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Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#41
Nov 2, 2012
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
No, not regarding weight and other similar issues that may or may not have health links. Because my MIL does this (and she's tactful), yet has ruined multiple relationships with it. No matter how tactfully you say it, there are certain things which are obvious to everyone and expressing concern, no matter how tactfully done, is nothing more than being an intrusive busy-body.
Weight is a touchy issue for a lot of people. We are talking about a college-age woman. I doubt if her health is in serious jeopardy at this point. Better to just stay silent on the matter for now. She will lose weight when she's ready to.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#42
Nov 2, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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What's it matter if she's 70 pounds overweight or 35? THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The point is, she's put on weight and her parents are concerned about it.
Hate to keep picking on my dad cause we do love him, but he still treats my sister like she's not a grown ass woman and needs his input on everything. It got to the point where she just started to ignore his calls cause she didn't feel like dealing with him. Learned this because someone else called her from a different phone right after he called and got voicemail. She picked the other person up. And this is what happens in the real world when parents try to insert themselves in their adult children's lives in unwelcome ways. Turn off. Tune out.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#43
Nov 2, 2012
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
No, not regarding weight and other similar issues that may or may not have health links. Because my MIL does this (and she's tactful), yet has ruined multiple relationships with it. No matter how tactfully you say it, there are certain things which are obvious to everyone and expressing concern, no matter how tactfully done, is nothing more than being an intrusive busy-body.
I do believe that 70 pounds in 2 years is excessive. If it's 10-20 pounds I wouldn't say a thing. Then you're just being picky. I don't know what my threshold of speaking up would be. I think it would depend upon the person and how much weight in what small time frame. 70 pounds in 2 years? Yes, I would -- unless I knew they were healthy for the most part and just chowing down on the wrong, high calorie things.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#44
Nov 2, 2012
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Is he an adult? Yup.
I place it in the context of my own life. If my dad or mom got on me about being too fat, I would tune them out.
Here's one that's not health related. My garage is a mess. And it seems to bother my dad more than me. And he's brought it up on more than one occassion. "why don't you clean it? When are you gonna clean it? Blah blah blah"
I knew it was a mess before he pointed it out to me, so its not like he's breaking the news to me. I want to clean it out. But its not a priority to me right now. Him nagging me about it is not going to get me to make it a priority any faster. It will become a priority when *I* make it a priority.
Maybe listening to people nag you and point out your failings are a motivating factor to you, but to me, its just a signal to tune people out.
A GOOD parent would be concerned about their child's health.

Just saying.

And clean your dam garage. Have a little pride in the things you own.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#45
Nov 2, 2012
 
My motto is, the only welcome advice is that which is solicited. Unsolicited advice is almost always unwelcome.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#46
Nov 2, 2012
 
edogxxx wrote:
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A GOOD parent would be concerned about their child's health.
Just saying.
I don't think anyone (well, maybe Tonka, haha) is saying that parents shouldn't be concerned about their child's health. But gaining a little bit of weight is way different than gaining a huge amount of weight, both health-wise and parent-buttinksky-wise.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#47
Nov 2, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
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I don't think anyone (well, maybe Tonka, haha) is saying that parents shouldn't be concerned about their child's health. But gaining a little bit of weight is way different than gaining a huge amount of weight, both health-wise and parent-buttinksky-wise.
Agreed.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#48
Nov 2, 2012
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
My motto is, the only welcome advice is that which is solicited. Unsolicited advice is almost always unwelcome.
Constructive criticism? People offering their advice? If someone says "Hey, Tonks, you might want to have that throbbing lump on the side of your neck looked at," you'd chalk it up to unsolicited advice and write them off? When your dad suggests you should mow your friken lawn and clean your garage, and get some diapers for your kids, you tell him to screw off because you didn't specifically ask for his input?

We don't always see our own bollixes, bud. Sometimes we need an outside opinion to shine a light on something. I wouldn't be so quick to write off unsolicited advice.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#49
Nov 2, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
But gaining a little bit of weight is way different than gaining a huge amount of weight, both health-wise and parent-buttinksky-wise.
Would you consider 70 pounds a little or a lot?
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#50
Nov 2, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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Would you consider 70 pounds a little or a lot?
It depends on where she started from.

In my early 20s, I put on 30lbs over about 6 months. That took me from being considered rather underweight re: bmi to considered within the normal range. I happen to know that I was only at 13% body fat during my teens while 18% is recommended as a minimum for female teenagers, because I had been tested at one point; right now I tend to be at about 22%, which is low-normal for my age cohort. For whatever reason, I'd never hit the puberty weight gain during my teenaged years. I got it all in 6 months during my early 20s.

