“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 2, 2014
DEAR AMY: My family hates my husband because he cheated on me.

I took him back and chose to forgive him -- and not throw away 23 years of togetherness. This was four years ago, and my family doesn't invite us as a couple (only me) to family gatherings, such as birthdays.

I don't go to Christmas or Thanksgiving gatherings because he is not invited. My family misses me as I miss them. What can be done?-- Missing

DEAR MISSING: The element that is really missing here is your husband. Perhaps your family members are waiting for him to acknowledge his behavior and apologize for the impact his betrayal of you has had on them.

Infidelity has an ancillary impact, especially in close families such as yours. Your family members also spent 23 years with your husband. He hurts you, he hurts them.

He needs to express: "I hope it's not too late to apologize for how much I hurt your daughter/sister. She and I are in a good place now; she has forgiven me and I hope you would, too. She misses you very much, and I realize that I bear some responsibility for that."

If he acknowledges his actions, this gives your family members the opportunity to forgive him -- and then both parties could gingerly try to repair this relationship. He should do this out of compassion for you.

DEAR AMY: After being married for 35-plus years, without warning my husband announced that he wanted a divorce and had papers for me to sign to divide our assets.

I wasn't going to sign any papers without a lawyer. At first, our communication was fine but quickly turned nasty because I wasn't doing what he wanted quickly enough. I took the high road, I thought.

We have been divorced for almost 15 years. When I was cleaning out my old files I found our written communications. I started to read them, but after the first page I stopped. Now I don't know what to do. Do I want to review that crazy time again to put it to rest? Do I want to see if I really behaved well? Do I want the kids to see these papers? Should I trash them without reading?

Your advice would be much appreciated.-- Clean Jean

DEAR JEAN: You would like to prove something to yourself. If so, there is no greater teacher than facing the printed reality.

The evidence may be appreciably different from what you remember, and it could be a good thing to view this event from two perspectives: From a distance and through documents.

If it were me I would review each page as I fed it into the shredder (unless there are legal reasons to keep them). When contemplating sharing this with your children you have to ask yourself, "What good would come of it?" They already know you are wonderful. Surely you don't need to prove it.

DEAR AMY: I had to respond to the letter from "Mom" about the 8-year-old girl who shows up unannounced at a neighbor's house. Once I was that little girl, afraid to go home, looking for someplace safe to spend time. When you're 8, your parents have the ability to make your life heaven, or in my case, hell.

I encourage this mom to contact the girl's family, not by phone -- but to meet them face to face. Ask questions. Listen to what is not being said. Watch the child's reactions.

My family members were pillars of the community, but our home life was hellish. In the end, the letter writer might not be able to do anything to help this child except offer an abuse-free environment where she can just be an 8-year-old girl for a while. So please be kind.

I might not be here today if it weren't for the many people who throughout my young life welcomed me into their families because they saw my need and gave me a safe place to harbor when times were tough.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you, and thanks to the families who offered you safety and security during your childhood.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jul 2, 2014
1.LW needs to stick up for her husband to her family now the same way she trashed him when he was cheating. I guaranty that no one in teh group, LW included is without some fault somewhere, LW and her husband's misfortune is that their 's became public.

Unless the husband brought ignominy on her family as a group, he does not owe them an apology.

2.People keep journals and diaries and now,blogs. For what purpose? To write something out can be cathartic, but to save it is a different impulse altogether.

I have the journal I kept in high school. I don't recognize a substantial number of the references in it any more and some of it( well a lot of it) is cringeworthy. But that was who I was at 16 and it is part of making me whom I am now. Insight can be good since we are all a work in progress until we die.

I agree with the end advice. Read them as you feed them into a shredder.

3.There were a couple of friends of my daughters' who fell into this category. Dinner and a quiet place is not hard to provide as long as your own kid has primacy
bounhdary painter

Waco, TX

#3 Jul 2, 2014
Jean did the right thing and needs to be less rough on herself. Glance into her future:
(a) She disposed of the papers and concentrated on her true friends
as well as areas that mean something to her.
(b) She cried on the shoulder of one of her children who suggested she talk to somebody "safe" (older, wiser female relative. counselor, minister, etc.)
(c) She stopped and realized how much better off she is without a man who wasn't grateful to have a loyal wife like her.
or
(d) other

