Husband lying about smoking
sorono

Atlanta, GA

#304 Feb 26, 2010
My husband has been a non smoker all his life. He was a non smoker when we were married 8 years ago. About 5 years into our marriage he started smoking for no reason and was hiding it from me. I knew he was smoking for a while but waited to see if he would eventually tell me. It took two years but he finally told me. I have been trying to help him quit. I have terrible allergies and he knows that smoke really bothers me. If he had been a smoker before our wedding I would not have married him. His family has a history of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. So I worry about his health very much. Last November he got sick and had to have surgery and he quit smoking. He had been out of work for three months and did not smoke one time. Then for no reason he tells me he wants to try one again to see if he still wanted one. He did smoke one then he told me he did not like it anymore. So fast forward to this week when he came home he smelled like smoke. I asked him if he had been smoking and he said NO! I told him I would rather him tell me the truth than lie about it but he still denied he was smoking. Then tonight I was cleaning up and picked up his jacket off the floor and I saw a pack of cigarettes. I am so hurt. He has lied to me on purpose. It really hurts my feelings because I would never lie to him. I love him so much. I know that if I say something to him about it he will yell and get mad. I worry so much about his health. I love him with all my heart, I guess he doesn't love me that much. I do not know what to do.
ConfUsed

United States

#305 Mar 4, 2010
Thanks for the advice... I am trying to let it go, its not easy for me, but it is better than losing my wife. I haven't been able to let go of everything, but the anger and resentment were surprisingly the first things that I was able to let go of. I still find myself obsessing over how many she is smoking, not out of disapproval, but just to know. I don't know why I still feel the need to know, but I am in a better place than I was, so I think it is a good start. Eventually, I hhope to get to where I can just forget about it, and I am trying to get there.
fed up

Winnipeg, Canada

#307 Mar 10, 2010
Have been married for almost 20 years and have been lied to by husband through most of it about him not smoking anymore. For one I am allergic to it and the kids have health problems. I found out and confronted him once. He said he wouldn't do it anymore now I find out he's still doing it and changing his clothes too fool me. I haven't said a thing just been watching him sneak. Sick of the lying, the mood swings and temper just because he needs a smoke to settle down. I think this is why in 20 years we go no where. He wants to sit at home. Guess what the time has come. He can have his smoke and whatever the hell else he could be hiding. I'm done!
Man Smoker

Tianjin, China

#308 Mar 19, 2010
My wife hates me smoking but i was a smoker before i met her. I hate trying to quit smoking and before i used to smoke 3-5 every day now i smoke 0-3 once a week, or if i drink which for the last 6 months has been 1-2 times a month i might have 10... i smoke so little BECAUSE OF HER. She always wants to make a pact with me that i should stop and i never want the pact. We've had many pacts before and i always fail. I know i will. I can't stop because in my heart i DON'T WANT TO. I want to stop for her, i want to make HER HAPPY. i try to resist making another deal but i get forced into it. Every time i break the pact (I do tell her) then she goes crazy at me. To be honest i really feel i am being too honest. If get caught lieing about it i would get in just as much as when i tell her. And i'm sure i would get caught less often if i lied about it.

The point is it is as much you wives fault as it is our guys fault for smoking! You are causing the problem because you can't bare us smoking. But what if we smoke outside, away from you, or just at work. You don't even see it, you wouldn't even know if you weren't searching like 007 trying to make yourself angry and find something to start arguing about.

You should think of yourself lucky for all the good things your husband does for you. Not just the smoking that he hides from you for YOUR BENEFIT. If he didn't consider you he would smoke inside and smoke infront of you and smoke anywhere they wanted. They don't and sometimes they have to bare not having a cigarette just to please you.
Man Smoker

Tianjin, China

#309 Mar 19, 2010
And yeah i get angry sometimes. Alot of it revolves around those sometimes when i really want a cigarette because i'm stressed out and i get more irritated because when i go to have a cigarette to try calm down then i come back they are staring at me. Silent not talking to me. So i just sit there in my misery with wife angry at me and not talking to me. I guess it's better than shouting and breaking something out of fustration.

