Husband lying about smoking
Expect Honesty

Wake Forest, NC

#41 Oct 8, 2007
John Stuart Mill wrote:
You’re all speaking with passion on such trivial issues. Perhaps, he simply can’t quit and wishes to hide his embarrassment. One can’t simply command someone to quit and expect immediate results. The fault rests entirely on you if he smoked entering into the relationship. You should have realized smoking is an addiction not easily forgone. Why is smoking an inviolate sin? Sure, it will in all probability reduce his life expectancy, but why should that matter. If your husband chose to eat McDonalds every lunch break would you chastise them. I believe people should make their own choices regarding health. In every case they aren’t smoking near the irritated party. Almost everyone has secrets and lies to protect them. I’m sure you’ve lied to your husband about expenses, nights out etc. Are woman exempt because men are less interested in interrogation and subterfuge. I don’t think anyone can honestly say they never lie. That admission completely invalidates the slippery slope argument. Plus, you mustn’t forget the power of addiction. No relationship is perfect. Do you wish absolute control over your husbands? Why can’t you compromise on something so minor? Is it time for a paternalist movement? Ok, that was a joke, but most of you lack perspective. Wait…what’s that? O sorry my wife just informed me more than 2 hours on the computer leads to migraines.
Lying is lying. Lying is wrong. I smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day when I quit. I can assure you, I could have cared less what people thought about it. The fact is - a lie is a lie. There is NO justification for lying. It's just plain wrong. I can't understand why all you men are so afraid of your little wives.
Expect Honesty

Wake Forest, NC

#42 Oct 8, 2007
John Stuart Mill wrote:
Again, I think you mainly feel this way due to cultural forces. If you told him to eat health would you feel as “betrayed” if he secretly ate McDonalds at lunch? I would argue that the McDonalds would have possibly worse heath ramifications. Obesity is a gradual decline that requires increased medical care. Your husband would merely destroy his heart rather than lungs. Plus, lung cancer is quick; heart problems and obesity are more likely to turn him into a burden…a vegetable. Of course, that find acceptance among Americans because most suffer from obesity. Many of you complaining about you husbands smoking may be obese. Perhaps, he should feel the same about your weight. I used this as an example to illustrate the absurdness of regulating another’s health.
BOY John - You must REALLY be hooked huh?
Expect Honesty

Wake Forest, NC

#43 Oct 8, 2007
John stuart mill wrote:
Also did you consider shame as a factor? He doesn’t want to smoke, but may have little control over it. A lack of control over one’s self generally illicit such feelings. If you confront him reasonably he may be more receptive. I implore you all to stop vindictive actions. Simply, go to your husband tell them you know and are ok with it. You know he probably wants to quit, so explore other options with him. Tell him about substitutes such as gum or a patch. If you state this in nonjudgmental manner they will listen. If they know you support them they will feel free to try a variety of proven quitting methods. Plus, the best way to exercise real power is the carrot not the stick.
Why are you on this board John? Did you get caught lying about smoking?

“English, please?”

Since: May 07

London (not that one)

#44 Oct 10, 2007
Smokers are addicts.

Addicts lie.

Enablers let them.

Don't enable.

“English, please?”

Since: May 07

London (not that one)

#45 Oct 10, 2007
Sick of the LIES wrote:
Just over the last two days, I've found MORE dip hidden - in places I knew they were not hidden. On place was a coat pocket I'd just emptied days before, yet my husband swears he didn't put it there. Another place was in the laundry room, where I saw it sitting (and left it, just to see what he'd do) and then just a couple of hours later - after he'd gone in there - it was UNDER some clothes in the hamper, obviously hidden. I am so sick of the lies.... I don't see how I can believe __anything__ he says when he lies about that stuff. I've even asked him (nicely - not confronting him) about it, and he continually lies. I'm so sick of it.... I just wish he'd get out of my life at this point. What else is he lying about???? It makes me doubt everything he ever has said. It makes me see he has no character when he continually lies. That's not the type of man I want to be around.
When you find it, take it. Hide it and save it up. Then present it to him for his birthday--gift-wrapped.
Leah

Lulu, FL

#46 Oct 10, 2007
I honestly think that it depends. You should remind him of how you feel and tell him about what little backbone/willpower this makes him seem to have. And also, if you arent the pushy wife that I hope you are not, you should talk to him and ask him why he felt the need to sneak around and lie to you. And remind him that this makes him seem like he would sneek around about other things.
Leah

