Husband lying about smoking

[Jeannette]

I am also going through the same problem as most on this board. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and he has constantly lied to me about his smoking. I started dating him when he was a smoker so obviously I don't mind smoking but also don't condone it for health/financial/social reasons. He agreed to quit on his own...I never forced the issue and then I found out that he had lied to my face upteen times and had all of our friends in on it too! Now I have severe trust issues. I have never felt so insecure or disrespected. I am so hurt and feel lost all the time. I feel as though I should get out of this marriage now before we have any children. I love him so much which is why we've stuck it out I'm sure but I can't live the rest of my life being a detective and always wondering what else he's lying about. The latest lie also involves his mother who was in on the scam. I feel so betrayed and foolish. I really feel like they laugh about this behind my back which makes me want to bail on the whole thing. I have tried everything from freaking out to calmly talking about it and pleading with him to love me enough to just tell the truth. I explained to him that if he wants to be a smoker then fine..I'll deal but just don't lie. He still lies after saying he doesn't want to be a smoker. His mom has health issues from her smoking so I don't get why he doesn't see that it is a dangerous habit to take up. Any thoughts anyone?

[someone hurt]

I know exactley how you all feel, and the ones that make the comments, just leave them alone or your being comtrolling. Obviously don't realize that this person is in OUR life EFFECTING our life and emotions by what they do!!! It is not the act as it is the LIES. Is that ALL they lie about? HMMM, They say yes, but they lie about the smoking, how much more easier to lie about bigger and worst matters if they can't even be honest about smoking. If that does not make sense to you, talk to any person that has morals and values or a therapist, they will say the same thing. I have been driven crazy with this, and wish I would have remained single so, I would not have to deal with the emotional abuse and disrespect from (someone that loves me). If that is love who needs it. And you teach your children not to lie! Hmmm Being married to and loving someone that lies is a very difficult emotional rollercoaster.

[tara]

on august 24 my husband and i had a baby she was 7 weeks premature. she has difficulty breathing. my husband swore to me that he was gonna quit smoking. well he quit 5 months ago and now everytime he comes home from work i ask him if he was smoking. he smells like cigarettes. and now my sisters boyfriend of 2 years is lying to her cause my husband told him to. he swore on our daughters life that he wasnt smoking anymore knowing how sick she is and i caught him. i have no problem that he smokes, he did it when we met, but i dont want it around her and he doesnt seem to understand that, it just seems like he has a stronger commitment to cigarettes rather than his family and how can you swear on your ill childs life and look me straight in the eyes and lie to me????? i dont get it. we have a very honest relationship except for this. i told him not to lie to me cause the truth always comes out in the end. i asked him today if he was smoking and he started crying saying that he wouldnt do anthing to lose her or i and he lied again...why do men lie about the stupidest stuff

[John Stuart Mill]

You’re all speaking with passion on such trivial issues. Perhaps, he simply can’t quit and wishes to hide his embarrassment. One can’t simply command someone to quit and expect immediate results. The fault rests entirely on you if he smoked entering into the relationship. You should have realized smoking is an addiction not easily forgone. Why is smoking an inviolate sin? Sure, it will in all probability reduce his life expectancy, but why should that matter. If your husband chose to eat McDonalds every lunch break would you chastise them. I believe people should make their own choices regarding health. In every case they aren’t smoking near the irritated party. Almost everyone has secrets and lies to protect them. I’m sure you’ve lied to your husband about expenses, nights out etc. Are woman exempt because men are less interested in interrogation and subterfuge. I don’t think anyone can honestly say they never lie. That admission completely invalidates the slippery slope argument. Plus, you mustn’t forget the power of addiction. No relationship is perfect. Do you wish absolute control over your husbands? Why can’t you compromise on something so minor? Is it time for a paternalist movement? Ok, that was a joke, but most of you lack perspective. Wait…what’s that? O sorry my wife just informed me more than 2 hours on the computer leads to migraines.

[Sick of the LIES]

