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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 19, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My son married a sweet girl three years ago, and I thought we would become a close family. I haven't bothered them at all. Since then, she has become cold and distant to me. My son rarely calls or comes around.

They are expecting their first child soon. I have been left out of all the excitement of the baby. She has not invited me to the baby showers or to see the nursery, etc. I know it's not all about me, but I would like to be included.

My side of the family doesn't seem to matter to her or my son. Because he doesn't stand up for me, I fear I will never get to be close to my grandchild. I don't want to upset them, but how do I handle this?-- SAD GRANDMA-TO-BE

DEAR SAD: Talk to your son about your feelings, and ask if there is a reason for his wife's behavior. Then ask if he wants you to be a part of his child's life, because the way things are going, it doesn't appear to be the case. That you haven't been invited to the baby showers is terrible, but nothing will change until you bring your concerns out into the open.

I'm sad to say your problem isn't unusual, and it usually happens in marriages where the husband is afraid or unwilling to talk about uncomfortable subjects and prefers to avoid confrontation.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a widower for 15 years. I had kids at home, so restarting romantic life wasn't a priority after my wife died. Ten years later, I realized I was no longer interested in women, and my love life since then has been with men. While I have never been vocal about it with family and friends, I assume they all probably know.

A couple of months ago, one of my male friends -- much younger than I and from my poker group -- came to my home to take me to lunch. I had always assumed he was gay. I made a pass and ended up seducing him. He was a great sex partner, but he changed his mind about going to lunch afterward. He has never shown up for poker since and no one has heard from him.

I feel bad, but I am not ashamed and I would never say anything that would lead anyone to know what happened. Should I contact my former friend and reassure him? He's a good man and I worry about him.-- MISSING A FRIEND IN MIAMI

DEAR MISSING: The man you seduced may not have been as comfortable with gay sex as you assumed he was. Try to contact him once, but if he wanted to see you again, he wouldn't have disappeared. My advice is to leave it at that because it appears he isn't interested in another round of poker -- or anything else -- with you.

DEAR ABBY: I have discovered that the man I have been seeing for several years has been stealing money from me. There is no question in my mind that it's him. What is the best way to confront him? It breaks my heart, but I need to give him a chance to be honest about this.

I care for him as a person but no longer trust him. I know he's going through a lot right now, but so are a lot of us. Please guide me. I don't do confrontations well.-- USED IN INDIANA

DEAR USED: If you have proof of what he has done, a way to approach it would be to discuss with him in a public place that money has disappeared -- and you would like his "help" in figuring out where it went. Depending upon his response, you may have to take specific action by involving your lawyer, your CPA or the police.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Jun 19, 2013
1- Talk to your son. This woman is controlling and abusive and trying to isolate him from his family.

2- See? The mutt is right again. Not only is this a case of a man choosing to be gay later in life, but also of a gay man turning a straight man.

3- He wouldn't have to steal from you if you weren't so tight and controlling with the purse strings. He's probably "stealing" his own money, anyway.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jun 19, 2013
1 .. I haven't bothered them at all. Since then, she has become cold and distant to me...

...usually happens in marriages where the husband...

How the hello is this the husbands fault? Their two grown ass adults.
Man Bashing
Man Bashing
Man Bashing...

2 Great, you dont feel bad about ruining your friendship with sex. Well, guess what? He does.
No different than if this were a hetro encounter.

3 Put your purse in a bear trap

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jun 19, 2013
L1: So buddy up to your DIL. What's the big deal?

L2: Weird. Weird weird weird. Let it go.

L3: Steal something valuable of his and hock it to get some of your money back, and be sure to DUMP HIM AND CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. I had a neighbor who was stealing from his live-in girlfriend. Once she told me about this (she needed to talk to me because he was using me as alibis when trying to cover his tracks), I shunned him. I doubt he cared, though.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jun 19, 2013
RACE wrote:
.
2 Great, you dont feel bad about ruining your friendship with sex. Well, guess what? He does.
No different than if this were a hetro encounter.
I agree. And it's just a weird story!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Darby, PA

#6 Jun 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree. And it's just a weird story!
At least when he told his dying wife he could never love another woman....

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Jun 19, 2013
Ha!
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
At least when he told his dying wife he could never love another woman....
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#9 Jun 19, 2013
LW1 - That phrase, "I haven't bothered them at all" bothers the heck out of me. It's just so odd. Why mention the bothering? Maybe I am reading too much into this, but somehow, it triggers a suspicion in me that Sad Grandma is not telling all the truth there is to tell. Was she an abusive or neglectful mother? An addict or an alcoholic? Did she ruin her son's previous relationships by meddling? Something about this letter doesn't sit right with me, and I think the coldness and distance are justified, but the LW is hiding this fact.

LW2 - What Race said.

LW3 - DUMP him. Yesterday. Change your locks, and if he has had access to your computer and you do any financial work on it, make sure to change all your passwords, get new cards, etc.
pde

Palatine, IL

#10 Jun 19, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 .. I haven't bothered them at all. Since then, she has become cold and distant to me...
...usually happens in marriages where the husband...
How the hello is this the husbands fault? Their two grown ass adults.
Exactly, they are two grown adults.

My husband's relationship with his mother and father is HIS to maintain. I've never talked to my MIL or FIL on the phone, and have no desire to. They are welcome to come to any family events we hold, but it is my husband's responsibility to contact and invite them. They are welcome to come stay with us if they are in the area, but it is my husband's responsibility to set that up and arrange it.