All you wives make it feel like you are the poor one. The man is not doing anything to you. Yes he shouldn't lie to you but you give him no other choice. If he told you every time you'd be just as angry so it doesn't make any difference if he told you or not. He is smoking himself, doing it to his own body, whatever he wants to do. As long as he smokes outside (i read one post the guy even changed his clothes to hide it) he is doing all that for YOU and you still continue to complain. How does it affect YOU?? If you spoke to him about how it affected you and then he changed what he did so that it didn't have any effect on you (changing & washing his own clothes) i'm sure you would STILL complain. I'm sure they would even have no hesitation to get a life insurance policy so you get paid if they die and they can't support you. What more do you want? You just want the power over him. You are being selfish. I think it's really unbelievable i really do. And you want to divorce just because he is smoking?!?! sounds rediculous to me.
Female smoker

Derby, UK

#310 Mar 23, 2010
Hi guys, well I am in the opposite situation! I promised my boyfriend I would quit and he thinks I have, but I have been smoking behind his back for the last few months. He does not understand how difficult it is, and when I've failed at quitting in the past he's just got mad at me - about the money, about the health issues. I am trying to quit again right now because I feel so guilty about the lying and secrecy! One thing I can say is as much as they want to, your loved ones will not be able to quit for any reason other than they want to for themselves. They will always resent you and relapse eventually. Let them do it in their own time, and understand it is an addiction and a constant battle.
Molly

Columbia, MO

#311 Mar 25, 2010
Jinga wrote:
You know what? You should be thankful that he does not LEAVE YOU for trying to control him.
I smoke, and if ANYONE told me to quit, I would drop them in a heartbeat.
Look, lots of people sneak smoking because its not PC these days, get used to it. You have NO RIGHT to tell others how to live their lives. NONE what so ever.
What the heck is up with women today that they think they can DICTATE how their husbands live.
Hello,

I think it is funny you say the women are trying to control their husbands... What about how much the habit of smoking costs? If I had a habit that was as expensive as smoking I would definitely not lie to my husband about it. Second-hand smoke is deadly as well, so you can't blame women for not wanting to be around it (or their kids if they have any).

Men should stop telling their wives they do not smoke if they are. You cannot blame "pressure" for their mistakes. Pressuring someone is not an excuse for them to lie.
Jamie

Florence, KY

#312 Apr 6, 2010
I have been married for almost 7 years, together for nearly 13 yrs. Before we were married I would beg him to quite. It frustrated him so much that I finally just let it be. He decided to quit on his own 6 years ago. The year I was pregnant with my daughter I found cigarettes in his car and confronted him. He was honest and said he would quit with out me asking him to. Well he did not, now for nearly three and a half years he has been smoking and lying about it. I have been lied to my face many many times, felt I was crazy for believing he was smoking but would find evidence every now and then to confirm my suspicions. Only then would he admit it. I explained that although I don't want him to smoke, I would rather he be honest and smoke openly rather than lie, it was the lying that was tearing me apart. I had feelings he was cheating and felt he had this life I was unaware of. My trust had been lost. I can not take the straight up lies and accusations that I am "crazy" or "here we go again" statements when in the end I am right. I am expecting my second baby in three months and I really believed that this time he had quit and that he would be honest. Well he lied to my face again last night. What should I do? Trust is so important in a marriage and I have lost that but I still love him.
abq husband

Albuquerque, NM

#313 Apr 6, 2010
Hi,
I have been caught lying to my wife about smoking. I have lied repeatedly about it and have had several big blow ups about it in the past. I lied about smoking on our wedding day. Needless to say, I am a giant ass. I feel really horrible about it. I don't want to smoke. I really love my wife and can't believe that I repeatedly hurt her. I realize it is the lying that is most hurtful. I hope I can regain her trust.
Victoria