If I'd put on 70lbs at that point, I still wouldn't have gotten to overweight on my bmi, although I would have gotten to the top of normal.

My husband also did about the same thing during his early twenties, putting on about 40lbs and going from being a very skinny dude to being far less scrawny.

If she was delayed in her puberty weight gain--and her father's reference to her always been rather slender is something to consider there--then, at least part of that weight gain might be non-concerning. Being slender is not always healthy and the overly slender tend to balance at some point in young adulthood. 70lbs is the on the high end if her body did that, but a doctor is going to look at her bmi and body fat percentages as they are today to determine whether the gain is something to be concerned about.

And if she's not concerned enough about it to consult a doctor herself, her father butting in about it is going to do nothing but create antagonism between the two of them.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

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#51
Nov 2, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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Would you consider 70 pounds a little or a lot?
A lot.

My point was that if her clothes, while tight, still fit, there's no way she could have gained that much. Even 20 lbs makes you go up a pants size.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#52
Nov 2, 2012
 

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edogxxx wrote:
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Constructive criticism? People offering their advice? If someone says "Hey, Tonks, you might want to have that throbbing lump on the side of your neck looked at," you'd chalk it up to unsolicited advice and write them off? When your dad suggests you should mow your friken lawn and clean your garage, and get some diapers for your kids, you tell him to screw off because you didn't specifically ask for his input?
We don't always see our own bollixes, bud. Sometimes we need an outside opinion to shine a light on something. I wouldn't be so quick to write off unsolicited advice.
There's a difference between tellin me something I might not know("Hey, did you know you got a lump on your neck?") and offering unsolicited advice on a topic that the other person is obviously aware of("Hey, you've put on weight. That's not really healthy. Why don't you do something about that?")

Do you go up to smokers and tell them that smoking is bad for them? Think they don't already know? Think they welcome your advice? Think hearing about it from YOU is gonna instigate change?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#53
Nov 2, 2012
 

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More on unsolicited advice.

How many parents here got unsolicited advice from THEIR parents and welcomed it. How many parents have read a book, taken a class, consulted a doctor, etc, and made decisions on how to handle certain situations, but those decisions were not in line with how their mother did things 30 years ago and therefore mom dismisses the new parens decisions and try to push their own method as "the right way to do it"? After all "that's how I did it and nothing bad happened to you!"

I'm looking ight at you Pellen.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#54
Nov 2, 2012
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>There's a difference between tellin me something I might not know("Hey, did you know you got a lump on your neck?") and offering unsolicited advice on a topic that the other person is obviously aware of("Hey, you've put on weight. That's not really healthy. Why don't you do something about that?")
Do you go up to smokers and tell them that smoking is bad for them? Think they don't already know? Think they welcome your advice? Think hearing about it from YOU is gonna instigate change?
While I have no problem spouting off advice here, I pretty much keep things to myself with people.

There are exceptions.

I was sitting in my mother's backyard with my child. It was one of those kid pools, three ring blow up pool. It was a hot summer evening (it was about 7 o'clock) and my mother had her feet dangling in the pool sitting on a chair.

All of the sudden she complained about one side going numb and feeling strange. I wanted to call 911. I even got my father. No, she said, she was fine. She promised me she would call her doctor the next day. I figured she was lying, she was afraid of doctors. I got the name of her doctor by asking her, well what's his name and what are his office hours. I said it casually.

But I didn't want to be a buttinsky if she was going to take care of it. Next day when I talked to her on the phone she hadn't yet "had the chance" to talk to the doctor. Her speech was a little slurred.

I looked up her doctor and called him. Amazingly, I got him directly. I relayed what happened, told him how she refused to go to the hospital and how she hadn't yet even called him. I told him I understood doctor/patient privilege; however, if he could do anything I would greatly appreciate it. He said, don't worry I will take care of it right now.

He called her. In a stern voice he told her to get to the hospital NOW. She had had a stroke. She did b/c he said so.:) She regained some on her left side with therapy. If she had gone right away she probably would have regained all of it. If I hadn't been a buttinsky, she could have died.

So there are certain situations where I say go ahead and hate me for the rest of your life, I'm going to do what I feel I have to do.

Would I go that far for someone who gained 70 pounds? No. But I probably would ask how they've been feeling, take note of certain things and ask them if they'd go get an annual check-up with me b/c I think it would be a good thing for both of us to find out bp, cholesterol and what-not.

