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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 2, 2012
DEAR AMY: Many years ago, I remember hearing that if you love someone, you should let the person know (because you never know when something can happen and you'll never see the person again).

I'm wondering -- are there exceptions to this? Let me describe the following scenario. I'd like to hear what you think.

A married man who has a good marriage to Lady A meets Lady B. Lady B is married, but the man doesn't know what kind of marriage Lady B has. He has never met Lady B's husband. The man falls in love with Lady B but has never told her that. The man wants to make sure his feelings for Lady B are real, and after knowing her for more than two years he realizes his feelings are genuine.

Should the man tell Lady B how he feels about her?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: In your letter, the man -- let's call him you -- doesn't know "what kind of marriage 'Lady B' has." In this particular situation you should not view marriage as an institution that lends itself to variety.

Even though we all know that no two marriages are alike, for the purposes of this discussion you should look upon marriage -- your own, for instance -- as an important, fragile and delicate institution that needs to be appreciated and protected. A gentleman respects and protects not only his own marriage, but the marriages of people he cares about.

Meaning: Don't mess with someone else's marriage. Honor your own.

However, I know well how hot burneth this flame. You sound determined to declare your love. Keep in mind, your feelings may well be unrequited. Expressing them may cause embarrassment for both of you. Prepare yourself for that. But, most important, if you want to declare your love for Lady B, you'd better deal with your feelings about Lady A first.

DEAR AMY: I am the father of a wonderful 22-year-old daughter. She is still living at home, working and going to school. She has a boyfriend.

I'm worried about her weight. She has gained quite a bit over the past two years since meeting her boyfriend. She was always a slender child, but I would guess she is about 70 pounds overweight now. My wife has made comments to her about her clothes not fitting and has suggested she go to a gym. My wife told me not to say anything to her.

What do you think?-- David in California

DEAR DAVID: You, your wife and your daughter should face this together and take this weight gain seriously. Gaining 70 pounds over two years is extreme. Your daughter's health is at risk.

You and your wife should speak with her together. If she has always been slim and is now heavy, she may not understand how to modulate her eating. She could also be using birth control, which might cause some weight gain, or she might have a potentially serious underlying health condition.

Don't treat this like an embarrassing, loaded and shameful issue. Your daughter is a young adult, and she should be educated, informed and in charge of her health. Ask her to make an appointment with her health care provider for a thorough checkup.

DEAR AMY: "Nice Guy" has an elderly neighbor who asks him to take out her garbage every day and never says "thank you."

It is truly a shame that this action by an old lady would give him anxiety, but, that being said, may I suggest the following: It sounds like the old lady sits by the window waiting for the Nice Guy to come home. I suggest that when she sticks her head out the door and asks him to take her garbage out, his answer should be, "Only if you say 'please,'" and see what she says. I believe he will get his "please" and will hear it in the future.

But even if she doesn't comply, he should take the high road. It's only garbage.-- Mr. D

DEAR MR. D: I have a feeling you're a "Nice Guy" too.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Nov 2, 2012
1- what a loser.

2- what a bunch of shallow jerks. Obesity isn't something to be ashamed of anymore. It's the 21st century, be tolerant of of others, accept them for who they are, don't shun them for not looking like barbie dolls. How sickening.

3- If taking out garbage causes you anxiety, you're a loser.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Nov 2, 2012
1.Give him props for not having said anything thus far and not having acted on his feelings towards Lady B. You can't always help how you feel, but you do have control over how you act.

2.She is 22.She knows. Why are the LWs associating this with her boyfriend- do they have food orgies in the family room after the parents go to bed? Have they found used Twinkie wrappers under teh remote?

3. Th original LW reacted inappropriately. A neighbor who lurks and asks you to take out garbage might cause irritation, but anxiety is strange

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Nov 2, 2012
PEllen wrote:
2.She is 22.She knows. Why are the LWs associating this with her boyfriend- do they have food orgies in the family room after the parents go to bed? Have they found used Twinkie wrappers under teh remote?
Maybe he's wondering if she's pregnant.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Nov 2, 2012
LW1: You are a friggin moron looking for Amby's blessing to cheat. Go f yourself.

LW2: MYOB. She's a grown ass woman. She has a mirror. She knows what she looks like. Hearing it from you is not going to be some big revelation to spur on change. Hell, she's got a boyfriend. I think most people would be more concerned with how their significant other views their body than how their parents do.

LW3: I must have missed the first serving of this rehash. Hope it was better the first time around. Sucks today.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Nov 2, 2012
L1: Only a coward would tell Lady B how he feels while still married to Lady A. It's called having 'soft landing." So if you REALLY love Lady B, tell your wife. Then she can kick you out and you'll be free to pursue this married woman. Even if you don't tell your wife, divorce her. Because she deserves someone who loves her, not another woman.

p.s. I do not like you.

p.p.s. The "Tell someone you love them" advice is about telling your mom you love her before she dies, not telling some married woman you're in love with her, you dingus.

L2: Last I read, the research showed that birth control does NOT cause weight game (and if it were to do so, it would be more like five pounds, not 70). But this *could* be a thyroid problem or some other medical condition, so she should see a doctor. But be prepared to find out that she's just eating very poorly and not getting any exercise based on her busy schedule.

