Beirne Avenue resident reports home burglarized while he slept
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama -- A Beirne Avenue resident reported a thief entered his home while he remained asleep and took some property, according to Huntsville police.
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#1 Jan 7, 2013
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama -- A Beirne Avenue resident reported a big strong very black thief of a man entered his unlocked home while he acted like he was asleep, fondled his tushy, dropped a load on his back, took some property, then smiled and left - according to Huntsville police.
The victim, a "bruddah on the down low", lives in the 200 block of Beirne, which is on the lower "bad" poor mixed-race side of Andrew Jackson Way up next to the interstate - as opposed to the upper "good" wealthy all-white Old Town District side where the police patrol on a regular basis, told officers the theft occurred some time before 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning and seemed to have gone on forever. The police report did not list any property stolen from the resident, but because the blacks were involved, they said it was probably his stolen 60" flat screen plasma HDTV along with his stolen Xbox including the latest version of Grand Theft Auto 3D in Sensa-Round 9.2 Surround Sound with Mega-Earth-Quake mode.
It was one of 420 home and business burglaries uselessly reported by the pathetic citizens living on the crime-ridden north-side of The Rocket Citay (aka Huntsvegaz) since early Sunday morning, while dozens of local police, SWAT, and STAC Drug Eradication Teams were keeping around-the-clock surveillance on the big red neon Krispy Kreme fresh donuts sign across the street from their secretive vantage point at the new Dunkin Donuts.
Here's a very short list of local crimes - you can be rest assured that there were many many more you will never ever hear about, thanks to local realtors paying off this news papers publisher:
400 block Bremerton Drive; forced entry through front door at 1:30 a.m. Friday; $4,500 96" flat screen 3D HDTV plasma television,$800 iPhone,$750 .38-caliber Ruger LCR pistol (with a really cool red laser), and $950 iPad computer; unknown amount of damage to owners broken face.
3000 block Patton Road; forced entry through front door of apartment at 2 a.m. Saturday; $225 Blue-Ray DVD player; not too much facial damage on this one.
100 block Slacker Court; forced entry through front door at 2:30 a.m Saturday; $2,200 ASUS notebook gaming computer,$400 Playstation; $800 Blue-Ray DVD player,$800 PS3 games, and $15,600 in gold & diamond jewelry in a priceless 800-year old antique solid-gold jewelry box from The 5th Crusades, presently being traded for $20 worth of crack cocaine and a blow job to some dope peddling nyg gurh driving a metallic purpal Escalade rollin on dubs wit a bump in da trunk... rapin yoe yoe yoe andda bling blang blong!
Country Club Road; forced entry through front door at 3 a.m. Friday; $350 sets of Oster & Andis "Nappy Hair" model Extreme Duty Hair & Wire Clippers along with five collector black-power fist afro pics slightly used & signed by Questlove ; unknown amount of damage to owners nappy watermelon hairstyle and pride.
Edible Arrangements, 5000 Whitesburg Drive; armed robbery Saturday night; tens of thousands of dollars in cash & some dark chocolate was reported stolen, and a half dozen people were tied up & beaten senseless with 36" extra-veiny doubledongs.
The Huntsville Times
"news as it happens, three days a week"
#2 Jan 7, 2013
WHERE'S BOBBY JOYCE WHEN YA NEED HIM?
CRIME IS RAMPANT IN MY CITY!!! WHERE'S DAN SMEBBERFIELD?
#3 Jan 7, 2013
Did the assailants bring the "36 inch extra-veiny doubledongs" to the armed robbery, or was it part of some kind of "Bachelorette Party" arrangement that Edible Arrangements sells? Just curious...
#4 Apr 1, 2013
This crap needs more imagination. Get a damn job and quit playing f##ktard.
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