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421 - 440 of 494 Comments Last updated Jul 20, 2014
Sam

Goshen, IN

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#429
May 7, 2012
 
I have been smoking for the last several months, doing everything I could to hide it from my wife. I would eat mints constantly, use ridiculous amounts of lotion and cologne, and lie every time she told me I smelled like smoke. Last night she found a pack of cigarettes in my car... She confronted me, crying hysterically, and basically told me that I was a selfish jerk who was choosing smoking over my family. At the time, I felt that she was being irrational and over-emotional. I knew that she was more mad about the fact that I have been lying to her than the smoking itself, but I kept telling myself that she was overreacting. Millions of people smoke right? Then I started to think about how I would feel if things were switched and I finally caught her in a lie I knew she had been telling me for months. This thought caused me to search for posts such as this. I now have some understanding of the immense pain I have caused her to feel. I absolutely hate myself for what I have done. I am done smoking and will never hurt her again but how do I fix the damage I've already done? I know that my actions have destroyed the trust she had in me; the trust that is essential to a healthy marriage. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were before. Aside from the obvious (quit smoking, no more lies, etc.) how can I prove to her that I deserve her trust?
sparrow

Springfield, MA

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#430
May 18, 2012
 
For those of you who are under the mistaken impression that your husband is "disrespecting" you because he has a problem with smoking, let me reassure you that he is NOT trying to disrespect you. As a matter of fact it is not about you. Take it from a person who has struggled with smoking (me)- smoking is an ADDICTION!!(And a very powerful one, at that.) Addiction does not respond to threats or pressure. Please listen - that only makes it worse. Most people can only quit when there is NO pressure or stress. Your marriage vows are not about leaving a person or putting him on a huge guilt trip because life isn't the picture perfect scene that you hoped it would be. It is about sticking with a person through thick and thin. If you truly love your spouse, sit him down and ask him if he wants to quit. I can nearly guarantee you that he will say yes. Then ask him what you can do to help him do that. I suggest getting an e-cigarette or a Ploom. They mimic smoking but it is just water vapor with nothing harmful in it. Also, try Chantix. It really works. Most people take seven or eight tries before they quit. Be patient and supportive, and DO NOT NAG HIM! It will stress him out so bad he'll smoke MORE! Encourage him to wean down to less than half the number of cigarettes that he currently smokes, then take Chantix and move to the e-cigarette. If I can do it, he can too. But YOU need to know that quitting is a very complex and difficult thing, and it is going to take every bit of patience that you can muster up. The whole process could take up to a year and a half, but it will be worth it. He may need to go on an anti-depressant, especially if he uses the Chantix. PLEASE help him, not judge him.
sparrow

Springfield, MA

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#431
May 18, 2012
 
Also, Just wanted to say that those of you who think you can't trust your spouse need to listen to this. Your spouse may be quite trustworthy, even if he has lied about smoking, because smoking is an addiction,(it is the addiction talking), and you may have backed him into a corner where he feels helpless. He may see it as a near impossibility to stop. An ADDICTED person wants to stop being controlled by the dependency of nicotine, but they really don't know how to get free of it, and don't know how to promise you they will - even though they desperately want to. When you demand it of them, they are trapped with seemingly no way out. If you want the blunt truth - it simply can't happen under the pressure of what others demand, and your spouse must believe that he has made the choice for himself. You are setting both of yourselves up for failure when you demand that he quits. Instead, help him to see that there is some real help available, and you are going to be part of the solution. He could start by switching to organic tobacco cigarettes to get him off of the highly addictive additives in prepackaged cigarettes. Then reduce the number he smokes per day, then go on Chantix, which truly makes you not want a cigarette, and then get and electronic cigarette. This will do the trick. You should not lose faith in your husband just because he tried to hide his problem. He wants to please you. Encourage him to tell you how he did each day, and if he blows the plan on one given day, do not rant and moan. Tell him one bad day won't wreck his plan, and tomorrow will be better. His stress level will drop, and he will believe in himself if you do. I'm telling you - I was a die-hard smoker. This WILL work. God Bless you.
desperate