New York, NY

#314 Apr 7, 2010
Hi, I also have been lied to...and it is very difficult to establish trust again...still trying. I KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT I AM DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ADDICTED. IT IS THE ADDICTION THAT I HATE...NOT MY HUSBAND. Every day I remind him kindly of the damage cigarettes are causing. It is hard to see someone try and try and fail and fail to stop...I HATE TOBACCO COMPANIES!
Ellee

Calumet City, IL

#315 Apr 27, 2010
Glenda wrote:
I am going throught the same thing right now as well. My fiance said that he quit smoking and now i am pretty sure that he is lying about it. I have confronted him several times about it and each time he swears that he hasn't been smoking. He smells like smoke all the time and I already caught him lying about it once. I don't care that he smokes. Yes it bothers me but I can get over it. The lying is driving me crazy. My eX lied to me about cheating and smoking and it just reminds me of all the horrible crap that he put me through. I am not a trusting person and now that I know he is lying to my face, i am scared to marry him. There is nothing else wrong with him, just the fact that he can lie to my face and swear to God that he doesn't smoke when i find rock hard evidence that he is still smoking. I feel psycho and crazy because he swears that he is not smoking but I know he is and i just want him to admit it. Why can't he admit it???? Should i let this slide? Should i like him just smoke behind my back? I don't want him to start smoking around me again and i am afraid if i push him too hard he will start smoking around me again.
Don't just forgive it. It will become a chronic problem. I have been married less then 2 months and my husband is already lying to me. He smelled like smoke and I asked him straight up if he was smoking again. He said no and I believed him.......i shouldn't have he is a liar. I caught him when I got home early, and now he is trying to make me feel bad for not trusting him and for caring so much. He lied to me... he broke my heart, and it is not my fault. I can't he;p how I feel... these are the consequences of his actions. You need to set expectations now and address the problem before it gets worse.
ex-smoker

Scarborough, Canada

#316 May 9, 2010
Jinga wrote:
You know what? You should be thankful that he does not LEAVE YOU for trying to control him.
I smoke, and if ANYONE told me to quit, I would drop them in a heartbeat.
Look, lots of people sneak smoking because its not PC these days, get used to it. You have NO RIGHT to tell others how to live their lives. NONE what so ever.
What the heck is up with women today that they think they can DICTATE how their husbands live.
Jinga
I think you may have missed the point to a lot of this. Smoking is a disgusting habit but yes everyone has the right to do what they want. I think the bigger issue here is the lying.
What's with husbands today thinking its acceptable to act like teenagers hiding from their folks?
We are all grown ups if you love someone you should be able to be honest with them. If you feel the need to hide what you are doing chances are what you are doing is wrong.
robin

Greenville, SC

#317 May 14, 2010
i have smoked for years. i smoked when i met my husband.
i have quit for years at a time and gone back to smoking when i find myself stressed for long periods and lonely.
anyway, he has always thought i HAVE to quit and yelled at me at every turn over it. i have lied to him, just like these people.
you know why, it's just not any of his business and i feel equally as offended that i can't just do what i want to do in front of him and be accepted.
so, i will tell you, everyone lies about smoking to their mom and dad's when they start. NO ONE wants to get caught and ALL THE CONSTANT holier than thou crap, just makes us mad.
Not only do i lie about it, i feel like he's the jerk that puts me in that position.
Patricia