I'm going through the same thing here. My husband doesn't seem to realize how detrimental the lying is.
He has promised to me and swore up and down that he hasn't bought or smoked cigarettes or had ANY form of tobacco in months and months. And then I find packs of cigarettes & dip hidden all over the place. I usually know exactly when to start "searching" for evidence - when he gets very distant and "uncaring" about me. If he goes a few days without paying me much attention, I can rest assured he's just trying to stay far enough away from me so I don't smell the smoke.
When I ask him about something I've found, he looks all shocked and says he has NO clue as to where they came from. I say, "Well, do you think someone put them in our house - in the pocket of your coat - in OUR closet?" Would you believe he actually says that must have been what happened because HE didn't put them there.
Just the other day, I got the "sixth sense" notion to look in a tackle box in his truck, and what should I find but a half-used container of "dip." The very next day, I looked again and found a brand new pack of cigarettes and FOUR new packs of dip. When I asked him about them, he didn't know a thing about them. Then I told him I'd seen the open pack the day before - without the new ones - and he STILL denied that they were his.
I have tried to explain to him OVER and OVER that it's not the tobacco use that bothers me.... it's the lies. If he's lying about one thing, what else is he lying about?
"Oh, honey, I'd never cheat on you. You're the only woman for me."
"I don't see what people get out of porn."
"I was at work last night."
Any of those statements could be lies.... BUT, when I give him those examples - of how I feel like he could be lying about anything if he lies about one thing - he then starts a tirade saying I'm accusing him of cheating on him or something like that.
Can every other woman see the parallel here? How I'm NOT accusing him of cheating, but I'm just giving an example? Why, then, can't he see that?
I'm telling you this for sure - if we weren't married - and were only dating, he'd be history in a heartbeat. I'm sick to death of the lies.

[feeling lost]

I am married to a man 12 years that had quit on his own accord, no pressure from me in 1997. The las3 years have been filled with the same deception you talk about. I could care less if he smokes, that is his personal choice but I am not OK with the lies. We have gone to counselling and he says its because he doesn't want to disappoint me, so he promised to quit lying and be honest when he has a set back - still smoking and still lying :( We have watched his brother do the same for 3 years and he was always saying abou thow it was unfarito his wife - weird! He is doing the same to me. It turns out his brother ended up addicted to Cocaine and nearly lost everything before he finally admitted all of the lies. Is that what we are heading for? It's heartbreaking to be in love with someone who cannot confide their weaknesses in you. That is probably the worst kind of betrayal as a woman.

[betrayed man]

Ok for starters my grilfriend was a smoker when i started dating her. She's now 4 1/2 months pregnant and she didnt stop smoking till about 2 months into the pregnancy. She just started a new job and she has started smoking again. 4 1/2 months pregnant... She never told me she was smoking again and she tried to hide it from me for 2 weeks. I called her on it and she says "I dont want to talk about it" She knows i hate smoking becuase my grandma was a smoker all her life and now cant leave the house because she's on oxygen. And her Aunt just found out she has cancer in her throat. And she still doesnt seem to realize why i dont like it. Before she quit the first time i told her that i didnt think she cared about our child (because she waited 2 months)... now im almost certain she doesnt... If she can't quit for a BABY thats inside her what am i suppost to do.. this is all i think about.. the lies the distrust that now reside in me is killing ME!

[LiedToToo]

No, we shouldn't try to control anyone else's life, but what's our choice when a spouse's smoking and subsequent problems with lungs, etc., cause him to need constant care and remove any hope of a happy, active lifestyle? He doesn't care what his smoking does to him; he also doesn't care, apparently, that someday I might have to "carry his weight" in a preventable situation. Every death in my husband's immediate family had something to do with smoking, most of the deaths were caused specifically by lung problems. I would feel stupid just sitting by and watching him smoke. Now I just feel stupid for not knowing what I want to do about his lying.

[John Stuart Mill]

Again, I think you mainly feel this way due to cultural forces. If you told him to eat health would you feel as “betrayed” if he secretly ate McDonalds at lunch? I would argue that the McDonalds would have possibly worse heath ramifications. Obesity is a gradual decline that requires increased medical care. Your husband would merely destroy his heart rather than lungs. Plus, lung cancer is quick; heart problems and obesity are more likely to turn him into a burden…a vegetable. Of course, that find acceptance among Americans because most suffer from obesity. Many of you complaining about you husbands smoking may be obese. Perhaps, he should feel the same about your weight. I used this as an example to illustrate the absurdness of regulating another’s health.

[Nickie]

I'm in the same as Glenda, my fiance was a smoker when i met him, he never smoked in front of me or my face, but we both know he does it. He promised to quit because I hate it and have asthma, and we are talking about kids after we are married. He used excuses I'm holding it for my friend, So&So left it here from the party, etc. At first I believed him, But now I am scared about marrying him, I keep finding empty packs, some partial packs of smokes around the house. He smells like cigaretes after bringing out the garbage. Again it is the lying. Don't lie. I can accept that to help him 'quit' he may need one, just tell me, don't hide or lie to my face. I used to confront him, now I just leave the evidence for him to find, ripped up. Is there really anything we can do? Do I give up on him?

