to do when they have a child is take care of the child's physical needs. Of course there are those who don't even think that's a requirement. It sounds as though mommy is so scared of not having a man in her life that she's willing to sacrifice her daughter to do it. I'd like to hear some examples of how this bf gets the lw in trouble. Is it just that he notices when she does something that she shouldn't be doing or is he complaining about inconsequential things that makes the mom angry with her and punish her more than is needed if at all? Does he tell lies about her? It could be that he's abusing his position in the household or it could be that the girl really is behaving poorly and he's calling her out for it. Perhaps she leaves her dirty clothing on the bathroom floor after she's had a bath. Perhaps her room is a disaster zone and he thinks she should keep it more tidy. But of course the big issue here is that the mom told her that her boyfriend takes precedence even over her daughter. That's the clinker. You have a child; you make sure that child's welfare takes precedence until he/she becomes an adult. I just hope the lw's dad feels that way too.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Mar 1, 2014
L1. Yeah. Those blind property trusts are for people who feel the need to hide.
They are a favorite safe money harbor for politicians and lawyers who are paranoid because of their past and future professional conduct.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#9 Mar 1, 2014
Pippa: Again, bless your heart, but OMFG: *EDIT, EDIT, EDIT.*

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Mar 2, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
1: Heartbroken and guilty for not trusting a liar??? ROFL
You are a nincompoop.
.
Why do you assume him to be a liar? Maybe her snooping kung fu is weak. I just googled my name. Under a page of over 100 images, exactly ONE was me. It was to my linkedin page that did not even have a picture till I was looking for a job last year. I have not even updated it, so it still shows my last place of employment as the current job. If I told you where I worked and you came across that, you might think I was a liar.

Other than that one image, the straight up web results had nothing on me. 10 pages deep and none of the results had to do with me. My mother? Nothing on her. This woman searching for his mom might not know what name she is licensed under. Maiden name? New married name? Who knows. Or maybe she just does not know where to look to find the appropriate licensing info. To just assume he is lying is silly. To interrogate him is even worse.

If Some chick wanted to google me, have at it, but when you start interrogating me because you could not find anything on me? GTFO. I'll be moving on to someone else.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Mar 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
With a few clicks, you can find out the color my underwear.
Brown & yellow?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Mar 2, 2014
Pippa wrote:
Did you give him an opportunity to explain why you didn't find any information to corroborate what he told you?
Would YOU really feel a need to help connect the dots for someone questioning your honesty like that? I'd be insulted. I would certainly feel no need to explain myself and it would turn me off of any possible relationship with this person.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#13 Mar 4, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Would YOU really feel a need to help connect the dots for someone questioning your honesty like that? I'd be insulted. I would certainly feel no need to explain myself and it would turn me off of any possible relationship with this person.
Ok, first of all, I'm sorry my response to this didn't get posted. I mean I thought I'd posted it but now I see it didn't get further than my own computer. I actually wrote a very long post two or three times and it kept disappearing from my screen before I could even hit the "post comment" button. I finally got that far and it looked like it went through. This is the first time I've been online since then.
Ok, here's the short version. I don't know whether I'd want to help someone "connect the dots" as you put it. It would at least depend to an extent on how that person approached me. If it were in a very confrontational or accusatory manner, probably not. That's why I asked how she had approached him. I have myself put the names of friends and family members into search engines not so much to check up on them in a sneaky manner but initially it was to check out how the thing worked and whether it gave accurate information. I've also put in my last name (well, my husband's) to see whether there were any relatives out there we weren't aware of.
I don't see why it would be so wrong for the lw or ANYONE to look up information online about someone they have a romantic interest in. How many letters or true tv accounts have we seen regarding some people (both men and women) who have taken advantage of people who fell in love with them? I'm not talking about just once as there have been those who have done this any number of times. I wish my niece had done some research on a man she was involved with initially when they attended college together and then more recently after years of not seeing each other. She would have been much better off had she done some research. As it was, she wasted time and her financial resources helping this guy who had done the same thing to a couple of other women and then dumped them to go on to new prey. At least in her case, her bf was not a serial murderer but he hurt her both emotionally and financially all the same. And of course a couple of years of her life were wasted on the jerk.

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