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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 17, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have siblings, divorced and remarried parents, extended family, in-laws and a baby on the way.

Holidays have unfortunately become an emotional wrestling match to see who can guilt us into spending actual Christmas Day with them. For many years, I have celebrated "Christmas" on random days in December and January to accommodate the family schedule. Some years we attend up to seven gatherings.

Our house is under a huge renovation right now; otherwise I would host a gathering, but still the responsibility seems to have fallen on my shoulders to nudge everyone into picking dates.

My mother is upset that my in-laws have asked us over for dinner Dec. 25. She is refusing to choose a date to get together.

Having and hosting one big dinner for everyone is not logistically possible, and my parents have each said they would prefer not to share the holiday with others.

Sometimes I feel our families are acting like children, and it's getting exhausting. What's your suggestion to create family peace and joy at Christmastime?-- Tired of December Drama

DEAR TIRED: You don't "feel" your adult family members are acting like children; they are acting like children (this is not really debatable). And you are being a bad "mommy" to all of these disparate family members -- trying to accommodate all of them -- even as they rudely refuse to cooperate.

This sort of scenario is sadly typical of some families during the holidays, but it is fundamentally twisted, and in your case, things won't change until you are brave enough to stake your claim and value your own happiness, health and holiday energy during an extremely stressful time.

Ask yourself, "What do I want?" And act accordingly. You and your husband should reorient yourselves toward your own immediate family. Others can function on their own behalf and arrange for a time to get together that is convenient for you. This also means managing their own disappointment if Santa doesn't give them exactly what they want.

DEAR AMY: I have known my neighbor, "Brandy," for 12 years.

We've had a casual friendship from the start, but I notice that if she gets drunk she gets sexually aggressive toward me.

At first I chalked it up to the fact that some people just get crazy when they get drunk, and I've tried to accept this about her. The problem is that this behavior is mainly directed at me -- and not other men who are around.

At a recent party, she tried to drag me into the bedroom. She grabbed my hair, tried to kiss me and screamed, "I love you" (among other things) while drunk.

When confronted (while sober), she denied this happened and claimed she blacked out. She also said I had invited her to do this. I cannot drink alcohol for medical reasons and would never invite this.

Am I missing something here, or is this merely a case of someone's drunken self not being on the same wavelength as her sober self.-- Sober

DEAR SOBER: "Brandy" has sexually assaulted you. She is obviously capable of violence (and harassment). Whether she is drunk or sober should be something for the police to determine after they arrest her.

Perhaps you don't want to press charges at this time, but if this ever happens again, you should call the police. Warn her by telling her these advances are unwelcome and will not be reciprocated. She needs help; perhaps being arrested will give her an incentive to give sobriety a try.

DEAR AMY: "Sad After All These Years" has a story familiar to me. My parents were married for 25 years. My mother is an addict. She abused me, my father and my brother.

My brother and I watched my father forgive and try harder with each and every relapse and infidelity of my mother's. As difficult as it is, "Sad" needs to create a new life for himself; otherwise this pattern will repeat itself.-- Grew Up Young

DEAR YOUNG: Sadly, I think you may be right.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Dec 17, 2013
2- Dude, what's wrong with you? Are you gay? Hit that.

Unless you're a woman. In that case, just don't be around her when she drinks.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Dec 17, 2013
1 Holiday rehash of holiday stress. But you got a good answer so, Merry Christmas.

2 So are you asking how to make her stop, or if its ok to bang her while she is drunk? Think of her as a present that smells like burbon. Merry Christmas.

3 Yup, I agree. Merry Christmas

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Dec 17, 2013
1. You have a week. Find a charity who needs help on Christmas Day like a soup kitchen. Do that. Invite anyone else to join you. Then go home to visions of sugar plums i dancing in your head. Alone.

2. Around here we have these things called cell phones. Everyone has one. They have cameras. Ask one of your buddies before hand to video Brandy when she is all over you. Then when she is sober, show her. Don't transmit the video. Just show her. Then delete it.

Or, get a girlfriend who will run interference, or if the Dog's suggestion is accurate, get your boyfriend to warn her off.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Dec 17, 2013
Lw2: wtf? Sexual assault? Violence? Police? Sickening that amby would even suggest such nonsense.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Dec 17, 2013
LW1 - Why can't people just be nice? Trade off years or have Christmas events on Christmas eve and Christmas day. These nutty relatives seem to think if you aren't celebrating at exactly 11:03 am on Christmas Day all is lost. But I did like Amy's answer.

LW2 - Brandy has dual personalities. Why are you even around her when she is drinking? Stop asking her to your parties. If she shows up at someone else's party, just leave. She is a legal problem waiting to happen.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Dec 17, 2013
And directed at a woman no less!
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: wtf? Sexual assault? Violence? Police? Sickening that amby would even suggest such nonsense.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Silver Spring, MD

#8 Dec 17, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: wtf? Sexual assault? Violence? Police? Sickening that amby would even suggest such nonsense.
I actually give Amy credit for that. If the sexes were reversed and it was a dude behaving that way toward a woman, Amy's advice would have been the same

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#9 Dec 17, 2013
L1. I'll be home for Christmas, if even only in my dreams.
Blunt Advice

Union, NJ

#10 Dec 17, 2013
1. Go on vacation ay christmas time. Actuall pellen has a great idea to volunteer.