Surrey, Canada

#318 May 22, 2010
Jinga wrote:
You know what? You should be thankful that he does not LEAVE YOU for trying to control him.
I smoke, and if ANYONE told me to quit, I would drop them in a heartbeat.
Look, lots of people sneak smoking because its not PC these days, get used to it. You have NO RIGHT to tell others how to live their lives. NONE what so ever.
What the heck is up with women today that they think they can DICTATE how their husbands live.
It's not about dictating their lives, it's about love and wanting to have them around as long as possible, and can't stand to see them doing anything to harm themselves.
It is also about trust. When I met my husband he was a smoker. He was under alot of stress at that point because he was struggling to get custody of his son, so I didn't really worry about it too much. He said he made a promise to himself and to God that he would quit when he got custody of his son.
He started to cut back, and asked for my help. He was fine for 8 months and then he started to smoke more and more again, and started to lie about it. The issue started though, not so much with his smoking cigarettes, but when I found out he smoked weed after he lie to me about it.
And it escalated from there. I would lay off, but each time I laid off he would start smoking more and more, but would never be honest about it. To be honest, it's the lying that kills me. After 12 years, you'd think he'd grow up and be a man.
Patricia

Surrey, Canada

#319 May 22, 2010
sorono wrote:
My husband has been a non smoker all his life. He was a non smoker when we were married 8 years ago. About 5 years into our marriage he started smoking for no reason and was hiding it from me. I knew he was smoking for a while but waited to see if he would eventually tell me. It took two years but he finally told me. I have been trying to help him quit. I have terrible allergies and he knows that smoke really bothers me. If he had been a smoker before our wedding I would not have married him. His family has a history of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. So I worry about his health very much. Last November he got sick and had to have surgery and he quit smoking. He had been out of work for three months and did not smoke one time. Then for no reason he tells me he wants to try one again to see if he still wanted one. He did smoke one then he told me he did not like it anymore. So fast forward to this week when he came home he smelled like smoke. I asked him if he had been smoking and he said NO! I told him I would rather him tell me the truth than lie about it but he still denied he was smoking. Then tonight I was cleaning up and picked up his jacket off the floor and I saw a pack of cigarettes. I am so hurt. He has lied to me on purpose. It really hurts my feelings because I would never lie to him. I love him so much. I know that if I say something to him about it he will yell and get mad. I worry so much about his health. I love him with all my heart, I guess he doesn't love me that much. I do not know what to do.
I know how you are feeling. My husband only tells me the truth when he knows without a doubt that I know. And even then, the sorry I get is not a sorry that he did it, but a sorry that I found out. He couldn't really care less it seems like.
Lisa

United States

#320 May 23, 2010
I hope someone can help me decide how to handle my situation. My husband was a smoker when I met him. I never minded or I would not have dated him. Two years ago he told me out of the blue that he was through with smoking because both of his parents died in their 50's and 60's from problems due to smoking.
I told him I would back him on it and if he ever changed his mind I was fine with that too. He then forbid anyone to smoke in the car or in our home including the commercial side. Three months ago he started making numerous trips to the shop side and locking the door. I could smell the smoke. I confronted him once I had physical proof and found out I was the only person he was hiding it from. I reminded him I had told him I wouldn't get angry or care if he started again but I was very angry about him lying to me so many times to cover the smell.
I then told him he could smoke in the commercial side although he decided without consulting me that no one was allowed to. I gave him my key back and I told him that was his smoking room but he was NOT to smoke in the car my dad gave me especially since he was the one to lay down the law about that too.
The other day he was getting ready to run an errand. I had picked up my daughters prescription for her and since he was passing her home I decided to run it out to him before he pulled out. Of course I caught him smoking in the car and found out he had been hiding his cigarettes in the trunk. He had taken my car key a while back because his was getting stuck so it was easy for him to hide. All this time he has been lying to me about smoking.
I don't know what to do. He knew I could deal with the smoking but he chose to lie anyway. He used my trust in him to deceive me. I am trying to decide whether or not I want to stay in this marriage. I would not consider such a drastic measure but he doesn't even know if he was hiding for the thrill of keeping a secret or why he had to smoke in the one place left that I had asked him not to. I'm confused.
Anonymous 2