Mugla, Turkey

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#432
Jun 3, 2012
 
i got the same lies all over again for 3 years,..i always knew and had doubts of my husband smoking and was always right about that. but he kept on lying sometimes when i could not clearly tell if he has had a cigarette while at work. for so many times he had looked into my eyes with such a judgement that he is not smoking and i still do not trust him --- but the truth was HE WAS STİLL SMOKİNG and making me feel guilty about my suspitions at the same time. we had so many fights and this is not just about cigarettes , its about trust and lies and hurting the one you love by betraying cheating. all i do is i care for his health and i really want him to set a good examplee for our baby daughter.

so he said he had quit... for what now 7 months , but i have my doubts again. he is lying again to me. i hate lies ,... i hate that i cannot completely trust him, he's so not minding anything... i even think he has never truly loved me ever... and it hurts... i know for sure i would neve lie to him, and if he cares for my health (which he does not do) i wouyld listen to his advice and do anything to make him happy and in peace... but what i got from him is a bunch of lies , broken promises and broken wove--- makes me ask- WHERE İS LOVE? and it is not only about smoking , it's everything--- he left my dog to live on a street--- and i cry and cry -- so cold hearted --- i cannot believe this is the man i married .... and he lies so much and breaks every promise he has made to me ... İ SO DO NOT TRUST HİS AT ALL ANY MORE... AND all that he says, if i do not trust him there is the end of our marriage ... but heyyyyyy HE İS THE ONE WHO MADE ME SO DOUBTFULL AND HAS DONE NOTHİNG BUT LYİNG ALL OVER AGAİN ... WİLL İT NEVER END GEEEE
Kayla

Albemarle, NC

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#433
Jun 4, 2012
 
All I can say is u think u know someone. I live with my boyfriend I'm a stay at home mom. I'm putting clothes up and in his dresser there r cigs?! He quit years ago. I ask him about it he said he domes sometimes. I was like why r u hiding it from me he said if he was hiding it they wouldn't b in his dresser. He had them in the back under clothes so yes that's hiding them. I said if ur not hiding it and u have been smokin for a month why have i not seen it. He sai he smoks goin to work or on break.Then he gets mad at me for being mad at him? What the heck. A month ago he talked to another girl for a day on Facebook and I saw the messages she lives states away. He said he would meet with her it was an ex of his he failed to tell her I was pregnant with his child or even mention me. Now he is smoking. I'm sick of lies and secrets. Idk what to do anymore
Upset not mad

Oldham, UK

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#434
Jun 7, 2012
 
It's not just men that do this and women who get mad.

When I met my now wife, we were very open with each other about what we wanted and didn't want. Having both had disasterous previous relationships we emptied the issues bag pretty early to clear the air (or so I thought).

I was very honest about smoking and simply said I did not want to be with someone who smoked. This was for many reasons, health of the person (no way I wanted to pour my heart out as my wife and mother of my children needlessly dies etc), the taste of it, the smell of it, I struggle with just seeing girls smoke. It really is a turn off and I find it so unattractive. I also associate it with a certain type of person and often is associated to other traits which I don't much care for either.

Anyway, after a long distance relationship with this person she moved in with me. It wasn't long before she had created reasons to buy cigars (because I'd said I smoked them at functions like the young fool I was back then). It was clear as she munched through a pack that they were for her.

As time went on I suspected her of buying them for herself, so I sneaked about and found all sorts. I confronted her. She lied. I got mad (mostly about the lieing) she told the truth. We discussed it etc. Things haven't changed much. Four years later and married she stills smokes (behind my back).

Everytime she works from home she smokes (when i'm not there), when I out for anything more than an hour she smokes. It's not a thing of leisure like she says, it's when i'm not there. She tells me she doesn't smoke at work, but I know she takes cigs and a lighter, I know she buys them because I've seen the screwed up receipts when she'd be at work. Her family smoke and so do some of her friends.

It's obvious the only person she doesn't do it in front of is me.