L3: I didn't see this guy's problem with helping out what appeared to be an elderly neighbor who needed some assistance that wasn't much sweat off a young, healthy person's back.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Nov 2, 2012
L1: What Tonka said. And my advice is to go to the kitchen, find the meat scissors, and cut off your own dick.

L2: Birth control can cause a slight weight gain of 10 - 15 pounds. Seventy is a huge number in two years so either she's been eating like it's going out of style or has a medical issue.

L3: What edog said.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#8 Nov 2, 2012
1 Yes, but all means. Proclaim your love for her, then step in front of a bus.
2 The boyfriend did it. If she breaks up with him, she will slim down to enter the dating pool again
3 Since when do old peeps get a pass on rude?
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#9 Nov 2, 2012
Lw3: if she was a slender child (particularly an overly slender child) and she's suddenly put on a lot of weight, she needs her thyroid levels fully tested. It's not unusual for someone who might have been slightly hyperthyroidic as a child--thus resulting in the slenderness--to go hypo when she hits her twenties.

Although, does anyone else thing that dad also might not be the best gauge of weight per visual inspection? In my experience, most men aren't. I and my sister are only about 20lbs different in weight but we've had a lot of guys guess that she was 50-70lbs heavier than me. She's nowhere near 200lbs, more like 140-150lbs. She carries her weight differently though.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#10 Nov 2, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: MYOB. She's a grown ass woman. She has a mirror. She knows what she looks like. Hearing it from you is not going to be some big revelation to spur on change. Hell, she's got a boyfriend. I think most people would be more concerned with how their significant other views their body than how their parents do.
The parents have a valid concern. Would your advice be the same if their child was having a significant amount of weight loss? Massive changes in weight are a cause for concern. Any GOOD parent would try to find out what's going on.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#11 Nov 2, 2012
Also, to be 70lbs *overweight* would indicate that she's put on more than 70lbs (or that the person making the claim is talking bs).

Let's say that because she was slender, she was at a lower bmi for her height. Let's presume she is 5'5" and was 115lbs (bmi 19.1).

To reach a bmi of 25 (entry point to overweight), she would have to weigh 150lbs, so that's a weight gain of 35lbs.

To reach a bmi of 30 (obesity), she would have to weigh 180lbs (an additional 30lbs).

So, if she put on 70lbs over her starting weight of 115, she would be at 185lbs and obese. But she'd only be ~35lbs "overweight", not 70lbs overweight, if overweight is defined as the amount you are over a bmi considered normal.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Nov 2, 2012
pde wrote:
So, if she put on 70lbs over her starting weight of 115, she would be at 185lbs and obese. But she'd only be ~35lbs "overweight", not 70lbs overweight, if overweight is defined as the amount you are over a bmi considered normal.
So maybe she weighs 240. Why is this even an issue?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Nov 2, 2012
LW1: I going with what Red said for $50. With a YIKES! for jmw, even though I agree.

LW2: I'm thinking that pde might be on to something. If the girls was really skinny to begin with, then she might not be as overweight as dad is saying.

Either way, the girl should get this weight issue under control before she starts having kids,'cause it will be all over after that.

LW3: Please, will you stop running stupid rehashes? Thank you.

Do you think that will work? Yeah, neither do I.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#14 Nov 2, 2012
squishymama wrote:
LW1: I going with what Red said for $50. With a YIKES! for jmw, even though I agree.
Heh. This letter just ANNOYED me so much. Yeah dude, you're so subtle. No one knows what you're REALLY asking. And yeah, it's okay for married guys to tell married chicks that they love them.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#15 Nov 2, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
So maybe she weighs 240. Why is this even an issue?
Because, there's actually major difference between her gaining 70lbs and gaining 125lbs?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Nov 2, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
The parents have a valid concern. Would your advice be the same if their child was having a significant amount of weight loss? Massive changes in weight are a cause for concern. Any GOOD parent would try to find out what's going on.
I stand by what I said. She's not a child. She's fully aware that she's overweight. Hearing about it from dad is not going to be helpful. It will come across as nagging.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#17 Nov 2, 2012
RACE wrote:
2 The boyfriend did it. If she breaks up with him, she will slim down to enter the dating pool again
Or maybe he LIKES curvy girls?!

Since: Nov 10

New York, NY

#18 Nov 2, 2012
LW2- I don't think she gained 70 pounds. If she did, her clothes would not be ill fitting - she wouldn't be able to get them on. I bet she gained maybe 20 pounds and the dad is overestimating. Unless she's been hitting the weights and gained a lot of muscle.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Nov 2, 2012
L1: I'm with Red. Go ahead and tell your wife first. Then tell Lady B and I hope Lady B kicks your butt to the curb and you're left crying in your beer.

L2: It doesn't matter exactly how much weight she gained, obviously it's a lot in 2 years. If I was her parent, I'd encourage her to get a thorough check-up and support however way she needed to get it under control (whether it's a medical condition that needs meds or an issue with too much junk food).

L3: I don't remember this one.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#20 Nov 2, 2012
Renee J wrote:
LW2- I don't think she gained 70 pounds. If she did, her clothes would not be ill fitting - she wouldn't be able to get them on. I bet she gained maybe 20 pounds and the dad is overestimating. Unless she's been hitting the weights and gained a lot of muscle.
Excellent point.

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