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Jul 2, 2014
PEllen wrote:
1.LW needs to stick up for her husband to her family now the same way she trashed him when he was cheating. I guaranty that no one in teh group, LW included is without some fault somewhere, LW and her husband's misfortune is that their 's became public.
Unless the husband brought ignominy on her family as a group, he does not owe them an apology.
2.People keep journals and diaries and now,blogs. For what purpose? To write something out can be cathartic, but to save it is a different impulse altogether.
I have the journal I kept in high school. I don't recognize a substantial number of the references in it any more and some of it( well a lot of it) is cringeworthy. But that was who I was at 16 and it is part of making me whom I am now. Insight can be good since we are all a work in progress until we die.
I agree with the end advice. Read them as you feed them into a shredder.
3.There were a couple of friends of my daughters' who fell into this category. Dinner and a quiet place is not hard to provide as long as your own kid has primacy
lw1: i agree. While Amy does give good advice as far as achieving the desired result, i agree that he does not owe them an apology. He did not wrong THEM. He wronged his wife and they worked thru it.

It reminds me of when Tiger Woods got caught screwing around on his wife and the media was perpetuating this idea that he owed he public an apology. FLUCK YOU! He did not commit any wrong doing against the public. He owed his wife an apology an no one else.

Its great that his(tiger or the husband) actions were frowned upon by those other than the wives, but the fact that the actions offended you do not make you one of the victims due some sort of restitution
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Jul 2, 2014
LW1 - Team PEllen and Tonka.

LW2 - I am curious about things, so I'd probably read them. Do the kids need to see them? No,not really. What would that accomplish, whether you and ex behaved well or poorly?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Jul 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>lw1: i agree. While Amy does give good advice as far as achieving the desired result, i agree that he does not owe them an apology. He did not wrong THEM. He wronged his wife and they worked thru it.
It might ease some of the resentment if he gave them a token apology. How would you feel if your daughter/sister/aunt's husband cheated on her? It's wrong of them to not invite him, you either invite both or neither

And with Tiger Woods, or anyone in the public eye, you're in the public eye, you don't have much of a personal life. That's where shows like tmz come from. You're supposed to be a role model, you cheat on your wife, you've wronged the public, and kids who might look up to you. Don't understand why you can't comprehend that concept. If your president cheated on his wife, don't you think he owes the voters an apology?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Jul 2, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - Team PEllen and Tonka.
LW2 - I am curious about things, so I'd probably read them. Do the kids need to see them? No,not really. What would that accomplish, whether you and ex behaved well or poorly?
1: Agree

2: Yes, I'd probably read them. I'm not sure I'd shred them though. It would depend on what was in them and what I might foresee for the future. Is the ex someone who might start saying bad things about our break-up and divorce? I ,mean he did ask for the divorce out of the blue so to speak so he does seem unpredictable. I might want to save them as proof against any future lies he might decide to start telling. I don't think this is a fits one - fits all type of situation. It's just the ex doesn't sound all that trustworthy in this one. Meanwhile I would not show them to the kids unless it becomes necessary.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#8 Jul 2, 2014
LW1: Team everyone. I have a friend whose family is always saying to two of the siblings, "You are welcome, but not your wife/husband." Rude, rude, rude! LW made the choice to stay with her husband and repair their marriage and her family should have her back. LW should contact the family member to whom she is the closest and state her case as calmly and kindly as possible.

LW2: Read them and then decide whether or not to shred. At this point, they are probably not relevant or meaningful.

LW3: Kindness is always the right answer.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jul 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It might ease some of the resentment if he gave them a token apology.
I already said that. It would achieve the desired result even though I don't feel they are owed an apology.
edogxxx wrote:
And with Tiger Woods, or anyone in the public eye, you're in the public eye, you don't have much of a personal life.
I agree
edogxxx wrote:
You're supposed to be a role model,
disagree. If you are a good role model, great. Its a credit to your character. But I don't buy into the idea that they are supposed to be role models. They are people just like everyone else and I don't unferstand people who think they should be held to a higher standard because they are famous.
edogxxx wrote:
you cheat on your wife, you've wronged the public, and kids who might look up to you.
Disagree. He disappointed them. But they have not been wronged in any way.
edogxxx wrote:
Don't understand why you can't comprehend that concept. If your president cheated on his wife, don't you think he owes the voters an apology?
Nope.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#10 Jul 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> I already said that. It would achieve the desired result even though I don't feel they are owed an apology.
<quoted text>I agree
<quoted text>disagree. If you are a good role model, great. Its a credit to your character. But I don't buy into the idea that they are supposed to be role models. They are people just like everyone else and I don't unferstand people who think they should be held to a higher standard because they are famous.
<quoted text> Disagree. He disappointed them. But they have not been wronged in any way.
<quoted text>Nope.
In America, we typically hold athletes, movie stars, politicians, to a higher standard than ourselves. We look up to them, we admire them, we trust them. If Tonka Joe Blow cheats on his wife, I couldn't care less. But if Tonka the famous actor, politician, football player, musician whom I adore cheats on his wife, I would feel really let down. And if you feel that you don't owe your fans an apology, I'm tearing up your posters and will never see another movie with you in it or vote for you again. That's how we roll in America