The real issue I have is I told her before we even hooked up how I felt about it. She told me she had done in the past but had quit. Turns out having spoken to her friends and family she told them not to offer her ciggarettes in front of me when I was visiting her back in the long distance relationship dating days because she didn't want me knowing. This is hard to accept as essentially she has never given me the freedom of choice to decide what's important to me. I got involved in her and only knew when she had left her job and moved in.

It makes me unhappy and I find it hard to trust her. She can look you in the face and tell you the biggest lies without blinking. Had I not known the real answer I'd have believed her.

One time she atually gave me her cigarrettes over and asked me to keep them for her, telling me she didn't trust herself and I had to stop her. I told her this made me very uncomfortable and got upset about it. She let me go on with this, feeling guilty and controlling. I then had this feeling and I checked the bin where she had thrown papers away. Sure to be a receipt for cigs was there bought about 30 minutes before she gave her old open pack to me. I felt even more cheated, she had deliberately gone out of her way to trick me. Without any sort of need.

We both want kids but I've said she has to quit. She thinks I think she has, but I know nothing has changed.

As a side point, she is also very flirty with other guys and this coupled with the lieing about ciggarrettes makes it hard for me to trust her.

I don't think I'm in the wrong or trying to control her. I have only wanted to validate my suspicions when I've been investing a lot of emotional and financial effort in someone. Yes I deserve to be given what I clearly asked for in the first place.

Maybe I should have broke up with her in the early days of all this nonesense as I knew it wouldn't change and always bug me. In this case I was then one with the clarity of situation and should have dealt with it. I guess I only have myself to blame for feeling the way I do.
Resentful

Kansas City, MO

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#435
Jun 22, 2012
 
My husband is a self first lying manipulator. The person I married was a lie, he doesn't even exist. I married a non smoker, told him I wouldn't be married to a smoker. He had "quit" and was doing well on chantix. I was 3 months pregnant when we married. Had I known a small fraction of what I know now I'd have ran the other direction. He's an addict who has no intention of quitting, liar, has to take care of himself first at all cost. If it came down to gas, groceries, daycare...anything, he chooses to take care of his needs first, daily. I'm a better mom & person in general when he isn't around. He puts as much effort into maintaining or quitting smoking as he does into this family. Dragging us all down. One thing I think smokers forget is that just because you've showered or brushed your teeth doesn't mean you are clean or don't smell repulsive. At night it seeps out of your poors, makes the bed, covers, clothes & car riek with second hand smoke, even when you smoke outside. It is like making out with an ash tray. I've repeatedly asked my husband not to smoke an hour or two before bed bc I can't stand the smell & he wont do it. It is the biggest turn off and I have zero desire to be anywhere near him.
We always hear about how hard it is to quit addictive blah blah, but since they don't have a clue what it is like on the other side to live with a selfish ass who stinks and will take care of himself first no matter who it hurts in the process. We can't afford for him to smoke. Pack a day is minimum $150 a month, double for two packs & most smokers drink to. So add another $100 a month for a moderate to light drinker. That's ridiculous. It would pay car payment or daycare or grocery bill. Selfish! I have zero respect for my husband & others who put thier habit before thier family. It disgusts me.
I hate smoking. It has ruined my marriage.

Since: Jun 12

Dewsbury, UK

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#436
Jun 24, 2012
 
Why do women have to lay down THEIR laws to someone they are supposed to love? Its like a mild dictatorship. I was with someone who was like this, pressurising me into trying to give up my smoking pleasure. I gave her a choice too. Deal with it, or she knows where the front door is. I havent seen her since.........Peace at last.
DJATX

Pflugerville, TX

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#437
Jun 27, 2012
 
AnnaLynn wrote:
<quoted text>
It's better off to say, "Honey, I love you, but I'm just not giving up my cigarettes."
@AnnaLynn; It's been really interesting to read your posts. There's not a word you've written that's even remotely off point. You're kind of scary spot-on. I'm a smoker in recovery for 7 years. It was 3 weeks into nicotine and habituation replacement that I realized, 22 years of "me" time (car drives, commercial breaks, yard work breaks, real work breaks, etc.) was never my time at all. The time belonged to the cigarette, and it was going to take "my" time whether I liked it or not and no matter how inconvenient it might be for me. With this epiphany, I vowed never to give my time back to the cigarette. It was that enmity for the thief that drove me to be free. Now, all my time is really mine.
Freida