Lulu, FL

#47 Oct 10, 2007
Sick of the LIES wrote:
Just over the last two days, I've found MORE dip hidden - in places I knew they were not hidden. On place was a coat pocket I'd just emptied days before, yet my husband swears he didn't put it there. Another place was in the laundry room, where I saw it sitting (and left it, just to see what he'd do) and then just a couple of hours later - after he'd gone in there - it was UNDER some clothes in the hamper, obviously hidden. I am so sick of the lies.... I don't see how I can believe __anything__ he says when he lies about that stuff. I've even asked him (nicely - not confronting him) about it, and he continually lies. I'm so sick of it.... I just wish he'd get out of my life at this point. What else is he lying about???? It makes me doubt everything he ever has said. It makes me see he has no character when he continually lies. That's not the type of man I want to be around.
You really seem to be very controlling. I would hide my habit from you as well.

“English, please?”

Since: May 07

London (not that one)

#48 Oct 10, 2007
Leah wrote:
<quoted text>
You really seem to be very controlling. I would hide my habit from you as well.
You don't think you should keep your promises to your mate?
Jim Young

Phoenix, AZ

#49 Oct 10, 2007
Try this, a new product that I have tried and it works. it's a smokeless cigarette that has only nicotine no tobacco or carcinagins. No second hand smoke and craves my nicotine craving. Great product. smokewhenuwant.com . The comapnys name is smartfixx
Sick of the LIES

AOL

#50 Oct 11, 2007
Leah wrote:
<quoted text>
You really seem to be very controlling. I would hide my habit from you as well.
I don't see how you gleaned that opinion from my post. I'm totally not a controlling person, and even if I was a controlling person, my husband is not one to be controlled - trust me.

My husband and I have had many heart-to-hearts about this issue (telling the truth, and how important it is to me). He has made it clear that he just doesn't get it about the lying issue. He thinks that if he denies it, even if he's lying, then I should just believe it. However, when I've found evidence of his habit hidden even within my own belongings (i.e., under my pregnancy clothes, or in MY closet)- even when I'm not looking for it - he says he has absolutely NO clue as to how it got there and that he has never seen it before; and then he proves he's lying by saying it is definitely not his, then I feel really betrayed. I would think that another woman might understand that feeling of betrayal. He has actually said that perhaps someone ELSE came into our house and planted it there. That is truly the words of a liar. And I just can't help wondering what else he'd lie about.

When your husband starts lying to you about something, make sure you post on here how pleased you are with the fact that he's lying to you, and show us all how understanding you are. Then try to convince yourself that you believe everything else he says.

One lie = ok
One lie + being caught + lying to get out of it OVER and OVER and OVER = ridiculously stupid
MuleSkinner

Center, MO

#51 Oct 11, 2007
My husband lied to me about cigs when we were dating.......promised to quit before we married and did quit............started again after we married........that was l8 years ago.........I resent his manipulative ways, hate the way it smells, hate everything about cigarettes.......And, he's a doctor.........go figure.........
Mohan

Salt Lake City, UT

#52 Oct 13, 2007
If you are really that upset about the lying (i Sick of:

If you are really upset about the lies (I must admit he is doing an incredibly bad job at hiding it... it makes me think that he almost wants you to find out) then you should confront him about it and give an ultimatum. That is the only way. If you really love him, then you'll be up front (not confrontational, but not backing down either) with him.

The slippery slope argument (that if he lies about this then he must be lying about something bigger) is totally bogus. Loving people don't work that way (and I think your husbands are loving people). They will hide things that they feel are trivial (like smoking, or eating at McDonalds) but not bigger things like affairs or losing his job. I agree that it is in human nature to lie. It just is. Maybe you don't keep important things from your spouse, but everyone has their little secrets that nobody knows. We keep them to ourselves because we deem them so inconsequential, that the only thing that can from from revealing it is embarrassment. So, if it really bothers you then confront him... but accept that with everyone comes lies. Its the degree that a person is willing to be deceitful (someone who is not faithful in a marriage should be shown the door- no excuses), but accept that everyone has faults. I probably don't make much sense, but I'm trying to.

“English, please?”