Glenda wrote:

I am going throught the same thing right now as well. My fiance said that he quit smoking and now i am pretty sure that he is lying about it. I have confronted him several times about it and each time he swears that he hasn't been smoking. He smells like smoke all the time and I already caught him lying about it once. I don't care that he smokes. Yes it bothers me but I can get over it. The lying is driving me crazy. My eX lied to me about cheating and smoking and it just reminds me of all the horrible crap that he put me through. I am not a trusting person and now that I know he is lying to my face, i am scared to marry him. There is nothing else wrong with him, just the fact that he can lie to my face and swear to God that he doesn't smoke when i find rock hard evidence that he is still smoking. I feel psycho and crazy because he swears that he is not smoking but I know he is and i just want him to admit it. Why can't he admit it???? Should i let this slide? Should i like him just smoke behind my back? I don't want him to start smoking around me again and i am afraid if i push him too hard he will start smoking around me again.

[lisa]

I am going through this same thing also. my husband of 25 years quit snuff 3 years ago. shortly after that he was diagnosed with a pre cancerous throat. 7 mo ago he was caught chewing. he has lied everyday to my face for the last 7 months about his use and quitting. I am so fed up with it I want him out!!!!! right now we are supposedly doing wellbutrin chewing nicotine gum and using artificial snuff. well he never takes the meds, chew about 3 pieces of gum a day and uses the artificial frequently. his breathing is completely different in bed at noght after he goes to sleep if he has used tobacco that day. whenever I hear that breathing I am ready to fight. I am so so sick and tired of him sneaking off for 1 hour 4-5 times a day to chew and lying about it because he doesn't want me to know. He claims it is embarrasing that he started again after 3 years. so here's my dilema. he doesn't want to do it in from of me so he goes off and hides taking away the time he would spend with me, lies about it to my face and then somehow makes it all my fault. I have had it had it had it. I told him today I do not trust him at all and that I don't think he can do anything about it now.

[Sick of the LIES]

Mr. Mill, I don't think you're reading any of our posts. And, the fact that you are a man means you have no clue as to what we say when we say that the LIES are more detrimental than the smoking.

Yes, I'd feel just as badly about the lying if it was eating McDonald's when he was trying to diet. Yes, I'd feel just as badly about the lying if it was spending money on something unimportant if we were trying to save. Yes, I'd feel just as badly if he was sneaking off to play video games during family time if we'd made a decision to spend more time together as a unit.

Yes, I'd feel just as badly if it was ANYTHING associated with a LIE. I have been betrayed with multiple lies by another person in my life when I was younger, and my husband knows this. I have explained over and over that I just want him to be honest with me. When I find multiple packs of cigarettes HIDDEN (not on the counter or lying out obviously somewhere) all over the house - in the garage, in coat pockets pushed back far into the closet, secretly placed in a tiny spot under the seat in his vehicle, under all the fishing tackle in his tackle box, placed high on the shelf in the garage, etc, I KNOW he is lying to me. I especially know he's lying when he says he knows NOTHING about where the hidden packs came from (as if a stranger came into our house and found his sock drawer and HID a stupid pack of cigarettes in a sock....

I can't stand the LYING. That's what gets to me. I don't care if he has a smoke occasionally; I have my chocolate when I get a craving. I just don't find myself HIDING the candy bar wrapper or saying the KIDS ate the bag of Hershey's kisses when I know I did it. I have never lied to my husband - and I can say that with ALL honesty. I have been honest when it doesn't even seem smart to be honest, but I value honesty THAT much.

I just wish HE did.

Until you understand what we're saying about the LYING being the big problem, quit being the psychologist and trying to analyze what we think. I don't think you get it at all.

JMHO.

[John stuart mill]

Tyranny breeds decent. Such trivial lies should only bother one who wishes an absurd degree of control over their husband. As I said prior, everyone is dishonest at some point or another. That doesn’t come from me psychoanalyzing, but every respected psychologist. Honestly, have you never lied to your husband? You must possess some saintly quality lacking in the vast majority of humanity. My other point attempted to illustrate the ludicrous nature of the original request. Due to the fact that your demand is unreasonable a logical response involves lying. They know you will not tolerate an answer such as,“I’m really trying to quit, but it’s just so difficult”. Facing flack for either eventuality causes them to gamble and hope you don’t discover the truth. Most people do not wish to smoke. It is a powerful addiction that a wife’s simple demand will not overcome. You are merely attempting to assert your power over an aspect of your husband you can’t control. I don’t believe this to be a gender issue. There are numerous controlling men and women. However, I will contend the responses tend to be different. A woman generally reacts in a more passive aggressive manor. Much like, the person who leaves empty packages in easy to find locations. Any psychologist can attest that physiological abuse causes a great deal of harm.

[John stuart mill]

Also did you consider shame as a factor? He doesn’t want to smoke, but may have little control over it. A lack of control over one’s self generally illicit such feelings. If you confront him reasonably he may be more receptive. I implore you all to stop vindictive actions. Simply, go to your husband tell them you know and are ok with it. You know he probably wants to quit, so explore other options with him. Tell him about substitutes such as gum or a patch. If you state this in nonjudgmental manner they will listen. If they know you support them they will feel free to try a variety of proven quitting methods. Plus, the best way to exercise real power is the carrot not the stick.