There are ways. I would find one. ;)

I butt in if my adult child's house was dirty (not hoarder dirty), garage a mess or if they gained 70 pounds over 10 years. You just have to use common sense.
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#55
Nov 2, 2012
 
Toj wrote:
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I butt in if my adult child's house was dirty (not hoarder dirty), garage a mess or if they gained 70 pounds over 10 years. You just have to use common sense.
And what magic do you expect the doctor to do about those 70lbs over 10 years? After the doctor ran thyroid tests and insulin resistant tests (which are standard bloodwork in many offices when you get an annual exam anyhow), what beyond recommend "eat healthy and get some more exercise" do you expect the doctor to do?

Heck, my GP has gained what I'd estimate to be 70-100lbs over the 15 years I've been seeing him. He used to be pretty thin and in-shape, he is not anymore.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#56
Nov 3, 2012
 
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
And what magic do you expect the doctor to do about those 70lbs over 10 years? After the doctor ran thyroid tests and insulin resistant tests (which are standard bloodwork in many offices when you get an annual exam anyhow), what beyond recommend "eat healthy and get some more exercise" do you expect the doctor to do?
Heck, my GP has gained what I'd estimate to be 70-100lbs over the 15 years I've been seeing him. He used to be pretty thin and in-shape, he is not anymore.
Ha! BIG, big typo. It was suppose to say that's what I would NOT do. Sorry! I'm sure you thought I was crazy. In 10 years, 70 lbs. my point was, not a big deal (although I typed it wrong). 70 lbs in 2 years is a bigger deal is all.
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#57
Nov 3, 2012
 
Toj wrote:
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Ha! BIG, big typo. It was suppose to say that's what I would NOT do. Sorry! I'm sure you thought I was crazy. In 10 years, 70 lbs. my point was, not a big deal (although I typed it wrong). 70 lbs in 2 years is a bigger deal is all.
Ok, definitely was confused ;)

But (let's start here with the assumption that the daughter IS rather overweight and has gained between 70lb and 140lb over two years) the reality is that should it be determined that there isn't a medical reason behind her weight gain, there's very little a doctor can or will do.

It's pretty likely that even her blood pressure, fasting glucose, cholesterol, etc are all perfectly healthy and normal at this point because the affects on those are generally the results of long-term high weight, not short-term high weight. So those test results probably won't be enough to "scare" her into any changes. It'll probably be supporting evidence for "See, I told you I'M FINE, you interfering busy-body."

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#58
Nov 3, 2012
 
pde wrote:
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Ok, definitely was confused ;)
But (let's start here with the assumption that the daughter IS rather overweight and has gained between 70lb and 140lb over two years) the reality is that should it be determined that there isn't a medical reason behind her weight gain, there's very little a doctor can or will do.
It's pretty likely that even her blood pressure, fasting glucose, cholesterol, etc are all perfectly healthy and normal at this point because the affects on those are generally the results of long-term high weight, not short-term high weight. So those test results probably won't be enough to "scare" her into any changes. It'll probably be supporting evidence for "See, I told you I'M FINE, you interfering busy-body."
It could be a thyroid problem and I disagree that her blood pressure would be normal but we won't be there and we're not her so we wouldn't know it is just a disagreement between us and it will stay that way. That's too much weight in a short period of time for your body to assimilate. I don't believe you should "scare" someone but educate them. What you could find out is that something is NOT wrong and that would be good and if something is wrong you can take steps to fix it (like thyroid problems).

This is not about looks -- it's about health.

I'm not saying you should convince someone to go to the doctor to say "I told you so!" but rather convince someone to get a check-up to make sure they are okay.
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#59
Nov 3, 2012
 
Toj wrote:
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I'm not saying you should convince someone to go to the doctor to say "I told you so!" but rather convince someone to get a check-up to make sure they are okay.
And I'm just saying that has a high likelihood of backfiring.

I know lots of rather heavy people who have better blood pressure readings than I do. High blood pressure is a risk of being overweight, not a guarantee. Some percentage of people who are overweight will develop high blood pressure, and that percentage is higher than the percentage of people of average weight who will. It is not, nor anywhere near 100% of people who are overweight.

Here, the risk of high blood pressure is 80 percent higher in the overweight population than the average population. That does not mean that 80 of the overweight population will develop it--it's a percent difference calculation. What that means is that if say, 10% of the average population will develop high blood pressure, about 23% of the overweight population will develop high blood pressure (10%->23% is 79% difference).
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#60
Nov 3, 2012
 
Hmm, now that I've done the above, I realize that I can't remember if they tend to use a percent difference or a percent change calculation when coming up with those numbers from studies.

So percent difference: 10% of average, 23% of overweight.

Percent change: 10% of average, 18% of overweight.

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