Regina, Canada

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#438
Aug 25, 2012
 
@ Sparrow I would like to say first off that yes smoking is an addiction and I realize this I smoked for 16 years. You said people will not quit when they r under pressure and stress, I quit just after my dad had died( I was extremely close to him) and my son had almost died from an asthma attack all within a couple of weeks. If that is not stress than i don't know what is. Yes he is being very selfish and disrespectful since even my sons doctor said he should quit. If you won't quit for your child who will you quit for.
hollar

Brockville, Canada

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#439
Aug 25, 2012
 
Jinga wrote:
You know what? You should be thankful that he does not LEAVE YOU for trying to control him.
I smoke, and if ANYONE told me to quit, I would drop them in a heartbeat.
Look, lots of people sneak smoking because its not PC these days, get used to it. You have NO RIGHT to tell others how to live their lives. NONE what so ever.
What the heck is up with women today that they think they can DICTATE how their husbands live.
you also give somewhat good advice....however you are also a huge control FREAK
Basically youre saying my way or the highway no one else gets an oppinion on your familys health risks think about that when you forse a kiss out of a loved on that thinks you probobly STINK lol
Rick

Morristown, NJ

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#440
Sep 17, 2012
 
Guess what I'm a husband and its not just the men who lie (regarding the chauvinistic remarks I see on here). My wife has been lying to me for 6 straight months now, smoking behind my back. Sadly, I had to find out through a friend, out of the blue. The wife never planned on telling me. Then when I found out, she said it was "no big deal" (I stressed to her I was more upset about the dishonesty and hiding it from me), and kept doing it anyhow. Anyhow, just wanted to point out it isn't just men who lie and withhold information from their spouses.

That is all.
Natalie

Hialeah, FL

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#441
Sep 22, 2012
 
iamnicci wrote:
My husband has lied to me about smoking for years, it's not just the smoking that gets me so worked up, it's the broken promises, the lies, the mistrust and the arrogance in the way he now does it. Unfortunatly I have never been able to let it go and now our relationship is in dire straits (not just because of that). I guess my question to you would be, how much does it bother you?
What did you finally do? I am having the same problem as you!
Nick

Guildford, UK

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#442
Sep 28, 2012
 
Interestingly, most of the comments here have the same theme, which boils down to:

My husband smokes even though he knows I hate it and then he lies to me about having done so.

What is not said, is that obviously his smoking is a problem for you and you have made it clear to him you do not want him to smoke. Chances are he agreed because he knew that he had no other option, and then just carried on smoking and not telling you about it. You have basically painted him into a corner, as he clearly wants to continue to smoke. His choices are either:

1. don't smoke, which goes against his own desires.
2. Smoke and hide it from you. So long as he doesn't get caught, you are both happy.
3. Smoke and confess to it. From what most of the comments here say, it's the lying, not the smoking, which is the cause of the real problem, but I don't think you are being honest with yourself. As any man will tell you, confessing even the smallest transgression to your better half will always and swiftly be rewarded with a brutal beating. Never has a man confessed to a woman and the woman's reaction is to praise him for his honesty. It has never happened.

So why do we lie? As long as we don't get caught, we get what we want and you are materially unaffected. I am, of course, not talking about things that do directly affect your relationship - affairs being the primary example, which is an entirely different story.