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Jul 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
In America, we typically hold athletes, movie stars, politicians, to a higher standard than ourselves. We look up to them, we admire them, we trust them. If Tonka Joe Blow cheats on his wife, I couldn't care less. But if Tonka the famous actor, politician, football player, musician whom I adore cheats on his wife, I would feel really let down. And if you feel that you don't owe your fans an apology, I'm tearing up your posters and will never see another movie with you in it or vote for you again. That's how we roll in America
We? We who? Pretty sure I live in America. You don't speak for me.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Jul 2, 2014
Put it this way. If I am a celebrity that you idolize amd have committed some act that disappoints you so much that you will choose to not spend your money on whatever I am selling (movies, albums, jersey's) , it might be a wise business decision to issue a public apology. It may appease the spending public enough to keep them spending their money on me. But that does not mean the public is OWED an apology cause I cheated on my wife or got caught high on coke with a transvestite prostitute. Any apology issue to the public is spin control.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#13 Jul 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>We? We who? Pretty sure I live in America. You don't speak for me.
That's YOU. Who said YOU are the standard?

I love busting your chops sometimes. Didn't you say your parents are from Cuba or something? You may have been born here but that doesn't mean you fully understand American culture. We hold our celebrities to a higher standard here. They might not in Cuba, but this isn't Cuba

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jul 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's YOU. Who said YOU are the standard?
I love busting your chops sometimes. Didn't you say your parents are from Cuba or something? You may have been born here but that doesn't mean you fully understand American culture. We hold our celebrities to a higher standard here. They might not in Cuba, but this isn't Cuba
I never said I was the standard. Who said YOU were the standard? Oh that's right. You did. Several times using the word 'we'.

No. Not from Cuba. Yes. Born here. Lived here my whole life, which I believe is around a decade more than you've been alive. Fully American. But how arrogant of you to suggest that I don't understand the culture. Exactly what American experiences do you think I have missed out on by havining parents born elsewhere? What is it that you have ecperienced that makes you feel more qualified to speak on american culture?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#15 Jul 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I never said I was the standard. Who said YOU were the standard? Oh that's right. You did. Several times using the word 'we'.
No. Not from Cuba. Yes. Born here. Lived here my whole life, which I believe is around a decade more than you've been alive. Fully American. But how arrogant of you to suggest that I don't understand the culture. Exactly what American experiences do you think I have missed out on by havining parents born elsewhere? What is it that you have ecperienced that makes you feel more qualified to speak on american culture?
Let me put it this way, I'm third generation here. You're first. I've learned about history and culture from my grandparents' mouths. You've learned about it from school.

Let's say we work at a company. You've been there 10 years and I just hired in. But my daddy and daddy before him worked at this same company, long before you started. I've heard stories about it since I was a youngin. You only know about it from your 10 years experience. Who do you think is more in tune with the culture and history of that company?

I find it somewhat amusing when you're shocked to hear about something and can't understand, while for me, I shrug and say that's the way it is, dude, no surprise here

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 Jul 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>We? We who? Pretty sure I live in America. You don't speak for me.
Me neither, and I can count back at least four generations on one blood side, adopted family goes back further.
Bear's sister has been doing their family tree and says they had relations coming over in 1623.
He wanted to know what sort of idiot feels that way about celebrities.
I told him, Edog.
He rolled his eyes and said "of course."
The cur doesn't speak for us either.
Maybe he speaks for others who are idiots or imbeciles.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#17 Jul 3, 2014
America is obsessed with its celebrities. They're all over TMZ, tabloids, the news, everywhere. Seeing an athlete as a role model is nothing new. But no, it's only me and a couple of idiots that make the tabloid news such a success <eye roll>

I pity you people, I can't imagine what it must be like to be so galacticly stupid

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