2. Move. Or just dont go to parties where she will be.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#11 Dec 17, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Holiday rehash of holiday stress. But you got a good answer so, Merry Christmas.
2 So are you asking how to make her stop, or if its ok to bang her while she is drunk? Think of her as a present that smells like burbon. Merry Christmas.
1: We don't celebrate the holidays and our respective families learned this about 40 years ago. So no hassle for us. I feel sorry for folks going through this. Why don't they simply arrange a gathering or two for each "family" at different times of the year? I know, what works for some people won't work for others. They all need to grow up.

2: Race, what you're suggesting could make him end up in jail. I think that nowadays, a person who is drunk is considered a person incapable of making rational decisions and can't give legal consent. So you shouldn't have sex with someone who's drunk as they did not give legal (I think that's the term) consent. Save yourself the trouble of ending up talking to the police.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Dec 17, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I actually give Amy credit for that. If the sexes were reversed and it was a dude behaving that way toward a woman, Amy's advice would have been the same
and it eould have been just as ridiculous
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#13 Dec 17, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: wtf? Sexual assault? Violence? Police? Sickening that amby would even suggest such nonsense.
So if some guy were to behave toward your wife, sister..... in this way, it would be ok with you? Why should a man have to put up with this either? Doesn't a man have the same rights as a woman? At first, I thought Amy might be overreacting and then I thought again. If this happened once and the person apologized and really looked like he/she felt awful about the behavior, I'd say give the person a pass this time. If it's something that happens repeatedly even after seeing a video as suggested by PEllen, I'd say the police should be called.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Dec 17, 2013
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
1: We don't celebrate the holidays and our respective families learned this about 40 years ago. So no hassle for us. I feel sorry for folks going through this. Why don't they simply arrange a gathering or two for each "family" at different times of the year? I know, what works for some people won't work for others. They all need to grow up.
2: Race, what you're suggesting could make him end up in jail. I think that nowadays, a person who is drunk is considered a person incapable of making rational decisions and can't give legal consent. So you shouldn't have sex with someone who's drunk as they did not give legal (I think that's the term) consent. Save yourself the trouble of ending up talking to the police.
he did not recommend videotaping them having sex, but videotaping the way she is aggressively coming onto him while drunk. That way she can't deny it when confronted after sobering up.
And as far as being drunk means you can't consent, there's a lot of drunk people taking advantage of EACH OTHER after heading home from the bars every night.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#15 Dec 17, 2013
LW1: This very situation is why, around certain family members, we wish each other a merry f*cking christmas. The stress takes all the joy out of the season. Do not let people guilt trip you into doing something you really don't want to do.

Or since you're pregnant, you can do like I did one Christmas. I got so sick with the flu that I was briefly hospitalized. Time it right and you could get out of everything.(I was well enough to attend my family's christmas eve celebration, but I spent it in a recliner sipping ginger ale.)

LW2: I gotta agree with Tonka that the suggestion of involving the police is a little extreme. I would go the avoidance route and don't be alone in a room with this woman.

LW3: White
pde

Palatine, IL

#16 Dec 17, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW2: I gotta agree with Tonka that the suggestion of involving the police is a little extreme. I would go the avoidance route and don't be alone in a room with this woman.
I would normally say that involving the police is a little extreme, except that Brandy accused the LW of "inviting" the behavior when confronted. That brings me to the opinion that should this happen again, an outside person may be necessary to witness.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Dec 17, 2013
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
So if some guy were to behave toward your wife, sister..... in this way, it would be ok with you? Why should a man have to put up with this either? Doesn't a man have the same rights as a woman? At first, I thought Amy might be overreacting and then I thought again. If this happened once and the person apologized and really looked like he/she felt awful about the behavior, I'd say give the person a pass this time. If it's something that happens repeatedly even after seeing a video as suggested by PEllen, I'd say the police should be called.
He does not need to put up with it. Nor should my wife or sister. That does not mean a crime has been committed. She's an obnoxious drunk with a crush on him. Involving the police in this scenario, regardless of gender, is way un-called for as far as I'm concerned.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#18 Dec 17, 2013
She's drunk, not unconscious. It's how she lets her inhibitions down.
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
2: Race, what you're suggesting could make him end up in jail. I think that nowadays, a person who is drunk is considered a person incapable of making rational decisions and can't give legal consent. So you shouldn't have sex with someone who's drunk as they did not give legal (I think that's the term) consent. Save yourself the trouble of ending up talking to the police.
pde

Palatine, IL

#19 Dec 17, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>He does not need to put up with it. Nor should my wife or sister. That does not mean a crime has been committed. She's an obnoxious drunk with a crush on him. Involving the police in this scenario, regardless of gender, is way un-called for as far as I'm concerned.
At this point, I would view involving the police as more about protecting himself (if the LW is a man) from any accusations from Brandy after the next time. Especially given what happened with his attempt to confront her while sober.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Dec 17, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
At this point, I would view involving the police as more about protecting himself (if the LW is a man) from any accusations from Brandy after the next time. Especially given what happened with his attempt to confront her while sober.
i think recording her behavior with a cell phone would be plenty protection. I bet he could even record it himself without being secretive and having his friends do it. As drunk aggressive as he's describing her, he could probalbly ask her straight up what she wants to do with him and she'd answer.

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