Since: May 07

London (not that one)

#53 Oct 15, 2007
Mohan wrote:
The slippery slope argument (that if he lies about this then he must be lying about something bigger) is totally bogus. Loving people don't work that way (and I think your husbands are loving people). They will hide things that they feel are trivial (like smoking, or eating at McDonalds) but not bigger things like affairs or losing his job. I agree that it is in human nature to lie. It just is. Maybe you don't keep important things from your spouse, but everyone has their little secrets that nobody knows. We keep them to ourselves because we deem them so inconsequential, that the only thing that can from from revealing it is embarrassment. So, if it really bothers you then confront him... but accept that with everyone comes lies. Its the degree that a person is willing to be deceitful (someone who is not faithful in a marriage should be shown the door- no excuses), but accept that everyone has faults. I probably don't make much sense, but I'm trying to.
Addicts lie. First they lie about their addiction, then they lie about money, then they use your disaproval (even if you don't know) as an excuse to cheat (Well, Sally doesn't judge me...)

Cigarettes cost money, and money that goes to his habit won't pay the bills. I'd say the same thing if his addiction was working out at the gym or feeding the homeless--these days it's essential to be completely honest about finances.

But you can't get past the simple fact that lying is also a habit--and a hard one to break, not to mention the kind that will destroy relationships.

And if she's complaining to him about his smoking, he knows it's not "inconsequential".
Daisy

Brampton, Canada

#54 Oct 18, 2007
My boyfriend also quit smoking when we first started going out..on his own...and he stayed smoke free for 5 months and then he started smoking these lille cigars...primetimes and I hate it. Well he made it more of a weekend thing. That was months ago that he quit and whenever I ask him if he had one og those cigar things that day he always says "no". He comes home smelling like smoke from work "because the guys smoke" and when he goes to his buddys house he smokes as well and he says it is from that. I have found cigarette packs in his car ... but it all could be true.....I have asked him so many times and I am afraid it is right and I am wrong. But I still have that suspicion that he might be...What do I do? He can always use those excuses then and he could be smoking behind my back forever and I wouldn't know it. I mean we have a pretty good relationship but I am scared he's lying.
Feeling betrayed

Reading, PA

#55 Oct 21, 2007
It's not about the tobacco, it's about the lying. My husband also lies to me about quitting chewing tobacco. He told me that he quit 4 months ago. I've been very supportive, asking him how it's going, and each time he told me that it's been hard, but so far, he's been successful. Then last night, I found out that he's been doing it again, and lying about it. It was his idea to quit, and I've been trying to support him the whole time. Why would he lie to me?? I also feel that he may lie about other things as well. These things may seem "trivial" to some of you, but I feel that you shouldn't lie to the person who you are married to. I was hoping that we were in this together, just like everything else in our lives, but he has obviously decided that he doesn't want to be in it with me. I feel that I can no longer trust him, and I no longer feel close to him. I feel betrayed. Advise please...
Sick of the Lies

AOL

#56 Oct 21, 2007
Feeling Betrayed - just wanted to say - I know how you feel. I think MOST of us here do.

“English, please?”

Since: May 07

London (not that one)

#57 Oct 21, 2007
You always wonder what ELSE he's lying about.
Oscar

Spring, TX

#58 Nov 5, 2007
The way I see it, smoking is a wonderful thing. You probably won't agree, I don't smoke because of an addiction, I smoke because I like the way it tastes, it's relaxing, soothing and it calms me down. If I want to smoke, I should be able to, and I respect people who aren't smokers, but don't try to make me quit. I'm not going to, it's something I like to do.

“English, please?”

Since: May 07

London (not that one)

#59 Nov 6, 2007
Oscar wrote:
The way I see it, smoking is a wonderful thing. You probably won't agree, I don't smoke because of an addiction, I smoke because I like the way it tastes, it's relaxing, soothing and it calms me down. If I want to smoke, I should be able to, and I respect people who aren't smokers, but don't try to make me quit. I'm not going to, it's something I like to do.
So you understand loving your tobacco more than your spouse?

Tell us again how you aren't addicted?
Sick of the Lies

AOL

#60 Nov 6, 2007
Oscar, in case you didn't read the previous posts, most of us don't have the problem so much with the smoking.(You can kill yourself early if you want to.) Our beef is with the way our spouses/significant others LIE to us and say they are NOT smoking, when they really are. The lying is the problem. I have learned in life that it's best to accept that smokers have a chip on their shoulders, so I don't tell anyone "not" to smoke. I just can't stand it when someone looks me in the eye and lies through their yellow, tobacco-stained teeth, and say that they're not smoking (or doing some form of tobacco), when I can smell it on their breath and/or I can find a pack hidden somewhere they think I won't find it.
Smoke all you like, but don't expect your spouse to appreciate it if you lie to her about it.

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