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“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#22 Jun 19, 2013
Yeah, well shows what I know about baby/bridal showers.
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
The mother should not create the invite list for baby showers, just as the bride should not create the invite list for wedding showers.
The person who arranged both of those for me, asked my husband for contact information for anyone he thought should be invited, and he provided it as he felt necessary.
pde

Palatine, IL

#23 Jun 19, 2013
RACE wrote:
Yeah, well shows what I know about baby/bridal showers.
<quoted text>
It's not the way it always goes, particularly nowadays, but I'd still give it about a 50% chance that the DIL was not involved in the invite list for the baby shower.

Which is why I have to roll my eyes at that particular complaint. And for not seeing the nursery ... how does she know they even have one put together yet? We didn't get ours put together until the OB warned me I could deliver early, and "the nursery" was a unchanged-from-before room with a crib and rocking chair in it. In fact, we left the grownup bed that had been in there along, and the kid now uses it as his regular bed.
pde

Palatine, IL

#24 Jun 19, 2013
Yes, somebody is leaving the LW "out" here. But I don't think we have anywhere near enough information to determine if the daughter-in-law is attempting to isolate the son from his family, or the son simply doesn't care enough to chose to maintain his connections with his family.

The DIL has no responsibility to establish her own connections with the MIL if it's the second case.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#25 Jun 19, 2013
pde wrote:
Just to give you my husband's perspective on his parents ... my husband is currently looking for a job. We are willing to relocate for his job, in fact, we probably will be relocating in the next six months.
He was talking to his father about it, and his father said "Oh, there are all these companies down in Dallas which would be a perfect fit for you!"
My husband just looked at him, and said "There is no way we are moving to Dallas. There is no way we are moving anywhere near Texas. Just no."
Heh. I take it he's FROM TX and doesn't want to live there again? Or is it, he doesn't want to live so close to his parents?
pde

Palatine, IL

#26 Jun 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Heh. I take it he's FROM TX and doesn't want to live there again? Or is it, he doesn't want to live so close to his parents?
He's from northwest Indiana. His parents moved to Texas while he was in college, and for a whole host of what most people in their extended family consider rather bad reasons. Now they are kind of stuck down there because his father is convinced that if they keep holding onto the house, someday it will prove to have been a good investment. "Cut your losses" isn't a concept that they believe in.

He doesn't want to live that close to his parents. His parents and both of his sets of grandparents had what he considers to be unhealthy relationships--all three families living within blocks of each other and never respecting each other's privacy, everyone in-and-out of each other's houses on an hourly basis--and he believes that if his parents lived within any reasonable driving distance of us, they would probably start to behave the same. I mentioned the "snooping" problems we have when they stay with us in another thread a few days back.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#27 Jun 19, 2013
As one poster around here will probably point out....
"He gives Texas a bad name"
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Heh. I take it he's FROM TX and doesn't want to live there again? Or is it, he doesn't want to live so close to his parents?
EJG

East Hampton, CT

#28 Jun 19, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
DEAR ABBY: My son married a sweet girl three years ago, and I thought we would become a close family. I haven't bothered them at all. Since then, she has become cold and distant to me. My son rarely calls or comes around.
They are expecting their first child soon. I have been left out of all the excitement of the baby. She has not invited me to the baby showers or to see the nursery, etc. I know it's not all about me, but I would like to be included.
My side of the family doesn't seem to matter to her or my son. Because he doesn't stand up for me, I fear I will never get to be close to my grandchild. I don't want to upset them, but how do I handle this?-- SAD GRANDMA-TO-BE
DEAR SAD: Talk to your son about your feelings, and ask if there is a reason for his wife's behavior. Then ask if he wants you to be a part of his child's life, because the way things are going, it doesn't appear to be the case. That you haven't been invited to the baby showers is terrible, but nothing will change until you bring your concerns out into the open.
I'm sad to say your problem isn't unusual, and it usually happens in marriages where the husband is afraid or unwilling to talk about uncomfortable subjects and prefers to avoid confrontation.
LW1 does not mention her son's father. What kind of relationship did the 3 of them have? Could Sad be using her DIL as the person she can blame a nonexistent, bad relationship on? Could it be that her son told his wife things that have turned his wife against his mother? Without more facts, that's what it sounds like to me.

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