I have a perfectly nice set of parents who I manage my immediate family's relationship with. I don't need another set of parents.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Jun 19, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW1 - That phrase, "I haven't bothered them at all" bothers the heck out of me. It's just so odd. Why mention the bothering? Maybe I am reading too much into this, but somehow, it triggers a suspicion in me that Sad Grandma is not telling all the truth there is to tell. Was she an abusive or neglectful mother? An addict or an alcoholic? Did she ruin her son's previous relationships by meddling? Something about this letter doesn't sit right with me, and I think the coldness and distance are justified, but the LW is hiding this fact.
LW2 - What Race said.
LW3 - DUMP him. Yesterday. Change your locks, and if he has had access to your computer and you do any financial work on it, make sure to change all your passwords, get new cards, etc.
I don't read it that way. I think she is a socially unassertive person who does not want to be a stereotypical interfering MIL and has gone too far in the other direction.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Jun 19, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>I don't read it that way. I think she is a socially unassertive person who does not want to be a stereotypical interfering MIL and has gone too far in the other direction.
That was how I read it as well.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Jun 19, 2013
LW1: Maybe you need to make more of an effort to be close to your DIL. Go shopping, go out to lunch do girl stuff. My mom and my wife do that stuff. She has more contact with her than I do.

LW2: Ack. Move on.

LW3: DTMF
pde

Palatine, IL

#14 Jun 19, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>I don't read it that way. I think she is a socially unassertive person who does not want to be a stereotypical interfering MIL and has gone too far in the other direction.
And as I kind of ranted above, I wonder if the DIL takes my view of the situation (his family is his to manage) and the son is lazy or disinterested in doing so.

My MIL recently tried to gripe at me that we hadn't been down to visit them in Texas in years, and I kind of shrugged and said "That's because your son doesn't care to set it up." I'm not going to go plan a trip to Texas.

And after that, my husband planned and took the kid down to Texas for spring break, probably because his mom then griped at him. Success, MIL. Blame the right person, please.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Jun 19, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
And as I kind of ranted above, I wonder if the DIL takes my view of the situation (his family is his to manage) and the son is lazy or disinterested in doing so.
My MIL recently tried to gripe at me that we hadn't been down to visit them in Texas in years, and I kind of shrugged and said "That's because your son doesn't care to set it up." I'm not going to go plan a trip to Texas.
And after that, my husband planned and took the kid down to Texas for spring break, probably because his mom then griped at him. Success, MIL. Blame the right person, please.
"PDE, none of my side of the family has gotten TY notes for the wedding gifts they gave you."

PDE: "Well, MIL, that's because we divided them into his side and my side. My side's done."

It's 2013. Some things are going to take a long time to change!
pde

Palatine, IL

#16 Jun 19, 2013
Just to give you my husband's perspective on his parents ... my husband is currently looking for a job. We are willing to relocate for his job, in fact, we probably will be relocating in the next six months.

He was talking to his father about it, and his father said "Oh, there are all these companies down in Dallas which would be a perfect fit for you!"

My husband just looked at him, and said "There is no way we are moving to Dallas. There is no way we are moving anywhere near Texas. Just no."
pde

Palatine, IL

#17 Jun 19, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
"PDE, none of my side of the family has gotten TY notes for the wedding gifts they gave you."
PDE: "Well, MIL, that's because we divided them into his side and my side. My side's done."
It's 2013. Some things are going to take a long time to change!
We did exactly that--he did the TY cards for his side, and I did the TY cards for mine.

And if any side was going to complain about lack of TY cards, it would be mine. ;) Because I didn't even bother to send them to the people on my list who I know think that TY cards are a total waste of paper.

But that is almost 15 years in the past now.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Jun 19, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly, they are two grown adults.
My husband's relationship with his mother and father is HIS to maintain. I've never talked to my MIL or FIL on the phone, and have no desire to. They are welcome to come to any family events we hold, but it is my husband's responsibility to contact and invite them. They are welcome to come stay with us if they are in the area, but it is my husband's responsibility to set that up and arrange it.
I have a perfectly nice set of parents who I manage my immediate family's relationship with. I don't need another set of parents.
word

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Jun 19, 2013
So, did your MIL go to your baby shower(s)(if you got kids) If not, would you not invite your MIL, expecting your husband to do that if you ever did have one?

Were not talking about girly stuff here, not visits or phone calls. Well phone calls were mentioned, but thats not the real point.
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly, they are two grown adults.
My husband's relationship with his mother and father is HIS to maintain. I've never talked to my MIL or FIL on the phone, and have no desire to. They are welcome to come to any family events we hold, but it is my husband's responsibility to contact and invite them. They are welcome to come stay with us if they are in the area, but it is my husband's responsibility to set that up and arrange it.
I have a perfectly nice set of parents who I manage my immediate family's relationship with. I don't need another set of parents.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#20 Jun 19, 2013
WE ARE TALKING....
sheese RACE wake the f* up!
pde

Palatine, IL

#21 Jun 19, 2013
RACE wrote:
So, did your MIL go to your baby shower(s)(if you got kids) If not, would you not invite your MIL, expecting your husband to do that if you ever did have one?
Were not talking about girly stuff here, not visits or phone calls. Well phone calls were mentioned, but thats not the real point.
<quoted text>
The mother should not create the invite list for baby showers, just as the bride should not create the invite list for wedding showers.

The person who arranged both of those for me, asked my husband for contact information for anyone he thought should be invited, and he provided it as he felt necessary.

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