Virginia Beach, VA

#321 May 23, 2010
I am in the same position of many of you... I just found out today that he's lying about smoking (again!) and he is in the military so we spend lots of time apart - not only that but he has more freedoms, basically a whole other life that I have no part in. He lied to me straight to my face about it - now he's gone, doing a dangerous life threatening job, our only contact is email (about once a day) and i have this inside of me eating me alive. We haven't even been married a year. It's not smoking that makes me angry - it's the lies. I've told him this. Obviously smoking does make me mad, because it's caused problems in my family before, but it is so small compared to getting caught lying about it. I never wanted to be with a smoker - but it's something I could adjust to. I swore I never would be with someone who disrespected me and lied to me - and I won't. This is a horrible thing because he is a great guy who lies... At this point I rather be single the rest of my life - because I know I won't find a guy better than him - maybe just a guy with different issues. What can I do to save our marriage?
uhh

Kingston, Canada

#323 Jun 12, 2010
Hello.. Are you the same weight you were when you met your husband??? How about everytime you had a chip, cookie or donut your husband measured your waist and weighed you and nagged you about it. I bet all of you truth seekers would be hiding out in the shed eating candybars. I mean lets face it junk food is detrimental to your health and he's just worried about you right??????
"Boo hoo my parents died from smoking". If his parents died in a car accident would you walk to work? Nope. You'd car pool with a coworker and think he was being ridiculous.
Grow up!! If you don't enjoy being lied to maybe you should offer other choices than the plank or the gallows. You're supposed to be his best friend not his mother!!! If he's not blowing smoke in your childrens faces then back off.
Let him have this one small sense of independence and hopefully he'll be so relaxed that he won't notice you castrating any retained sense of manhood that he has.
The saddest note is that when you finally attain your goal of domesticating him and changing him into your messed up ideal image of a partner you will have the audacity to tell him that he is not the man you fell in love with.
And one final note for you ladies:
You wear high heels, You're not that tall.
You get a tan, You're not that dark.
You wear make-up, You don't really look like that.
You wear extensions, You're hair isn't that long.
You wear a push-up bra, You're chest doesn't look like that.......... So Everything about you is a lie and you want him to tell the truth??????

Angie

Dallas, TX

#324 Jun 13, 2010
I have also caught my husband of less than a year in multipule lies! I'm hurt yes but more than anything I can't bear the thought of taking care of another loved one with copd. I watched my mom suffer and finally pass away from this dissease d/t smoking. I took care of her and watch her slowly suffocate from her lung disease. I would not want to put anyone through that if a could prevent it. I realize that we all will die some day and I may have to care for my husband from some other disease process that there is no control over. He was ex smoker when I met him and proclamed to be a non smoker. Smoking is and was a dealbreaker for me. I have always had strong veiws on this subject and he new about this from day one. he even helped me care for my mother! I do not understand this addiction. I want nothing to do with it or the lies attached to them.
Anonymous

Elgin, IL

#325 Jun 17, 2010
First off, I am a wife and I was the liar in this same situation. It's not just men that do things like this. Anyways- I have been with this man for over 3 years and we recently got married, which was the day I quit smoking. He thought I had been smoke free for over a year. I lied because I knew he didn't like it and we would constantly fight about it. My advise to those that think their significant other is telling lies would be to back off about it. Possibly confront them in a comforting way, but don't yell or scream or make them feel bad about it. Tell them you are there for them and you know that it is hard. Quitting is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life and it was worse because I had to do it alone. I am not excusing anyone for lieing because no matter what, it is wrong, but they are doing it because they want to make you happy. And trust me- the fact that they still smoke more than likely eats at them every day. I know that I was really down on myself about it, yet I continued to do it because of the addiction. The best thing you can do is be there for them and help them through it instead of making the situation worse, which will only make them want to smoke more.

Now I have no one to help me through it. I love him more than I love myself. I don't want to be a smoker and I doubt your significant other does either.

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