[Cream]

Who cares? Take out a life insurance policy, buy him a carton to get him going, and just let the bad boys do their job.

Before you know it, you'll be living the life of luxury from the insurance policy.

[Sick of the LIES]

Once again, Mr. Mill, you are analyzing people without knowing the situation.

I don't know about anyone else here, but I have had numerous heart-to-hearts with my husband about the fact that he can tell me anything - and he knows that. He knows that I don't care about the actual use of tobacco. He knows he can tell me when he's having a hard time keeping away from the temptation to use tobacco. We've discussed ways to help him stop, and I've bought the patch for him before - at his request - and he has used it successfully.

I have made no "vindictive actions." He knows I'd rather hear "I'm really trying to quit," but he chooses to continue covering it up. He hears me when I say that the lying is the issue, but he chooses to continue lying, even though it is destroying the fabric of our relationship. I don't think my "demands" of honesty are "unreasonable." I've never "demanded" no smoking. I've only "demanded" honesty. Being a liar - now THAT'S unreasonable.

No, I've never been dishonest with my husband. Sorry, to disappoint you, but perhaps I do contain "saintly" qualities when it comes to honesty. I do tell the truth - in all situations. Are you so quick to disbelieve me just because you've never met an honest woman?

And - just to clarify for the other poster that mentioned we should just take out a life insurance policy & wait for him to die, insurance on a smoker has much higher premiums. Unfortunately for us, we actually pay a "nonsmoker" premium on him.... so when he does croak from some tobacco-related cause, they won't pay anyway.

You say that all we want to do is assert control over our husbands. In no way do I wish to be in control over my husband. He would disagree with you on that point, too. All I want is honesty. As I've said several times before (and no matter what you choose to believe), it's the lying about it that drives me nuts.

[John stuart mill]

I can’t fathom why someone would lie if he felt little shame nor fear. I think the searching and confronting may be counterproductive. Perhaps, you unintentionally gave him the feeling of being “hunted”. Were you open or upset when you first found the cigarettes? If you didn’t confront him in a hostile manner I see no reason for him to lie. He could just be a compulsive liar, but that would be easily identified. I will admit that your comments seem far more reasonable than most. My first two responses weren’t directed specifically at you, rather the whole affair. I think you made a mistake in attempting to defend everyone. You must admit many here seem unreasonable. However, I still can’t believe you are free of lies. Lying, unfortunately, is an inherent property of humans. I believe they have even found the genetic factor responsible. At least, I know they have discovered the region of the brain associated with lying. New polygraph machines are actually being made with this principle. All indications point to us being hardwired to lie. There are simple evolutionary reasons for this eventuality. Consider the importance of tactful untruths, social insincerity, etc. all can benefit the survivability of an individual. Individuals who can avoid potentially dangerous social situations through lying have a greater chance of survival. This would come up concerning mates, food or other important items. Evolution isn‘t a magical system that produces perfection. There often exist negative consequences to things generally beneficial.

[Irenic]

Well, Im quitting smoking, and its really hard to. Once you get to an age, its nearly impossible to quit. Maybe since its an addiction, you should all take that into consideration before you start freaking out on your other. But, I assume this wont go through any of you since your all woman...Besides, they are right, if you dont want to quit, theres no chance they will.

[Guess Im not the only one]

My husband and I have both smoked over 20 years. Just a little over 5 months ago, I decided not to smoke any longer, and he said that he would stop with me, though I didn't ask him to. The last couple of months, I have known he was smoking outside, behind my back, though he tells friends that "we" don't smoke now. He doesn't know that I have seen him smoking or that I have smelled the smoke on his clothes before he applied the insect repellant. It bothers me that he's been lying to me, but I am being less than honest with him in not telling him that I know he is still smoking. Several times I have wanted to talk to him about it, but then I remind myself that he doesn't smoke as much this way. I'm not sure if I want him to know that I know or not.

[Sick of the LIES]

Just over the last two days, I've found MORE dip hidden - in places I knew they were not hidden. On place was a coat pocket I'd just emptied days before, yet my husband swears he didn't put it there. Another place was in the laundry room, where I saw it sitting (and left it, just to see what he'd do) and then just a couple of hours later - after he'd gone in there - it was UNDER some clothes in the hamper, obviously hidden. I am so sick of the lies.... I don't see how I can believe __anything__ he says when he lies about that stuff. I've even asked him (nicely - not confronting him) about it, and he continually lies. I'm so sick of it.... I just wish he'd get out of my life at this point. What else is he lying about???? It makes me doubt everything he ever has said. It makes me see he has no character when he continually lies. That's not the type of man I want to be around.