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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Oct 15, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am recently divorced with a 4-year-old daughter.

My ex (her father) hasn't been in my daughter's life for most of it; the last time she saw him was almost two years ago.

He has a bad drug problem and has been in and out of prison during her short life. She doesn't remember him and, of course, doesn't count him as her family.

My question is this: He sent her a birthday card and said that at some point he might "pop in" to see her.

I don't want this "in your life today, disappear tomorrow" act, so I didn't give her the card. Was I wrong to do this?

Our divorce decree stipulates "no contact." He may not be aware of this because he didn't bother showing up in court for the hearing.

My daughter is happy, well-adjusted and thriving in school and activities. She is loved by her family. I want what is best for her.

Suggestions?-- Loving Mom

DEAR MOM: Your ex is violating the court's "no contact" decree, but he is reaching out and this calls for a response from you. I agree that because there is virtually no relationship (and because of your daughter's age) you should hold on to this card for now, in order to share it (and other things) with her when she is a little older.

You should respond to him directly. Send him a copy of the court order and let him know that if he wants to contact his daughter he will need to communicate with you. He should not "pop in."

I am the child of a "pop in" parent and so I can speak to the experience of the child. This presents a series of confusing challenges -- through life -- but it is most important for you to be honest, consistent and loving as you help your daughter to understand the reality of her father's life. The worst thing for you to do would be to deny his existence. The second worst thing you could do is to allow him to manipulate her.

If he demonstrates that he is motivated to have a safe, even limited relationship with her, then you two should work out a way to do this. Your local department of family and children's services can coordinate supervised visits, parenting classes (for him), and mediation for both of you.

Never trash him. Never call him a bad guy. Your daughter will cycle through different feelings and reactions to him through her life, and you should be in her corner every step of the way.

DEAR AMY: I am having a difficult time with a disruption between close friends.

"Bob" is the team captain and "Darlene" has been a longtime team member of an after-work activity. A few weeks after a big match, Bob, after a few too many drinks, verbally attacked Darlene regarding her performance. There were witnesses who sent Bob away. There has been no apology.

Bob is my husband's friend from high school. I feel like my husband needs to talk to him. He has asked Darlene if she wants him involved and she said no.

I am really angry about this situation and I am concerned that I will speak out of turn when I see Bob again. Is there anything I can do?-- Furious

DEAR FURIOUS: If you witnessed this incident and want to weigh in, then do so. But you don't get to demand an apology from someone on behalf of someone else.

These two are grown-ups. Darlene has declined your husband's offer. She either wants to stand up for herself or would like this whole thing to go away. If this incident creates a problem at work, his supervisor will get involved.

DEAR AMY: "The Teach" was wondering how to explain her intense hot flashes to her students. I assure you it is not appropriate to tell your students that you are "menopausal." This sort of thing should never be disclosed in the classroom.-- Also a Teacher

DEAR TEACHER: I didn't suggest "The Teach" should say she was "menopausal" -- only that she was having a "hot flash."

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#2 Oct 15, 2013
L2: If it creates a problem at work? LW didn't say they work together, so where did that come from? Other than that, she is right. Darlene has already said she doesn't want LW's husband to get involved. So back off already, ya nosy bag.

L3: You have a long list of other causes of hot flashes there, Amy? What else would a bunch of teenagers think you meant?

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#3 Oct 15, 2013
L1: Do NOT let him "pop in" - if you do, you're giving him the control. Plus there's the whole court order thing.

L2: Butt out.

L3: Heh... Team Itser.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 15, 2013
L1 Interesting that Amy had a "pop in" father. That probably explains her tendency to man bash.

L2. Butt out. Bob did not insult you. Darlene has been offered and declined intervention.
MYOB. You have permission to give him the cold houlder . Nothing more. And in case you missed it the first time, MYOB.

L3 This is getting to be a heated discussion

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Oct 15, 2013
1 Surpirse! Excellent advice.