This is not an excuse, just an explanation, but you need to honestly ask yourself if your husband came home and said he'd been smoking, how would you react? I suspect not favourably.
LITTLE BIT

Richlands, VA

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#443
Oct 10, 2012
 
My husband has beaten me over smoking....you women are NOT HIS MOTHER AND HE IS NOT UNDERAGE...I am sure that you do something he doesn't like...such as nagging him to quit...I WILL NEVER QUIT AS LONG AS HE DEMANDS IT.... at least I get some pleasure from smoking a cigarette..We lie to our spouses because of your dang reaction...I agree, people shouldn't smoke around kids or others who hate the smoke...I have never smoked in front of my husband...I don't smoke in the house...He is not my daddy, this is all about CONTROL...HE WILL NEVER CONTROL ME..We have been married for 35 years and I have never cheated on him, yet today he call me a bitch, addict, and a whore...I don't deserve this...then he will say," you know I love you, don't you and when I say no, how am I suppose to know that..he gets mad...
anonymous

UK

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#444
Oct 15, 2012
 
I belived my partnr tht i loved dearly wen aft several failed attwmpts he cud see how upset i was to keep me he promised on his mums life he wud nvr smoke evr again. He was desperate to stay wth me. He knw i cudnt hack a smoker. Well he betrayed me. I found out and confrted him and he looked me in the eye and told an outright lie. I hav told him to move out of my house to give me some space. I feel completly let down. His fags r worth more to him than our love. He knew the score. Its his life - his choice. My choice too altho i love him i dont want to live wth a smoker. I trusted him. Now im broken hearted.
Stacy

Modesto, CA

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#445
Oct 15, 2012
 
Kay wrote:
The lies are huge. Someone suggested it's due to embarrassment over their addiction. Okay. But.... if they are so willing to lie about that in so many stupid ways (as my DH also does)then what else would they so willingly lie about. It makes it very difficult to believe anything that comes out of their mouths.
I say they need to man up (be it a woman or a man) and say it like it is. "Yah... I smoke.... I know you hate it.... I don't care that you hate it.... I have no intention of ever quitting, though I will pretend to quit numerous times just to get you off my back or to impress you or others..... but really... I'm a smoker and will be a smoker until the day I die.... and I fully expect you to care for me in sickness and in health... to take on 2nd and 3rd jobs to cover the lack of income when I can no longer work.... to wipe my chin and my butt for me when I am too ill (by choice) to be able to do so for myself. Decide if you can cope with all of this or leave."
I wish my husband would man up. I'd probably leave. I prefer the truth and the ability for me to properly decide what I want for myself in my life than to always wonder what is and isn't truth ... to be left hoping for something that probably won't ever really happen while he knows it won't ever happen.... I HATE that. Just be honest and then let us both have the lives we want to have.
I am not sure if you are still dealing with this problem - but would like to hear where you are a year from this orginal post- I am going through the same thing with my husband right now and feel hopeless
suzie

Basking Ridge, NJ

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#446
Nov 6, 2012
 
Two days ago i was walking with my dad and i saw a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. I pulled them out and asked him why he had them. He grabbed them back and walked away. Is he smoking? A few weeks ago i found a cigarette on the ground where he usually works. The day i saw the pack in his pocket i cried all day. how could he do this? Then i started thinking: none of his stuff smells like smoke. i started smelling all his and now i cant help thinking there is a faint smoke smell... am i just being paranoid. i dont understand hy he wouldnt tell me, i mean, this is my dad. im only 12... how could he
Gladys

Carmarthen, UK

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#447
Nov 15, 2012
 
Well I'm a secret smoker my husband can't stand it:( I enjoy a fag and I have no choice but to lie to him he goes absolutely ballistic . I don't want to lie to him. I love him. But I can't be doing with the pointless arguments. Iv tried packing it in . But haven't masters it yet !I now he loves me and dosent want anything to happen to me . But I will give up when I want to give up!not when he tells me that I have to give up . It's my body my life. It's my choice.
Get Over It

Sellersville, PA

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#448
Nov 24, 2012
 
If that is the only problem you have is your loved one hiding that he smokes (I see more woman crying over this issue than men) hence the man comment; than I would think that is a workable issue. Hearing he would be out the door because he smokes !!! How about being concerned for his health maybe that would be the better approach! Heck everyone is acting as if they are cheating or stashing another bank account on the side or something.. GET OVER IT !! Sound like alot of control freaks if you ask me..

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