2 They may be adults, but they are acting like children

3 Team Itser.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#6 Oct 15, 2013
itser wrote:
L3: You have a long list of other causes of hot flashes there, Amy? What else would a bunch of teenagers think you meant?
Who knows? As a male teen, I had no idea of, nor cared about, hot flashes or menopause.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: Bleck. Good advice from Amy.

LW2: Ha! I like how PEllen put it.

LW3: Touchy, touchy, Amy.

Team itser.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Oct 15, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L1 Interesting that Amy had a "pop in" father. That probably explains her tendency to man bash.
She said "parent." But I agree, that explains a lot.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Oct 15, 2013
L1: What else can you do? Amy does have this one right.

L2: Darlene can take care of herself.

L3: Telling your medical status to students is not professional.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: What Amy said.

LW2: MYOB. Let Bob and Darlene handle it. It doesn’t concern you, busybody.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#11 Oct 15, 2013
And, here it's a tie between RACE and PEllen for
first place, with close seconds from Squishy, Toj and Sublime.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Oct 15, 2013
Good job, folks!
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#14 Oct 15, 2013
LW1: This is why you don't have children with irresponsible men. I hope your daughter makes better choices as she matures. Team Amy.

LW2: I think Darlene wants to handle this her own way, but I agree with PEllen that you are allowed to give Bob the cold shoulder and the "stink eye."

LW3: What Toj said.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Oct 15, 2013
1: Hey, you married a druggie now want to act like you solo created the little human. She will want to know, so tread lightly. Being a B like many women do will only bring her resentment and drive her awya later. She will find out he's a POS if he is to her.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#16 Oct 15, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L1 Interesting that Amy had a "pop in" father. That probably explains her tendency to man bash.
Actually, I don't think she started to man-bash until her first husband cheated on and left her (shortly after she started writing this column, I believe).
Amy is completely provincial, incapable of seeing anything except through the prism of what she has herself experienced, She is an embarrassment to the woman who came before her and, IMHO, a total POS as an advice columnist.
Advice Reader

Oakland, NJ

#17 Oct 15, 2013
1. Basically what Amy said. But in my opinion you should present the card to your case worker as he violated the no contact ruling. This rule was created to protect your child from a dangerous criminal. Let your advocates be the source of communication between you and your daughter, and the sperm donor (takes much more than that to be a dad). Don't contact him yourself.

2. OMG. Make friends with people who don't create so much frigging drama.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Oct 15, 2013
Julie wrote:
<quoted text>
Actually, I don't think she started to man-bash until her first husband cheated on and left her (shortly after she started writing this column, I believe).
Amy is completely provincial, incapable of seeing anything except through the prism of what she has herself experienced, She is an embarrassment to the woman who came before her and, IMHO, a total POS as an advice columnist.
I didn't know that. Was it in her book or did you hear about it somewhere else?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#19 Oct 16, 2013
If the father was dangerous, I could agree with you, but I think the absence of this being mentioned in the letter shows this not to be the case.
If the case worker gets involved, there is a good chance that he may also have violated his probation, and this unintentional breach could send him back to the slammer for years, and ruin any chance of him turning his life around.

For all we know, the guy may realize he now has something and someone to stay straight for.
Advice Reader wrote:
1. Basically what Amy said. But in my opinion you should present the card to your case worker as he violated the no contact ruling. This rule was created to protect your child from a dangerous criminal. Let your advocates be the source of communication between you and your daughter, and the sperm donor (takes much more than that to be a dad). Don't contact him yourself.
2. OMG. Make friends with people who don't create so much frigging drama.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Oct 16, 2013
Race, you sound like a dam liberal. Whatever the reason, there's a no contact decree. Lady should inform the court.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#22 Oct 16, 2013
No, you do. instead of using your own brain and a little common sense, you just absolve yourself to the wisdom of the Govt.

Lemming.
edogxxx wrote:
Race, you sound like a dam liberal. Whatever the reason, there's a no contact decree. Lady should inform the court.

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